Long Distance Relationships are more common than ever today, Internet dating being a norm rather than exception. But, meeting someone on-line (in town, or out of it) demands additional care and caution, while being careful not to obliterate spontaneity, romance, and excitement.

LDRs necessitate extra skills, resources (emotional and financial), and commitment. They can also push connections to new places prematurely, but unavoidably.  Later, things, usually, calm down and routines form.

Additional and unfamiliar efforts can be taxing, but also fun. Thinking of the "destination," as well as the "journey," enhances purpose—"happy endings" making everything worthwhile.  If you’ve not risked, you might not have tried.  Lost dreams can get reinvented, and what hasn’t happened locally may elsewhere.

Both parties need to work hard in their own unique, as well as more expected, ways to help keep things afloat—have the other person trust, feel secure, excited, and adored—consistently.  This helps build confidence in, as well as beyond, the relationship. Communication and equal effort are key, but without behaviors that are obsessive, compulsive, or unreasonable (or that can be perceived as such) especially if individuals don’t know each other well, initially.

It might seem like the fast-forward button has been hit.  But, sometimes, that’s the only way.  Better to find out sooner than later if there’s "quirks in the works."  Who calls, who doesn’t, who writes, who doesn’t, all become significant in one way or another:  show degree of interest/caring, potential for sacrifice, and willingness to make trade-offs, until routines fall into place.  

How much is shared and how much is allowed to remain a mystery also effect outcome. Planning (short and long-range), and a willingness to do so together, is important.  Looking forward to the next face-to-face encounter matters, and preparing for that, as well as time apart.  Rigidity may need to yield to out-of-the-ordinary behaviors, especially since life can be short.  And, of course, there’s little space for "shy."

Travel to the other’s space if you can.  Get their perspective on the world, not just your own.  Many people like their personal "safe places" and prefer not to explore another’s.  But, it’s all part of the getting-to-know you process.  Taking chances, not prejudging, and visits in both directions.

Not everyone is up for doing things "out of the box."  But, those who can, may find the rewards worth it.  What’s a better alternative? To sit home alone, no special other to focus on?  Long-distance doesn’t last forever.  Ultimately, things work out or they don’t. Somebody moves, and/or somebody doesn’t.  Long distance provides opportunities that in-town ho-hum might not. It involves risk and chance and a stretching of the imagination, as well as a loss of control and certainty.

Long-distance can have advantages that at-home relationships don’t. There’s more time and ways to talk, question, and check-in.  It can also record a story.  Words, thoughts, and feelings get a chance to be aired and translated from afar, as well as face-to-face.  Most important, the essential transition from "me-" to "we-" thinking gets activated early, if things are healthy.  Reciprocity shines!  Though individuals may bask in separate worlds, they also recognize the power and glow that opportunities to "give and take," with someone else, can prompt.  

As Aimee Mann sings, "One is the loneliest number." But, never get into a relationship just for the sake of it…  Go for gain, not pain!

THIS BLOG’S EARLIER RELATIONSHIP-RELATED POSTS INCLUDE:

• R-E-S-P-E-C-T  Respect Revisited (May 7, 2009)
• Strategies to Help Minimize "UID," or Under-Identification Discomfort: Surviving Solo on Family Day in Ontairo (February 16, 2009)
• Second-Hand Stress:  Breaking-Up and Making-Up, "Frienemies," and Used-to-be-Friend" Types (November 16, 2008)
• Reliability, Vulnerabllity, Fear (October 8, 2008)
• GUILT(Y) Verdict for OJ Simpson, and/or Others… (October 7, 2008)
• Mixed Messages and Contradictions (September 29, 2008)
• Relationships that Work, No Communication-Glitches:  Mazal Tov to Ellen and Portia on Their August 16, 08 Wedding (August 29, 2008)
• Airport News Stands: Jennifer Aniston, "Straggler Single":  Uncommon Attention, Common Problems. (Poetry about ating and Related Blog Entry Links Included) (August 22, 2008)
• PLAY NICE—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• Single Because, Just Single, or (Im)Perfectly Single: Unscientific Findings (April 13, 2008)
• In Anticipation of VALENTINE’S DAY, Singles Included (February 13, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (February 1, 2008)
• RELATIONSHIP “Uppers” and “Downers” (January 29, 2008)
• Dating Games and Disappointments, On- and Off-Line: Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker Helps Identify Obstacles to Relationship-Making (January 25, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• SINGLES Who Don’t Want to STAY SINGLE and "SINGLES’ BUSINESSES" (July 31, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• Handle with CARE—IDENTIFY, EXPOSE, and GET HELP for Those Who Can Do Harm (like at Virginia Tech) (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• Notes on a Scandal: Single and Living Vicariously (February 7, 2007)
• Single Woman Syndrome (SWS) (January 30, 2007)
• BAD DATE indicators (January 22, 2007)
• SINGLE and Not Settling (December 29, 2006)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• Dating Know-How—For Serious Daters (December 4, 2006)

 
LEV to SAGE

Dearest Sage,

Fell for you at first sight
Though we did start with a little fight

Very soon the boss you knew I’d be
Ever since, complete harmony

Younger man, older woman

You let me win, think I’m cool
Toy boys rule!

All those emotions of mine you let ride
Always by my side

A shadow and a live spark
Great for a snuggle or run in the park

A flirt and attention seeker
But, no humans around, my best company-keeper

Even if there’s a difference in attitude and age
Who cares at this stage

You’re still my dog-love, I cherish you Sage!

SAGE to LEV

Dearest Lev,

I’m a tiny man
But, never without a plan

You’re a woman with special ways
Not for everyone, just perfect for me

To keep you happy
My ideas are very snappy

Your bark is worse than your bite
Even when we fight

Humans like me, dogs too
I make up for what you cannot do

Personable and bold, seldom shy
I’m your kind of a guy

As we age, more shared adventures we know
Through most things, together we comfort each other, and grow

The vet’s or the groomer’s, we’re side by side
No secrets to hide

Lev, you’re a spectacular bride!

For more about Lev and Sage, please check out earlier blog posts.  These include:

• Wedding Announcement! A Later in Life Marriage for Older Woman, Younger Man, and It’s Dog-Friendly (May 28, 2009)
• 12 Years-Old Today—Lev Makin, Editor-in-Chief, DocSusan’s Blog. From Puppy to Pensioner! (February 5, 2009)
• Winter Fashion and Practicality for Dogs (February 7, 09)
• Paraphimosis: Little Penis, Big Swelling and Extrusion from the Prepuce—Sage’s Health Saga Continues (February 4, 2009)
• Dog-Shots by Lev and Sage Makin: Some of the Best Poses of 2008 (February 2, 2009)
• “The Sneeze”: Lev Makin (Blog Editor in Chief) Post Oral Surgery—Older Dog, Longer Recovery and Greater Concern (January 14, 2009)
• Sew Nice! Homemade as Tonic and Treasure (January 9, 2009)
• Lessons from 2008: Canine Confidence and Coincidence Cure (January 1, 2009)
• Home for the Holidays! Sick Puppy Alert: When Two Dogs are Better than One. (December 25, 2008)
• Homemade Dog Food: Synchronicity, Health, Quality (November 22, 2008)
• 48-Hours of Caring for Sick and Elderly. Sage Makin, Little Wonder-Dog’s Recovery in Images (November 10, 2008)
• One to One at Apple: Customer Satisfaction and Doggies Included (July 26, 2008)
• Older Dogs’ Health Watch (July 10, 2008)
• Favorite Dog Toy is a Duck (June 8, 2008)
• Artists Need Moral Support—and Caninekind Offers the Best (May 5, 2008)
• Artwork Approval: Animalkind like Animal Magic! (April 15, 2008)
• Every Art Studio Needs a Watch-Dog (April 10, 2008)
• Veterinary Emergencies (April 2, 2008)
• Sunbathing DOGS (March 12, 2008)
• “Happy Birthday!” Editor-in-Chief and Studio Assistant, Lev (February 5, 2008)
• Always a Puppy, Never a Dog (August 23, 2007)
• ART STUDIO Assistants and Poodle Pals (April 1, 2007)
• DOG-Sitter Caution (January 21, 2007)
• PUPPY (Baby) Pictures (December 22, 2006)
• CAPE COD in Fall/Winter (November 6, 2006)

Lev’s and Sage’s big day is finally here. Yes, they are getting married after 9.5 years of cohabitation!  And, here they are—the happy couple at their "dress rehearsal" on a sunnier day earlier this week.  Of course, it’s raining today—but they’ll have a great time anyway.

For more about Lev and Sage, please check out earlier blog posts.  These include:

• Wedding Announcement! A Later in Life Marriage for Older Woman, Younger Man, and It’s Dog-Friendly (May 28, 2009)
• 12 Years-Old Today—Lev Makin, Editor-in-Chief, DocSusan’s Blog. From Puppy to Pensioner! (February 5, 2009)
• Winter Fashion and Practicality for Dogs (February 7, 09)
• Paraphimosis: Little Penis, Big Swelling and Extrusion from the Prepuce—Sage’s Health Saga Continues (February 4, 2009)
• Dog-Shots by Lev and Sage Makin: Some of the Best Poses of 2008 (February 2, 2009)
• “The Sneeze”: Lev Makin (Blog Editor in Chief) Post Oral Surgery—Older Dog, Longer Recovery and Greater Concern (January 14, 2009)
• Sew Nice! Homemade as Tonic and Treasure (January 9, 2009)
• Lessons from 2008: Canine Confidence and Coincidence Cure (January 1, 2009)
• Home for the Holidays! Sick Puppy Alert: When Two Dogs are Better than One. (December 25, 2008)
• Homemade Dog Food: Synchronicity, Health, Quality (November 22, 2008)
• 48-Hours of Caring for Sick and Elderly. Sage Makin, Little Wonder-Dog’s Recovery in Images (November 10, 2008)
• One to One at Apple: Customer Satisfaction and Doggies Included (July 26, 2008)
• Older Dogs’ Health Watch (July 10, 2008)
• Favorite Dog Toy is a Duck (June 8, 2008)
• Artists Need Moral Support—and Caninekind Offers the Best (May 5, 2008)
• Artwork Approval: Animalkind like Animal Magic! (April 15, 2008)
• Every Art Studio Needs a Watch-Dog (April 10, 2008)
• Veterinary Emergencies (April 2, 2008)
• Sunbathing DOGS (March 12, 2008)
• “Happy Birthday!” Editor-in-Chief and Studio Assistant, Lev (February 5, 2008)
• Always a Puppy, Never a Dog (August 23, 2007)
• ART STUDIO Assistants and Poodle Pals (April 1, 2007)
• DOG-Sitter Caution (January 21, 2007)
• PUPPY (Baby) Pictures (December 22, 2006)
• CAPE COD in Fall/Winter (November 6, 2006)

It’s never too late to get married!  Lev and Sage, studio assistants and editors-in-chief of the DocSusan sites, are setting an example!  Younger man (9.5 years), older woman (12.5 years), and he lets her win every time:-)  Please celebrate this good news with us, as a prelude to Woofstock, and to help raise funds for canine cancer research (via the Ontario Veterinary College’s Pet Trust).  Your background cheers will help them win the "best costume" award!  Skinny Sage has just had his ensemble refitted, and Lev will be beautiful in ivory. Since they’ve been living together for a while, already, Lev decided against white, and that’s all we can tell you for now.  Just know they’ll look doglightful under their pet-friendly Chuppah, and we’re hoping for a few other surprises… The cameras will be rolling for those who can’t attend—lots of pictures and mementos to share with you, at Woofstock, as well as on-line, later.  Ceremony (with canine High Tea) at Le Méridien King Edward Hotel, Sunday June 7, 2009.

RESPECT is one of the "Three Rs": Respect, Reciprocity, Replies.  For more details about the two others, please see earlier blog posts (listed below) that have been highlighted in bold.

Back to basics:  showing respect for others

1. Arrive on time.
2. Listen with interest and focus.
3. Follow up on and stick to what’s been planned or discussed.
4. Give a  “please,”  “thank you,”  “sorry,” without prompt.
5. Show that we all matter equally, regardless of position.
6. Put yourself in the other’s shoes: value and acknowledge their effort.
7. Be prepared in advance, and present on the spot:  don’t waste anyone else’s time or energy.
8. Offer compensation or alternatives when/if things go wrong.
9. Don’t let your cell phone interrupt or take over.
10. Check self-importance at the door.

It’s surprising when (and where) there’s a need to point out “basics.”  Sadly, those in positions of the greatest authority may show the least consideration.  Expectations of them can lead to disappointments, and disappointments may be justified. The only “higher-ups” that deserve RESPECT are the ones who are able to give it.  In a world, and an economy, where anything can happen, being able to get back to basics helps us know (not just feel) what might be right and/or wrong.

How do you confirm you’ve not been respected?  

1. If 5 or more items on the ten-point list (above) appear to have been ignored, intentionally or not.  
2. If you have a stress response later, like IFS (Instant Fatigue Syndrome)

IFS (Instant Fatigue Syndrome)

Fatigue seems to come from nowhere.  One minute you were fine. The next, you feel drained.  Stress can do this!  A feeling of powerlessness and disappointment take over, and nothing (not even the kind words of those who understand) appears able to lift your spirits or energy.  

To go with the fatigue or not?  Sometimes you don’t have a choice.  Being able to sleep things off is a luxury and necessity. Dragging yourself around in pain (without gain) can often make things worse.  Take the time out that you need to regroup, and know better for next time, that no else has the power to drain your essential energies, hopes, and inspiration.  You are weren’t problem!  They were…  Let this be an isolated experience and learning opportunity…

Too polite, or awkward, to let it be known how you feel?

You are not alone!  Most of us would have a similar reaction.  If we were to speak up, we might not be heard anyway. So, what would be the point?  No one likes to be criticized, and complaints often fall on deaf ears.  No wonder there’s so much glumness around!  Fight glumness by moving on. When it’s clear that another can’t show you the respect you’re due, step back and away.  But, don’t be silent about what occurred, indefinitely.  Help make sure that no one else be unnecessarily upset in the same way.  “Forewarned is forearmed,” or so it’s said.

Earlier respect-related Blog Posts include:

• Relationship Watch: Don’t Know What to Do? Do Something! Doing (and Thinking) Differently in 2009 (January 18, 2009)
• New Year’s Resolutions for 2009: Forgiveness Tops Many a List (December 30, 2008)
• Reflections on “The Season of Giving”: Who Cares? Doers, Takers, Nosey-Pokes, Nothingers (December 28, 2008)
• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• No “PLEASE,” No “THANK-YOU,” No HAPPY (May 30, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

Family Day, a holiday that’s unique to Ontario, Canada, and in its second year, proves challenging to some who live solo. Local decision-makers might not have realized and/or taken into account all the variables and ramifications. This province-wide holiday comes just two days after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day might have felt awkward for individuals without a “special someone” in their life with whom to celebrate. The next day, they recuperate:  move on from worries about having been unable to identify.  Then, another blow: a similar holiday in rapid succession that seems to have even less relevance to their status, experience, and/or interests.

That the number of singles (never married, divorced, widowed, or separated) is growing, in Canada and elsewhere, is not just a fact.  It’s a reality! Unfortunately, most events scheduled in and around Toronto (as listed in the Toronto Star for Family Day) don’t appear to take this into consideration.  A lot of Torontonians can’t but help feel left out.  However, it’s embarrassing for them to complain out loud. So, what can they do, and how might legislators show greater sensitivity in future years?  Should a “Solo Day” be inserted into the calendar too?

Even if  “Family Day” alienates with a name that’s not every-citizen-inclusive, it’s still important to make the most of the opportunity for a day off, and find alternative purpose for festivity. Better not to lament over what the day might be supposed to represent if you are without family and/or have unhappy familial associations. More advisable to try and make the effort to do something worthwhile, memorable, productive, or relaxing, how ever possible.

Here are some suggestions (in random order) to assist solos who might feel disconnected and/or blue on, or due to, Family Day.  Though each person might have different priorities (needs, limitations, capacities, and capabilities), staying optimistic and being open to doing, thinking, and believing differently is important:

1.   Focus on other personal positives and accomplishments.
2.   Stay active (and distracted) with work projects and/or hobbies.
3.   Avoid situations and venues that cause discomfort.
4.   Hang out with others in similar circumstances.
5.   Volunteer and help those less fortunate.
6.   Welcome invitations that are feel-good opportunities, for self or others.
7.   Relax and rest at home if going out doesn’t seem like it will be fun.
8.   Enjoy pets and focus on spending quality time with them.
9.   Catch up with administrivia (bills) and housekeeping (clean up).
10. Smile! (even if you don’t want to)—perhaps the simplest way to start feeling better.
11. Self-Indulge:  read a good book, go for a run, have a glass of wine or massage…
12. Host a get-together or pot-luck: invite other solos and/or families.

Hats off to families (and friends) who are able to reach out to solos and include and/or make a fuss of them, on Family Day especially!  

Earlier related bog posts include:

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about romance, it’s about friendship too—caring, sharing and expressing thanks.  

In a Today Show segment, (January 3rd 08), Shannon Ethridge, author of The Sexually Confident Wife, told how healthy relationships fuel our lives.  Lesley Rotchford, Deputy Editor of Cosmopolitan told how a new year can offer the push you need to move on. The following poem highlights the importance of (good) friends…

Friends Need Friends

Friends are there
When you need them to care

Friends do
No need to ask

Friends are strangers
And strangers are friends

Those about whom we know less
May give more

Those whom we least expect
Hang in and on, don’t reject
Feelings protect

Farewell to friends who aren’t really
Farewell to friends who thought they were, nearly

Friends are there
When you need them to care

We treasure them dearly

True friends know who they are
As well as who they can be

Less is more
And more may be less

Small stuff no big deal
Loyalty real.

Take time to treasure friends old, new, and in between—and show them you do!   Never too late to be (back) in touch with those (once) held dear…  Facebook and other social networking sites are helping a lot of us do this!

Earlier FRIENDSHIP-related blog posts include:

• Relationship Watch: Don’t Know What to Do? Do Something! Doing (and Thinking) Differently in 2009 (January 18, 2009)
• New Year’s Resolutions for 2009: Forgiveness Tops Many a List (December 30, 2008)
• Reflections on “The Season of Giving”: Who Cares? Doers, Takers, Nosey-Pokes, Nothingers (December 28, 2008)
• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• No “PLEASE,” No “THANK-YOU,” No HAPPY (May 30, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

As fate would have it, my little dog, Sage, (Editor in Chief of the DocSusan website) fell ill around the same time as I did. His fight for survival and bounce-back over the last few months was inspiring, when making sure I was well enough to take him to veterinary appointments became an interesting dance.  On the many days of bed rest between hospital procedures, we cuddled and snuggled and helped each other through.

Please check out my poetry about hospital waiting rooms and veterinary waiting rooms.  It shares experiences that most people will go through at one time or another—for which there is usually no preparation or easy way to cope.  Then there’s the waiting for the surgery to be over, and anticipation…

I am sincerely grateful to those who have been there for both Sage and myself through our challenging days, especially Lev (Editor in Chief of this blog)!  A happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year to everyone. Look forward, not back!  Better times ahead…

Forgiveness
A state of mind
More about you than me

Forgiveness
Nothing to do with stuff you may say I’ve done
That about which others, more savvy, might not have thought

Silences alienate
Anger bursts annihilate

Reason, too often not there
Do you really care?

You, not me

You, the one holding the grudge
You, the one whom it’s impossible to nudge

How upset you are is not what things are really about
Or your pout

Forgiveness
A state of mind
Distinguishes the difficult from the kind

Let another live, calmly, their life
Evaporate strife

Realize no one is perfect

We all make mistakes
And we all need breaks

Distance and time
Willingness and compensation
Altruism and imagination

Sometimes matters repair
Sometimes they induce heavier care

"Forgiveness," an 11-letter word
From word to action…

Kind gestures finally seem to matter more than material gifts, in part because of the economy, in part because there’s no substitute for healthful human connection.  This holiday season, I baked cookies for friends, neighbors, and neighborhood businesses.  These were genuinely appreciated.  Home-made—no matter how basic, like chocolate chip cookies—shows you care, and that you’ve put precious time aside to do so, beyond the actual gift-giving act or purchase.  During the planning and creation process, it just feels good to know that there can be simpler ways to make others happy.  The more impersonal and alienating/lonely the world becomes, the harder we have to try…

Who cares, and who doesn’t?  You might be surprised and disappointed to find out, especially at peak moments. 

Peak moments are special circumstances (like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebrations).  Peak moments can also be times of difficulty:  sickness, loss, disappointment—not health, gain, and happiness.

As we exit the "season of giving" it’s good timing to reflect on our own behavior, as well as others’.  "Do unto others as we would wish to have done unto us" is a familiar cliché," one that may seem increasingly hard to have ring true.  Until something happens to us, ourselves, we might not get that jolt—the jolt that is humbling.  As we stumble, we want another to help catch our fall.  But, there’s not always anyone there—anyone we can count on that is.

Four main personality types appear obvious:  Doers, Talkers, Nosey-Pokes, and Nothingers:

• Doers do, no need to talk about it, in advance or afterwards. They surprise and delight, excuses not necessary.  Doers might owe us nothing.  We can owe them everything.

• Talkers talk, but seldom come through—do or give to anyone else except themselves.

• Nosey-Pokes like to know what’s happening.  "Talking" and "doing" are not really their concerns.  Information check-ins help keep them in the loop—provide scoop/fuel for gossip, but little more.

• Nothingers don’t do, talk, or nose.  They simply aren’t interested in any way—unless it’s about them.

Friends you thought were friends might prove they’re not.  Strangers fill in the blanks, and beyond.  Expectations lead to disappointments.  Disappointments lead to expectations.  At peak moments, we’re likely to realize all of this, and more…

Good caring others may be found once we stop pursuing and/or grieving for those who aren’t.

Earlier related blog posts include:

• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

At home sick, over recent weeks, there’s been an opportunity to get back to basics.  Though always a "health-conscious eater," I am all the more so now.  No one else around to nurture me on a daily basis, and the dogs unable to cook (only supervise), I’ve not just come up with some interesting concoctions, but ones that are easily portionable, freezable, reheatable, and digestible.

As a "one," it’s great to have something tasty pre-prepared for zero energy days, especially before and after medical procedures.  And, when you’re able to advance-cook in bulk, time and wastage are saved.  Also, efforts can be enjoyed over a series of days or weeks.  

A "secret weapon" in making (swelling) grain-based recipes is a microwave rice-cooker.  While that’s doing its job, I bake and/or chop the other ingredients, ready to be added later.

Brown Rice Rissotto—Kind Of

• Baby bok choy (6 medium-size)
• Celery (bunch)
• Cranberries (1 small container)
• Squash (1 or 2 large)
• Short grain brown rice (1 bag)
• Arugala pesto sauce (1 small container)
• Pine nuts (a couple of ounces, lightly grilled to brown)

Once the rice is cooked, the rest of the ingredients can be added.  The bok choy, celery, and cranberries will soften with the heat from the rice and squash.  The squash has been baked for 45 mins to an hour at 450 degrees, before being extracted from its skin and cut into small pieces. The final dish, with all ingredients combined, can be microwaved for a couple of minutes before serving and/or freezing.

A nice piece of fresh fish, like Tilapia, served on top, makes for a more complete meal.  Vegetarians can add a goat cheesed topping, grilling or baking to melt.

Quinoa and Sweet Potato (image above)

• Quinoa (1 bag of mixed, red and white)
• Sweet potatoes (4 large)
• Celery (bunch)
• Green tomatoes (6)
• Mache (one packet)
• Slivered almonds (1 container)
• Salad dressing, with garlic and sundried tomatoes

Once the quinoa is cooked (in the rice cooker) and the sweet potatoes have been baked and cut up, all ingredients can be mixed together.  The tomatoes, celery, and mache will soften with the heat from the quinoa and sweet potatoes.  The final dish, with all ingredients combined, can be microwaved for a couple of minutes before serving and/or freezing.

Again, a nice piece of fresh fish, like Tilapia, served on top, makes for a more complete meal.  Vegetarians can make a goat cheesed topping, grilling or baking to melt. And, if company is coming, why not get fancy:  stuff peppers with it, and bake in the oven till the peppers are slightly softened. Large red, yellow, or orange peppers makenice color contrasts.

Non-Freezable fresh foods are important too.  Best not to let these last beyond three days.  Therefore, keep recipe quantities in mind.

The Best Egg Salad

(3 portions:  day of making, the next day, and the next)

• Eggs (6)
• Nayanaise with Dijon
• Feta (4 ounces, or thereabouts)
• Giant green olives (small container)
• Baby carrots (a handful, before chopping) or fennel (a handful, afer chopping)
• Salt and pepper to season

Serve on a bed of romaine lettuce and/or with rice crackers to make a more complete meal.

Not-Quite Guacamole

(3 portions:  day of making, the next day, and the next)

• Avocado (extra large)
• Juice of one lemon
• Sundried tomatoes (6 chopped small)
• Regular tomato (1 large)
• Spring onions (a few)
• Probioitic yogurt (but don’t drown the avocado)
• Salt and pepper to season

• Optional add in:  roasted artichokes with olive oil

Serve with crackers as a snack.  Kashi’s 7 Grain are an interesting choice. For the yogurt, Liberté’s Svelte Bio works well.

Fruit Cup and/or Smoothy

(3 portions of fruit cup:  day of making, the next day, and the next.  On day three, any remainders can be used for a fruit smoothy mix.)

• Lemon juice (from 1 lemon)
• Banana
• Blueberries (1 container)
• Pineapple chunks (fresh)
• Dates (fresh)
• Mango
• Mint (homegrown, in season)

(Probiotic Yogurt for the fruit smoothy, and ice, also a tablespoon of flax seeds—if you want to stay "regular".  Again, Liberté’s Svelte Bio is particularly good for the yogurt.)

For other recipes on this blog, please check out the following posts:

• Homemade Dog Food: Synchronicity, Health, Quality (November 22, 2008)
• The Cooking Gene—No Exact Recipes, Wholesome Cuisine 2: Cookies and Scones (September 25, 2008)
• The Cooking Gene—No Exact Recipes, Wholesome Cuisine 1: Soups (September 22, 2008)

The Today Show looked at a new buzz subject this morning, "secondhand stress"—the not being able to sleep at night because of worrying about other peoples’ problems.  This terminology is catchy, like "secondhand smoke."  But, "secondhand smoke," which is exactly that, is easier to define accurately. "Secondhand stress," when thought about carefully, could have extended and/or alternative meanings.  How others’ problems make us worry (about them) might not be as serious as how others (problematic) behavior (towards us) can give us our own fresh problems—first-, as well as secondhand, stress.  

Our interactions with other people, and the relationships they help make or break are key determinants of well-being.  Think about the ends of friendships and the misunderstandings and lack of resolution attached to them.  These can come about because of one person’s own (unrelated) issues, and actually have very little do with the other person at all.  Unfortunately, few ex-friends who instigate break-ups, provide chances for clarification.

"Friend A," who is typically quick to anger, jealousy, or assumption, might eliminate  "Friend B" instantly, no leeway for discussion or explanation.  In the aftermath, "Friend B" wonders what’s hit him.  What did he do wrong?  Perhaps nothing.  But, the ongoing stress from the loss of the friendship that seems impossible to repair still nags and gnaws.  Then there’s "passive aggression" in ongoing "friendships."  "Friend A" bottles things up for a long time, not telling "Friend B" what’s wrong. Instead, he acts out in different ways that make "Friend B" feel uncomfortable or unable to get things right.  Intentionally, or not, "Friend A" may be a bit of a "manipulator."  However, most "manipulators" often set out with a plan from the start, and "passive aggression" is often more unconscious than contrived.  Secrecy, is something else, and another friendship-barrier.

There’s a lot to say about how others make us feel, and how we handle our responses to stress generated by interactions with "used-to-be-friends".  This blog entry focuses on categorizing and listing the "frienemy-types" that can boost (secondhand) stress levels, as suggested in the scenarios just described:  

1.  The Quick-Ender:  This "frienemy" has a short fuse, quickly ignited by jealousy, anger, and/or assumption.  Being friends with this person can be an interesting/passionate ride, so long as they are on your side. However, once they develop a "hate," stand clear. If they do agree to talk things through, they won’t have much of a listening ear.  Their quickness to judgment is a bit of a handicap, and they’ll have to be right, and you’ll have to wrong…

2.  The Bottler:  This "frienemy" might not know how to act differently, and prefer to swathe in self-defensive behaviors that don’t bode well for open and adaptable friendships.  Bottling is a lengthy process, and preserved foods have shelf life.  What’s been happening over (an extended) period of time can’t be repaired in an instant.  Habits have formed, which may be hard to break, and expectations (and disappointments) linger.  The person who doesn’t seem like a troublemaker may actually cause more anguish than imaginable…

3.  The Controller:  This "frienemy" might not have been open or true from the start, having a one-sided notion of  "friendship requirements."  Most friendships, like it or not, happen on a "needs" basis.  "A" offers  "B" something, "B" offers "A" something.  There’s overlapping "interests" or "connection possibilities."  Friendships that don’t give "returns" mightn’t be valuable enough for "controllers" to maintain:  "friends" who can’t be made to do something are no longer "friends."  Self-esteem may determine how long manipulation can be endured—no one likes a "bully" but a "bully" often finds ways to stick around (especially when others are weak)…

4.  The Secretive:   This "frienemy" has "boundaries" that are extreme or unnecessary.  Caring and sharing are natural components of healthy friendships.  Not disclosing relevant information and keeping secrets jeopardizes and destroys potential to take things to the next level.  "Holding-patterns" don’t work.  When one person does all the talking and the other all the listening (and questioning), there’s an imbalance.  This doesn’t always happen because the talker is self-absorbed.  The listener simply wishes to keep the focus on the other person as a way of avoiding questions about his "own stuff"…

We don’t usually know, right away, how a friendship will play out—whether or not there’ll be problems with a "Quick-Ender," "Bottler," "Controller," or "Secretive" type.  But, like with other life-circumstances, before a final fallout, there are often warning signs, to which we may, or may not, pay attention.  So, when friendships are dissolved, there may be a lot more pain than surprise.  Also, making (satisfying) peace with the types listed above isn’t, generally, a viable option. 

Earlier Blog Entries about Friendship include:

• "A" and "B" List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

Earlier Blog Entries about Relationship Stressors Include:

• Mixed Messages and Contradictions (September 29, 2008)
• PLAY NICE—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (February 1, 2008)
• RELATIONSHIP “Uppers” and “Downers” (January 29, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• Handle with CARE—IDENTIFY, EXPOSE, and GET HELP for Those Who Can Do Harm (like at Virginia Tech) (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)

This e-mail was received in response to my recent blog entry on solo travel.  Its author is Maxwell Kates, and I am posting it with his permission:

I’m writing to respond to your blog entry about single travelers. I thought it was well written as it describes a number of thoughts and concerns single travelers face or may not realize.  Although my research in this area is not scientific, I am aware that there has never been a community so large, widespread, and disparate as the singles of our times.  Of the 6.6 billion people on the planet, at least two billion are considered single.  There might have been other communities to which members might not have wished to admit association in the past, but these were, generally, more cohesive, due to common practices, lifestyles, or beliefs. What seems to unite singles today is an absence from their lives.  I feel it is difficult for any business to target a product to a market such as "singles" if it is defined by what members are not, rather than what they are.  I’ve discovered this after attending events where participants have come together due to their (non)marital status, but may have nothing in common with respect to anything else.  Also, I’ve also traveled a lot in the past five years.  Apart from a trip to New York with my dad in 2005, it’s been independent of friends and family.  I’ve taken package excursions, attended conventions, joined with organizations and to volunteer, all en groupe.  Each trip has had advantages and disadvantages.  Your level of connection with co-travelers is the luck of the draw.  Then there’s the alternative: traveling completely on your own. Last month I went to Vancouver for a week.  Why Vancouver?  Part of the reason is that I know about a dozen people there.  I was unemployed at the time and wanted to be around people I knew.  Of the twelve, I arranged to meet six of them, averaging nearly one visit a day over eight days.  With one of the six, I traveled to Seattle where I saw three more people I know - two intentionally, one by accident.   Another factor for picking Vancouver was on a recommendation by another member of "the singles jungle," who deemed the city a welcoming destination for solo travelers.  When traveling alone, I try to find a hotel that has a community atmosphere.  As was the case with prior vacations to San Francisco and to London, I succeeded in Vancouver.  You never know who you’ll meet in such circumstances. These are all topics you discussed in your recent entry. Others, including self-sufficiency and personal entertainment, are concepts which did not cross my mind.  Yes, traveling (and living, for that matter) on your own can be more expensive than with friends or a significant other, but it beats the alternative of uncongenial companionship, just for the sake of it. Thanks for writing about such matters and providing readers the opportunity to think about them.

Maxwell, thank you for your feedback, sharings and suggestions!

When I decided to travel to French Polynesia (where I am writing from now), I was well aware that this is a honeymoon/couples destination.  However, there are may other special celebrations to mark with big trips like this—birthdays, professional milestones, overcoming burnout. Or, quite simply it may be the right time to go somewhere/the realization of a dream.  If we have the health, strength, and good fortune to be able to do so, it’s important to seize opportunities, no over-analysis.  Live in the moment!  Last week, I was in hospital.  It was touch-and-go whether I’d be able to travel at all.  This reinforced to me, all the more, the necessity of brushing aside qualms about traveling solo.  

Can travel, will travel, and hope for the best!  Why should solo travelers be deprived of seeing places like Tahiti or Bora Bora, just because it’s not typical for them to be there?… I’m thrilled to be in the South Pacific right now!   Though I’ve been excited to view the wonders of this remarkable paradise, I do admit to having had time to reflect and wonder about issues solo travel stirs. Others have shared their stories about this. And, of course, I have many of my own.

Some people can travel alone.  Others cannot.  When choosing to travel solo—or having no option but to do so, certain factors matter.  These include:

1. Destinations: where you go and how you get there can make things easier (or not)
2. Tour operators:  select wisely
3. Personal coping/activity strategies
4. Personal expectations and tolerances
5. Personal gregariousness, charisma, and courage
6. Luck and timing:  co-travelers and environmental factors

For those who travel solo to get away from everything and everyone, this blog entry might appear ridiculous.  It is really intended for a growing (and, possibly, more embarrassed and silent) majority:  those who might, increasingly, be obliged to spend time alone, at home as well as on the road, like it or not.

Though it’s hard to accept, we live in a lonely and isolating world.  Ironically, Internet dating and big-city life can be counterproductive—lead to a lack of community feeling and less accountability/reliability.  From the outside, those who are in relationships would think it’s easy to meet and connect.  From the inside, those who are not in relationships will tell you it’s more difficult than it seems.  Many tire of the process, and those around them (especially if coupled) don’t, usually want to hear about it.  A lot give up along the way—would rather "settle" with someone who’s not really for them than endure the stigma and pain perpetual self-reliance can provoke.

Then, comes vacation time. The best things in life (vacations being no exception) are shared.  But, if you don’t have "significant others" in your life, what do you do?  Find a congenial "friend" who’s schedule, budget, and interests permit them to journey with you?  Or, stay home?  If you are optimistic, brave, adventurous, or resilient, the travel bug will win out and you’ll decide to go anyway.  Nevertheless, despite good intentions (unflagging courage and being properly organized and prepared) it’s hard, sometimes, not to feel inadequate or out of place, even if you are not.  

Don’t worry about what  others might think or say.  Probably, if they’re traveling as a twosome or en famille, they wouldn’t have the stamina of mind to go it alone, or enjoy!  And then there’s their squabbles.  Just because people are traveling together, it doesn’t mean that they are doing so happily.  Trips have been known to end relationships, rather than bring people closer!

TRAVELING SOLO:  Weighing the Options

1. Destinations:  where you go and how you get there can make things easier (or not)

• Where you’ve been before (and feel safe).
• Vacation/second homes (family or timeshare, where there’s familiarity/routine/other people).
• Package trips (where everything is organized and there’s less personal responsibility).
• Group trips (where interactive opportunities are part of the itinerary).
• Activity/adventure/cultural trips (where there’s a common goal and theme and/or group dynamic).
•  Conference(s)Seminars and their ad-ons (where the professional and personal can overlap).

2. Tour operators:  select wisely

• Those who offer solo traveler options (they’re not for "singles" per se, but don’t make singles feel uncomfortable).
• Those who are solo-sensitive (and provide incentives for those who, like it or not, are obliged to travel alone).
• Those who don’t charge single supplements (might alienate/discriminate/take advantage…).
• Those who welcome repeat business (and will try harder, however they can—every person mattering, not just every room).
• Those who are pet friendly.  (If you don’t have a human to travel with, you may want to take your pet).
• Those who realize that solo travelers are a market worth favoring—that solo travel shouldn’t just be the "privilege" of those who can pay the price (financially and/or emotionally).

3. Personal coping/activity strategies

Nothing worse than having others feel sorry for you, or appearing needy…

• Always have your own entertainments (in lieu of traveling companions who may not actualize):  books, magazines, handicrafts (knitting, paints, etc.), photographic equipment, Ipod, sports equipment., and, and, and…
•  Self-sufficiency. (Yikes!).  You might have noone to hold your place in the line, or watch your bag.   You also might not be able to run and get refreshments, or to the bathroom.  Be prepared:

- Carry snacks
- Go to the bathroom before you get off the plane, or train
- Travel light
- Know how to entertain yourself (as above)
- Know how to connect with co-travelers (who can be helpful) but be cautious
- Be prepared to not have to depend on anyone else for anything (thought getting photos taken of yourself, by strangers, can be challenging…)

If driving, staying awake and safety matter even more:  audio-entertainment, traveling at the best time of day for you, where you stop, nutrition, car maintenance/protection, and, and, and…

4. Personal expectations and tolerances

Be prepared to not have to depend on anyone else for companionship or favors.  How solos navigate in a non-solo crowd is personal.  We all have different (cap)abilities, as well as purposes for our journeys.  At home, it’s possible to hide from situations where you feel you might not fit in. On the road, you’re out in the open, and exposed to environments and happenings that can make you feel awkward/out-of-context (no shields).  Know your limitations, but also be prepared to stretch yourself.  Try new things, and ways to approach others.  Turn fears into opportunities!  At home, you know what to expect (most of the time).  On the road, you don’t always… Different cultures stimulate fresh  chances to grow and learn.  Embrace, enjoy, and be thankful!
 
5. Personal gregariousness, charisma, and courage

How you are at home may be how you are on vacation. How you are at home may not be how you are on vacation.   Some are quiet.  Some are not.  Some are approachable. Some are not. Some need to make extra efforts. Some do not.  A little success may go a long way.  Try and try again.  Use whatever skills and talents you have, or invent them.  Be open to possibilities and let travel help broaden your mind and ways of seeing and doing…  

6. Luck and timing:  co-travelers and environmental factors

Sense who your co-travelers are.  Some may be traveling together because they want quality time with each other.  These folks won’t welcome you joining them, at meals or in activities.  Others may enjoy meeting new people no matter what, and might welcome you with open arms. Some of the best (accidental) friendships are made on vacation!  Finally, there are those travelers who, may (unintentionally or not) find "strays" entertaining "filler" for an evening or an excursion.  Also, depending on where you are staying, and who else is staying there at the time, dining and excursions may offer ways to connect.  Tables which are open to anyone to join, and activities that don’t just cater for "twos" but offer "partner-providing" opportunities are bonuses (funny as it might seem)!

At time of booking, ask questions

• What your tour operator/destination (can or will) provide (if their single supplement offers something in return, like solo-sensitiviy).
• Without asking for specifics, check the demographic of other travelers (age, gender, social status, etc.)—If you will stand out from the crowd, or not.

Trip providers, please listen up.  Remember that tours and destinations that are solo-friendly (integrate solos with regular travelers) are often preferred by solo travelers.  Many don’t enjoy "singles’ trips" or activities per se—and that’s a whole other discussion as to why…

At time of booking, know your personal limitations

Try and stretch yourself wherever you can.  Nothing is ever perfect.  Attitude, effort, and intention count—for traveler and travel provider, alike!  That said, it’s nice for vacationers (who are paying) to have their stressors reduced where and however they can be!  

Trip providers, please listen up.  Remember, if you do charge a single supplement, try and give those paying it value for the extra money.  There’s always something creative or  considerate  that can be done (and it doesn’t have to cost).  A little thoughtfulness/kindness can go a long way!

What is 50?  Fifty can be a face—a face that tells a story, a life that’s half a century long.  Here’s a recent portrait I painted—one that marks the 50-milestone.

Portraiture is a very personal process (for artist as much—and even more so—than sitter).  You get to know the subject a little better—come to read between the lines (no pun intended), see where their truth might lie then stress what can show them in best light.  

Portraiture is magical. It’s not a photograph. Interpretation and revelation are meaningful. Those who are able to view carefully pick up energies—recognize limitations, wonders, and a whole lot more.  It’s a terrific feeling to be able to present someone else’s best face to the world, especially on canvas.

Juxtapositions are interesting… 

Ellen DeGeneres paid tribute to Heath Ledger at the end of her show, Wednesday January 23 08.  This was piggybacked onto the joviality of her not-to-be-forgotten 50th birthday celebrations.  The gearshift, I felt, was awkward. I am a huge fan of Ellen, and think she’s very good at getting her fans and other celebrities involved.  I was, however, a little surprised with the extended birthday hoopla.  First there was her own 18-day countdown.  Then others, like the TV.com Community added to the hype with additional tribute pages.  And, of course, there were "surprises" from other well-knowns, like Justin Timberlake, episode-after-episode…  

We do feel better about ourselves when others are there to celebrate milestones with us. That’s clear.  Even those who protest they don’t want a party might be relieved and delighted when one is made for them.  But, what about all those others reaching similar milestone days that don’t have Ellen’s networking capacity or publicity operation? How many of them might be home alone for birthdays—not in celebratory mood, or able to feel quite as good about themselves?  

A quick Google search on the subject of 50th birthdays and Ellen’s led to an on-line contest, "Help Ellen Degeneres Celebrate her 50th Birthday."  The grand prize winner was getting a VIP trip to Los Angeles to help Ellen celebrate, by attending the filming of her show.  Again, more about and for Ellen. Ellen really is fabulous, and she does an abundance of nice things for others. However, sometimes, there’s a point at which (perceived) vanity can become insanity.  Instead of another offering for Ellen, could there not have been an ideal opportunity here for the Ellen team to help create awareness that not everyone has her current good fortune to be out there and loved as much as she is? (Maybe there was, maybe I missed it?) 

Also, let’s not forget that even those who are out there and loved, like Heath Ledger (was), might have other difficulties (be in need of different types of support). Ellen did have her own challenging days 10 years back. Though it’s good not to dwell on transitional periods, it’s always nice to remember, when things are going better for you, that others might not be quite as advantaged—or happy.  A little attention can go a long way.  A lot of attention can go too far, even with those we admire.

Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) starts tonight.  When the "gates" close at sunset tomorrow a New Year will begin, contemplation (and repentance time) shoved to the back-burner for many. 

Trying to remain mindful and careful year-round isn’t always easy—perhaps why three simple words seem to get growing attention:  "reliability," "vulnerability," and "fear."  They highlight problems many of us encounter daily.  They also point to short-comings (our own as well as others’).  Here are a few snapshots of how, told through acrostic poetry:

Reliability

Ready, willing, and able
Efficiency matters
Linked to what you do—or don’t
Impression stands for something
Actions too
But not everyone plays fair
Integrity matters, or so you’d hope
Letting things go
"I" counts more than "you," "he," "she," "they", or, "we"
Tales to tell
Yes, a slide in values, symptomatic of our times, but no excuse

Vulnerability

Very open
Unguarded
Lots to tell
Not always to the right people
Excitement and energy often misplaced
Reason and rationality lacking
Anxious, maybe as a result
Brave, but losing it
Irritated by consequences
Left out, regardless how much shared
Intimidated
Tense
Yearning

Fear

False impressions of what might be
Emotions taking over, justifiably and not
Ahhhhh!  It wasn’t so bad after all
Relief, thinking about it is worse than actually doing it

 

Growing up, I spent a lot of time in the kitchen watching my mother.  She’s still meticulous following recipes, even after cooking for almost 70 years.  No exact instructions for me! Observations and taste buds take over. With a little understanding of formulas and ingredients, I’ve discovered it’s hard to go wrong.  Also, cooking in bulk is cost-, time-, and mess-efficient.  Make large quantities and freeze—even, and especially, as a "one."  Nice to have someone else to cook for/appreciate what you’ve made. However, dipping into the freezer for meals and treats prepared in advance can feel like someone else might have cooked for you!  Self-nurturing, by choice or out of necessity, can be as creative as it is satisfying…and healthy.

Soups need sautéed onions and lots of vegetables, and should be puréed/liquidized.  Adding fruit juice and garden herbs makes them all the more nutritious and tasty.  Fall is a great time to store up for winter, especially when there’s such interesting produce being harvested locally.

8 Squash Medley

• 8 giant squash (each one being of a different variety)—baked till cooked through
• 6 giant white onions—sautéed till golden brown
• EVOA (Extra virgin olive oil) to sautée the onions
• 2 cups apple sauce
• 3 cups orange cranberry juice
• salt and pepper to season
• chives (from garden if possible)—cut up and added after making purée

Blend all ingredients together for a thick sweet main-course soup.

Curried Parsnip with Caraway

• 4 bags parsnips (approximately 1 - 2lbs each)—baked till cooked through
• 6 giant white onions—sautéed till golden brown
• EVOA (Extra virgin olive oil) to sautée the onions
• 1.5 cups orange cranberry juice
• 3 cups orange cranberry juice
• salt and pepper to season
• curry powder to season
• caraway seeds to season

Blend all ingredients together for a thick spicy main-course soup.

Last Friday evening, passing through Yorkville, I noticed a bunch of empty tables:  at Sassafraz, Café Nervosa, Dimmi, Remy’s, Lettieri—all the usual hangout corners.  At  6:30 - 7:00 pm you could take your pick.  So, spontaneously, I decided to stick around:  choose a restaurant where I’d not been before—Flow.  Since the dogs were with me, this worked out well. They could perch on the perimeter hedge of the patio in the comfort of their travel bag, with a view out onto the Hazleton Hotel and One.  The waiters were attentive and kind.  A large bowl of iced water was served to them, and a sliver of duck from a complimentary amuse gueule.  My own dinner of blackened cod and root fries, followed by meringue, was also nicely presented and delicious.  It’s very easy to (be made to) feel uncomfortable when dining solo. But, for some reason, I had the contrary experience here.  By 8ish the Ronnie Hawkins Band was heating up on the roof of an adjacent parking lot and the rain had started to come down.  The night was just beginning, and the opening weekend of the Toronto International Film Festival underway…

Portia de Rossi was asked about the best (relationship) advice she’d been given prior to her wedding with Ellen de Generes.  Recorded in a People Magazine’s September 1 08 exclusive about their nuptials, she said it came from Wayne Dyer:

"’ Just be kind to each other and be very respectful and considerate.’"

Whether for romantic/intimate relationships, or between friends (close or not), similar "rules" apply.  Kindness, respect, and consideration matter.  Cliché but true, "By doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves, we can each, in our own special ways, help to make the world a better place, two (people) at a time.

Possible relationship-glitches (listed in random order) come from "happiness blockers" like:

1.  Over-attention to "me" not "we"

2.  Secrecy and manipulation

3.  Jealousy and envy

4.  Broken promises and elusiveness/evasiveness

5.  Lies and deception

6.  Game-playing and mixed messages

7.  Quickness to anger and judgment

8.  "Me" first

Even if someone else treats you badly, or you feel jaded or pessimistic, these are not good enough excuses for acting out/treating others unfairly.  Life is short and precious, and most of us are looking for the same basics—to love and be loved.  How we get there (if we are at all able to), might not be quite as simple or definable, unfortunately.

Possible relationship-glitch-fixers (listed in random order) include "happiness unblockers" like:

1.  Greater attention to an "us"

2.  Openness and consultation/frequent friendly "check-ins"

3.  (Personal) contentment and (genuine) goodwill to others

4.  Word-keeping and being upfront

5.  Honesty and directness

6.  Playing fair and being clear—keeping everyone’s well-being in mind

7.  Patience and flexibility

8.  "You" first

Earlier blog entries on related subjects include:

• Play Nice—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)

• Manipulation (August 9, 2008)

• No "Please," No "Thank-You," No "Happy" (May 30, 2008)

• Reciprocity (Feb 8, 2008)

• Confidence (Feb1, 2008)

• Give to Give (poem) (Sept 5, 2007)

• Too Good to Be True?  It Is! (August 7, 2007)

• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)

• Rejection Protection (February 25, 2007)

• Friends Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

• Comparison-Making, Envy, Jealousy (June 23, 06)

Last week, at Pearson in Toronto, airport news stands’ magazine covers heralded Jennifer Aniston’s and John Mayer’s upcoming (fall) nuptials.  That was Wednesday. The next day, Thursday, at O’Hare in Chicago, headlines indicated that their whirlwind relationship was over.  

Some may feel sorry for Aniston.  Others are fed up hearing about her.  In actuality, Aniston’s bumpy romances—where she’s seems to have the mischance to hook up with men who have wandering eyes and/or short-enthusiasm spans—aren’t unusual (no matter how beautiful or famous she is).  

Think of the enormous numbers of "regular people" who experience similar predicaments, over and again.  Between Internet serial dating/perusing, those who constantly look for better (when they have the best right next to them), commitment phobia, and more, there are umpteen reasons why relationships with great potential don’t seem to stick.  And, as time goes by, opportunities for lasting and genuine connection go down.  Coupled friends, who don’t always realize how lucky they are, move on with more stable routines (normal "developmental milestones"/family lives) leaving "straggler singles" out of the loop.  "Straggler singles," might have put equal energy into trying to couple. However, not everyone is gifted with what they want or deserve, no matter how worthy or ready they are for it.

One of the things I love most about poetry is how it manifests timelessness, especially where certain universal messages and themes are concerned.  Writing this blog entry led me back my book, Poetic Wisdom. Revealing and Healing (published 10 years ago, in 1998).  Two poems in it, about dating/relationships, seem to have relevance here.  Please check them out: 

Dating Behaviour
 
There’s dating behaviour
And regular behaviour

There’s dating behaviour
And, there’s regular behaviour

A New Relationship