Whatever you do that involves others requires a shift from "me" to "we" thinking.  Simple in theory, harder in practice.

Keeping everyone happy—and challenges to that—are usually based on three fundamentals, in most instances. Here is a brief  "how to" overview of fundamentals that seem to matter:

Consider:
1. How and why you’ve come together. Are goals similar?
2. What the rules might be—what’s  right and wrong, ethically, morally, circumstantially.
3. Where clarifications are necessary (if rules are bent), so misunderstandings don’t happen, and one party isn’t misled.

Be:
1. Fair and honest
2. Open and respectful
3. Flexible and considerate

…as best you can.  Most people know when they are taking advantage of someone else, and the person being taken advantage of knows too!  Don’t keep (the idea of) a relationship going at any cost in the hope that it’ll get better—because you’re the one who’ll be paying afterwards.

Upsets come from:
1. Being out of synch/selfishness—one person putting their own needs first (saying and doing differently or vice versa).
2. Expectations of both parties not being expressed or agreed upon (in advance or as they shift).  Avoidance isn’t a solution, just a way to upset someone else.  
3. Distractions being allowed to take over (one person changing their priorities, but not telling the other, and not putting in equal effort).

Long distance relationships have higher stakes and extra obstacles:
1. Trust, openness and communication matter even more.
2. Out of site should not be out of mind. (Excuses are easy!)
3. Practical, financial, and emotional realities are all stretched, tested, and differ.

Bottom lines:
1. It’s not all about you!  Never was!
2. Everyone has limited time and energy. Please don’t waste another’s!
3. Consequences happen.  We might not realize at the time how we affect someone else, but a lot of damage can come about from what might be considered "trivial."  As much as you might not be hurting, someone else could be in agony…

Cliché but apt: "Put the shoe on the other foot!"  We all have hopes and dreams, and it takes courage to make oneself vulnerable—even though life is short, and there are only so many opportunities for happiness.  If you know that you are jeopardizing someone else’s well-being by not being upfront and playing things out because it suits you, think again…

Alas!  If things are "too good to be true," they too often can be…  No matter how one conducts oneself in other circumstnaces (or is seen to be to the oustide world), it’s daily enounters, and opporunities for genuine intimacy that reveal who they really are and can be (or not).
 
The most powerful, wealthy, or good-looking among us have the greatest responsibilities and weaknesses, since they may have more possibilites to get away with things. Because of who they are or what they have (regardless of where it comes from) and their bigger-picture "do good" deeds, they can raise the loudest alarm bells!  Entitlement may be an outcome, but not a justification…  

Though news of the the "John Edwards Sex Scandal" is only just breaking, and details and coverage aren’t all clear, this is just another example of what we see not always being what we get.  Or, what we imagine could be possible (and wonder why not) actually being so.  Role models are hard to find, and "everyday people" imitate and get away with much more (than before) just because they can.  Sad, but true, this is something that’s become almost unremarkable socially.

Those who may be seen to have "less going for them" are invariably more reliable—and better at "playing nice!" On-line daters, take heed when making selections!  What impresses and allures on screen, might not in real life!

These days, individuals can end up more isolated and self-involved than ever, with the shift from a "me-focus" to a "we-focus" proving difficult. Attention of any type, even if it’s harmful, tends to allure. This is when judgment gets clouded and mistakes are made. Age-old problems, like manipulation, take on fresh force.  No matter how technologically savvy we are—how many "friends" we have on Facebook—basic human-to-human "communication glitches" abound. These need to be dealt with in real-world time, and have real-world consequences. 

Manipulation comes from those whom we least suspect and expect  It creeps up and masquerades as kindness and generosity. Then, suddenly, there’s a wakeup call—a financial, emotional, or physical price to pay to the person who claims to be offering assistance/friendship "out of the goodness of their heart." Alas! The one who’d encouraged us to count on them really had their own agenda all along.  But, ultimately, even this manipulator loses too. The relationship needs to be severed and things can never be the same again. Trust and respect is gone, as well as a whole lot more. Time to move on, as this poetic reflection explains…

Dear Manipulator

You were so nice, so kind
I was so blind

Disengaging was hard to do
But it enabled me to grow

When self-esteem is down and we don’t have adequate support networks, we are all the more vulnerable and susceptible to those who survive/thrive on manipulative behavior.  Manipulatolrs usually seek attention to help assuage their own wounds, longings, and lackings.  Exagerated gestures and finding ways to become indispensable may be a ploy to help the manipulator appear valuable to others, as well as important in the wider world.  But, tension mounts when the manipulated feels trapped or deceived.  Self-protection (hopefully) kicks in.  Breaking free takes courages.  It also leads to loss. But loss leads to learning.  Know better for next time!

Earlier blog entries that discuss related topics include:

Reciprocity, Feb 8, 2008

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006

With my constantly changing routines and busy travel schedule, I usually find it hard to commit to extra-curricula classes.  Also, I am not a "gym person".  But, this past week, a neighborhood offering met my needs and interests admirably.  Roots’ flagship store in Rosedale has free one-class passes for their yoga studio.  Stimulated by the first class, I decided to take advantage of a "summer special"—unlimited classes for a week for $20. Though classes are reduced in number for the season, there were enough to meet my needs, and four out of five were enjoyable—especially the pilates. The studio is low-key, no mirrors or fancy accessories, and appears to have a regular clientele (all female).  Positioned at the back of the building (away from Yonge Street) the view of tree-tops through the window is well-planned and soothing.  And, eventually, you stop noticing the rattles of the subway line down below.  Definitely a positive experience!

Have you heard of WAYN (Where Are You Now?)? An interesting concept! I hadn’t until I got repeated e-mails from them a few months ago. Apparently, an acquaintance had added me as a "friend" and I needed to confirm that we do, indeeed, know each other. The first notification said I had three messages waiting for me. Then, a matter of hours later, I got another notification stating that I needed to "confirm friendship" and that I had 11 messages waiting for me. (I didn’t respond.) And, just as WAYN stopped e-mailing, another unknown (to me) Canadian/Ontario social networking site began, Two Ones.  Another "acquaintance," apparently, wanted me join him there. Only two notifications this time. (Again, I didn’t respond.) How many on-line social/networking groups can one join, and be active with on an on-going basis—especially if invitees who already know each other (and are seldom in contact) off-line?  More to the point, how much time is it possible to spend on-line?  What’s happened to old-fashioned ways of going out and making "real live friends"—spending actual time with people you’ve known for a while , or would like to meet in person.  As many others have done, for professional reasons, and due to "friends’" urging, I joined Facebook, Myspace, and Linked In.  However, I have only been moderately active with one of them—Facebook.  This is the site that where the majority of people I know (or one might believe I know) seem to be active, for one reason or another… 

An evening stroll along one of Newport’s beaches, last Friday night, led us to a sandcastle.  From the front, it was a work of art.

Then there were the clams; their shells, at least.  Gulls were fat, happy, and plentiful!

Long solo drives (like Chicago-Toronto) require easy snacking and easy listening.  When there’s no one sitting next to you to pass treats, change a CD, or take over the driving, it’s important to know how to be self-reliant.  Experience has taught me to eat right and light.  Pringles’ small Grab and Go containers (2.8oz/80g) are about as easy a solution as possible for a quick tasty bite that doesn’t make the steering wheel sticky.  They’re also easy to get out of the pack—wedge between the legs and don’t crumb. The Sour Cream and Onion have just enough seasoning, without leaving a strong after-taste.  For entertainment, the Ipod works great—that is if you’ve programed a play-list.  No CDs to change or screen to look at. Just plug in and go!

Earlier this week, I was excited to be part of a quartet that attended Dirty Dancing, at the Royal Alex Theatre in Toronto.  We took advantage of a mid-week special (four tickets for the price of three), making a spontaneous same-day purchase.  Sometimes, the best night’s entertainment happens when you don’t have long-term plans for it, but break routine.

Not only were the sets and costumes superb, but the cast was consistent and well-chosen.  This wasn’t the kind of show that had you wondering when the interval was going to happen. And beyond the actual performance, we were also struck by deeper story-lines, like that of a nuclear family with two adult-children.  

Siblings often have distinct personalities (and outcomes), and the daughters, Frances and Lisa, were excellent examples of this.  Sometimes, one child can be seen to do no wrong, and the other child, no right.  One has "higher goals" and she is misunderstood. The other ’s behavior is less commendable, but she’s more likely to get away with it (though not grow from her mistakes).  Also, parents often seem to forget their own pasts when making suppositions and demonstrating differential treatment.  Not knowing (or attempting to learn) all the facts, and making judgments for the wrong reasons can be problematic, unless non-family members have a chance to intervene.

Though much of the music was familiar, and there was a strong urge to want to go home and get dancing lessons, this staging of Dirty Dancing, it was clear, offered more than the immediately obvious.  Seeing the movie years ago, I’d been more focused on visual and auditory effects.  This time around (perhaps helped by the stellar performances of the leads) it was refreshing to be able to consider deeper messages and meanings. Lively afer-show discussion ensued!

Yet another accolade for Liverpool this month!  The Tate’s Klimt exhibit is a hit.  Last Monday, as an artist walking through, I became tearful in some places, identifying in different ways with practice, process, product, and response.  It was only on entering the gift store that I was disappointed.  A poster of the spectacular painting, "The Three Ages of Life," in my mind, had desecrated the original work.  It was up there for sale with only two stages of life—mother and child.  The old lady (old age) had been removed. 

As I start to make reproductions of my own artwork, I am extremely sensitive to what the artist might have thought about this crop.  A third of his vision had been removed without his consent or knowledge, and the greater meaning behind the piece damaged completely. Speaking to the manager of the gift store, I got an explanation.  It was all about commerce—financial returns.  She stressed how everyone cuts up Klimt, showing me images in a book of how fashion designers had made prints from excerpts of his work. This "nothing unusual" piece of merchandise (the two-thirds print) would sell better (allegedly have more mass market appeal) and bring income to the Tate.  It sounded like the message she was trying to give was that because the money would be coming back to the Tate (was not for "commercial benefit") that it was acceptable. As our conversation continued, the manager went on to tell me that postcards displaying the whole piece had already sold out, and there would be more later, once other images sold to make space again.

The postcard image that had sold out has been inserted at the start of this blog entry.  The two thirds image from the poster was also available at the store on a mini greeting card, and is inserted below.

 
The day after my visit to the Klimt exhibit (last Monday), the friends I’d been with there called to let me know that others were upset by the Klimt crop. The Guardian had just published a letter by a Maureen Everhsed which they’d headed "Age old problem."

I have been touched, today, by all the remarkable tributes to Tim Russert, NBC Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press.  Most Sunday mornings, his voice has been "background entertainment" while I’ve done household chores.  He was a fixture whom it was hard to imagine wouldn’t grace television news and debate well into old age. 

Tim’s sudden heart attack yesterday was yet another reminder to all of us that life is precious and we can’t have complete control, especially over its endings.  When someone as unique and admired as Tim is gone from our world in moments, without warning or preparation, we are stunned and ache.  From President Bush to regular viewers, everyone seems to have a reflection to offer, a deep fondness for this role model and outstandingly successful professional who remained a very down-to-earth family man and personal friend to so many.  My sincere condolences to all those dear to him.  He will be sorely missed.

At times like this, it’s hard not to think of more private individuals too, and their endings—those who haven’t enjoyed public success or recognition in their lives, those without family and friends who’ve supported and encouraged them. When their time comes, will it be recognized how their lives were meaningful or how much they could be missed?   How might things have played out differently for them, given a chance, voice, or simple luck?

It’s clear that we all leave our mark on the world in different ways, others’ impressions shaped by how we’re remembered or forgotten.  The following poem is dedicated to those who pass in greater silence and anonymity.  Maybe there was more to say about them, but there was no one to say it? Maybe their lives could have been happier and more fulfilled, but there was no one to spur them on? What might they have said if they could have written their own eulogies?  Perhaps this is one possibility?

AFTERWARDS

It was all up to me.

"That’s nice!", "Well done!"  "Good for you!" "Great job!" "Keep up the good work!" Kudos is always appreciated, with a little encouragement going a long way.  However, it’s not always forthcoming—especially at times when needed most, and from those we’d like to have issue it.  And then there’s that magical two-word phrase, frequently forgotten, "Thank you!"  

Whether you’ve cooked for dinner guests, made matches between acquaintances, or looked after a friend’s cat, it’s always nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.  But, the more you give out, too often, the less this happens.  Feeling overlooked and taken for granted, continually, can take its toll—make us behave in ways we might not instinctively.  Enter the era of the "cautious" and "jaded."  Sadly, the notion of "once bitten, twice shy", can ring louder than ever.  

Self-absorption, becoming a predominant character trait in western society, today, it’s not surprising that "Please" is missing from many people’s requests.  And, without a "Please," it’s unlikely there’ll be a "Thank you."  Positive change happens one person at a time—personal displays of good manners and respect helping more than might be realized.  Seeing how giving the gift of a "Please," Thank you," or "Well done" can boost someone else’s spirits, can be a great first step in feeling better about yourself too!

In 2007, I seemed to take a number of plane flights back to back.  Flying Toronto - Munich, in November, I put pen to paper, and wrote this poem.  It’s always interesting to have a little notebook in bag when traveling, all kinds of interesting reflections to record…

 

In North America, 24/7 schedules make it hard for us to keep up with ourselves.  Every day of the week is the same and work hours seem to have no beginning or end.  We have to be "on" all the time—with a Blackberry or cell, even while walking the dog or at the grocery store.  We think we’re saving ourselves time—trying to create more space for leisure—but are we really?  There’s always something else to do and another qualification to have.  It’s not just knowing how to do what we do, it’s knowing how to present and sell it.  And for that, you probably need writing or computer skills (that might have nothing to do with the job in hand) as well as a factory connection in China. Slowing down and switching off aren’t usually an option if you want to get ahead.  No time for bed!  Then there’s the relationship you don’t have, which frees up more time for work and disables you further from having any personal life at all.  Then there’s the diet you can’t stick with because convenience food is convenient.  Also, if you’re in the middle of a home renovation, you probably won’t have your kitchen fixed, properly, for at least another year.  Whatever can go wrong offers new challenges—takes time beyond the 24/7 that you don’t have in the first place. There once was a movie about working 9 - 5.  Can you believe it?!

April 1, 2008, I switched on the The View half-way through a "Hot Topic" discussion.  It appeared to acknowledge dismay among 45s to 50s who haven’t accomplished what they’ve hoped to.  Factors that don’t make them feel any better were described as including lack of community and so many people being alone (especially women).  

Being so intensely engaged in my "Animal Magic" painting project (just switching on the television for "background"), I was aware I’d postponed posting blog entries that have been in the works for a while. This episode of The View prompted me to want to add to the discussion.  Relationship (or lack of relationship) disappointments, misperceptions, and day-to-day struggles are common to us all, which is why I believe it’s good share them. 

This blog entry’s "warm topic" draws attention to why some singles might ellicit more sympathy than others, and how perceptions might help shape realities…

Definitions:
1. The "Single Because" is single again.
2. The "Just Single" has always been single.
3. The "(Im)Perfectly Single" doesn’t like to be defined…

Some candid and common assumptions about each type:

The "Single Because" can prompt perceptions that include:
1.  Did succeed at one time
2.  Has been proven worthy
3.  Has had something to offer (and can again)
4.  Has suffered a "loss" that should be remedied (replaced)
5.  Needs help because of a changed situation
6.  Will benefit from being in relationship

The "Just Single" can prompt perceptions that include:
1.  Hasn’t tried hard enough
2.  Isn’t worthy of more
3.  Doesn’t offer enough
4.  Has no "special needs"
5.  Is not a priority
6.  Could be "difficult" in a relationship

The "Single Because" is widowed, divorced, or separated.  Both the "Just Single" and the "Single Because" might be single parents. The "(Im)Perfectly Single" might have "options," but still keeps on looking for that "impossibly-perfect other"—even if less than perfect, personally.  Perhaps that’s why the description, "Player," is easily substituted.  A "Player" is often charming, generous, good-looking, and smart.  But there’s usually a flip side:  self-absorbed, inconsiderate, insensitive, and cowardly, too.  Instead of focusing on, and trying to stick to one (really liked) other, this person can’t commit:  either "fades away" or ends things abruptly, a million excuses as to why things cannot work.

Those who seem to ellicit most sympathy, socially, are widowed or single parents.  The genuine distress their situations frequently cause can’t be denied.  But, some do know how to take advantage of circumstances—get extra help and attention that might not have come their way otherwise…

No matter one’s single status, a recent book, by Pari Livermore might be enouraging to those seriously searching, especially if female.  Called How to Marry a Fabulous Man, its Today Show feature told a little about Ms Livermore and her one-of-a-kind philanthropic dating service and philosophy, as well as her "31 ways to meet, catch, and keep Mr. Right." 

In North America, we’ve just started to hear about "pink cabs." The Pink Ladies cab company was started in Warrington (Northern England), in 2005, and has been so successful it’s now looking for franchisees. Pink cabs are driven by women for women, saftey and comfort being paramount.  In the days when all British cabs were black, "Pink Ladies" might have stood out.  Now they are part of an already colorful streetscape.

 

I hadn’t been in London for quite a while till Fall 07. (I still haven’t managed to finish writing about that trip on this blog, with so many other life/travel interruptions.)  When there, I couldn’t help but think how much brighter a place this city has become because of its colorful cabbies. Traditional "stiff upper lip" black vehicles are transformed into mobile advertising machines.  When I noticed the first colourful cab, I thought it was a one-off vehicle.  Then, each way I turned, I saw another and yet another.  Time to pull out the camera and start snapping.  Cab after cab, I collaged their images into a poster (inserted above) on returning home.  Funny what strikes us on our travel adventures.  I’d never have thought that cabs would capture my attention like this.  I suspect their ads are working! You certainly can’t help but notice them.

Other ads, I was aware, were displayed by humans.  I chanced on a bunch of placard supporters close to Covent Garden station.  I didn’t envy their job, sitting there holding arrow signs to local businesses. Fortunately, it was a balmy September morning.  I don’t know how widespread or seasonal this form of (in)human(e) advertising might be…

Please take a moment to be in touch with a friend who doesn’t have a Valentine, and let that person know how much they mean to you/you care about them.  A simple phone call or e-mail may be just enough!  If you’re happy—and fortunate to have attention from a "special other"—try to be extra sensitive to whose circumstances are different.  Though Valentine’s Day (February 14), gives many a cause to celebrate (and for commercialism), more folks than seems fair feel uncomfortable as it looms. This poem tells a little more:

VALENTINE’S DAY

Loved?
I’m not sure about that

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Add to Valentine’s Day, Ontario’s first annual Family Day, four days later, February 18, 2008.  Apart from proving an inconvenience for some in the business world, this second "relationship-rejoicing" day may add to singles feeling more out-of-place (a significant percentage of the local population).  According to February’s Village Post, its very name is "puritanical," and just begs for satire!

 

Reciprocity can be tricky sometimes. There are those who give in order to receive, those who give in order to mutually benefit, and those who like to take but not give back.  Those who give to give, no strings attached, are exceptional.

In real life, we see this with dinners, gifts, phone calls, and so much else.  Certain individuals always seem to offer a whole lot more for a whole lot less.

In cyberspace, gaining "reciprocal links"—like having "friends" on Facebook—has become a supposed indicator of success, popularity, and networking ability.  In recent weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in offers to exchange links, so as to raise Google rankings. But, what might "virtual-reciprocity" imply to the non tech-savvy? Because we exchange a link and list another web address on our site, does it mean that we endorse it too? If we decline a request to exchange a link, what is the message that we’re giving back?  That we don’t like or approve of it?  Will someone list us without us having to list them?

Because, for now, I don’t have distinct link lists, I try to include as many links as possible in blog entries and website text.  Requesters who’ve taken time to review my sites usually understand—and see a place where they might be inserted.

A Florence Biennale artist who has just requested a reciprocal link exchange is Ann Haessel. A fiber artist from Alberta, Canada, you might like to check out her site.  Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to see her work at the Biennale.

Other entries on this blog also offer perspectives on RECIPROCITY.  These include: 

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007 

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006 

The "January blues" are legendary. Then comes February, and moods sink lower. Is there anything that can be done to help? Some are too familiar with the pain (not just in January or February, but year round) and don’t need to have it explained (like in the poem below). Others are able to escape it— supports, special advantages, or attitude making things easier.  Living in warmer friendlier climates (or taking a sun break) can also be helpful.  But this isn’t always possible.  In cities such as Toronto, known more for aloofness and coldness than ambiance and joie de vivre, extra efforts need to be made.  It’s important to be aware of those around us, and check-in on them—include, invite, encourage, or reciprocate.  At least, try and offer a smile or "hello," even to someone you don’t know.

FEBRUARY FUNK

Looking good on the outside
Doesn’t dull the pain within

Do you know that pain?

Under the nose
In the throat
Around the eyes

An upset that you feel
Even if others don’t see

Do you know that pain?

Maybe you don’t
Likely you won’t

Do you know the sadness of
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair?

Seeing that others, clearly, don’t care

A "Please"
"Thank you"
"Sorry"
"Well done"
Might pick up someone else’s day

Few brave enough to show the way

Don’t ask "Why?"
Ask, "Why not?"

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is driven by others
Not just ourselves

We know, ourselves, what we do, feel, think
What’s right, wrong, uncomfortable, or easy

Others affirm, deny, encourage, avoid
Enable and disable

Contribute to who we are and can be

It’s who surrounds us
And who doesn’t

It’s what they say
And what they don’t

How they respond
Or not

No matter our strengths and weaknesses
Failures and successes
Feedback and allegiance matter
 
Others indicate the worthwhile, and the not so
Include and exclude
 
What we’re left with is up to us.

Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off."  Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships.  January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.

This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1.  Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2.  Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3.  Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4.  Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?

How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered.  Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?

Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo.  Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.

Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague.  She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…"  "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?"  Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.

New relationships used to get off to more comfortable starts because respect, consideration, and life-cycle stages seemed to matter.  Each person involved (or wanting to be) had incentive to keep things going—sought greater interdependence and collaboration (believed in a better quality of life as a "two").  Today, distractions and alternative options are more alluring than working on what’s infront of you—and got good possiblities.  Eyes wander more than ever before—if not in actuality, virtually.  

Cyber—cheating prevents many new connections from growing as they might have, easy "escapism" too available. High potential matches are stumped before they are started.  Serious daters (looking for a monogomous long-term relationship) dance with serial daters (those ever-seeking perfect and better). Once serial daters get what they think they want, it looses appeal and the chase becomes more exicting than the catch. On to the next!  Some endings are abrupt.  Others "fade away," one (cowardly) person knowing what they’re doing, the "worthier other" being left disappointed or surprised.

There used to be a commonly followed "three-date" practice (not to judge too quickly). Today, even second chances are hard to come by.  If someone isn’t perfect—better quality than the person ruling them out, from the very first encounter or because of an "off-moment"—there’s no hope for continuity or tolerance.  Why waste time with someone who might be human—have as many flaws as you do?  A quick fix, rather than hard work (as necessary for most everything else) prompts expectations…and disappointments.

Bravo to "Bravo" for alerting us to Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker team!  Thanks for displaying that guys one would think "apppropriate" aren’t necessarily ready—still fantasizing over unrealistic catches, or need "fine-tuning."  A show that is "out-of-the-box" in its showcasing of a service that attempts to coddle those who pay to seek what even money can’t buy. That aside, Patti’s Dating Commandments are worth checking out (millionaire or not).

Heath Ledger’s unfortunate death has generated much discussion about its nature—whether it was accidental or not. From the LA Times to Time (and beyond), it’s become a major news story!  Close family and friends of the deceased insisted right away on "accidental causes." Noone likes to think about, admit to, or acknowledge the "S"(uicide) possiblity, at anytime.

Media have provided a lot of extra/invasive hype, with many presumptive questions.  Naturally, suggestions of foul play abound, with analyses of the actor’s distresses.  Whatever the truth might actually be, we’ll never really know. Sadly, the one person who could have told us isn’t around anymore.  Apparently, he was found alone, face-down and naked on his bed, by service providers (his housekeeper and his masseuse).  Close family were thousands of miles away, and the face that Ledger gave to the world in his many outstanding film performances was, obviously, not the face he wore privately (of late).

Ledger was famous. That’s why we get to hear, see, and read about him, and his final days and hours.  But, there are many other individuals, just like this movie star, dying every day—and in our own midst. Their burnout, despair, frustration, and loneliness cannot be remedied effectively.  Accidents and non-accidents happen, closer to home and all the time…

No matter the nice things said and done after a "loved one" is gone, nothing can make up for what was not said and done when he or she was alive (manifesting that all wasn’t right). The "take-home message" is to be more mindful of those around us continually—and sensitive to our interactions with them.  We truly never know how we might affect someone else, and what the consequences might be.  What’s not a big deal for you, might be for someone else. Everything adds up.  And, sometimes, just one more disappointing encoounter may be that one more too many…

This following simple poem, "Depression Alert," is an important one to remember. I included it (below) in tribute to Ledger. His untimely death provides an opportunity to share sentiments that might not have gained exposure otherwise.  Think of those with whom your life intersects. Perhaps they need a little more attention, consideration, and follow-up than you’ve been able to give them till now.  We may all be "busy," but…

DEPRESSION ALERT!

The places you don’t go
Clothes you don’t wear
People you don’t see

Another funeral.

Just a "housekeeping" notice.  DocSusan’s blog will remain with Blogsome for now. The DocSusan Blogger blog has just been removed.  Each provider has its benefits, but since this blog is already quite established on Blogsome, with many links to it here, it’s best that it stays put.  Apologies for any inconvenience or confusion caused by the attempt to change address.

On my recent trip to Britain, I heard this in vogue expression, "gobsmacked," used over and again.  The "gob," as I remember it is the mouth.  And, a hit to the mouth can be startling.  Listening to a Today Show interview with Matt Lauer, yesterday, I admit I was learning about something I had no idea was happening to such an exent.  Lauer was chatting with Toby Byrum, who’d had a vasectomy at 28, and remained adamant that he’d done the right thing for himself.  He had absolutely no interest in having children of his own (though child-friendly), or an "escape hatch" (with banked sperm). This appears to be a growing trend among young men—at least from what the Today Show team were revealing.  Natalie Morales, afterwards, discussed viewer e-mail responses, showing surprise that many women endorsed Byrum’s decision.

Give to give
Not to receive

Knowing about giving
And growing through giving
Makes life worth living
For all of us…

There are many perspectives on "giving," and this poem offers but a few.  As with most everything, it’s important to take responsibility and make the extra effort to do the right thing, individually as well as together.  By coincidence, Former President, Bill Clinton, was interviewed on the Today Show, today, about his new book, GIVING:  How Each of Us Can Change the World.

Peek in my studio to see beginnings, middles, and endings.  This poem, however, is about more than my artwork—even if it might have caused the thoughts behind the words…

 
Beginnings are good
There’s hope, adventure, anticipation—all that interesting stuff

Some spend longer in each phase
Some are luckier in one phase than another
Some learn from experience
Some never will.

A friend lured me from my studio yesterday evening with a ticket for Kooza.  What a gift!  

Both the winter and summer holidays seem to have passed me by (almost) while I remain(ed) in hibernation to complete the Biennale exhibit collection.

To sit in the "grand chapiteau" was a thrill and delight—gave me a chance to marvel at real performance artistry—so much talent, skill development, surprise, and wonder.  Memories of childhood and attending Billy Smart’s Circus in Liverpool!

From the three child gymnasts to the trapeze artists, to the unicycle couple, to the high wire quartet, to spinning wheelers, to the juggler, to the balancer, to the seesaw and stilt men, I was gasping and gulping.  Then, in between there was the stuffed dog—and I won’t tell you what he did…or about the fun audience participation opportunities with the clowns.

My Biennale creations feel small compared to what the Cirque’s performers accomplish night after night.  Humbled and energized, I’m ready to get back to my studio and approach the finale of the Biennale project with revived gusto.

Almost perfect was more than perfect for me—a real treat and reminder.  The (thankfully stopped) fall on the last stilt stunt drew attention to the fragility of everyone and thing and the life-saving importance of seamless teamwork and camaraderie.

Let’s be realistic—and honest.  Standards are set very high these days by what we think is true, but actually isn’t.  Magazine touch-ups are an obvious way to recognize how what’s raw and real gets distorted and embellished. 

Lindsay Lohan is an over-played but obvious example. First, let’s take a look at her Elle (September 2007) cover photo, which is only the latest in a series of magazine cover photos.  Then, let’s take a look at her July 24 (07) police mug shot.  Show business would have her appear one way. The law clearly shows her another way…  

How has Lohan gone from that to this or this to that?  Is it fair to blame someone/thing else? Is it even fair to blame her, or her family, friends, and entourage? Is it our business, anyway? Not really—except if she’s a danger to others, which is highly likely with an arrest for drunk driving and cocaine possession.  But, then again, DUI, is no big deal these days—or so it seems for young celebrities.

Paris Hilton, after her promises to stop partying after her DUI jail time, was soon back to her frivolities. Then there’s her off-on "best friend," Nicole Richie, also up for DUI jail time.  Apparently, a boyfriend and pregnancy are the "two major influences" that will break the "bad ‘pattern’" in her life.  Imminent motherhood, she believes, will make her more responsible.  But, shouldn’t she be more responsible first, in order to merit being a mother?  A tad confusing! Or, maybe, not.  We’ve all heard about Britney Spears, and seen how she defends her motherhood foibles.

Sadly, in a society where decent role models don’t seem to get the news coverage they deserve and appropriate consequences are sorely lacking, anything seems to go and be acceptable.  No press is bad press, especially when it can generate $$$$$.

Some people are seen to have it all, and squander what they have.  Others have very little, but are genuine—turn out better human beings, no limelight necessary.

Why would we want to emulate images/icons that are contrived and fleeting—represent actualities that only exist on a glossy page, offering glimpses of what might never be possible or sustainable?

The "too good to be true" is around us everywhere.  Sometimes, we ignore it.  Other times, we’re ready to be taken in by it.  It all depends on how vulnerable (and/or gullible) we are. Self-esteem, need, greed, and fear can cloud judgment, as does peer pressure and bullying.  So, finding ways to keep things in perspective—not relying on perception being reality—is important. Be aware:

1.  Promises are only as good as those who make them.
2.  What happens quickly can unhappen more quickly.
3.  Even it’s free now, you’ll be paying for it later (and probably a lot more).
4.  The easier it is, the less value and longevity it might have.
5.  Telling the truth might get you into trouble.  Not telling it can get others into trouble.  And, when others are in trouble, you may no longer call the shots—they will.
6.  Just because you’re sure of yourself, it doesn’t mean others are sure of you.  And, when you’re sure of others, you might not be sure of yourself.

We all want to think the best, dream of a better tomorrow, and have hope for the future.  It’s a natural survival instinct!  However, what’s more important is to know where, how, and when to draw the line—not be taken in by ourselves, as well as others.  Regardless, we never know how long we have, or how forces beyond our control might change everything in an instant.  Take, for instance, the bridge collapse in Minnesota—a sad reminder and wake-up call, like most unexpected tragedies, to stop dwelling on the superficial (and those who are impressed by it).

When I write, it’s often to deal with challenging subjects.  Sorting them out on the page gives them voice and meaning.  My writing makes me (and others) think—dares to express what we don’t always want to hear or know and acknowledge. It’s raw and real, and gets to the heart of matters that can be far from funny. This doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing.  Honestly, it takes courage!

When we put ourselves out there and share, positive happenings can follow.  Also, the opportunity to share is valuable in itself.  Usually, what’s important to one person, is to another. And, those who had no previous knowledge of what’s been revealed may have some "aha moments."

A Today Show concert series interview with Tom Higgenson (July 24, 07)  of Plain White T’s fame, focused on the group’s breakthrough number one hit of the summer, "Hey There Delilah" (from the album "Every Second Counts").  Higgenson explained that his song-writing changed after a car accident.  He’s come to realize, "The more personal that you get in what you write about, the more people have probably gone through those same things, so they can relate to it more…"
 
When I paint, it’s often to escape from and provide relief for the challenging times focused on in my writing—whether I realize it at the time, or not.  I have a natural inclination to create something that’s pleasing to the eye and change the mood (mine and others’)—picture things more optimistically.  Whimsy, bright colors, and pleasing subject matter drive me to new places, making others smile along the way.

Listening to "Hey There Delilah," I realize how words put to music can take the heaviness out of what’s being said, while still getting intended messages across.  I’m less able to do this because of the way I divide my words and visuals.  The words that I write are presented separately from the paintings that I paint (for now), offering two distinct impressions—and moods.  Though I, myself, realize I’m not just sad or happy at any one time, readers and audiences taking in one or other modality, by itself, might not recognize this. 

Life is a constant balancing act for most of us, something that makes finding and developing a variety of outlets for creative self-expression (that work separately or together) a natural instinct and survival mechanism.

The "best things in life" are said to be "free,"
but sometimes there’s reason to wonder,
especially if single and looking…

RELUCTANT = Not wanting to be in a particular situation but not really having a choice, so having to get on with it, however possible…

Singles Who Are "Reluctant" Are Easily Identifiable:

1. They don’t want to be single at all, short or long-term—know singlehood to be a lonely/inadequate state, no matter the positive spin put on it for others’ benefit.
2. They are concerned about being different to all their coupled friends—left out, as well as left behind.
3.  They regret and are preoccupied with missing "developmental stages"—marriage and children.
4.  They recognize that some are more equal than others—a wedding band is still seen as a "ring of success" by most.
5. They are tired of singles’ gimmicks/an exploitative "singles market"—merchandise and media that don’t respect who singles are and can be as people, just profit from and/or make fun of their vulnerabilities.
6. They’re familiar with getting excluded by couples (and family members)—those who used to be single (and singles-friendly) when they were trying to move on from that status, themselves.

"Reluctant Singles" Realize:

1. Complaining doesn’t help—just makes them appear bitter/whiney—seen to be deserving to be single.
2. Non-singles might not care about their single friends’ single status as much as others who are single.  Being in a relationship can often make it harder to empathize—there are other more pressing problems (which is, usually, true).
3. Society doesn’t properly accommodate its singles majority—it’s still a "couples’ world," for the most part.
4. Singles need to make a lot of fuss in order to be heard when their (true) messages and issues aren’t upbeat—funny, inspirational, or entertaining.
5. What’s hard to acknowledge (about singles’ struggles) is more readily ignored.
6. Only "reluctant singles" really know what’s challenging about their circumstances—what needs to change to help those looking, or how singlehood might be made more agreeable.  However, their ideas aren’t always good for business.  ("Singles’ businesses" are, for the most part, profit- not people-oriented, or charities.)

When The Price is Wrong:

For singles not sure about which singles’ businesses to trust—who’s not simply looking to make a quick buck from them—it’s important to be aware of these common occurences:

1.  Event/trip planners who don’t let clients know exactly who might be attending (ratio of men to women, ages, intellects/interests)?  They’ll have a participant along, even if they know the mix isn’t suitable.  An unsuspecting client starts out by trying to enjoy the activity, but that can’t suffice.  The activity was only a mechanism, not the purpose for attendance or outlay.
2.  Matchmakers who offer unsuitable matches repeatedly, or who misrepresent personal profile information (like age, interests, empoyment, appearance, etc.).  Then, clients are told they’re too picky for declining them.  Those who don’t have the inventory and take clients’ money, anyway, "in the hope that…" can have even the smartest fooled.
3.  Websites and singles’ groups where clients have to sign on for a specific number of dates or events, paying a lump sum up front.  Then, after one, two, or three not-as-advertised experiences, it’s clear things aren’t going to change for the better and nothing can be done about the loss.  Plus, the organizers, who were super reassuring in the beginning, aren’t nearly as nice later on…
4.  For dating sites, especially, are there small-print roll over possibilities, that if you don’t cancel, formally, for next month you’ll be paying out indefinitely?  Then, signing off doesn’t mean signing out.  Previous members may still be bombarded with mailings and their canceled profiles for ever visible.
5.  "Special helpers" and "teachers’ pets" seem to be given first dibs on the "hottest" suitors.  When a singles’ group has a volunteer workforce, rules may be meant to be broken. 
6.  Singles’ operators who are "single operators" can build their business around their own search.  This means, they too often, can put their own, rather than their clients’, needs first.
7.  Groups/websites that don’t have a "manners protocol"—that those written to should respond, even to say "no"—don’t always display the customer-friendly behaviors themselves.
8.  Groups that favor numbers over quality may be more concerned with their own profit margin, than pleasing the customer.  Helping someone to meet their "basherte" is a blend of skill, patience, luck and expertise—requires humanity and humility.  Often, the more flash and anonymous the website, the more cause to be suspicious. 

When the Price is Fair:

Recommendations/A few "singles’ connectors" that stand out from the rest:

Please help add to this list of "Recommended Singles’ Connectors."  Of course, there may be more that are not recommended.  If you have a tale to tell, others who are "newer to the ‘game’" will appreciate being alerted.  A list can also be made of those to avoid… 

"Reluctant Singles’" Allies (Friends, Acquaintances, and Community/Faith-Based Groups) Might:

1. Risk creating opportunities for singles to share their feelings, unedited—in ways that don’t have to be funny or fantastical (just true).
2. Help change the rules (written and not)—make provisions for greater singles’ inclusion, privately as well as in public.  For instance, "two for the price of one" hasn’t been the best deal in town for a long time.
3. Try to bring about "matches" for singles in their lives, wherever appropriate and practical—put in the extra effort even when they’re not asked to do so.
4. Take initiatives to include and/or match-make—especially if/since they’ve been there too and should still understand.
5. See the whole picture—be aware of social change and how successful relationships aren’t always a given, healthful alternatives/good friends and supporters being all the more necessary.
6. Not do what others do—do what needs to be done.  Be welcoming, helpful, resourceful, and creative, even if few can be seen to be setting that example.

Reminder:  Singles’/Dating Businesses are Businesses—and News-Makers:

Generally, no matter how altruistically "singles’ operators" present themselves or their services, they’re chief goal is, usually, to make money.  As much of it as possible—quickly.  If, along the way, singles hook up, or find happiness in their single status, it’s a bonus/good pr!

Some singles’ businesses are known to be more of a rip off than others—what you pay out can’t  guarantee what you’ll get back.  Sometimes, when you pay more you get less.  Though many think the more the better—the greater their chance of meeting the perfect upscale "Mr. or Miss Right."

A "Singles’ Business," Dinnerworks, was featured in the Toronto Star’s 2007 Build a Business Challenge.  Susan Kates, Dinnerworks’ owner, wrote about her business issue in January: "Dinnerworks is in a very hot and very sexy market, the singles market…It’s a billion dollar industry. Dinnerworks should be exploding like wildfire. But it’s not."

Kates realized, as the Star noted, that Dinnerworks was "more complicated to run than she’d thought—and a lot more labour intensive."  She’d bought Dinnerworks in 2004 from its original owner, when its focus was "four men," "four women," and "dinner." According to a quick Google search, that’s similar to what the Toronto Dinner Club’s website advertises now. (Confusing!) Kates is trying to develop other foci. "Good Taste, Good Times, Good Company" and "Eat, Drink, and Meet Mary" are Dinnerworks’ new bylines, and dinners for six to twelve just one of three types of offerings. She’d also welcome US franchises.

Former Lavalife employee, Mitchell Solway also believes that "niche-development" is the way to go, noting that "25% of North American singles are parents, and 40% of online daters are single parents."  However, Solway’s charges do try to be consumer-sensitive.  His new site, SingleParentLoveLife.com’s "low subscription fee" is "to weed out people who just want to look."  Advertisers are targeted to "bring in the lion’s share of revenue."

How many things do you say you’re going to do for yourself, but don’t do?  How many things do you say you’re going to do for other people, but don’t do?  When you disappoint yourself, no one else has to know.  When you disappoint others, the consequences can be wider. 

What was the intention behind offering what you did?
1. To impress?
2. To connect?
3. To meet a challenge?
4. To get someone off your back—temporarily, at least? 

Had you not offered to do something for someone else, what might have been different in their response to you?  Would they have:
1. Thought less of you?
2. Ceased to engage with you?
3. Made you feel powerless?
4. Spoken badly of you to others?

Had you admitted you couldn’t follow through, could things have been worse?  Probably not:
1.  Honesty is still, always, the best policy.
2.  Respect is earned from being up front (acknowledging and explaining limitations), not generating false hopes—"spoofing" your way through.
3.  Showing you have the will but not the way (this one time) doesn’t preclude future opportunities.
4.  Pride that comes before a fall might have helped create it.

Intentions matter—what’s behind our words.  Are they empty, or are they supposed to lead to actions/help change outcomes/really assist others? 

When someone who’s supposed to be helping you behaves "out of character"—doesn’t return phone calls or e-mails, and is (indefinitely) unavailable—you know there’s a problem.  They’ve offered more than they can do.  Under pressure, and in fear of failure, a "sayer" becomes a "player," and trust is gone.

There’s "sayers" and "doers."  "Doers" don’t often say very much.  They’re too busy doing.  Also, you’re less likely to know their names.  "People in the news," or in positions of authority are seen to promise a lot, increasing their own exposure/power.  But, that’s all, sometimes…

It’s always interesting to note the key-word searches that can bring hits to your blog/website.  Here are a few recent ones (in random order) that have come into DocSusan via Ask.com, MSN, and Google.

• food looks fun
• coping with a relationship with a non-communicator
• when do you know that dating has become exclusive
• how do I know which stage of a relationship
• Sheltie dog
• solo holidays for the mature professional traveler
• sleeping and alcohol
• picture of ontario no right turn sign
• dog trailers
• jealousy
• funny Sheltie pictures
• looks different in every photography syndrome

Incidentally, one of the most read entries on this blog is SWS (Single Woman Syndrome).  There’ll be a lot more to come about this subject in future entries.  The Solo category is due to grow—just as soon as I finish my Biennale paintings and other related tasks…

It’s as I announced in my Blog Overview: "Life is unpredictable, like this blog. Apologies in advance! Some days and weeks, there’ll be several entries. Then, at other times, none. I’m one person wearing many hats, with schedules and routines that change frequently."

I also appreciate helpful suggestions/recommendations from blog/website readers.  Recently, someone wrote to me about Robert Genn and his painter’s keys community, advising I might like to subscribe to a bi-weekly newsletter.  

After a quick perusal, I think the information and link are definitely worth passing along.  Take a look!  Any other tips like this are always welcome. 

As you can see, this blog has become a real potpourri, including sometimes hard-to-talk about topics as well as ones requiring more explanation.  It’s impossible to be an authority on everything.  Therefore,  those who provide links to more knowlegable sources, with specific foci, offer valuable feedback.

Thank you for sharing!

Do you have something you’d like to tell someone, but find it difficult to do so?

Sometimes, saying it in verse, and/or with a doodle, can soften things up a little, and enable you to share what you need to.  You might like to give it a try!  But, remember, less can be more…

THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP

 
Some think it, but don’t say it
Others say it, but don’t think it
 
Some care too much about what others think
Others don’t care at all
 
We can only be who we are
Trying to be who we’re not confuses a lot
 
Life is tough—some put on a brave face
Life is tough—others show they’ve had enough
 
Be yourself, and let yourself be
Risk saying and doing what you need to (within reason)
 
For everything there is a season
A time to reveal, a time to conceal
 
Those unable to respond may lack the courage required
Putting others down for their efforts is not to be admired.

"Friends" is a term that’s very loosely used today.  On My Space and Face Book, and other social networking sites, you can make oodles of "friends" in moments.  But, who are any of these people to you, really?  Do we look better if we’re seen to have a lot of friends?  And, how many genuine friends can one have?  

"Acquaintance" might be a better description for many of those with whom we have relationships.  They’re people we might know because of a common interest or need at a particular point in time, but nothing more.  They’re not indispensable, and we can live without them/find others to take their place as quickly as they appeared in our lives.

Some who say they’re our "friends" really are not.  Others, who don’t say anything, but act in ways that demonstrate loyalty/the capacity for a proper relationship may better merit the description.

Think about those in your life who claim to be "friends," and determine the list to which they might belong.

"A—List" Friends are truer friends. "B—List" friends are, usually, more clearly "contacts for convenience"—their convenience.  Once you know where, how, and why they rate, it’s your choice whether to keep them in your life, or not.  If they’re on the "B-List" and not causing you problems, just coast.  If they’re on the "B-List" and are a source of regular pain/disappointment, address matters directly, or move on indirectly… 

"A—List " Friends

1.  Call to see how you are.
2.  Share their life’s pleasures, as well as pains.
3.  Don’t just talk about how great you are or how they’ll help you out.  They actually do so.
4.  Don’t keep you on hold—waiting or wondering—give you reasons/answers and let you know where you stand (honestly).
5.  Include you at all types of gatherings—not just the ones where you’ll be good "filler."
6.  Make plans with you in advance because you’re a priority/special, and they want to spend "quality time" with you/are proud to know you.

"B—List" Friends

1.  Call you for favors any time that’s good for them, no hesitation.  But, there’s no two-way street….
2.  Tell you what’s wrong with their lives, not what’s right.  Have you feel sorry for them, no matter what…
3.  Talk  to you in superlatives about how much they like you, what they’re going to do for you, what you mean to them.  Then, nothing…
4.  Keep you waiting for answers.  Sometimes they have time to "fit you in," other times they’re simply too busy…
5.  Let slip that they arrange and/or attend gatherings—ones they (sometimes) tell you about after the fact.  You didn’t make any "list"…
6.  Start calling or trying to make plans when they have nothing better to do, have a spare last-minute ticket, or their partner’s out of town…

It’s a lonely life without friends.  But, keeping too many straggling  "B—List" friends can make you feel worse rather than better:

1.  Lowers self-esteem.
2.  Leaves you empty inside.
3.  Challenges faith, hope, and trust.

Surely you are worthy of more…  Truer friends know that!

p.s.  You may like to check out an earlier DocSusan blog entry, Friends Help Friends. 

The last four years, I was in Boston for July 4th.  This year, I’m missing being there!  The United States may be a very big country.  But, on holidays such as Independence Day and Thanksgiving, it can feel more like a small town, most people being encouraged to be involved in some way.  Because of this, I experienced a much greater sense of community/patriotism/belonging/spirit, consistently, (even as an "alien") than I have ever done in Canada.   

For most Canadians, it seems that Canada Day/Thanksgiving are non-events, with individuals often left floating alone.  Many stores/restaurants remain open, and there’s a chance for time off.  But, sharing festivities (public or private) isn’t, generally, a huge priority, especially if you’re not part of a particular group—and the impression of aloofness some home-grown Canadians can give isn’t heartening.

Each year, in Boston, I was invited to a variety of gatherings, usually in people’s homes.  Some, I knew well.  Others, I didn’t know at all.  Hosts encouraged their friends to bring friends. All were concerned that everyone, strangers in particular, be involved.  Inclusion and wanting to be included seemed important. And, even if I’d stayed home, I could see fireworks in every direction, from my own apartment.  Most neighbors, it appeared, were doing something to celebrate/acknowledge the day—and each other!

In Canada, my impression, overall, since coming back, is that there just doesn’t appear to be the traditional group energy/pride or warmth/openness that there is in the US.  This is a shame, especially for newcomers and visitors.  Sometimes, you can’t put your finger on what’s missing. But, my stay in the US has given me an alternative perspective—shown where/how/why other (friendlier) ways are possible…

Vacations open our eyes. Acutally living somewhere else, day-to-day, for a longer period, helps us see/understand more clearly, causgin our comfort levels and tolerances, as well as expectations, to change.

Start the work week by saying, doing, and thinking nice things and you’ll feel much better.  Sure, bad things (and people) happen, but if you fester over them unnecessarily you’ll stay stuck in a mode that’s counterproductive.  If you smile, others are more likely to smile back.  If you frown, you will get a different response—possibly making things worse…

re. Surroundings:  Keep them as upbeat as possible and your mood will be similar.

re. Health and Nutrition:  Stay informed and make wise choices—you’re important too!

re. Relationships:  Favor harmony over confrontation and reconciliation over isolation.

re. Activities:  Proceed like everything is going to work out, and your journeys will be easier, whatever their destinations/results.

Don’t put yourself, or others, down and welcome and encourage compliments!  By setting yourself, and others, up for feeling better/successful we’ll all be in more agreable mind-sets to cope with disappointments should they occur.  Bouncing back repeatedly is hard, but that’s what most of us have to do.  Some people just make things look easier…

I might have tried to paraglide, but you don’t have to—and you don’t know why I really did it, or whether I actually enjoyed the experience… 

In competitive environments, many of us feel like we lag behind—are not where others are, or where we want to or should be.  Also, role models who have their priorities in the right places, are harder to find and emulate.  Then there’s milestones that are missed by some and bigger pieces of the pie taken by others.

Life might have felt unfair before, but social pressures to conform, do better than, or defy the odds make a lot of hard-working individuals very unhappy. Circumstances get blown out of proportion when all the facts aren’t known, and what’s on the surface might not reflect what’s really going on—be true or have merit.   

Comparison-making/envy usually hurts

1.  Helps us feel inadequate.
2.  Has us focus on other people rather than ourselves.
3.  Creates jealousies that leave us stuck and/or hopeless.

Self-Help

1. Don’t let yourself feel inadequate. Mix with those who understand your situation, or who have similar circumstances.
2. Don’t focus on others. Really acknowledge who you are and what you, yourself, want and can do.
3. Don’t  have jealousy take over. Think about what’s actually bothering you, and work on remedying that.

So as not to envy others…

1. Their possessions—Consider how and why they might have them, as well as other aspects of their life.  Are they better people for what they have, and do they share or care?  Are they happy, healthy, honest, and kind? Do they ever include or help those who don’t have as much as them?
2. Their professional/educational accomplishments—Consider how and what might have got them there, as well as other aspects of their life.  Are they better people for what they can do, and do they share and care?  Are they happy, healthy, honest, and kind? Do they every include or help those who are not as accomplished as them?
3. Their relationships—Consider how their relationships might have come about, and whether they’re good ones.  Are they better people because of their social status, or do they take it for granted?  Do they ever include or help those who are by themselves?

Keep things in perspective…

Everything is relative, and perhaps, there’s a bigger plan—one that we haven’t been able to map out. We can’t always be in control of what we have or do and who’s in our lives, even if we’d like to be.  So, beating ourselves up for particulars we seem unable to change or equal might only make things harder.  If we know that we try our best in everything we do, we’re less likely to have regrets or feel guilty.  Staying true to ourselves—our hopes and dreams—despite the odds, is essential.  Then, if and/or when we get a lucky break, we’ll be ready, willing, and able to make the most of what could happen next.

Lev, Sage, and I visited Woofstock this past weekend. The St. Lawrence Market area of Toronto is a wonderful venue for street fairs and the warm sunny weather added to this event’s success.  Then there were all the dog-lover attendees and their very well-kept pets.  Not a bad-looking or neglected canine in sight. On the contrary!  

As for the vendors and their products, there were the more familiar and classic, and the newer and flourishing.  Some of the displays that we perused or patronized included:

• Animal Wellness (magazine)
• Buddy Belts (harness alternatives)
• Four-Legged Style (pet carriers)
• Modern Dog (magazine)
• Pet Plan (insurance)
• Puppy and Dog Basics (magazine)
• Sadie’s Choice (natural potions)
• Wellness (nutrition)

It was an expensive weekend:

• Lev and Sage each got new buddy-belts, pastel blue for Sage and deep pink for Lev—with the idea that strangers may be more likely to guess correctly who’s the girl and who’s the boy.  It’s terrific to see how much this one-woman company has grown in the last five years.  (They had a seconds/outlet store to sell off their a-little-less-than-perfect belts at half-price—$40, which we appreciated.  The belts sold in retail outlets are completely perfect, of course!)

• Sadie’s Choice natural products, something we were unfamiliar with, caught our eye, and we went for their $25 two-item special—choosing their Outdoor Repellant and Solar Shield.

• Modern Dog was selling $5 gift bags, which included a new doggy treat called Barking Mad.  Lev and Sage thoroughly enjoyed sampling this on the way home—so much so that Lev dived into my bag to grab seconds.

• Four-Legged Style’s portable kennel, at $40, was a little bit of an impulse purchase, but I know we’ll get good use out of it.

• Still thinking of Joey, our "rescue dog," Wellness had the solution—its weight management food.  We got him a pack ($13)!

Finally, just for fun, Lev and Sage participated in a photo-shoot contest for Puppy and Dog Basics (looking for a cover-dog, for an upcoming magazine).  Lev didn’t strike her best pose, but Sage stuck out his little pink tongue for the camera. The competition was hot!

At the end of Saturday afternoon, as day one of the festival was closing, there was a black-tie event happening on the other side of the street.  Canada’s Walk of Fame was right there, alongside, and their annual awards ceremony was taking place, filmed by CTV!

Tennis round robins tell us more about participants’ personalities than I’d imagined they could.  As you’ll gather from my May 22nd, 07 blog entry, I’m not a terribly serious tennis player, but I do enjoy the activity.  And, in order to get a somewhat regular game, I’ve been attending bi-weekly round-robin socials. Now, while I’ll put my all into what I’m doing at the time, I don’t always have to win. Others, however, do, and let strangers know it in the clearest of ways. 

For "social round robins," you’re randomly coupled and players aren’t always  the same level—which isn’t  supposed to matter. They’re billed as fun events at the end of a long week, not serious matches.  But, not everyone would agree.  Certain partners send grimaces and give huge sighs, while others praise even the most lousy strokes and misses, suggesting "nice tries" when they’re not. 

You certainly get a sense of who’s a "good sport"—who has a positive attitude and who might be difficult or moody (off the court as well as on).  Game after game, over the last few weeks, I’ve found this a very interesting getting-to-know-you experience, while improving my play—hopefully, in every aspect.

By the way, remember my retro tennis shoes.  Well, after a few spins on the court, they finally disintegrated.  So, an exhaustive search for comfort and value led me to a new pair of Nikes.  Not only do they work for narrow feet, but I like their plain white no-frills look. 

 
An "emerging artist" who paints professionally, full-time, can have a very isolating existence. This year, having decided to devote most of my time to prepare for the Biennale exhibit, I admit to being a little stressed.  When I’m not painting, I’m trying to raise sponsorship funds, and left and right brain don’t always work well together!

When time is limited and exhaustion and lack of self-confidence take over, I’m happy for a few remedies.  First, there’s caninekind.  Studio assistant Poodle Pals, Lev and Sage, witness every up and down, make me laugh, and insist on going for walks. Second, there’s the company of others who can relate and understand. Last Tuesday (May 29, 07), I attended a Portrait Society of Canada master workshop on the ala prima style of painting led by Juan Carlos Martinez at Toronto’s Arts and Letters Club studio. Veronica Tsyglan, the society’s president supervised.  Between Veronica’s exemplary organization and Juan’s unobtrusive mentorship, the experience was a revitalizing and relaxing treat—just the tonic I needed.

On a day when I thought I wouldn’t be able to paint (was "painted out"), and decided to experiment with less familiar materials, techniques, and angles, I was able to create a portrait sketch that pleased and surprised me.  It’s 12in x 9in, oil on wooden board with a black gessoed base (and posted at the start of this blog entry).  I call it "Waiting."  When you’re an artist, there’s a lot of waiting and uncertainty.  Each competition and grant you apply for has you on hold—wondering, hoping, and feeling a tad anxious, especially if you’ve had to pay an application fee and might never receive a response.

Even when painting others, there’s usually a self-portrait of sorts that shines through somehow—"art therapy" happens. Being among other artists and watching their paintings develop, as well as having reassuring and kind experts on hand, was a gift.  After the workshop, I came home and painted again—invigorated from the experience.  I was happy to feel part of a group of professionals that value the artistic vocation—as well as the skill, perseverance, and camaraderie it takes to keep going.

Please note:  These lists are in random order and not comprehensive. They’re simply a start in helping identify what might prompt and perpetuate abuse, as well as enable recovery from it…

How an abused person might feel or react:

1. Unable to tell friends/family/authorities what’s happening, because of feeling too awkward, ashamed, or foolish.

2. Uncertain what might happen next, because trust and predictability are gone.

3. Without words to explain what’s happening because it’s too unbelievable, or hard to describe.

4. Violated, physically or emotionally, or both.

5. "Out of character"—angry, upset, or violent, which isn’t typical.

6. Pushed to the limits and exhausted.

7. Out of ideas and resources.

8. Disorganized—like a tornado’s passed through.

9. Concerned about making too much/not enough of things.

10. Disappointed, sad, and let down—and worried about the future.

How an abuser might act:

1. Display behaviors that change from minute to minute without reason (show public displays of affection one minute and be a raging monster the next).

2. Not be able to be calmed down or stopped when in a tirade.

3. Act, the next day, like nothing’s happened—be oblivious to abusive tendencies.

4. Never be wrong—put it all on the other person as never getting it right.

5. Turn a perfectly enjoyable day into a nightmare for no real reason.

6. Find fault with everything the victim does or says, taking advantage of vulnerabilities.

7. Give gifts and/or be overly nice 24 hours after, just to get back into favor.

8. Be the source of great pleasure as well as pain—becoming indispensable.

9. Suggest that everyone else (any supports the victim might have) are wrong or should be stayed away from.

10. Think that they’re the best—or know better, most of the time (always giving lessons and offering "protection").

Abuse happens when an abused person has:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. A poor support network.

3. Other difficulties.

4. Become cut off or is isolated from friends and/or family.

5. Been abused before.

6. Has a personality that you wouldn’t think could be abused (is strong in other aspects of life).

Abusers are often:

1. Known by the victim already.

2. Relations on whom the victim depends emotionally and/or financially.

3. Individuals who are respected in the community and/or at work (and are in power positions)—appear charming, wise, and kind to others.

4. Used to abuse or familial dysfunction already, and have a history of family problems.

Abuse isn’t only physical, it’s emotional too:

1. Once the victim is beaten down emotionally, who knows what might happen next?

2. There are things that are permissible to say to someone else, and there are things that are not. Know what’s unacceptable is essential.

Abuse doesn’t usually come about, or go away, by itself.  Pro-activity is necessary:

1. Stay away from the abuser.

2. Inform others about what’s going on, and build a support network.

3. Tell "authorities" (the police, social agencies) and take (legal) action where necessary.

4. Get counseling and/or protection.

5. Move on by doing feel-good activities with feel-better others.

6. Take time out to heal and regroup—remember that you’re worth the best, as well as others’ support.

7. Accept that a situation might not be your fault.

8. Be strong and brave even if you don’t think you can.

9. Acknowledge the power of the abuser—nothing else might work very well until then.

10. Be less predictable—count on yourself, by changing some of the things you do and ways you do them (regain independence and creativity).

Understanding Your Sleep Needs

The power of sleep can’t be underestimated.  But, keep in mind, some of us need more of it than others.  Also, some of us function better at different times of the day.  There are "morning people" and "night owls," as well as schedules that aren’t always comfortable .

There’s nothing like being able to live in rhythm with—and respect—your sleep clock if you can.  

Recognizing if You’re a Morning Person or Night Owl

I am most definitely a morning person, and can get more done between 5 and 10 am than any other time of the day.  After 5 pm, it’s a lot more difficult.  The things that I struggle to complete at night, I might as well have not attempted.  When I take a fresh look at them in the morning, I realize I can complete them much more quickly and easily.  Sometimes I’m more able to do physical tasks at night, but not anything that requires thinking power.

Others might have an opposite experience, and I appreciate that.

Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

We all have different ways for getting a good night’s sleep, and some of them can be seen as "finicky" by those who say they can "sleep on a clothes line."

I put these strategies high on my list:

1.  A room that’s as dark and silent as possible

2.  Bedding that’s comfortable and cozy, that covers you properly, and isn’t too light or heavy

3.  A clock that’s visible and shows the time, for any awake moments that have you wondering the hour (without having to get out of bed) then being able to fall right back to sleep

4.  Not having eaten just before going to bed

5.  Being organized for the next day before going to bed

6.  No late-night in-bed phone calls that might send you to sleep while chatting or be upsetting

7.  Turning the television or radio off (or other interruptions), and not falling asleep to them

8.   Sufficient good food, exercise, and emotional support

9.  A sense of hope or gratitude about something—anything

10. Congenial bed company—like poodle pals, Lev and Sage—who know when to snuggle up and/or give space

Others might have different strategies.  Whatever works!

Re. Sleep Aids

While sleeping pills, sedatives, and alchol help many people temporarily, sometimes they can make things harder in the long-run.  Dependencies/addictions can start quite innocently.  Just like with diet pills and food restrictions, it’s important to try to find other ways to overcome difficulties, even if they might seem harder at first.

Others might believe differently.  They have the right to do so, so long as they’re not endangering anyone else.

Mother’s Day was last weekend.  Another hard holiday for many—those who don’t have a mother, or are at odds with her, and those who long to be a mother but haven’t been able to have that experience happen.  Just like on other holidays such as Valentine’s Day and New Year’s, more people than you might imagine feel left out or envious of those en route to gatherings or carrying flowers.  

Options that might provide distraction or relief on Mother’s Day, for those who aren’t part of the celebration, include:

1.  Catching up on work.
2.  Getting together with friends in similar situations.
3.  Enjoying something fun (like a sports activity, shopping trip, or massage).

Places that it might be better for non-celebrators to stay away from include:

1.  Family style restaurants and other solo-unfriendly gathering places.
2.  Family parties (if they’re uncomfortable).
3.  Stores that are full of memorabilia (gifts and cards) specific to the day.

It’s amazing how one "special day" can become a huge dread and ordeal for some, and bring about immense joy and happiness for others.  Also, it’s often hard for those who aren’t familiar with loss or longing to understand those who are.
 
Those who are lucky enough to be able to celebrate "special days" might like to:
 
1.  Not assume anything about, or judge, those who could be having a difficult time.
2.  Appreciate the privilege of being able to celebrate with others and not take this for granted.
3.  Be mindful of non-celebrators’ feelings, selecting sharings (about personal celebrations) carefully.

 
June, 2006, I went on safari—an opportunity of a lifetime. While the camera clicked, so did my mind. I’d not "wordscaped" (escaped with words/written poems) since my book, Poetic Wisdom:  Revealing and Healing (1998). But, patrolling the bush by jeep, the urge returned full force. I saw no other way to jot down experiences of the moment, treasures not to be forgotten. Though I took too long to type up these poetic souvenirs after the trip ended, the delay has had advantages. On review, this poetry puts me back in the moment—that moment—seeming to stand the test of time. Now, I’m curious to know others’ responses to it…

My first group of poems, written in  Bostswana, were posted in this blog’s February 6, 2007 entry. My second group of poems were created in Zambia and were posted in this blog’s April 22, 2007 entry.

This final group of poems were created at different stages of the trip. The first four consider the transition from safari/vacation to "regular life" and what’s going to be missed.  The last two show the importance of congenial travel companions—especially on safari—and what can happen when they’re distracting/ed.

1. Bush Perfumes

The magic of the trip eclipsed
Commercialism might have it nixed
A few carefully selected souvenirs, or greed
Whatever it is, the journey home has begun.

p.s.  For more recent African Poetry, please check out blog entries about DocSusan’s Kilimanjaro Cimb (9 poems) and Tanzania Safari (16 poems).  The two new series were started December 2, 2007.

Dr. Keith Ablow’s new book, Living The Truth. Transform Your Life Through Insight and Honesty, featured on the Today Show, May 3, 07, is very welcome.  Truth matters! Maybe this fresh title—and interest in the topic—will herald others to explore it from other angles.  

Many people think they tell the truth.  But, do they really?  Even little day-to-day misdemeanors can indicate bigger issues.  Those who diet and sneak in "hidden calories"  (like multiple tasting samples at the grocery store) are only cheating themselves.  Those who hope no one will suspect their insurance claim isn’t entirely accurate (like their car bumper was damaged before the accident) aren’t being very fair.  

Sure, there are lots of reasons to go after what’s not really yours, or mess others around.  But, at the end of the day, we all recognize what’s right and how "beating the system" doesn’t make you a better person.  Little untruths include:

1. Accepting the wrong change after paying your bill in a restaurant.

2. Saying you were somewhere when you weren’t.

3. Making an excuse for arriving late when your really don’t have one.

4. Using someone else’s ID or name to get a discount.

5. Sneaking a handful of grapes at the grocery store, while pretending to sample just one.

6. Sidestepping into a line-up because no one else was looking.

7. Scratching someone else’s car, then driving away.

8. Claiming you’re going to be somewhere when you have no intention to be.

9. Keeping someone waiting for an answer, and having them think you don’t have it yet.

10. Saying you weren’t able to find something, when you haven’t even looked.  

No one is perfect, and we all have occasional slip-ups.  It’s when slip-ups happen all the time, that we really need to worry.  Harmful patterns show.  

Are there others in your life that you don’t really trust, and why?  Is it something you can’t put your finger on—perhaps just a feeling you have.  Look at their words and actions and see where and when they match.

Watch out if the one you’d like to trust:

1.  frequently tells you one thing, but is clearly doing another

2.  is often unreliable (late, vague, or avoidant)

3.  makes you confused or anxious more often than you’d like

4.  has seemingly different personalities, depending on who he/she’s talking to

5.  is consistent at being inconsistent

6.  hurts you without good reason, when you know that he/she cares about you.

If you think someone’s hiding something, likely they are.  

Be bold, brave, and vigilant:

1.  Share your concerns with someone else (you can trust), if you can.

2.  Record and compute activities, actions, and statements, and notice where they don’t match or make sense.

3.  Double-check things for yourself.

4.  Confront the individual you’re suspicious of/uncomfortable with (if you feel safe enough to do so).

5.  Go to authorities (including police and protection services) if you don’t’ feel safe, and if you feel the law is being broken or you and/or others are at risk.

6.  Protect yourself financially, emotionally, and physically, and get support (however you can).

There are all kinds of truths, just as there are all kinds of offenders.  What’s important is to know your own limits—who you wish to keep in your life and under what circumstances.  When you feel good about those around you—safe with them and how they treat you—you feel better about yourself.

Sometimes, how we treat our dogs is how we treat ourselves.  When our dogs are near and dear to us, if we neglect (and abuse) them, others might notice there could be something terribly wrong with us.  

Dogs are neglected (abused) when they’re not:
 
1. Given sufficient exercise

2. Fed the the right food

3. Allowed adequate socialization with caninekind, as well as other humans

4. Kept safe (in unfenced outdoor spaces or away from traffic or toxins)

5. Up to date with medical check-ups (routine shots and tests)

Those who recognize they might be neglecting (abusing) their dogs, might like to do a quick self-review, and consider the following questions pertaining to their own health and well-being:

1. Am I taking good enough care of myself—maintaining healthy habits with respect to food, sleep, and exercise?

2. Do I have reciprocity ("give and take," as well as opportunities for sharing) in my life?  

3. Are others treating me well, or not, and can I repair what might be lacking/going wrong?

4. Do I feel safe, secure, and loved?  What can I do for myself, to compensate for what I can’t get from other sources (people or environments)?

5. Am I organized, conscientious, and motivated—trying hard enough?  What and/or who might be able to help me?

When we think of dog-neglecters (abusers) we don’t think of those living in nice little houses, or with secure jobs.  Unfortunately, no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors, and when and where a neglecter (abuser) might lurk.  Those who neglect their dogs could  be crying out for help, and not even know it.  

Keep your eyes and ears open!  Animal (and human) rescue can happen anytime anyplace if you’re altruistic enough to notice.  For support and assistance Humane Societies in Canada, the US, and beyond, are there to help—and always welcome volunteers.

My poodlepals, Lev and Sage, have a charmed life.  Therefore, I wasn’t sure what would happen when a less fortunate canine chum moved in with us unexpectedly.  He’d been the victim of a hit and run and had a few other health issues, so I agreed to take care of him for a month.  

Joey is a seven-year-old Sheltee who’d been living with an older handicapped lady, unable to take him for walks or to stop over-indulging him with human food.  He weighed in at 521bs on accident day (when he should be 301bs).  Only two weeks later, he was down to 43lbs.  And not only that, he’d had a nice bath, haircut, and teeth-cleaning.

Dogs know how to take care of themselves when they are sick—to rest and not eat if necessary.  Joey had chosen to do just that, in the safe space of my home.  And, surprisingly, Lev and Sage seemed to understand and give him the distance and calm that would help him.  Then, day by day as Joey has started to feel better, he was ready to take up Lev’s and Sage’s routines and habitudes.  Fortunately, these included giving in to dog food, and eating en groupe.  He also started enjoying walks, and keeping up with the pack.  I’m happy to observe how Lev and Sage let him walk in the middle of them, even when he struggled to keep pace.  Every day, Joey gets bette, faster, and more confident, which is a pleasure to witness.

Going from two dogs to three has been a new experience for me—a little daunting at first, but one I’ve adjusted to more easily than I thought I would.  Maybe it’s because Joey is such a good boy, and I’ve grown to care for and respect him so much—as Lev and Sage seem to as well.  Or, mabye it’s because of the feelings of love, security, and being in the "now" that caninekind knows how to  bestow.  I truly enjoy having an expanded pack around to accompany me through challenging days and nights.  Also, bringing smiles to the faces of strangers who see us all ambling down the street is a bonus!

p.s.  Many thanks to the exceptionally kind and talented team at East York Animal Clinic (whom we highly recommend).  Their support and encouragement have been invaluable.

June, 2006, I went on safari—an opportunity of a lifetime. While the camera clicked, so did my mind. I’d not "wordscaped" (escaped with words/written poems) since my book, Poetic Wisdom: Revealing and Healing (1998). But, patrolling the bush by jeep, the urge returned full force. I saw no other way to jot down experiences of the moment, treasures not to be forgotten. Though I took too long to type up these poetic souvenirs after the trip ended, the delay has had advantages.

On review, this poetry puts me back in the moment—that moment—which seems to stand the test of time. Now, I’m curious to know others’ responses to it.  My first group of poems, written in Bostswana, were posted in this blog’s February 6, 2007 entry. My second group of poems were created in Zambia and appear below, in this entry.

1. Victoria Falls

A perfect moment to savor
A life changing experience, and more.
 
2. Spunky Monkey

3. And Then There Were Seven

Seven zebras that is

Then, on the the last day at the last hour
It comes perchance
Off to the side, the beautiful one sits down
What a picture, what a memory
What a moment
To treasure. 

p.s.  For more recent African Poetry, please check out blog entries about DocSusan’s Kilimanjaro Cimb (9 poems) and Tanzania Safari (16 poems).  The two new series were started December 2, 2007. 

When we’re not clear we risk being more easily misunderstood—upsetting ourselves and other people (finances and well-being).  Don’t cause trouble when it’s not necessary to do so.

When you arm yourself with the right protection (attitude and and strategies) no one gets hurt —has to to attack or defend, unnecessarily.

1. Put things in writing.

2. Repeat, repeat, repeat—and get feedback and acknowledgment.

3. (Formal) confirmation and agreement should come with a signature or payment.

4. Follow protocols that are tried and proven (for contracts, events, and shared arrangements).

1. If it’s not mentioned, it might not exist in actuality—only in your head.

2. Just because you do things one way, it doesn’t mean others will follow suit naturally.

3. You can’t know for sure that another person understands/agrees unless he tells you he does.

4.  Some situations require discussion and compromise—need to be addressed upfront, not put on hold in the hope they’ll go away.

1. Look at what you and the other party could have done differently, separately and together.

2. Realize that if you didn’t protect yourself in advance, there’s little you can do later for reparation.

3. If deception by the other party was intentional (took advantage of your weaknesses), you know who to avoid in the future.

4. Protect yourself:  learn from your mistakes, and others’ manipulations.  Plan, do, and think differently for future happenings and encounters.

1. There are two sides to every story and many interpretations of what actually occurs.

2. There’s only one actual truth (and set of facts).  That truth might reveal that no party is entirely wrong or right in their reactions.  If guidelines are vague, outcomes might be too.

3. Consider all sides and angles and know and try to act in good faith.  If you do that, you can’t blame yourself—and no one else should blame you.

4.  Try your very best every time, even if you’ve been burned before.  Outcomes can’t always be taken personally.  Others mistakes are, sometimes, inevitable.

When we, ourselves, take responsibility—make the extra effort to be clear— fewer misunderstandings will occur with others. Energy doesn’t get wasted needlessly, with plain sailing offering fresh possibilities and hope.

We never know how we touch other people with a word, action, look, or silence.

On the surface, we believe we know who others are.  But, deep down, do we really? Only when a crisis happens, do we get a wake-up call.  "If only…" really doesn’t matter then.  Sadly, it’s too late.  Right now we’re all too well aware of the Virginia Tech massacre, and wonder who the killer was—what could have motivated this benign looking loner to commit such horrific carnage.  

It was just an ordinary day.  Then, out of the blue, lives were ended or changed for ever.  Even those of us who don’t know individuals who had the bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time feel grief, pain, and hopelessness—question whether or not authorities could have responded differently (saved more innocent lives).

It’s all too easy to look at events that don’t involve us directly and be amazed and scared by what we see and hear.  However, often, we overlook extremely harmful circumstances happening day after day in our own homes—with family, friends, and acquaintances.  There are many "time-bombs" waiting to go off—that are hard to talk about/do something about—till it’s too late.

For those who know individuals who are close to them that might be a danger to themselves and others, perhaps it’s time to speak up—be proactive not reactive.  

Usually people don’t speak up because they’re afraid of the consequences.  They:
1.  already feel bullied enough and have no more energy.
2.  worry about someone else getting hurt, instead of them (which could be worse).
3.  are in a financial bind, and risk losing all (perhaps because the abuser holds the purse strings).
4.  feel embarrassed, awkward and ashamed—don’t want to lose face.

Those who do speak up often suffer horrible consequences.  They’re:
1.  outlawed by the abuser as well as other family and/or friends (who might not want to acknowledge the problem).
2.  victimized further—made to suffer beyond all reason (to the point at which their own mental faculties start failing).
3.  all alone—have a poor support network, because their stories are too incredible to share, or the abuser has succeeded in isolating them from outsiders.
4.  deemed to be the one with the "issues" because they won’t accept the status quo—feel isolated/estranged in this struggle and many more.

It doesn’t matter who you are.  Everyone, regardless of education, class, or finances can fall prey to someone who is as destructive as (s)he is deranged.  We never realize how bad things are till we’re able to step out of a situation, or have others witness it.  Those who are dysfunctional and dangerous are very manipulative and clever at hiding what they’re capable of achieving—especially if they’re supposed to be "near and dear" to us.

Our gut tells us when something’s wrong, but whether or not we’re able to stop the inevitable is another matter.  In order to tackle a monster, it’s not possible to go the journey alone.  Allies are necessary—individuals who believe in the person they’re backing—that (s)he is reasonable and right.  At the end of the day, what they think of the potential perpetrator is secondary.  So long as one person is struggling alone against him/her, (s)he will not be properly identified, weakened, or put down.

It’s important to be more mindful of those around us—where and how they might be struggling and suffering—and heed warning signs.  At a time when family ties and close friendships seem to be less reliable, it should no longer be every (wo)man for her/himself.  Social responsibility and action need to come into play.  Also, in a society whose members come from many different backgrounds, no one can be sure with whom and what they’re actually dealing.  Right and wrong lack conventional bounds (as do reason and respect).

Most people who are not personally affected by situations don’t want to get involved because they:
1. don’t have time.
2.  see there’s nothing in it for them.
3.  accept it’s none of their business.
4.  admit they don’t really care.  

Others shouldn’t be expected to meddle in the personal business of those they do not know.  But, when they pick up on how something doesn’t sound or look right, perhaps they can try and lose the fear by:
1.  speaking to authorities or connected others.
2.  showing concern to those involved/seeking help—be there for them in whatever small way possible.
3.  not fading away, assuming the problem is someone else’s and will go away by itself.
4.  being a support or resource if at all reasonable.

There’s no particular message in this blog entry other than to affirm that there are a lot of angry, upset, vindictive, and toxic individuals ready to ignite anytime—and they’re all around us.  We worry about terrorism and war, accidents and natural disasters.  But, in actuality, we’re less likely to be destroyed by them, personally, than by a neighbor, brother, boss, co-worker, or stranger in the street.  Armed and dangerous (emotionally and/or physically), they can do us more harm than we’d like to imagine, or can endure.  

Some of us suffer in silence, already realizing this.  Others live in denial, not believing anything bad will ultimately happen—if we play their game/do everything required.  So long as nothing is done, said, pushed, or provoked, it’s possible to keep on treading water—or so many think. 

We’d like to dream on, but can we any longer?

Being able to reply, even when you don’t want to, shows courage, honesty, respect, and more… Also, it might be easier than you think—clear your conscience and lighten your load.

Unfortunately, these days, most people can be cowardly, lazy, or deceitful (take the easy way out), even if we don’t expect this of them. 

The problem:  Why be direct, kind, or considerate, when you don’t have to?   Manners and morals seem to matter less and less, publicly or privately—and nobody will really notice your faux pas (mistakes) except you and the person you’re upsetting or disappointing.  Then, time will pass without any major consequences (at least on the surface).

If your tendency is not to reply, question yourself, and see what’s really driving that behavior. You might:
1. not be interested
2. have other priorities
3. feel awkward and not know what to say or do
4. think not replying is the best way to send an obvious (no) message
5. still not be sure how to proceed
6. have concerns about what the other party might think, feel or say
7. not care because you won’t have to deal with the other party again
8. have no common friends or acquaintances to witness what happens
9. be at long-distance and not have to see the other person face to face
10. never have met the other person directly (maybe only on-line)

Then, think about changing your pattern. Maybe you only behave this way in certain aspects of your life—professionally not personally, or personally not professionally. Would you like to be a better and more consistent/appealing person all round?

If you are able to let a "no reply" be better than no reply you’ll help make the world a better place (one person at a time), and, along the way:
1. lose the fear
2. stop playing games
3. know you’ve done the "right thing"
4. not have old "stuff" hanging over you, while being seen to be reliable
5. have more chance of being trusted and counted on in the future
6. like yourself better and be more likely to have others like you
 

 

 

 

Pictures speak louder than words where shoddy workmanship is concerned.  When you complain about a job and are told that you’re "crazy," you know things are really wrong.  "Details" do matter, and defficiencies and damages to exisiting structures in your home can’t be covered up by poorly installed trims… 

 

 

 

Most contractors can catch you out (intentionally or not) wherever and whenever they possible, especially if you pay cash, and don’t have supportive paperwork.  Then, even if you do have paperwork and have paid by credit card, any dispute you might instigate could be viewed to be about quality not delivery or completion. In other words, you are unlikely to be refunded.

 

Expectations lead to disappointments, so don’t be surprised if:

1.  The job’s not completed according to schedule:  it could take two to three times longer.

2.  Additional unforeseen expenses arise:  you could end up having to pay two or three times the amount budgeted.

3.  Certain jobs need to be redone, along with repairs to (fresh) damages made by renovators, themselves.

4.  Replacement workers and materials end up being worse than the ones being replaced and corrected—regardless of reassurances to the contrary.

Trying to recuperate payments with the assistance of others can be as much fun as having to deal with incompetent/money nabbing workmen directly. Solutions (and officials), however sensible/appropriate they seem, might be less than ideal:

1.  Better Business Bureaus:  They collect complaints and black-list companies.  However, don’t count on them following up in ways that assist specific customers with specific problems directly.  Besides, businessmen/workmen you’re complaining about usually aren’t members anyway.

2.  Small Claims Court:  Even if you do win, and devote a lot of time and energy to doing so, who’s going to collect the money you’re awarded (and how difficult will that be)?

3.  Visa, Mastercard, American Express:  Paying by credit card is advantageous, but contesting unauthorized phone orders made by merchants isn’t always favorable to the customer. Customer service protocols and card security vary from card to card.

Exercise common sense.  Even if you’re on site/at home while work is being done, you can’t catch everything that might happen, and need to take precautions:

1.  Put possessions away that you don’t want to be broken or have disappear (from anywhere in your home—not just the area worked in).

2.  Lock doors and cupboards, wherever possible, to prevent snooping, wandering, and theft.

3.  Know that your toilet(s) and sink(s) will need a good clean later.  If you have more than one washroom, make sure only one is accessible.  Also, stay on top of garbage, and don’t let it pile up. (Reasonable contractors should be taking it away with them, as well as their cigarette ends and coffee and soda containers.)

4.  Damages will be of all types, and more than expected.  Check your paint work, floors, doors, appliances, and more.  No one will tell you they’ve broken anything, unless you ask.  And, even then, they might deny that possibility or explain things couldn’t have been done any other way.

SWA (Single Woman Alertness) matters! Even strong independent women with the means to do home improvements run into difficulties, and need to be prepared:

1.  Invite a guy friend or relative to be there when confronting workmen who’ve done an unsatisfactory job.

2.  Don’t get too personal/friendly with unfamiliar workmen, who can turn "niceness" against you when complaining about shoddy workmanship later.

3.  Don’t become a coffee shop/luncheonette for your workmen, or offer waitress service.  Good workmen will still do a good job without "extras." Bad workmen will just get you upset—make you feel they’ve taken advantage of you (which they probably have).

4.  Gain technical savvy wherever you can so as not to be blinded by whatever you’re told.  And, more important, stand up to "bullying."  The police can be called in if necessary.

(The last three points apply to everyone—not just single women—though single women do seem to have greater need to be aware of them.)

"Details" might be less important later—what really matters isn’t forgotten:
 
1.  "Word of mouth" is the best recommendation (or not).  Speak up and tell everyone you know about a job done badly, and have as many other renovation experts as possible know what’s happened(ing).

2.  "This too will pass!" Enjoy whatever you can whenever you can. (When your home is disrupted, nothing else might feel right, and it’s hard to keep things in perspective.)

3.  Circumstances aren’t always perfect and you might be less than happy with the final results.  But, nothing has to be forever.

4.  Once the chaos is over, it’s amazing how quickly you can forget about the ups and downs along the way.

The old adage, "Act in haste repent at leisure" doesn’t always work where renovations are concerned. Even when the customer has taken her time and made the right choices, unscrupulous/incompetent installers destroy quality materials.  Then, instead of accepting responsibility, they disappear. Or, they make your extended time with them so uncomfortable, you let things go—unfinished.

p.s.  Home remodelling (and its pitfalls) is obviously a hot topic, as the Today Show’s feature, "Got the Post-Remodelling Blues," (Friday March 9, 2007) demonstrates.  You can find this segment on their impressive new website (made in partnership with ivillage). Search the "features videos" on the home page (for as long as this topic is current) or send an e-mail to WT@NBC.com for further information.

Rejection is hard.  Not knowing why you’ve been rejected is harder, especially when explanations could be more educational than painful.  They would help make you more aware for next time, or learn that you weren’t a fit anyway—might have had a close escape.  

Those who send back insincere form letters, more often than not, don’t read applications properly (if at all).  Larger companies might not have time for the little guy seeking help.  But, it’s probably that little guy, gutsy enough to approach them, who’s helped their business get where it is—buying their products or engaging their services, year after year. Then, there are the dates who don’t want to see you again, or the clients that don’t call back. 

In most situations, there’s no way of knowing your competition.  But, is your competition better?  Perhaps they just have superior marketing techniques, friends in "high places," or luck and timing?  Unfortunately, there are many better ideas, products, and people out there than the ones that actually end up getting recognized!

No one gets all they want all of the time.  Some don’t get any of what they want any of the time.  If you keep comparison-making  or constantly feel entitled to rewards and recognition, you’re going to have a lot harder time living with rejection. 

• Pursue other avenues—stop going where (and to whom) you’re not welcome.  Identify your comfort zones/people, and test those first.

• Discuss, research, and network, and share what you’re thinking, feeling, or wishing.  Fresh ideas and helpful feedback will pop up along the way.

Babies are the best "Hollywood accessories" today.  Think about it:  Angelina and Brad, Jen and Ben, Britney, Julia, Madonna, and Sharon Stone, even Nancy Odel.  Everyone’s doing it (naturally or by adoption).  Then there’s all the revenue generated from photo ops and interviews.  

Babies, it seems, give the impression of strength and power—public relations possibilities galore.  With a baby in your arms, you have more chance of looking  like a good, loving, caring person than not.  There is, however, a more awkward and distressing side to baby-making, one that caused a squabble between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields: Post Partum Depression. Also, what about those who have no baby to talk about in any context? A "(non-)baby condition" I call, "No Partum Depression" (NPD), seldom gets enough airing.

NPD, which mightn’t differ from Post-Partum Depression with some of its symptoms, hasn’t made headline news—yet.  But, the number of sufferers is rising at an alarming rate.  NPD is an illness of the MISSed generation—another "Makinism" (describing those who haven’t/won’t make it to coupledom and motherhood).

If you haven’t met an NPD sufferer it might be difficult to understand her condition’s severity, implications, and scope.  With instances of NPD ready to rival those of Post-Partum Depression, it’s important to get the word out.  Left undetected and untreated, NPD can be life-threatening.

Most NPD women never imagined they’d suffer from a condition like this, but their numbers grow daily (as prescriptions for antidepressants might reveal).  They’re a pained, perturbed, unfulfilled, and little-acknowledged group who wear a smile as best they can, just get on with things.  At work, you might think they’re concentrating, and loving what they do.  Don’t believe all you see!   

Anya’s Story

Anya is a successful marketing executive with NPD who works to live. She’s unable to follow her heart’s desire, convinced that nothing will ever compensate for the fact she’s missing the developmental stages of marriage and motherhood.

NPD sufferers who don’t have the strength to fight their condition don’t easily accept what life has to offer, exclusive of marriage and children.  Sadness about not having a baby is not something that disappears as other people’s children mature.  On the contrary.  NPD is long-term.

Spinsters are increasingly prominent in recent movies.  Dame Judi Dench’s stellar performance as Barbara, in Notes on a Scandal, spotlights the loneliness, eccentricities, and desperation of many aging long-term solos.  Barbara is occupied during the day with her teaching job.  However, on evenings, weekends, and holidays, her alienation and contemplations get the better of her.  Unfortunately, a preoccupation with others’ lives, and desire to become part of them, causes her to wish to make herself indispensable, however possible (voyeuristic or otherwise).  This backfires on everyone.

Barabara’s is an extreme case—great movie material. But, sadly, there are many real life "Barbara-seem-alikes." Here’s a look at Trish’s story—a younger, more modern spinsters’s "night-walking" activities:

Though Trish may walk at night for her own reasons, there’s an unexpected benefit.  Glimpsing at others’ activities and connectedness, between their window frames or in their driveways, is encouraging.  In a funny kind of way, she’s witnessing that relationships can and do evolve.  Regardless, that doesn’t turn off her obsessional/invasive thinking: "Why not me?"

p.s.  February 13, approaching Valentine’s Day (February 14), Cosmopolitan’s Editor in Chief, Kate White, appeared on CBS’s Early show to talk about Couple Envy, and how to deal with it, as featured in her magazine’s latest issue.