Whatever you do that involves others requires a shift from "me" to "we" thinking.  Simple in theory, harder in practice.

Keeping everyone happy—and challenges to that—are usually based on three fundamentals, in most instances. Here is a brief  "how to" overview of fundamentals that seem to matter:

Consider:
1. How and why you’ve come together. Are goals similar?
2. What the rules might be—what’s  right and wrong, ethically, morally, circumstantially.
3. Where clarifications are necessary (if rules are bent), so misunderstandings don’t happen, and one party isn’t misled.

Be:
1. Fair and honest
2. Open and respectful
3. Flexible and considerate

…as best you can.  Most people know when they are taking advantage of someone else, and the person being taken advantage of knows too!  Don’t keep (the idea of) a relationship going at any cost in the hope that it’ll get better—because you’re the one who’ll be paying afterwards.

Upsets come from:
1. Being out of synch/selfishness—one person putting their own needs first (saying and doing differently or vice versa).
2. Expectations of both parties not being expressed or agreed upon (in advance or as they shift).  Avoidance isn’t a solution, just a way to upset someone else.  
3. Distractions being allowed to take over (one person changing their priorities, but not telling the other, and not putting in equal effort).

Long distance relationships have higher stakes and extra obstacles:
1. Trust, openness and communication matter even more.
2. Out of site should not be out of mind. (Excuses are easy!)
3. Practical, financial, and emotional realities are all stretched, tested, and differ.

Bottom lines:
1. It’s not all about you!  Never was!
2. Everyone has limited time and energy. Please don’t waste another’s!
3. Consequences happen.  We might not realize at the time how we affect someone else, but a lot of damage can come about from what might be considered "trivial."  As much as you might not be hurting, someone else could be in agony…

Cliché but apt: "Put the shoe on the other foot!"  We all have hopes and dreams, and it takes courage to make oneself vulnerable—even though life is short, and there are only so many opportunities for happiness.  If you know that you are jeopardizing someone else’s well-being by not being upfront and playing things out because it suits you, think again…

Alas!  If things are "too good to be true," they too often can be…  No matter how one conducts oneself in other circumstnaces (or is seen to be to the oustide world), it’s daily enounters, and opporunities for genuine intimacy that reveal who they really are and can be (or not).
 
The most powerful, wealthy, or good-looking among us have the greatest responsibilities and weaknesses, since they may have more possibilites to get away with things. Because of who they are or what they have (regardless of where it comes from) and their bigger-picture "do good" deeds, they can raise the loudest alarm bells!  Entitlement may be an outcome, but not a justification…  

Though news of the the "John Edwards Sex Scandal" is only just breaking, and details and coverage aren’t all clear, this is just another example of what we see not always being what we get.  Or, what we imagine could be possible (and wonder why not) actually being so.  Role models are hard to find, and "everyday people" imitate and get away with much more (than before) just because they can.  Sad, but true, this is something that’s become almost unremarkable socially.

Those who may be seen to have "less going for them" are invariably more reliable—and better at "playing nice!" On-line daters, take heed when making selections!  What impresses and allures on screen, might not in real life!

These days, individuals can end up more isolated and self-involved than ever, with the shift from a "me-focus" to a "we-focus" proving difficult. Attention of any type, even if it’s harmful, tends to allure. This is when judgment gets clouded and mistakes are made. Age-old problems, like manipulation, take on fresh force.  No matter how technologically savvy we are—how many "friends" we have on Facebook—basic human-to-human "communication glitches" abound. These need to be dealt with in real-world time, and have real-world consequences. 

Manipulation comes from those whom we least suspect and expect  It creeps up and masquerades as kindness and generosity. Then, suddenly, there’s a wakeup call—a financial, emotional, or physical price to pay to the person who claims to be offering assistance/friendship "out of the goodness of their heart." Alas! The one who’d encouraged us to count on them really had their own agenda all along.  But, ultimately, even this manipulator loses too. The relationship needs to be severed and things can never be the same again. Trust and respect is gone, as well as a whole lot more. Time to move on, as this poetic reflection explains…

Dear Manipulator

You were so nice, so kind
I was so blind

You wanted to be there for me
Talk to me
Look out for me
Help me

Solve each and every problem you thought I had
All those things others never noticed

I don’t know where you came from
But suddenly you were there.

You were everywhere

I couldn’t do without you
But, in reality, you couldn’t do without me

I gave you purpose and cause
You thrived on applause
Being wanted, needed, and knowing

The more I tried to disentangle,
The more you tried to strangle

Disengaging was hard to do
Caused me more angst than you know

Disengaging was hard to do
But it enabled me to grow

When self-esteem is down and we don’t have adequate support networks, we are all the more vulnerable and susceptible to those who survive/thrive on manipulative behavior.  Manipulatolrs usually seek attention to help assuage their own wounds, longings, and lackings.  Exagerated gestures and finding ways to become indispensable may be a ploy to help the manipulator appear valuable to others, as well as important in the wider world.  But, tension mounts when the manipulated feels trapped or deceived.  Self-protection (hopefully) kicks in.  Breaking free takes courages.  It also leads to loss. But loss leads to learning.  Know better for next time!

Earlier blog entries that discuss related topics include:

Reciprocity, Feb 8, 2008

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006

With my constantly changing routines and busy travel schedule, I usually find it hard to commit to extra-curricula classes.  Also, I am not a "gym person".  But, this past week, a neighborhood offering met my needs and interests admirably.  Roots’ flagship store in Rosedale has free one-class passes for their yoga studio.  Stimulated by the first class, I decided to take advantage of a "summer special"—unlimited classes for a week for $20. Though classes are reduced in number for the season, there were enough to meet my needs, and four out of five were enjoyable—especially the pilates. The studio is low-key, no mirrors or fancy accessories, and appears to have a regular clientele (all female).  Positioned at the back of the building (away from Yonge Street) the view of tree-tops through the window is well-planned and soothing.  And, eventually, you stop noticing the rattles of the subway line down below.  Definitely a positive experience!

Have you heard of WAYN (Where Are You Now?)? An interesting concept! I hadn’t until I got repeated e-mails from them a few months ago. Apparently, an acquaintance had added me as a "friend" and I needed to confirm that we do, indeeed, know each other. The first notification said I had three messages waiting for me. Then, a matter of hours later, I got another notification stating that I needed to "confirm friendship" and that I had 11 messages waiting for me. (I didn’t respond.) And, just as WAYN stopped e-mailing, another unknown (to me) Canadian/Ontario social networking site began, Two Ones.  Another "acquaintance," apparently, wanted me join him there. Only two notifications this time. (Again, I didn’t respond.) How many on-line social/networking groups can one join, and be active with on an on-going basis—especially if invitees who already know each other (and are seldom in contact) off-line?  More to the point, how much time is it possible to spend on-line?  What’s happened to old-fashioned ways of going out and making "real live friends"—spending actual time with people you’ve known for a while , or would like to meet in person.  As many others have done, for professional reasons, and due to "friends’" urging, I joined Facebook, Myspace, and Linked In.  However, I have only been moderately active with one of them—Facebook.  This is the site that where the majority of people I know (or one might believe I know) seem to be active, for one reason or another… 

An evening stroll along one of Newport’s beaches, last Friday night, led us to a sandcastle.  From the front, it was a work of art.

Around the back, there was a marriage proposal inscribed (to which the answer was "yes," of course)

The shore line and waves looked pink, as did seaweed deposits washed up there—part of the red tide phenomenon.  

Then there were the clams; their shells, at least.  Gulls were fat, happy, and plentiful!

 

Long solo drives (like Chicago-Toronto) require easy snacking and easy listening.  When there’s no one sitting next to you to pass treats, change a CD, or take over the driving, it’s important to know how to be self-reliant.  Experience has taught me to eat right and light.  Pringles’ small Grab and Go containers (2.8oz/80g) are about as easy a solution as possible for a quick tasty bite that doesn’t make the steering wheel sticky.  They’re also easy to get out of the pack—wedge between the legs and don’t crumb. The Sour Cream and Onion have just enough seasoning, without leaving a strong after-taste.  For entertainment, the Ipod works great—that is if you’ve programed a play-list.  No CDs to change or screen to look at. Just plug in and go!

Earlier this week, I was excited to be part of a quartet that attended Dirty Dancing, at the Royal Alex Theatre in Toronto.  We took advantage of a mid-week special (four tickets for the price of three), making a spontaneous same-day purchase.  Sometimes, the best night’s entertainment happens when you don’t have long-term plans for it, but break routine.

Not only were the sets and costumes superb, but the cast was consistent and well-chosen.  This wasn’t the kind of show that had you wondering when the interval was going to happen. And beyond the actual performance, we were also struck by deeper story-lines, like that of a nuclear family with two adult-children.  

Siblings often have distinct personalities (and outcomes), and the daughters, Frances and Lisa, were excellent examples of this.  Sometimes, one child can be seen to do no wrong, and the other child, no right.  One has "higher goals" and she is misunderstood. The other ’s behavior is less commendable, but she’s more likely to get away with it (though not grow from her mistakes).  Also, parents often seem to forget their own pasts when making suppositions and demonstrating differential treatment.  Not knowing (or attempting to learn) all the facts, and making judgments for the wrong reasons can be problematic, unless non-family members have a chance to intervene.

Though much of the music was familiar, and there was a strong urge to want to go home and get dancing lessons, this staging of Dirty Dancing, it was clear, offered more than the immediately obvious.  Seeing the movie years ago, I’d been more focused on visual and auditory effects.  This time around (perhaps helped by the stellar performances of the leads) it was refreshing to be able to consider deeper messages and meanings. Lively afer-show discussion ensued!

 

Yet another accolade for Liverpool this month!  The Tate’s Klimt exhibit is a hit.  Last Monday, as an artist walking through, I became tearful in some places, identifying in different ways with practice, process, product, and response.  It was only on entering the gift store that I was disappointed.  A poster of the spectacular painting, "The Three Ages of Life," in my mind, had desecrated the original work.  It was up there for sale with only two stages of life—mother and child.  The old lady (old age) had been removed. 

As I start to make reproductions of my own artwork, I am extremely sensitive to what the artist might have thought about this crop.  A third of his vision had been removed without his consent or knowledge, and the greater meaning behind the piece damaged completely. Speaking to the manager of the gift store, I got an explanation.  It was all about commerce—financial returns.  She stressed how everyone cuts up Klimt, showing me images in a book of how fashion designers had made prints from excerpts of his work. This "nothing unusual" piece of merchandise (the two-thirds print) would sell better (allegedly have more mass market appeal) and bring income to the Tate.  It sounded like the message she was trying to give was that because the money would be coming back to the Tate (was not for "commercial benefit") that it was acceptable. As our conversation continued, the manager went on to tell me that postcards displaying the whole piece had already sold out, and there would be more later, once other images sold to make space again.

The postcard image that had sold out has been inserted at the start of this blog entry.  The two thirds image from the poster was also available at the store on a mini greeting card, and is inserted below.

 
The day after my visit to the Klimt exhibit (last Monday), the friends I’d been with there called to let me know that others were upset by the Klimt crop. The Guardian had just published a letter by a Maureen Everhsed which they’d headed "Age old problem."

I have been touched, today, by all the remarkable tributes to Tim Russert, NBC Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press.  Most Sunday mornings, his voice has been "background entertainment" while I’ve done household chores.  He was a fixture whom it was hard to imagine wouldn’t grace television news and debate well into old age. 

Tim’s sudden heart attack yesterday was yet another reminder to all of us that life is precious and we can’t have complete control, especially over its endings.  When someone as unique and admired as Tim is gone from our world in moments, without warning or preparation, we are stunned and ache.  From President Bush to regular viewers, everyone seems to have a reflection to offer, a deep fondness for this role model and outstandingly successful professional who remained a very down-to-earth family man and personal friend to so many.  My sincere condolences to all those dear to him.  He will be sorely missed.

At times like this, it’s hard not to think of more private individuals too, and their endings—those who haven’t enjoyed public success or recognition in their lives, those without family and friends who’ve supported and encouraged them. When their time comes, will it be recognized how their lives were meaningful or how much they could be missed?   How might things have played out differently for them, given a chance, voice, or simple luck?

It’s clear that we all leave our mark on the world in different ways, others’ impressions shaped by how we’re remembered or forgotten.  The following poem is dedicated to those who pass in greater silence and anonymity.  Maybe there was more to say about them, but there was no one to say it? Maybe their lives could have been happier and more fulfilled, but there was no one to spur them on? What might they have said if they could have written their own eulogies?  Perhaps this is one possibility?

AFTERWARDS

I was on top of the world
Or so you thought

Had achieved milestones,
Or so you thought

You didn’t know me well
You didn’t want to

You didn’t take me seriously
Though I asked you to…many times

You thought that I had more bounce-back than I did
You thought that I was stronger than I was

You thought that the day would never come
The day when I would succumb

I never did give up
Until now

I never did know how
Until now

I never wanted to
Hung on in the hope that things could change

More active
Less reflective
No, that didn’t work

More reflective
Less active
That didn’t work either

Needed, yes I was
If it was all about you

Admired, yes I was
If I lost myself in what I did

It was all up to me.

"That’s nice!", "Well done!"  "Good for you!" "Great job!" "Keep up the good work!" Kudos is always appreciated, with a little encouragement going a long way.  However, it’s not always forthcoming—especially at times when needed most, and from those we’d like to have issue it.  And then there’s that magical two-word phrase, frequently forgotten, "Thank you!"  

Whether you’ve cooked for dinner guests, made matches between acquaintances, or looked after a friend’s cat, it’s always nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.  But, the more you give out, too often, the less this happens.  Feeling overlooked and taken for granted, continually, can take its toll—make us behave in ways we might not instinctively.  Enter the era of the "cautious" and "jaded."  Sadly, the notion of "once bitten, twice shy", can ring louder than ever.  

Self-absorption, becoming a predominant character trait in western society, today, it’s not surprising that "Please" is missing from many people’s requests.  And, without a "Please," it’s unlikely there’ll be a "Thank you."  Positive change happens one person at a time—personal displays of good manners and respect helping more than might be realized.  Seeing how giving the gift of a "Please," Thank you," or "Well done" can boost someone else’s spirits, can be a great first step in feeling better about yourself too!

In 2007, I seemed to take a number of plane flights back to back.  Flying Toronto - Munich, in November, I put pen to paper, and wrote this poem.  It’s always interesting to have a little notebook in bag when traveling, all kinds of interesting reflections to record…

In North America, 24/7 schedules make it hard for us to keep up with ourselves.  Every day of the week is the same and work hours seem to have no beginning or end.  We have to be "on" all the time—with a Blackberry or cell, even while walking the dog or at the grocery store.  We think we’re saving ourselves time—trying to create more space for leisure—but are we really?  There’s always something else to do and another qualification to have.  It’s not just knowing how to do what we do, it’s knowing how to present and sell it.  And for that, you probably need writing or computer skills (that might have nothing to do with the job in hand) as well as a factory connection in China. Slowing down and switching off aren’t usually an option if you want to get ahead.  No time for bed!  Then there’s the relationship you don’t have, which frees up more time for work and disables you further from having any personal life at all.  Then there’s the diet you can’t stick with because convenience food is convenient.  Also, if you’re in the middle of a home renovation, you probably won’t have your kitchen fixed, properly, for at least another year.  Whatever can go wrong offers new challenges—takes time beyond the 24/7 that you don’t have in the first place. There once was a movie about working 9 - 5.  Can you believe it?!

April 1, 2008, I switched on the The View half-way through a "Hot Topic" discussion.  It appeared to acknowledge dismay among 45s to 50s who haven’t accomplished what they’ve hoped to.  Factors that don’t make them feel any better were described as including lack of community and so many people being alone (especially women).  

Being so intensely engaged in my "Animal Magic" painting project (just switching on the television for "background"), I was aware I’d postponed posting blog entries that have been in the works for a while. This episode of The View prompted me to want to add to the discussion.  Relationship (or lack of relationship) disappointments, misperceptions, and day-to-day struggles are common to us all, which is why I believe it’s good share them. 

This blog entry’s "warm topic" draws attention to why some singles might ellicit more sympathy than others, and how perceptions might help shape realities…

Definitions:
1. The "Single Because" is single again.
2. The "Just Single" has always been single.
3. The "(Im)Perfectly Single" doesn’t like to be defined…

Some candid and common assumptions about each type:

The "Single Because" can prompt perceptions that include:
1.  Did succeed at one time
2.  Has been proven worthy
3.  Has had something to offer (and can again)
4.  Has suffered a "loss" that should be remedied (replaced)
5.  Needs help because of a changed situation
6.  Will benefit from being in relationship

The "Just Single" can prompt perceptions that include:
1.  Hasn’t tried hard enough
2.  Isn’t worthy of more
3.  Doesn’t offer enough
4.  Has no "special needs"
5.  Is not a priority
6.  Could be "difficult" in a relationship

The "Single Because" is widowed, divorced, or separated.  Both the "Just Single" and the "Single Because" might be single parents. The "(Im)Perfectly Single" might have "options," but still keeps on looking for that "impossibly-perfect other"—even if less than perfect, personally.  Perhaps that’s why the description, "Player," is easily substituted.  A "Player" is often charming, generous, good-looking, and smart.  But there’s usually a flip side:  self-absorbed, inconsiderate, insensitive, and cowardly, too.  Instead of focusing on, and trying to stick to one (really liked) other, this person can’t commit:  either "fades away" or ends things abruptly, a million excuses as to why things cannot work.

Those who seem to ellicit most sympathy, socially, are widowed or single parents.  The genuine distress their situations frequently cause can’t be denied.  But, some do know how to take advantage of circumstances—get extra help and attention that might not have come their way otherwise…

No matter one’s single status, a recent book, by Pari Livermore might be enouraging to those seriously searching, especially if female.  Called How to Marry a Fabulous Man, its Today Show feature told a little about Ms Livermore and her one-of-a-kind philanthropic dating service and philosophy, as well as her "31 ways to meet, catch, and keep Mr. Right." 

In North America, we’ve just started to hear about "pink cabs." The Pink Ladies cab company was started in Warrington (Northern England), in 2005, and has been so successful it’s now looking for franchisees. Pink cabs are driven by women for women, saftey and comfort being paramount.  In the days when all British cabs were black, "Pink Ladies" might have stood out.  Now they are part of an already colorful streetscape.

I hadn’t been in London for quite a while till Fall 07. (I still haven’t managed to finish writing about that trip on this blog, with so many other life/travel interruptions.)  When there, I couldn’t help but think how much brighter a place this city has become because of its colorful cabbies. Traditional "stiff upper lip" black vehicles are transformed into mobile advertising machines.  When I noticed the first colourful cab, I thought it was a one-off vehicle.  Then, each way I turned, I saw another and yet another.  Time to pull out the camera and start snapping.  Cab after cab, I collaged their images into a poster (inserted above) on returning home.  Funny what strikes us on our travel adventures.  I’d never have thought that cabs would capture my attention like this.  I suspect their ads are working! You certainly can’t help but notice them.

Other ads, I was aware, were displayed by humans.  I chanced on a bunch of placard supporters close to Covent Garden station.  I didn’t envy their job, sitting there holding arrow signs to local businesses. Fortunately, it was a balmy September morning.  I don’t know how widespread or seasonal this form of (in)human(e) advertising might be…

 

 

Please take a moment to be in touch with a friend who doesn’t have a Valentine, and let that person know how much they mean to you/you care about them.  A simple phone call or e-mail may be just enough!  If you’re happy—and fortunate to have attention from a "special other"—try to be extra sensitive to whose circumstances are different.  Though Valentine’s Day (February 14), gives many a cause to celebrate (and for commercialism), more folks than seems fair feel uncomfortable as it looms. This poem tells a little more:

VALENTINE’S DAY

Loved?
I’m not sure about that

What is love anyway
If you haven’t felt it?

What is love anyway
If another person hasn’t meant it?

What is love anyway
If you’re all alone?

If it’s you who makes the calls
If it’s you who cares about everyone else

What is love?

Please tell me
Because I don’t think I know

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

Add to Valentine’s Day, Ontario’s first annual Family Day, four days later, February 18, 2008.  Apart from proving an inconvenience for some in the business world, this second "relationship-rejoicing" day may add to singles feeling more out-of-place (a significant percentage of the local population).  According to February’s Village Post, its very name is "puritanical," and just begs for satire!

Reciprocity can be tricky sometimes. There are those who give in order to receive, those who give in order to mutually benefit, and those who like to take but not give back.  Those who give to give, no strings attached, are exceptional.

In real life, we see this with dinners, gifts, phone calls, and so much else.  Certain individuals always seem to offer a whole lot more for a whole lot less.

In cyberspace, gaining "reciprocal links"—like having "friends" on Facebook—has become a supposed indicator of success, popularity, and networking ability.  In recent weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in offers to exchange links, so as to raise Google rankings. But, what might "virtual-reciprocity" imply to the non tech-savvy? Because we exchange a link and list another web address on our site, does it mean that we endorse it too? If we decline a request to exchange a link, what is the message that we’re giving back?  That we don’t like or approve of it?  Will someone list us without us having to list them?

Because, for now, I don’t have distinct link lists, I try to include as many links as possible in blog entries and website text.  Requesters who’ve taken time to review my sites usually understand—and see a place where they might be inserted.

A Florence Biennale artist who has just requested a reciprocal link exchange is Ann Haessel. A fiber artist from Alberta, Canada, you might like to check out her site.  Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to see her work at the Biennale.

Other entries on this blog also offer perspectives on RECIPROCITY.  These include: 

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007 

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006 

The "January blues" are legendary. Then comes February, and moods sink lower. Is there anything that can be done to help? Some are too familiar with the pain (not just in January or February, but year round) and don’t need to have it explained (like in the poem below). Others are able to escape it— supports, special advantages, or attitude making things easier.  Living in warmer friendlier climates (or taking a sun break) can also be helpful.  But this isn’t always possible.  In cities such as Toronto, known more for aloofness and coldness than ambiance and joie de vivre, extra efforts need to be made.  It’s important to be aware of those around us, and check-in on them—include, invite, encourage, or reciprocate.  At least, try and offer a smile or "hello," even to someone you don’t know.

FEBRUARY FUNK

Looking good on the outside
Doesn’t dull the pain within

Do you know that pain?

Under the nose
In the throat
Around the eyes

An upset that you feel
Even if others don’t see

Do you know that pain?

Maybe you don’t
Likely you won’t

Do you know the sadness of
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair?

Seeing that others, clearly, don’t care

A "Please"
"Thank you"
"Sorry"
"Well done"
Might pick up someone else’s day

Few brave enough to show the way

Don’t ask "Why?"
Ask, "Why not?"

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is driven by others
Not just ourselves

We know, ourselves, what we do, feel, think
What’s right, wrong, uncomfortable, or easy

Others affirm, deny, encourage, avoid
Enable and disable

Contribute to who we are and can be

It’s who surrounds us
And who doesn’t

It’s what they say
And what they don’t

How they respond
Or not

No matter our strengths and weaknesses
Failures and successes
Feedback and allegiance matter
 
Others indicate the worthwhile, and the not so
Include and exclude
 
What we’re left with is up to us.

Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off."  Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships.  January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.

This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1.  Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2.  Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3.  Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4.  Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?

How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered.  Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?

Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo.  Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.

Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague.  She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…"  "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?"  Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.

New relationships used to get off to more comfortable starts because respect, consideration, and life-cycle stages seemed to matter.  Each person involved (or wanting to be) had incentive to keep things going—sought greater interdependence and collaboration (believed in a better quality of life as a "two").  Today, distractions and alternative options are more alluring than working on what’s infront of you—and got good possiblities.  Eyes wander more than ever before—if not in actuality, virtually.  

Cyber—cheating prevents many new connections from growing as they might have, easy "escapism" too available. High potential matches are stumped before they are started.  Serious daters (looking for a monogomous long-term relationship) dance with serial daters (those ever-seeking perfect and better). Once serial daters get what they think they want, it looses appeal and the chase becomes more exicting than the catch. On to the next!  Some endings are abrupt.  Others "fade away," one (cowardly) person knowing what they’re doing, the "worthier other" being left disappointed or surprised.

There used to be a commonly followed "three-date" practice (not to judge too quickly). Today, even second chances are hard to come by.  If someone isn’t perfect—better quality than the person ruling them out, from the very first encounter or because of an "off-moment"—there’s no hope for continuity or tolerance.  Why waste time with someone who might be human—have as many flaws as you do?  A quick fix, rather than hard work (as necessary for most everything else) prompts expectations…and disappointments.

Bravo to "Bravo" for alerting us to Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker team!  Thanks for displaying that guys one would think "apppropriate" aren’t necessarily ready—still fantasizing over unrealistic catches, or need "fine-tuning."  A show that is "out-of-the-box" in its showcasing of a service that attempts to coddle those who pay to seek what even money can’t buy. That aside, Patti’s Dating Commandments are worth checking out (millionaire or not).

Heath Ledger’s unfortunate death has generated much discussion about its nature—whether it was accidental or not. From the LA Times to Time (and beyond), it’s become a major news story!  Close family and friends of the deceased insisted right away on "accidental causes." Noone likes to think about, admit to, or acknowledge the "S"(uicide) possiblity, at anytime.

Media have provided a lot of extra/invasive hype, with many presumptive questions.  Naturally, suggestions of foul play abound, with analyses of the actor’s distresses.  Whatever the truth might actually be, we’ll never really know. Sadly, the one person who could have told us isn’t around anymore.  Apparently, he was found alone, face-down and naked on his bed, by service providers (his housekeeper and his masseuse).  Close family were thousands of miles away, and the face that Ledger gave to the world in his many outstanding film performances was, obviously, not the face he wore privately (of late).

Ledger was famous. That’s why we get to hear, see, and read about him, and his final days and hours.  But, there are many other individuals, just like this movie star, dying every day—and in our own midst. Their burnout, despair, frustration, and loneliness cannot be remedied effectively.  Accidents and non-accidents happen, closer to home and all the time…

No matter the nice things said and done after a "loved one" is gone, nothing can make up for what was not said and done when he or she was alive (manifesting that all wasn’t right). The "take-home message" is to be more mindful of those around us continually—and sensitive to our interactions with them.  We truly never know how we might affect someone else, and what the consequences might be.  What’s not a big deal for you, might be for someone else. Everything adds up.  And, sometimes, just one more disappointing encoounter may be that one more too many…

This following simple poem, "Depression Alert," is an important one to remember. I included it (below) in tribute to Ledger. His untimely death provides an opportunity to share sentiments that might not have gained exposure otherwise.  Think of those with whom your life intersects. Perhaps they need a little more attention, consideration, and follow-up than you’ve been able to give them till now.  We may all be "busy," but…

DEPRESSION ALERT!

The places you don’t go
Clothes you don’t wear
People you don’t see

Others’ imaginings…

A life of ease
Please don’t tease

The pain
Nothing you can explain

Torment deep within
Understanding thin

Not who they think you are
Distance very far

Spoken up and not heard
Silent and more congenial

Another funeral.

Just a "housekeeping" notice.  DocSusan’s blog will remain with Blogsome for now. The DocSusan Blogger blog has just been removed.  Each provider has its benefits, but since this blog is already quite established on Blogsome, with many links to it here, it’s best that it stays put.  Apologies for any inconvenience or confusion caused by the attempt to change address.

On my recent trip to Britain, I heard this in vogue expression, "gobsmacked," used over and again.  The "gob," as I remember it is the mouth.  And, a hit to the mouth can be startling.  Listening to a Today Show interview with Matt Lauer, yesterday, I admit I was learning about something I had no idea was happening to such an exent.  Lauer was chatting with Toby Byrum, who’d had a vasectomy at 28, and remained adamant that he’d done the right thing for himself.  He had absolutely no interest in having children of his own (though child-friendly), or an "escape hatch" (with banked sperm). This appears to be a growing trend among young men—at least from what the Today Show team were revealing.  Natalie Morales, afterwards, discussed viewer e-mail responses, showing surprise that many women endorsed Byrum’s decision.

Give to give
Not to receive

Give to give, because you want to
Not because you have to

Give to give
Not for what you hope to get in return

Give to give
Not to manipulate or demonstrate
or make out that you’re nicer than you are

Giving is good
But a few things should be understood…
Expectations lead to disappointments
And disappointments lead to a whole lot else

Give to give
to open doors
Not to close them

Giving for getting is only upsetting
Giving for attention, a bad intention

No one should owe you
And not everyone has to know you

Make dinner
Invite visitors
Buy gifts
Baby-sit

Do whatever it takes
Makes you and/or others happy

But, be aware of the stakes

Give to give, not to receive
or for what it’s hoped others may perceive

Sometimes we give more than we get
Other times we get more than we give

There’s givers and takers
And those who are neither

Offer only what you can
No need to be better than

Regret  leads to upset
Better left unexpressed

Making others feel guilty for what you’ve given
undoes any good done
Is worse than not giving at all

Giving is an art at which some excel
Some don’t

Knowing about giving
And growing through giving
Makes life worth living
For all of us…

There are many perspectives on "giving," and this poem offers but a few.  As with most everything, it’s important to take responsibility and make the extra effort to do the right thing, individually as well as together.  By coincidence, Former President, Bill Clinton, was interviewed on the Today Show, today, about his new book, GIVING:  How Each of Us Can Change the World.

Peek in my studio to see beginnings, middles, and endings.  This poem, however, is about more than my artwork—even if it might have caused the thoughts behind the words…

 
Beginnings are good
There’s hope, adventure, anticipation—all that interesting stuff

A new puppy
A new school year
A new pair of shoes
A new relationship

Middles stir indifference, doubt, delay—things we wish to avoid
They drag or they race—dreams held onto or dreams lost

A mid-term exam
A report half-written
An unfinished book
An intermission

And then there’s endings
The ones that come too soon, and the ones that come too late

Vacation over
Plate empty
Verdict given
Timed out

Priorities are different for everyone
And, it’s all in how we handle the lot we’re dealt

There’s so much that we can do, and there’s so much we can’t
Attitude makes a difference, so does effort

Some of us cope better than others
Some of us try harder than others
Some of us understand
And, some of us don’t

If you’ve been there, you’ll know what I’m saying
And if you haven’t, you may have a better idea of what’s ahead

We’re all so different
But we’re all so the same
Life being, too often, a challenging game

There’s winners and losers
No one having a real say about which side they’re on

Then there’s the times when no one wins or loses
Everyone ties

Beginnings, middles, and endings come to us all—eventually
And, like it or not

Some spend longer in each phase
Some are luckier in one phase than another
Some learn from experience
Some never will.

A friend lured me from my studio yesterday evening with a ticket for Kooza.  What a gift!  

Both the winter and summer holidays seem to have passed me by (almost) while I remain(ed) in hibernation to complete the Biennale exhibit collection.

To sit in the "grand chapiteau" was a thrill and delight—gave me a chance to marvel at real performance artistry—so much talent, skill development, surprise, and wonder.  Memories of childhood and attending Billy Smart’s Circus in Liverpool!

From the three child gymnasts to the trapeze artists, to the unicycle couple, to the high wire quartet, to spinning wheelers, to the juggler, to the balancer, to the seesaw and stilt men, I was gasping and gulping.  Then, in between there was the stuffed dog—and I won’t tell you what he did…or about the fun audience participation opportunities with the clowns.

My Biennale creations feel small compared to what the Cirque’s performers accomplish night after night.  Humbled and energized, I’m ready to get back to my studio and approach the finale of the Biennale project with revived gusto.

Almost perfect was more than perfect for me—a real treat and reminder.  The (thankfully stopped) fall on the last stilt stunt drew attention to the fragility of everyone and thing and the life-saving importance of seamless teamwork and camaraderie.

Let’s be realistic—and honest.  Standards are set very high these days by what we think is true, but actually isn’t.  Magazine touch-ups are an obvious way to recognize how what’s raw and real gets distorted and embellished. 

Lindsay Lohan is an over-played but obvious example. First, let’s take a look at her Elle (September 2007) cover photo, which is only the latest in a series of magazine cover photos.  Then, let’s take a look at her July 24 (07) police mug shot.  Show business would have her appear one way. The law clearly shows her another way…  

How has Lohan gone from that to this or this to that?  Is it fair to blame someone/thing else? Is it even fair to blame her, or her family, friends, and entourage? Is it our business, anyway? Not really—except if she’s a danger to others, which is highly likely with an arrest for drunk driving and cocaine possession.  But, then again, DUI, is no big deal these days—or so it seems for young celebrities.

Paris Hilton, after her promises to stop partying after her DUI jail time, was soon back to her frivolities. Then there’s her off-on "best friend," Nicole Richie, also up for DUI jail time.  Apparently, a boyfriend and pregnancy are the "two major influences" that will break the "bad ‘pattern’" in her life.  Imminent motherhood, she believes, will make her more responsible.  But, shouldn’t she be more responsible first, in order to merit being a mother?  A tad confusing! Or, maybe, not.  We’ve all heard about Britney Spears, and seen how she defends her motherhood foibles.

Sadly, in a society where decent role models don’t seem to get the news coverage they deserve and appropriate consequences are sorely lacking, anything seems to go and be acceptable.  No press is bad press, especially when it can generate $$$$$.

Some people are seen to have it all, and squander what they have.  Others have very little, but are genuine—turn out better human beings, no limelight necessary.

Why would we want to emulate images/icons that are contrived and fleeting—represent actualities that only exist on a glossy page, offering glimpses of what might never be possible or sustainable?

The "too good to be true" is around us everywhere.  Sometimes, we ignore it.  Other times, we’re ready to be taken in by it.  It all depends on how vulnerable (and/or gullible) we are. Self-esteem, need, greed, and fear can cloud judgment, as does peer pressure and bullying.  So, finding ways to keep things in perspective—not relying on perception being reality—is important. Be aware:

1.  Promises are only as good as those who make them.
2.  What happens quickly can unhappen more quickly.
3.  Even it’s free now, you’ll be paying for it later (and probably a lot more).
4.  The easier it is, the less value and longevity it might have.
5.  Telling the truth might get you into trouble.  Not telling it can get others into trouble.  And, when others are in trouble, you may no longer call the shots—they will.
6.  Just because you’re sure of yourself, it doesn’t mean others are sure of you.  And, when you’re sure of others, you might not be sure of yourself.

We all want to think the best, dream of a better tomorrow, and have hope for the future.  It’s a natural survival instinct!  However, what’s more important is to know where, how, and when to draw the line—not be taken in by ourselves, as well as others.  Regardless, we never know how long we have, or how forces beyond our control might change everything in an instant.  Take, for instance, the bridge collapse in Minnesota—a sad reminder and wake-up call, like most unexpected tragedies, to stop dwelling on the superficial (and those who are impressed by it).

When I write, it’s often to deal with challenging subjects.  Sorting them out on the page gives them voice and meaning.  My writing makes me (and others) think—dares to express what we don’t always want to hear or know and acknowledge. It’s raw and real, and gets to the heart of matters that can be far from funny. This doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing.  Honestly, it takes courage!

When we put ourselves out there and share, positive happenings can follow.  Also, the opportunity to share is valuable in itself.  Usually, what’s important to one person, is to another. And, those who had no previous knowledge of what’s been revealed may have some "aha moments."

A Today Show concert series interview with Tom Higgenson (July 24, 07)  of Plain White T’s fame, focused on the group’s breakthrough number one hit of the summer, "Hey There Delilah" (from the album "Every Second Counts").  Higgenson explained that his song-writing changed after a car accident.  He’s come to realize, "The more personal that you get in what you write about, the more people have probably gone through those same things, so they can relate to it more…"
 
When I paint, it’s often to escape from and provide relief for the challenging times focused on in my writing—whether I realize it at the time, or not.  I have a natural inclination to create something that’s pleasing to the eye and change the mood (mine and others’)—picture things more optimistically.  Whimsy, bright colors, and pleasing subject matter drive me to new places, making others smile along the way.

Listening to "Hey There Delilah," I realize how words put to music can take the heaviness out of what’s being said, while still getting intended messages across.  I’m less able to do this because of the way I divide my words and visuals.  The words that I write are presented separately from the paintings that I paint (for now), offering two distinct impressions—and moods.  Though I, myself, realize I’m not just sad or happy at any one time, readers and audiences taking in one or other modality, by itself, might not recognize this. 

Life is a constant balancing act for most of us, something that makes finding and developing a variety of outlets for creative self-expression (that work separately or together) a natural instinct and survival mechanism.

The "best things in life" are said to be "free,"
but sometimes there’s reason to wonder,
especially if single and looking…

 

RELUCTANT = Not wanting to be in a particular situation but not really having a choice, so having to get on with it, however possible…

Singles Who Are "Reluctant" Are Easily Identifiable:

1. They don’t want to be single at all, short or long-term—know singlehood to be a lonely/inadequate state, no matter the positive spin put on it for others’ benefit.
2. They are concerned about being different to all their coupled friends—left out, as well as left behind.
3.  They regret and are preoccupied with missing "developmental stages"—marriage and children.
4.  They recognize that some are more equal than others—a wedding band is still seen as a "ring of success" by most.
5. They are tired of singles’ gimmicks/an exploitative "singles market"—merchandise and media that don’t respect who singles are and can be as people, just profit from and/or make fun of their vulnerabilities.
6. They’re familiar with getting excluded by couples (and family members)—those who used to be single (and singles-friendly) when they were trying to move on from that status, themselves.

"Reluctant Singles" Realize:

1. Complaining doesn’t help—just makes them appear bitter/whiney—seen to be deserving to be single.
2. Non-singles might not care about their single friends’ single status as much as others who are single.  Being in a relationship can often make it harder to empathize—there are other more pressing problems (which is, usually, true).
3. Society doesn’t properly accommodate its singles majority—it’s still a "couples’ world," for the most part.
4. Singles need to make a lot of fuss in order to be heard when their (true) messages and issues aren’t upbeat—funny, inspirational, or entertaining.
5. What’s hard to acknowledge (about singles’ struggles) is more readily ignored.
6. Only "reluctant singles" really know what’s challenging about their circumstances—what needs to change to help those looking, or how singlehood might be made more agreeable.  However, their ideas aren’t always good for business.  ("Singles’ businesses" are, for the most part, profit- not people-oriented, or charities.)

When The Price is Wrong:

For singles not sure about which singles’ businesses to trust—who’s not simply looking to make a quick buck from them—it’s important to be aware of these common occurences:

1.  Event/trip planners who don’t let clients know exactly who might be attending (ratio of men to women, ages, intellects/interests)?  They’ll have a participant along, even if they know the mix isn’t suitable.  An unsuspecting client starts out by trying to enjoy the activity, but that can’t suffice.  The activity was only a mechanism, not the purpose for attendance or outlay.
2.  Matchmakers who offer unsuitable matches repeatedly, or who misrepresent personal profile information (like age, interests, empoyment, appearance, etc.).  Then, clients are told they’re too picky for declining them.  Those who don’t have the inventory and take clients’ money, anyway, "in the hope that…" can have even the smartest fooled.
3.  Websites and singles’ groups where clients have to sign on for a specific number of dates or events, paying a lump sum up front.  Then, after one, two, or three not-as-advertised experiences, it’s clear things aren’t going to change for the better and nothing can be done about the loss.  Plus, the organizers, who were super reassuring in the beginning, aren’t nearly as nice later on…
4.  For dating sites, especially, are there small-print roll over possibilities, that if you don’t cancel, formally, for next month you’ll be paying out indefinitely?  Then, signing off doesn’t mean signing out.  Previous members may still be bombarded with mailings and their canceled profiles for ever visible.
5.  "Special helpers" and "teachers’ pets" seem to be given first dibs on the "hottest" suitors.  When a singles’ group has a volunteer workforce, rules may be meant to be broken. 
6.  Singles’ operators who are "single operators" can build their business around their own search.  This means, they too often, can put their own, rather than their clients’, needs first.
7.  Groups/websites that don’t have a "manners protocol"—that those written to should respond, even to say "no"—don’t always display the customer-friendly behaviors themselves.
8.  Groups that favor numbers over quality may be more concerned with their own profit margin, than pleasing the customer.  Helping someone to meet their "basherte" is a blend of skill, patience, luck and expertise—requires humanity and humility.  Often, the more flash and anonymous the website, the more cause to be suspicious. 

When the Price is Fair:

Recommendations/A few "singles’ connectors" that stand out from the rest:

• For Travel:  Backroads’ agents, generally, will give potential clients an idea of the make up of their solo travelers’ groups—also, they’re not for singles per se, which is why singles probably gravitate to/enjoy them.

• For Matchmaking/Event Organizing:  Elsa, Malinsky, founder and operator of Besherte, puts  heart and soul into her vocation.  Her "success stories" and obvious interest in clients’ wellbeing make this clear.

• For On-Line Dating: RightStuff has a "manners protocol" in place, and Dawne (its founder) encourages reporting non-responders.  There’s also a pay-per-profile-view billing system.

Please help add to this list of "Recommended Singles’ Connectors."  Of course, there may be more that are not recommended.  If you have a tale to tell, others who are "newer to the ‘game’&qu