Last Friday, a Globe and Mail headline announced "Art Gallery of Ontario Workers Face Layoffs."  There’s a substantial revenue short-fall and too few visitors and memberships.  The flagging economy gets ample blame.  But, obviously, that’s not the only reason…  November 14, 2008, my blog post, The AGO Reopens and ARTISTS Do MATTER was optimistic. But, soon after, impressions shifted.  Personal follow-up demonstrated how things aren’t always as projected: to be more skeptical about what’s put out when there’s lights, cameras, action. The design and layout of the gallery have been altered, but layers of "ice" still visible. Financial assistance and p.r. bestowed by outsiders aren’t always enough, especially if not able to be sustained in a challenging economy.  When consumers are forced to limit choices, feeling welcome, wanted, or involved is all the more significant, influencing  decisions as to where personal resources might be allocated for memberships and donations.  What didn’t count previously does now.  

Eagerness to trust and believe, perhaps, had caused me to take Director Matthew Teitelbaum’s message that "artists matter" too literally, at the AGO’s pre-opening day party.  Afterwards, I contacted him, as he’d advised, to be added to his "artists’ list."  It was my understanding, at the time, that there’d be (regular, local) artist-friendly happenings and mailings, and an openness to suggestions/meeting. Maybe, it was a mistake to put energy into follow-up when the thought-to-be-approachable (and open) weren’t really. A brief meeting with a tardy and distracted Dr. David Moos (Curator of Contemporary Art), who appeared comfortably so, didn’t justify weathering the cold and paying for down-town parking. But, hoping this was just an "off day" for him, and because of the work gone into my preparation, I followed up with a traditional "Thank you for the meeting note," daring to continue a truncated presentation. No response. I tried again. No response. I tried one more time. Still no response…

Probability:  If it’s happening to you, it could be happening to others.  The "Three Rs" still matter:  Respect, Reciprocity, Replies.  (A future blog post will look at this topic further.)

Principle:  Everyone matters, and those you think might matter least (now), could matter more (later).

The AGO’s annual "Massive Party" event April 2, 09, to collect more funds for the gallery, is $125 per participant. Not to be forgotten:  raising spirits and fostering good will, can also help boost funds (and visitor/membership appeal), no party (or extra expense) necessary.

 

About the images in this post:  January/February 09, Toronto was a city of icicles. Some hazarded the view. Others fell and caused damage.  March being a gentler month, for now (anyway), spring fever is rising: a time to embrace fresh ideas, options, and attitudes.

For an earlier post about Toronto winter weather (and mood) challenges, please check out Toronto Snow-Clean-up in Time for 2009 (January 4, 2009).

 

The Portrait Society of Canada’s annual show includes the work of 42 member-artists.  One piece was chosen from each. I was at the host gallery (John B. Aird) on the weekend, for delivery, and got a preview.  What a wonderfully varied exhibition!  No two paintings are the same in any way:  size, media, scale, theme…  There truly is something for every taste and interest, and some of the pieces are for sale.  For those who love portrait painting, and are curious to meet the artists behind the paintings, this is a great opportunity. For those who are unfamiliar with portrait painting, this is also a great opportunity—to learn more about it, and get involved with fundraising efforts for a contemporary Canadian portrait gallery in Toronto.

Possible schedule conflicts:  Toronto Art Expo and the The Artist’s Project (Toronto) open the same night (March 5). Having participated in both of these shows last year (The Artist’s Project as part of Artropolis in Chicago), I am happy with my decision to not be involved with them this year.

Artists are repeatedly approached to submit applications and pay big bucks to display their work. Once their money is down, there can be multiple organizational disappointments (not of their creation). Unfortunately, usually, those who gain the most (financially, especially) are those who own and/or manage shows and/or run competitions, or offer to represent artists and/or sell their artwork, in person, on location, or on-line.

Artists, please beware!  General public, please be aware!  What really happens behind the scenes matters, and not just at the time, subsequently. Another blog post will be coming shortly, about scams and advantage-taking of artists, particularly those who are just emerging.  In the meantime, please look back to earlier art show blog posts.  These include:  

• Art Shows: Business Priorities Versus Exhibitor Satisfaction (July 23, 2008)
• Change of Date, Change of Fate: Toronto Art Expo 08 Snowed Under (March 16, 2008)

Numerous unreturned e-mails and phone messages later, the organizer of Toronto Art Expo still hasn’t provided me with receipts from last year.

To see examples of my portraiture (recent and past) please check out the Figurative Gallery on the DocSusan site.

 

My user-friendly book, Therapeutic Art Directives and Resources.  Activities and Initiatives for Individuals and Groups (with commentaries by mentor/friend, Cathy Malchiodi) was published in Korean last year.  I just received copies!  It’s amazing the difference a change of font can make.  Also, the care and attention to detail the foreign publishers have given to every page is obvious.  This week I’ll be meeting up with the once-little girl who did the cover art.  She’s now 22 years-old!  For an earlier blog post about this book’s translation, please see:  Found in Translation—Korean (July 23, 2007).

Across from the Royal Ontario Museum, there’s a Green P Parking Lot at 9 Bedford Street. It’s one of the few places you can be guaranteed a spot when there’s no on-street parking, It’s also handy if you don’t want to walk very far because of the cold.  I don’t park there often.  Last night was one of those rare occasions—perhaps the last occasion.

There’s underground spaces and above ground spaces.  Above ground was full, so I parked in the underground.  "Clever!" I thought:  close to the door, which led to the stairway to Bloor Street.  The talk I attended at the ROM was given by Lauren Fix, the "Car Coach," TV expert, and author (of Lauren Fix’s Guide to Loving Your Car).

Lauren really brightened up an otherwise very ho-hum event. The Connecting Singles Program, for which she spoke, you’d think would do well because of the venue.  But, it doesn’t.  Price, stigma, or ambiance, something’s not working in it’s favor!  However, the good news is that they are open to feedback, and looking to make improvements!  A program that’s been running for 22 years, even though it’s in a museum, still merits a make-over!

Crossing back to the parking lot, I was excited to have had the opportunity for a one-to-one chat with Lauren, and meet the person behind the performance.  Sometimes, when an event isn’t working for you, you have to seize the moment and see what can… I considered that the evening hadn’t been a complete waste of time because of the simple ideas this very practical, engaging, and approachable speaker had shared about car owning and loving.

A smile on my face, I returned to the parking lot and my lovely car, and started the engine—all automatic movements.  Then I looked up, in order to reverse.  A beam of light shone down on a shattered windscreen. Investigation by lot security confirmed that it must have been a pellet gun or like, for the assault, my car alarm preventing break-in.

Apparently, there’s been a wave of random acts of vandalism and theft in this particular lot lately.  So, the incident wasn’t surprising.  What was surprising was being asked to pay to exit the lot.  I did this without fuss, while waiting for security to arrive.  After all, lot attendees were only doing their job, so why take things out on them?  It’s those who operate the lot, and set the protocols (but aren’t present) who need suggest appropriate flexibility (and social conscience), especially if they’re aware of the extra risk using their facilities might entail.

 

This evening’s Facebook Garage started with presenters sharing some Facebook facts:

Basic Statistics
• 150 million users, worldwide (as of January 09).
• The average user has 120 friends.
• 70% of users are outside the US.
• More than 50% of users are beyond college age.
• 3 billion minutes every day are spent on FB.  
• FB is the 6th largest "web property" in the world.
• FB’s intention:  to help make the world more open and and connected (a better place).
• 6000 developers are involved with platform-building.

Facebook and Canadians
• Canadians use social networks more than any country in the world and spend the most minutes on FB (300 a month, per user).
• 50% of Canadians are on FB and half of these people are on every day.
• Over 70% of Torontonians are on FB.

Three Uniquely Facebook Features
One click log-in, and then:
1. Identity: FB is the first site where people gave their real world identity
2. Friends:  FB connects peoples’ real world friends (friends that users already have, not random friendships). Most users bring friends with them…and then there’s "social filtering."  Whatever your friends have contributed will come to you, and you’ll be more interested in it because of who is involved.
3. Distribution: FB information is shared between friends. All links go back and around, and conversations start…

Facebook is Evolving 
• FB’s 2006 (old) look recently got a makeover.  
• "Facebook Connect" has been introduced. "Facebook Connect" goes beyond FB into the wider Web. 6,000 sites have adopted "Facebook Connect," so far, and the number of registered users to those Websites has been seen to increase 20 - 100% in one day with it.

Hot Topics
• Check out "Facebook Connect" (http://developers.facebook.com/fbconnect.php)
• Facebook is hiring!

Family Day, a holiday that’s unique to Ontario, Canada, and in its second year, proves challenging to some who live solo. Local decision-makers might not have realized and/or taken into account all the variables and ramifications. This province-wide holiday comes just two days after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day might have felt awkward for individuals without a “special someone” in their life with whom to celebrate. The next day, they recuperate:  move on from worries about having been unable to identify.  Then, another blow: a similar holiday in rapid succession that seems to have even less relevance to their status, experience, and/or interests.

That the number of singles (never married, divorced, widowed, or separated) is growing, in Canada and elsewhere, is not just a fact.  It’s a reality! Unfortunately, most events scheduled in and around Toronto (as listed in the Toronto Star for Family Day) don’t appear to take this into consideration.  A lot of Torontonians can’t but help feel left out.  However, it’s embarrassing for them to complain out loud. So, what can they do, and how might legislators show greater sensitivity in future years?  Should a “Solo Day” be inserted into the calendar too?

Even if  “Family Day” alienates with a name that’s not every-citizen-inclusive, it’s still important to make the most of the opportunity for a day off, and find alternative purpose for festivity. Better not to lament over what the day might be supposed to represent if you are without family and/or have unhappy familial associations. More advisable to try and make the effort to do something worthwhile, memorable, productive, or relaxing, how ever possible.

Here are some suggestions (in random order) to assist solos who might feel disconnected and/or blue on, or due to, Family Day.  Though each person might have different priorities (needs, limitations, capacities, and capabilities), staying optimistic and being open to doing, thinking, and believing differently is important:

1.   Focus on other personal positives and accomplishments.
2.   Stay active (and distracted) with work projects and/or hobbies.
3.   Avoid situations and venues that cause discomfort.
4.   Hang out with others in similar circumstances.
5.   Volunteer and help those less fortunate.
6.   Welcome invitations that are feel-good opportunities, for self or others.
7.   Relax and rest at home if going out doesn’t seem like it will be fun.
8.   Enjoy pets and focus on spending quality time with them.
9.   Catch up with administrivia (bills) and housekeeping (clean up).
10. Smile! (even if you don’t want to)—perhaps the simplest way to start feeling better.
11. Self-Indulge:  read a good book, go for a run, have a glass of wine or massage…
12. Host a get-together or pot-luck: invite other solos and/or families.

Hats off to families (and friends) who are able to reach out to solos and include and/or make a fuss of them, on Family Day especially!  

Earlier related bog posts include:

• Beat the February Blahs: Connect and Reconnect in Positive Ways (February 14, 2009)
• In Anticipation of VALENTINE’S DAY, Singles Included (February 13, 2008)
• “MOTHER’S Day” for the Disconnected (May 16, 2007)
• Notes on a Scandal: SINGLE and Living Vicariously (February 12, 2007)

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about romance, it’s about friendship too—caring, sharing and expressing thanks.  

In a Today Show segment, (January 3rd 08), Shannon Ethridge, author of The Sexually Confident Wife, told how healthy relationships fuel our lives.  Lesley Rotchford, Deputy Editor of Cosmopolitan told how a new year can offer the push you need to move on. The following poem highlights the importance of (good) friends…

Friends Need Friends

Friends are there
When you need them to care

Friends do
No need to ask

Friends are strangers
And strangers are friends

Those about whom we know less
May give more

Those whom we least expect
Hang in and on, don’t reject
Feelings protect

Farewell to friends who aren’t really
Farewell to friends who thought they were, nearly

Friends are there
When you need them to care

We treasure them dearly

True friends know who they are
As well as who they can be

Less is more
And more may be less

Small stuff no big deal
Loyalty real.

Take time to treasure friends old, new, and in between—and show them you do!   Never too late to be (back) in touch with those (once) held dear…  Facebook and other social networking sites are helping a lot of us do this!

Earlier FRIENDSHIP-related blog posts include:

• Relationship Watch: Don’t Know What to Do? Do Something! Doing (and Thinking) Differently in 2009 (January 18, 2009)
• New Year’s Resolutions for 2009: Forgiveness Tops Many a List (December 30, 2008)
• Reflections on “The Season of Giving”: Who Cares? Doers, Takers, Nosey-Pokes, Nothingers (December 28, 2008)
• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• No “PLEASE,” No “THANK-YOU,” No HAPPY (May 30, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

 

Others might not like to admit to creativity lulls or feelings of let-down.  But, as my blog evinces, throughout, I think it’s important to be real and not sugar-coat.  Information sharings can be helpful all round:  affirm we are not alone and others have been there too (and got through).  If we don’t acknowledge all our mood-shades (blacks, as well as whites and grays), appearances risk being deceptive.  Life is seldom as perfect as it might be thought for anyone, and authenticity matters.

I am still on a hiatus from painting.  By the close of 2008, I’d participated in three big shows and series (07 - 08), directly after art school graduation (06). Also, as is familiar to most other "emerging artists," the cumulative run-around from a variety of solicitors (galleries, dealers, agents, businesses, and organizations) who’d proved less reputable and reliable than hoped and assumed, was straining.  End result:  a loss in momentum— the need to take time for the "Three Rs," Rethink, Relax, Reboot.

My slow-down really began when I was too sick (medically/physically) to paint. Until I’m properly well, it’s not wise to resume. That said, it’s not something I’m rushing to do…  A dear artist friend recently shared details of her own time-out.  Her example and perspective were inspirational. A wonderfully talented individual, I was in awe of her insight and understanding (journey and recovery) and lack of competitiveness. 

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, but we need to be kind to ourselves (and have others be kind to us), and not push.  At least that’s the advice I tend to share in other contexts…

My studio isn’t empty.  The last painting that I finished (in October 08) jumps out on entry.  It’s a 60 x 40 inch oil on canvas abstract that became a horse:  a beautiful, calming soothing creature who looks like she’s confident and peaceful.  This piece was different in style than what’s been typical for me, over the past few years.

Thinking back to when I painted this last piece, I realize I sensed that something was going on. (The art therapist in me kicked in.) What I was trying to paint wasn’t coming out as I’d planned.  But, when does it ever, really?  I gave in and let happen whatever wanted to manifest on the canvas. 

This Horse piece followed on from a Duck, a Bird, and a Deer/Fox.  All four paintings will appear in the DocSusan artwork galleries, eventually… with stories about them.  In the meantime, please be patient—with me, yourself, and othewise.  Though we seem to live in a "quick-fix society," real life doesnt work that way.  All good things are worth the wait!

Earlier blog posts on artistic challenges include:

▪ Torrit Grey and Regenerating Creativity (October 11, 2008)
▪ Art Shows: Business Priorities Versus Exhibitor Satisfaction (July 23, 2008)
▪ #20. PRECIOUSNESS/VALUE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 30, 2007)
▪ #19. SHARING (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 29, 2007)
▪ #18. LIMITATIONS (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 28, 2007)
▪ #17. MESSAGE(S) (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 27, 2007)
▪ #16. (SPECIAL) GIFT(S) (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 26, 2007)
▪ #15. ARTIST PLUS (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 25, 2007)
▪ #14. TIME (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 24, 2007)
▪ #13. THE PUZZLE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 23, 2007)
▪ #12. SERENDIPITY (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 22, 2007)
▪ #11. ORGANIZATION (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 21, 2007
▪ #10. PRICES (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 18, 2007)
▪ #9. SUPPORT, PATRONAGE, GRANTS (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) 
(November 16, 2007)
▪ #8. “JK ROWLING SYNDROME” (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 14, 2007)
▪ #7. PAINTER’S FATIGUE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!") (November 12, 2007)
▪ #6. NOTICING THE DETAILS (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 10, 2007)
▪ #5. STRATEGIC/CONSCIOUS PAINTING (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) 
(November 8, 2007)
▪ #4. CREATIVE PRESSURE/RELEASE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 4, 2007)
▪ #3. SACRIFICE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (November 1, 2007)
▪ #2. STAMINA (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (October 28, 2007)
▪ #1. ENDURANCE (Reflection While Painting “Buon Appetito!”) (October 24, 2007)
▪ Candid Artistic Ramblings: Reflections While Painting “Buon Appetito!”—Preparing for the Florence Biennale (October 19, 2007)
▪ INSTINCT, EXPRESSION, and CREATIVITY—in WRITING, PAINTING, and MUSIC (July 31, 2007)
▪  PAINTING and PERSEVERANCE (July 27, 2007)
▪  Entering PAINTING COMPETITIONS Can Be Disheartening (July 16, 2007)
▪  Stages of My PAINTING PROCESS (July 5, 2007)
▪  PAINTERS and WRITERS: Survival Tips, Cautions, and Experiences (March 30, 2007)
▪  PAINTING: Getting to the heART of why we do it (January 5, 2007)

 

 

This is an exciting day and land-mark occasion world-wide—the swearing in of President Barack Hussein Obama as 44th President of the United States!

For those of us not in the US, some ways to connect and/or participate:

• Television:  BBC live Coverage will begin at 4:00 pm Greenwich Mean Time
• Social Networking:  CNN on Facebook, 8:00 am to 6:00 pm Eastern Standard Time (US)
• E-Bulletins and Links: CBS’s Couric and Co’s Inside Scoop
• On-Line Newspaper: TimesOnLine
• On-Line Broadcast Links:  CBC.ca

Question:  A New Media Inauguration?  The BBC asks who will triumph on the day, new or old media?

Watching the Clock…  Obama’s Inauguration Schedule Highlights (Eastern Standard Time, US)

• 11:30 a.m. Obama announced at West Front of Capitol
• 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Inauguration Ceremony
• 12:35 p.m. Departure ceremony for outgoing President George W. Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney
• 12:45 p.m. Signing ceremony in the President’s Room in the Capitol
• 1:05 p.m. Inaugural luncheon at Statuary Hall
• 2:20 p.m. Review of troops on East Front
• 2:25 to 6 p.m. The 56th Inaugural Parade travels down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Capitol to the White House
• 8 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. Obama to appear at 10 inaugural balls

Connect how and whenever you can—and enjoy in the moment!

For a very quick reminder of election night 08, please see: A Night to Remember: US Elections From Canadian Side of the Border—Best, Worst, and Unsurprising Details (November 6, 2008).

I took the flag-shot at the start of this post in Fort Williams Park by Portland Head Light, Cape Elizabeth, Portland, Maine.  Well worth a visit!

There’s a beautiful walled garden, in Reynolds Park, Woolton (a Liverpool suburb).  Yesterday, perhaps because there weren’t any flowers in bloom, we were struck by the number of benches there.  Benches given in memory of those who’d enjoyed the garden previously.  Soon, it seemed, there might not be room left for any more.  Sad, satisfying, sweet, and significant…

  

Earlier “in memoriam” blog posts include:

• IN MEMORY of Tim Russert, and Others Less Easily Remembered (June 14, 2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)

An interesting coincidence:  BBC News Morning News has just advised it’s Blue Monday today, the gloomiest day of the year. However, the benches in Reynolds Park look anything but!

The Today Show, January 2nd, discussed Relationships, and their significance for 2009.  2008 having been a difficult year for most of us, psychiatrist, Gail Saltz, in a "New Year, New You" segment, stressed how important is is to be able to focus on the positive, for oneself, and with others.  Her main points (and advice) included:

1. The number one source of happiness is relationships, not material stuff.  
2. When you think negative thoughts you’ll think more negative thoughts.
3. Jot down the small things that made you happy today to help shift you towards a more positive attitude.
4. The more spiritual you can be, the better you’ll cope.
5. Give to others (think outside of yourself).
6. Just changing perspective can make things easier for you.

Most human beings thrive on love, affection, and connection but are afraid to ask for it, especially if they’re alone or isolated (by chance or choice).  Not matter how much someone protests that they don’t need help or consideration, they usually do.  Awkwardness and pride get in the way.  Real friends ignore protestations and act anyway:

TO DO

1.  Don’t know what to say to those experiencing loss? You don’t have to. Call/visit anyway. Better that than to do nothing at all.  "Being there" is the greatest gift and doesn’t cost.

2.  Don’t know if those who are sick need help?  Don’t ask, just do.  When we’re weak it’s not always possible to speak.  Everything’s an extra effort, and no one likes complainers.  Those surrounded by loving and kind others (close relatives, or strangers) make speedier recoveries.  Phone calls, food packages, rides to the hospital, and get-well cards all count.  There are a variety of ways to "be there" even if you’re far away, emotionally or geographically.

3. Celebrate others year-round, not just occasion-round.  Don’t overlook those who don’t reach typical milestones (births, marriages, engagements, anniversaries).  Birthdays, new jobs, new homes, and "just because" acknowledgments are important too.  It’s not only the attention received at extra special times that counts, it’s the attention that’s shown day-to-day.  Everyone likes to feel worthwhile, no matter how little fuss they make!

4.  Transition from "me-" to "we-" thinking.  Self-absorption is a disease of the 21st century.  Don’t fall victim to it!  Most relationships seem to happen (and last) on a needs basis, but they don’t have to.  Just because you’ve married/had kids and your friend hasn’t, don’t desert him.  Just because you’re a girl seeking a guy, don’t be jealous/angry when a girl pal meets a guy before you do.  Sticking around for someone else, and/or being happy for them, even if your circumstances aren’t as favorable are point-scorers.  Walking or fading away, and silences damage once-good bonds and histories beyond repair, and the collateral damage (depression, hurt, and beyond), whether it’s recognized or not, after-the-fact, can be devastating.  

TO THINK ABOUT

1.  Savoir-faire matters (know-how, or knowing what to do)  Health, connections, happiness, and good fortune are all gifts.  Some of us have more opportunity for, and access to, them than others.  Even if we are not in control of the bigger picture, we may have the ability to influence smaller happenings:  help make difficult situations easier for those with whom our life intersects.  Knowledge is power, and denying what you know, when you could do something to help make things easier (for someone else), is unfortunate.  Good Intentions, even if they backfire, reflect well.  For those who are responsible and upfront (show good intent), no games/guises equals no regrets!

2. Sad, but true, circumstances change in moments.  Life can be humbling, emotionally as well as physically and materially/financially.  Some can’t relate to negative circumstances.  Others know little else.  Cliché as it might seem, seeing the cup half-full and putting yourself in another’s shoes are important.

Earlier related blog posts include:

• New Year’s Resolutions for 2009: Forgiveness Tops Many a List (December 30, 2008)
• Reflections on “The Season of Giving”: Who Cares? Doers, Takers, Nosey-Pokes, Nothingers (December 28, 2008)
• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• No “PLEASE,” No “THANK-YOU,” No HAPPY (May 30, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

 

 

 

Every moment with my dogs is special.  And, as they age, I realize, all the more, what a gift it is that they’ve had reasonably healthy lives, so far.   When they do get sick, which seems to be more frequently of late, it’s very distressing…  Old age and health challenges come to us all, no matter our species or status.  It’s all in how they’re handled:  our own attitude as well as that of those who stick around and how they help see us through.  Earlier blog posts about this include:  Hat-Tricks and Hospital Waiting Rooms (November 5, 2008), Sick Pets and Veterinary Waiting Rooms (November 6, 2008) Home for the Holidays! Sick Puppy Alert: When Two Dogs are Better than One. (December 25, 2008).

Not to outdo Sage and myself, Lev had emergency surgery yesterday.  I’d noticed “the sneeze” for a couple of weeks.  It was intermittent and not like Sage’s—more like a human’s (she’s a bigger dog). It came in series, usually earlier in the day or later at night.  Her playing, eating, barking, walking/running, and bossing were unchanged, but her eyelids, especially over the last few days, started to look swollen (patches of flesh evident between her hairs)…

Sage and I had taken attention away from Lev, over recent months, with our own surgeries, and she had been our “rock.”  This gave me a niggling fear that Lev might not be indestructible herself.  Sometimes you just know…  Once Sage and I were more alert and able to resume semi-normal activities, I observed Lev more closely, taking her straight to the operating theater.  Something wasn’t quite right! “The Sneeze” was the signal…

Please be aware that vets who aren’t certified in animal dentistry can’t always be sure where sneezing can come from.  But, that said, and after-the-fact, even as a lay person, I’ve come to find this hard to comprehend…  In Sage’s case, Dr. Mason jumped to do an elaborate (and expensive) battery of general tests that could have been avoided.  If he’d followed Dr. Kneebone’s referral note’s suggestion to do dental XRays, we could have been saved a lot of grief.  After all, Dr. Kneebone’s deduction came as a result of numerous visits to her office, and homeopathic remedies (again, all at a price—financially and emotionally).  In retrospect, I fear that the “dance” may have continued, had I not screamed for conventional emergency help…  

After an unnecessarily drawn out and frustrating experience like the one Sage endured, you do not forget easily.  We paid Dr. Mason (heftily), but Pet Care did not reimburse us.  This had something do with the way in which Dr. Mason filled out the insurance claim form. It also had something to do with Pet Care’s policies and practices. (There will be more about this in a future blog post.)  We canceled our pet insurance and we won’t go back to Dr. Mason…

This time around, because of the Sage-experience, I bypassed "referring vets" (and related expenses) and went straight to Dr. Sharon French.  She is as kind as she is professional and considerate.  She understands how vet bills can mount up, unnecessarily, delaying appropriate and expedient treatment, and only did the essential.  Once Lev had had the dental Xrays, confirmation was given of what was wrong.  And, when the surgery began, it was even clearer what needed to be done.  Six abscessed teeth were extracted!

Yesterday afternoon, I made another batch of home-made dog food in anticipation of Lev’s homecoming.  She wasn’t ready till nine last night, and a very sad and sore little girl…  Sage is still wearing his lampshade.  (His post-surgery health issue will be discussed in a later blog post.)  He  came with me to get her, wagging his tail, a mile a minute, after a very mellow day.  He greeted her lampshade to lampshade, but she wasn’t interested.

Lev’s nose bled and her tail was down. I held her in my arms and she couldn’t look at me.  Just whimpered.  The drive home, I had her on my lap, lifeless.  Only when we turned into our street did her head pop up and she started to cry.  I lifted her from the car and she walked into the house.  Remarkably, she made it to her favorite spot, climbing tentatively onto the kitchen table, from where she didn’t move.  And, as for the homemade dog food, she wasn’t even interested in that…. With difficulty, I let her be.  

Taking her to bed with me, I held and stroked her through the night.  Her breathing was congested and the snoring kept me up.  Finally, she managed to pee this morning.  And, when I shed a tear, she licked my face.  Sage has backed off in the attention-seeking department.  He’s stable, for now.  Lev needs all our love, and she’s going to get it!

Other blog posts about Lev and Sage, and the canine-human bond and health matters, include:

• Lessons from 2008: Canine Confidence and Coincidence Cure (January 1, 2009)
• Home for the Holidays! Sick Puppy Alert: When Two Dogs are Better than One. (December 25, 2008)
• Homemade Dog Food: Synchronicity, Health, Quality (November 22, 2008)
• 48-Hours of Caring for Sick and Elderly. Sage Makin, Little Wonder-Dog’s Recovery in Images (November 10, 2008)
• One to One at Apple: Customer Satisfaction and Doggies Included (July 26, 2008)
• Older Dogs’ Health Watch (July 10, 2008)
• Artists Need Moral Support—and Caninekind Offers the Best (May 5, 2008)
• Veterinary Emergencies (April 2, 2008)
• Every Art Studio Needs a Watch-Dog (April 10, 2008)
• Sunbathing DOGS (March 12, 2008)

 

Forgiveness
A state of mind
More about you than me

Forgiveness
Nothing to do with stuff you may say I’ve done
That about which others, more savvy, might not have thought

Silences alienate
Anger bursts annihilate

Reason, too often not there
Do you really care?

You, not me

You, the one holding the grudge
You, the one whom it’s impossible to nudge

How upset you are is not what things are really about
Or your pout

Forgiveness
A state of mind
Distinguishes the difficult from the kind

Let another live, calmly, their life
Evaporate strife

Realize no one is perfect

We all make mistakes
And we all need breaks

Distance and time
Willingness and compensation
Altruism and imagination

Sometimes matters repair
Sometimes they induce heavier care

"Forgiveness," an 11-letter word
From word to action…

 

Kind gestures finally seem to matter more than material gifts, in part because of the economy, in part because there’s no substitute for healthful human connection.  This holiday season, I baked cookies for friends, neighbors, and neighborhood businesses.  These were genuinely appreciated.  Home-made—no matter how basic, like chocolate chip cookies—shows you care, and that you’ve put precious time aside to do so, beyond the actual gift-giving act or purchase.  During the planning and creation process, it just feels good to know that there can be simpler ways to make others happy.  The more impersonal and alienating/lonely the world becomes, the harder we have to try…

Who cares, and who doesn’t?  You might be surprised and disappointed to find out, especially at peak moments. 

Peak moments are special circumstances (like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebrations).  Peak moments can also be times of difficulty:  sickness, loss, disappointment—not health, gain, and happiness.

As we exit the "season of giving" it’s good timing to reflect on our own behavior, as well as others’.  "Do unto others as we would wish to have done unto us" is a familiar cliché," one that may seem increasingly hard to have ring true.  Until something happens to us, ourselves, we might not get that jolt—the jolt that is humbling.  As we stumble, we want another to help catch our fall.  But, there’s not always anyone there—anyone we can count on that is.

Four main personality types appear obvious:  Doers, Talkers, Nosey-Pokes, and Nothingers:

• Doers do, no need to talk about it, in advance or afterwards. They surprise and delight, excuses not necessary.  Doers might owe us nothing.  We can owe them everything.

• Talkers talk, but seldom come through—do or give to anyone else except themselves.

• Nosey-Pokes like to know what’s happening.  "Talking" and "doing" are not really their concerns.  Information check-ins help keep them in the loop—provide scoop/fuel for gossip, but little more.

• Nothingers don’t do, talk, or nose.  They simply aren’t interested in any way—unless it’s about them.

Friends you thought were friends might prove they’re not.  Strangers fill in the blanks, and beyond.  Expectations lead to disappointments.  Disappointments lead to expectations.  At peak moments, we’re likely to realize all of this, and more…

Good caring others may be found once we stop pursuing and/or grieving for those who aren’t.

Earlier related blog posts include:

• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

Thanksgiving already a memory, the Christmas holidays are almost upon us.  No matter the holiday, house guests are usually involved.  How they behave (or don’t) can help make or break a happy home.

Some guests are house-trained.  Others are not, but can be coaxed.  Here’s a checklist of some essentials:

1.  Bring a gift (no matter how small, or homemade). Tokens of a appriectiation count.
2. "Thank you" matters.  Call or write within a couple of days.
3.  Strip/change the bed and gather up linens and towels for laundry, and/or replace with fresh ones before leaving (if not using your own).
4.  Clean the bathroom that you have been using (especially if it’s one that’s been for your exclusive use).
5.  Eat, drink, and enjoy without taking advantage.  If you know your needs are greater/different than what the host(s) can provide, come prepared or assist with filling the fridge, as necessary.
6.  Tidy up after yourself.  Even if you’re messy at home, try harder not to be elsewhere.  
7.  Know the "rules of the house."  If shoes are supposed to be taken off inside, they are supposed to be taken off inside.  If lights don’t need to be on in every room, lights don’t need to be on in every room…
8.  Be helpful.  Better than asking what you can do to help, take initiative, and do what’s needed to help.  If it’s garbage day, make sure that’s not overlooked.  If the host has a headache and might need a cup of tea, make one.

If you are not invited to stay again, perhaps check the list given above to help determine why.

Other blog posts about consideration and/or social etiquette include:

 • Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• Reliability, Vulnerability, Fear (October 8, 2008)
• Mixed Messages and Contradictions (September 29, 2008)
• PLAY NICE—Near and Far! (John Edwards too… (August 13, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (February 1, 2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
•  “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)

p.s. Reader feedback on this post has been interesting.  One suggestion has been to add a "point number 9"—"If the host gets upset with you for any reason, react calmly and don’t engage their frustration."  Let’s also wonder why a host might get upset, and if certain hosts can be too hard to please!

Some face disappointments better than others, especially when they’re not alone.  Last week, Anne Curry spoke graciously about the Today Show team’s decision to discontinue their climb up Kilimanjaro.  Disappointing as it was, she appeared heartened by the experience.  Taking into account the well-being of everyone in the group of five had clearly been bonding, rewarding, and energizing.  Out of negativity can come positivity, especially if peers help cope with, share, and determine consequences.  Having to act, think, and feel by oneself (no support, discussion, or empathy) is a lot more challenging.

With respect to the Today Show’s Kilimanjaro ascent, it is not unusual that the group might not have made it to the top.  Regardless of poor weather conditions, and the extra responsibilities covering a story gave, statistics show that only 50% of those who set out do finish the climb.

If facing disappointment alone, what might help?

1.  Follow-up—having something else to which it’s possible to look forward
2.  Being prepared in advance—knowing (available) options, possibilities, and alternatives
3.  Aftercare—the ability to focus on other interests and distractions
4.  Knowing the odds—realistic expectations and keeping things in perspective
5.  Strangers making (helpful) approaches out-of -the-blue
6.  Family and friends not adding to letdowns
7.  Time—for healing, reflection, and reconnection
8.  Surprises—being open to coincidences and outcomes that might help lead to fresh opportunities

Earlier blog entries about other life-challenges (and stress-reaction-generators and -protectors), include:

• Veterans Day and SHARING (November 11, 2008)
• Secondhand Stress: Breaking-Up and Making-Up, “Frienemies,” and “Used-to-be-Friend” Types (November 16, 2008)
• Solo Travel (October 22, 2008)
• Reliability, Vulnerability, Fear (October 8, 2008)
• Airport News Stands: Jennifer Aniston, “Straggler Single”: Uncommon Attention, Common Problems. (Poetry about Dating and Related Blog Entry Links Included) (August 22, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• No “PLEASE,” No “THANK-YOU,” No HAPPY (May 30, 2008)
• 24/7 (April 19, 2008)
• In Anticipation of VALENTINE’S DAY, Singles Included (February 13, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• February FUNK (February 3, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (Februrary 1,2008)
• Dating Games and Disappointments, On- and Off-Line: Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker Helps Identify Obstacles to Relationship-Making (January 25, 2008)
• DEPRESSION ALERT! and Heath Ledger’s Unfortunate Death (January 24, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• The COURAGE to Speak Up—Use POETRY (July 10, 2007)
• “A” and “B” List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• COMPARISON-MAKING, ENVY, JEALOUSY (June 23, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• SLEEP Issues (May 20, 2007)
• “MOTHER’S Day” for the Disconnected (May 16, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• FAMILIARITY (March 12, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• No-Partum Depression (NPD)—Not “Celebrity Gossip” Worthy (February 18, 2007)
• Notes on a Scandal: SINGLE and Living Vicariously (February 12, 2007)
• SINGLE Woman Syndrome (SWS) (January 30, 2007)
• Bad DATE Indicators (January 22, 2007)
• SINGLES’ Health: Eating Alone (January 14, 2007)
• SINGLE and Not Settling (December 29, 2006)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)
• Loss (November 19, 2006)

Earlier blog entries about the Today Show’s Kilimanjaro climb:

• Will "Today Show’s” Anne Curry Reach the Summit? No Live Camera Footage on Day Two of Reporting from Kilimanjaro, Just Inspiration and Conservation
(November 18, 2008)
• Tricks And Secrets For Making It To The Top: The Truth About Ascending Kilimanjaro By Someone Who’s Done It. “Today Show’s Anne Curry Struggling”—Dramatic Headline Tops Google Searches Yesterday (November 18, 2008)
• Anne Curry Climbs Kilimanjaro: Today Show Goes to the Ends of the Earth to Examine Life-Sustaining Sources of Water and Threats to Them. Preparing to Climb Kilimanjaro? Check DocSusan’s Blog (November 17, 2008)

 

Anne Curry spoke by phone (live) from Kilimanjaro, today. Yes, breathing might be difficult, but wireless connections do work almost all the way to the top.  Many guides have cell phones, and chat and text frequently, while taking breaks!

How is Anne really doing?  Something viewers, and the other presenters, are clearly wondering.  Her voice definitely sounds like she’s experiencing altitude sickness.  Also, she must be fatigued from the climb, and the thinner air makes it difficult to speak normally.  Despite this, it’s obvious her spirits are high, as she confirmed.  What an accomplishment—not only to participate on the ascent, but to work as hard as she has done by bringing us such insightful, unique, and careful reporting, regardless of obstacles!*

The MSNBC crew are now at 15,700 feet, where, we’re told, they will have several days to adjust and relax.  Rest, perseverance, and teamwork, will, hopefully, see them through!  In my experience, the last 4,000 feet come more easily, thanks to the added benefits of Diamox, hand-warmers, adrenaline, warm clothes and water, and lots of faith.  Also, very important to know, Tanzanian guides and porters are incredible!

 

Be assured, each climber will be assisted and/or encouraged every step of the way from here on in—and checked with a pulse oximeter, frequently!  Also, please know that when I made it to the top on my own climb, I wasn’t able to take any photos or video footage.  The agony—and ecstasy—were simply too great!

All the best to Anne and her team. Even if the Today Show climbers don’t make it all the way, they’ve still given us a wonderful gift.  * The focus on water conservation—the real purpose of the trip—has been inspiring!  Most people who climb Kilimanjaro return home with life-changing/saving ideas, that hopefully will translate into actions, big or small.  I made a personal list, shared in a blog piece entitled, Lessons from Kilimanjaro (January 11, 2008). 

For further information on climbing Kilimanjaro, and firsthand accounting, please check out other earlier blog entries, listed in yesterday’s (November 17, 08) blog piece:  Anne Curry Climbs Kilimanjaro: “Today Show” Goes to the Ends of the Earth to Examine Life-Sustaining Sources of Water and Threats to Them.

For further details on how to become more "green," please check out NBC Universal’s Green Your Routine links.

Two weeks ago, I was at Wholefoods (Hazelton Lanes) and discovered Pom’s new line of lighter tea drinks.  They were $3.99 each.  A little pricey, I thought.  Last week, I was at Loblaws (Bathurst and St. Clair) and found the same drinks for $2.99 each—one dollar less. Not a small amount!  Last night, back at Wholefoods, I noticed a display of Pom Teas close to the cash, obviously for last-minute/impulse purchases. This prompted me to ask a Wholefoods team member if they "price-matched."  Instead of simply saying, "No," she volunteered three reasons whey they don’t:  (1) They are good to their employees, and start them off at $2.50 more an hour than anywhere else. (2) They offer food samples. (3) Customers can bring food back after tasting it if they don’t like it.  She then told me to wait a minute while she checked with team leaders. Naively, I wondered if a one-time goodwill discount was being arranged. On the contrary!  Another fact was transmitted as to why Loblaws is more price-smart.  Apparently, they have 1200 stores…and Wholefoods is unique in Yorkville.  Exiting Wholefoods, a little perplexed by the justifications, I looked back over my shoulder and witnessed sniggering team members. I’d like to hope that the price issue, and my raising it, wasn’t cause for their amusement.

The Today Show looked at a new buzz subject this morning, "secondhand stress"—the not being able to sleep at night because of worrying about other peoples’ problems.  This terminology is catchy, like "secondhand smoke."  But, "secondhand smoke," which is exactly that, is easier to define accurately. "Secondhand stress," when thought about carefully, could have extended and/or alternative meanings.  How others’ problems make us worry (about them) might not be as serious as how others (problematic) behavior (towards us) can give us our own fresh problems—first-, as well as secondhand, stress.  

Our interactions with other people, and the relationships they help make or break are key determinants of well-being.  Think about the ends of friendships and the misunderstandings and lack of resolution attached to them.  These can come about because of one person’s own (unrelated) issues, and actually have very little do with the other person at all.  Unfortunately, few ex-friends who instigate break-ups, provide chances for clarification.

"Friend A," who is typically quick to anger, jealousy, or assumption, might eliminate  "Friend B" instantly, no leeway for discussion or explanation.  In the aftermath, "Friend B" wonders what’s hit him.  What did he do wrong?  Perhaps nothing.  But, the ongoing stress from the loss of the friendship that seems impossible to repair still nags and gnaws.  Then there’s "passive aggression" in ongoing "friendships."  "Friend A" bottles things up for a long time, not telling "Friend B" what’s wrong. Instead, he acts out in different ways that make "Friend B" feel uncomfortable or unable to get things right.  Intentionally, or not, "Friend A" may be a bit of a "manipulator."  However, most "manipulators" often set out with a plan from the start, and "passive aggression" is often more unconscious than contrived.  Secrecy, is something else, and another friendship-barrier.

There’s a lot to say about how others make us feel, and how we handle our responses to stress generated by interactions with "used-to-be-friends".  This blog entry focuses on categorizing and listing the "frienemy-types" that can boost (secondhand) stress levels, as suggested in the scenarios just described:  

1.  The Quick-Ender:  This "frienemy" has a short fuse, quickly ignited by jealousy, anger, and/or assumption.  Being friends with this person can be an interesting/passionate ride, so long as they are on your side. However, once they develop a "hate," stand clear. If they do agree to talk things through, they won’t have much of a listening ear.  Their quickness to judgment is a bit of a handicap, and they’ll have to be right, and you’ll have to wrong…

2.  The Bottler:  This "frienemy" might not know how to act differently, and prefer to swathe in self-defensive behaviors that don’t bode well for open and adaptable friendships.  Bottling is a lengthy process, and preserved foods have shelf life.  What’s been happening over (an extended) period of time can’t be repaired in an instant.  Habits have formed, which may be hard to break, and expectations (and disappointments) linger.  The person who doesn’t seem like a troublemaker may actually cause more anguish than imaginable…

3.  The Controller:  This "frienemy" might not have been open or true from the start, having a one-sided notion of  "friendship requirements."  Most friendships, like it or not, happen on a "needs" basis.  "A" offers  "B" something, "B" offers "A" something.  There’s overlapping "interests" or "connection possibilities."  Friendships that don’t give "returns" mightn’t be valuable enough for "controllers" to maintain:  "friends" who can’t be made to do something are no longer "friends."  Self-esteem may determine how long manipulation can be endured—no one likes a "bully" but a "bully" often finds ways to stick around (especially when others are weak)…

4.  The Secretive:   This "frienemy" has "boundaries" that are extreme or unnecessary.  Caring and sharing are natural components of healthy friendships.  Not disclosing relevant information and keeping secrets jeopardizes and destroys potential to take things to the next level.  "Holding-patterns" don’t work.  When one person does all the talking and the other all the listening (and questioning), there’s an imbalance.  This doesn’t always happen because the talker is self-absorbed.  The listener simply wishes to keep the focus on the other person as a way of avoiding questions about his "own stuff"…

We don’t usually know, right away, how a friendship will play out—whether or not there’ll be problems with a "Quick-Ender," "Bottler," "Controller," or "Secretive" type.  But, like with other life-circumstances, before a final fallout, there are often warning signs, to which we may, or may not, pay attention.  So, when friendships are dissolved, there may be a lot more pain than surprise.  Also, making (satisfying) peace with the types listed above isn’t, generally, a viable option. 

Earlier Blog Entries about Friendship include:

• "A" and "B" List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

Earlier Blog Entries about Relationship Stressors Include:

• Mixed Messages and Contradictions (September 29, 2008)
• PLAY NICE—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (February 1, 2008)
• RELATIONSHIP “Uppers” and “Downers” (January 29, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• Handle with CARE—IDENTIFY, EXPOSE, and GET HELP for Those Who Can Do Harm (like at Virginia Tech) (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)

Veterans, or Rememberance, Day is a good time to think of others, not just ourselves—see how we can give a helping hand, even (and especially) if there’s no (obvious) direct return.

SHARING

Sharing’s not a gift or bonus
Simply a necessity
What makes the world go round
Helps put us on solid ground

If we share, we care
If we care, we’re nice

Too much ice, and winter’s not even here
What’s the fear?

Be generous however you can
Not always with money or material things

No strings
Gratitude and platitude much more brings

Knowing that you’ve not held back
Keeps everyone on the right track

That you could have done more
Doesn’t even the score, keeps everyone poor

Share because you care
Care because you share
The order doesn’t matter
I’s the doing that counts
Regardless of amounts

A little extra kindness can’t be bought
Another life-lesson taught.
 

What is 50?  Fifty can be a face—a face that tells a story, a life that’s half a century long.  Here’s a recent portrait I painted—one that marks the 50-milestone.

 

Portraiture is a very personal process (for artist as much—and even more so—than sitter).  You get to know the subject a little better—come to read between the lines (no pun intended), see where their truth might lie then stress what can show them in best light.  

Portraiture is magical. It’s not a photograph. Interpretation and revelation are meaningful. Those who are able to view carefully pick up energies—recognize limitations, wonders, and a whole lot more.  It’s a terrific feeling to be able to present someone else’s best face to the world, especially on canvas.

 

Juxtapositions are interesting… 

Ellen DeGeneres paid tribute to Heath Ledger at the end of her show, Wednesday January 23 08.  This was piggybacked onto the joviality of her not-to-be-forgotten 50th birthday celebrations.  The gearshift, I felt, was awkward. I am a huge fan of Ellen, and think she’s very good at getting her fans and other celebrities involved.  I was, however, a little surprised with the extended birthday hoopla.  First there was her own 18-day countdown.  Then others, like the TV.com Community added to the hype with additional tribute pages.  And, of course, there were "surprises" from other well-knowns, like Justin Timberlake, episode-after-episode…  

We do feel better about ourselves when others are there to celebrate milestones with us. That’s clear.  Even those who protest they don’t want a party might be relieved and delighted when one is made for them.  But, what about all those others reaching similar milestone days that don’t have Ellen’s networking capacity or publicity operation? How many of them might be home alone for birthdays—not in celebratory mood, or able to feel quite as good about themselves?  

A quick Google search on the subject of 50th birthdays and Ellen’s led to an on-line contest, "Help Ellen Degeneres Celebrate her 50th Birthday."  The grand prize winner was getting a VIP trip to Los Angeles to help Ellen celebrate, by attending the filming of her show.  Again, more about and for Ellen. Ellen really is fabulous, and she does an abundance of nice things for others. However, sometimes, there’s a point at which (perceived) vanity can become insanity.  Instead of another offering for Ellen, could there not have been an ideal opportunity here for the Ellen team to help create awareness that not everyone has her current good fortune to be out there and loved as much as she is? (Maybe there was, maybe I missed it?) 

Also, let’s not forget that even those who are out there and loved, like Heath Ledger (was), might have other difficulties (be in need of different types of support). Ellen did have her own challenging days 10 years back. Though it’s good not to dwell on transitional periods, it’s always nice to remember, when things are going better for you, that others might not be quite as advantaged—or happy.  A little attention can go a long way.  A lot of attention can go too far, even with those we admire.

On October 16 (today), the Portrait Society of Canada has a studio day at Toronto Arts and Letters Club.  This will be a nice chance to reconnect through art-making, before its "The Miracle of the Portrait" Portrait Arts Festival and Competition (December 4 - 7, 09).  Recently, another of my "sharings" was included on the Artists Talk page of the Portait Society’s website. It is pasted below:

When I saw people for therapy, I had a sliding scale.  Different individuals had different needs (emotionally and financially). I tried to accommodate as far as possible, understanding circumstances and limitations.  Artwork, not surprisingly, seems to have sliding scales too.  That said, you can’t please all of the people (and yourself) all of the time. There is a point when too low is too low.  For instance, should a $2000 painting be reduced to $750 if it is a commission and you have a "soft spot" for the clients involved?  If you know they don’t have the means this is easier. (If they do have the means, it’s another matter.)  Then there’s those who like to spend more on the frame than the piece.  Again, a whole other story… Priorities, pressures, and obstacles are case specific, of course.  

What about the time, energy, and materials you have put in, as a professional (not for a hobby)? Are you worth a couple of cents an hour or more?  Is what you’ve created a "labor of love," or "slave labor"? Is a work of $2000 being sought for $750 as a bargain?  Or, should you create another piece that ’s more price-adjustable—a $750 work that really has a  $750 value?  Will it still be as pleasing and purchasable?  

Who and what really determines worth and appropriateness?  And, what about fairness, honesty, and trust?  Artwork has a sentimental, as well as investment/ commercial value. Also, instinct can blend with business savvy, or remain distinct.  We all (should) have our price points, as well as integrity and pride. And, of course, there’s experience too.  Capacities and expectations, however, may vary, for buyer as well as seller. And, cliché as it sounds, pride shouldn’t come before a fall.  Hardly surprising the term "starving artist" is so well known and a common reality.  Do others have hard and fast rules for how to deal with those who try to price adjust and bargain down? When does reasonable haggling become insulting?  When do you prefer to hold onto a piece rather than sell it at any price?

For more on related subject matter, please check out my "Candid Artistic Ramblings"  on the DocSusan website in the artist’s galleries section.

Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) starts tonight.  When the "gates" close at sunset tomorrow a New Year will begin, contemplation (and repentance time) shoved to the back-burner for many. 

Trying to remain mindful and careful year-round isn’t always easy—perhaps why three simple words seem to get growing attention:  "reliability," "vulnerability," and "fear."  They highlight problems many of us encounter daily.  They also point to short-comings (our own as well as others’).  Here are a few snapshots of how, told through acrostic poetry:

Reliability

Ready, willing, and able
Efficiency matters
Linked to what you do—or don’t
Impression stands for something
Actions too
But not everyone plays fair
Integrity matters, or so you’d hope
Letting things go
"I" counts more than "you," "he," "she," "they", or, "we"
Tales to tell
Yes, a slide in values, symptomatic of our times, but no excuse

Vulnerability

Very open
Unguarded
Lots to tell
Not always to the right people
Excitement and energy often misplaced
Reason and rationality lacking
Anxious, maybe as a result
Brave, but losing it
Irritated by consequences
Left out, regardless how much shared
Intimidated
Tense
Yearning

Fear

False impressions of what might be
Emotions taking over, justifiably and not
Ahhhhh!  It wasn’t so bad after all
Relief, thinking about it is worse than actually doing it

Guilt hovers for all types of reasons.  Some manage to feel guilty without cause. Others don’t (appear to) feel guilty, but should.  Conscience is a determining factor.  Even if we deceive others, we still have to live with ourselves! 

G U I L T

Got away with it before

Unbelievable but true

Innocence too often punished

Lying lets others down

Time takes care of injustices…eventually

(You may get caught!)

If not then,
When?

If not now
How?

If not this situation
The next?

Those who hurt us (seem to) get away with what they’ve done too often. Or, do they? The high of duping others can, ultimately, be followed by the low of them being able to offer no more excuses—followed by a lack of leniency from those able to invoke retribution.  

It looks like there may be no way out for OJ Simpson this time around.  He may have "got away with murder" 13 years ago, but can’t seem to get away with "kidnapping and armed robbery" now.  A "lesser crime," a greater sentence…

It’s wrong to wish ill on somebody else.  But, it’s hard not to feel relief when obvious (and repeat) offenders push their luck and things don’t pan out for them.  In business, dating, or en famille, certain individuals have a way of taking advantage of others.  If discovered, they may attempt to convince that their ruses are out of character, or provoked.  Also, when people get away with something once, they often try to get away with it again…and again.  No matter how good their stores get, where’s the glory?!

This is a blog piece I hesitated to post.  Could it upset, disappoint, or depress readers?  How might you perceive me as writer?  Regardless, it felt right to go ahead.  I thought and thought again…  Though the artwork and intentions of this site are positive, for the most part, being real and confronting the uncomfortable is an essential part of who I am.  Sometimes, it’s not possible to gloss over strong sentiments (even if they appear negative or disappointing). Everything we show can help us (and others) grow! Anthony Hopkins as C. S. Lewis, in the movie Shadowlands, states, "We read to know we are not alone." (1993).  I write to know this too!  Fifteen years later this simple movie-line still has powerful meaning.  Perhaps, that’s what compels me to share the following poem with you.

FAITH

Feelings we have
Attachments we make
Intuition to guide, or not
Trust earned, or undone
Habits and happenings

Faith…
What is it really?

To have and to hold, or so we’ve been told
Or not…

To give us drive, make us feel alive
Or the opposite?

Faith…

Some live by it
Others would like to
Many find it impossible

Believing and grieving
Striving and diving

A day to wonder and worry
Conscience and consciousness

Some things don’t make sense
Others are full of pretense

The seemingly good others among us aren’t
Those with the best qualifications can’t

Let-downs abound
Those who’ve tried hardest drowned

Expectations and disappointments
Anxieties and concerns

Many, many burns

Dusting oneself off
Keeping things in perspective
Ever reflective

Quelling those rambling thoughts
The ones that slap us in the face
Slow down our pace

Trying, yet again, to start fresh
A new year
A new way
On track to stay

Ah, if it were as simple as it sounds
Ah, if we weren’t responsible for our surrounds
And those with whom we’ve attached—by choice, slip-up, or destiny

The people we’ve trusted
The hopes we’ve had
The dreams unrealized

The feeling stuck
Face in muck

Kicked instead of caressed
Naked, but not undressed

Those who’ve taken advantage
And those who’ve had advantage taken

Wrong isn’t right
And right shouldn’t seem so wrong

Spirits lowered
Disappointments showered

Inspiration sought
What matters can’t be bought

I opted not to go to synagogue for Rosh Hashana. It didn’t feel right.  Instead, quiet contemplation stimulated this poem.

Though we’d like to think and believe the best, not all rabbis are "good."  Nor are all regular  "good people."  Hypocrisy and double standards are an unfortunate norm in every organized religion at every level—as well as among friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and family.  (And, let’s not forget in business and politics!)  Though many folk are afraid to see or state it, sometimes it’s hard not to wonder:  "What’s the point? Who can you really trust that’s not just out for themselves, regardless of their position and responsibilities?  Who are the ’show-men’ and ’show-women’ (the ‘insinceres’) in our lives?"

Rosh Hashanah (the head of the year) can be many things to many people.  Generally, it’s marked by ritual and family gatherings.  However, like Christmas, Valentine’s Day, weddings, birthdays, and other (intentended to be) ceremonious times, the "spiritual" isn’t always what’s obvious, or triggers (questioning and distressing) thoughts and responses.  There are always those who feel uncomfortable—left out, or struggling with memories and associations that aren’t happy.  They can sense no genuine point of connection or healthy attachment, despite repeated effort.  Being able to be mindful of this, as well as caring towards individuals in our circles who could be struggling (and left "faithless") is truly a mitzvah (good deed)—some might even say "miraculous."

p.s. The movie, Shadowlands, touched a lot of people in a variety of other ways. Further commentaries on this are shared elsewhere.

As Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) approaches (starting tonight), all kinds of "mental clean-up" decisions get made.  There’s no better time, than now, to clear upsets and "make nice."

When others don’t know what they want, it’s better to give them space and not get caught up in their vicissitudes of the moment.  We all need to see the light sooner or later.  But, everyone’s light won’t go on at the same time.  Some lights flicker, others act as motion-detectors.  Many need new bulbs.

Often, we can only count on our own power source.  When others send mixed messages, we need to think about moving on, however hard that is to do, and as this poem hints:

Contradiction

Contradiction
An affliction

One thing said, another done
One thing thought, another wanted

You don’t see, others can
You don’t know, others will

Real you wanting to get out
Real you wanting to shout

Needing it all
Has you stall

Going against the tide
Not about pride

A bigger picture is clear
Not in touch with what is dear

Self matters
But so do others

Self knows
Frustration grows

Back and forth
Forth and back

Knowing what’s right
But keeping up the fight

Others see
Others change

Fair exchange
Or so you’d think…

Always carry your own flashlight as back-up, and you won’t be caught in the dark.  Others’ power surges shouldn’t flatten your batteries…

 

Earlier this month, I paid renewals for my my driver’s license and vehicle plate.  Funny, the envelope that was mailed to me with the forms for these didn’t include anything about a new $60 Toronto resident’s tax.  Since I’d been out-of-town a lot over the summer, I thought I might have missed news coverage of it.  Apparently not.  Most agree this one got snuck in without hoopla. Astonishing?  Or, Perhaps we’re all paying too much attention to US politics?

At College Park’s (long-lined) Ontario Service Counter, there was no explanatory literature, or prominent signage.  The only thing necessary to know, it seemed, was that if you didn’t pay up there and then you couldn’t make the other renewals.  Employees working at the counter weren’t afraid to mention that they didn’t agree with the tax (they’d be paying it too).  When I got home, I pulled up a September 1 (08) Globe ad Mail article which offered more details. Then, when speaking to friends and acquaintances who drive in Toronto but live in the suburbs, their snigger wasn’t surprising.  This extra charge didn’t apply to them!

From Sarah Palin’s lipstick to John McCain serenely placing his rose on the September 11 memorial at Ground Zero, while Barack Obama appeared to toss his, most of us (myself included) have been more engaged with what’s been happening on the other side of the border than with local politics and consequences. (Please check out the drinks menu at the Gladstone’s Melody Bar, in the photo above.)

Let’s remember that Canada has its own (40th) Federal Election October 14, 08. Americans might not know about this, but many Canadians don’t either…  On its eve, it seems, the Conservatives have been chopping arts funding right, left, and center. This fact may influence artists’ votes!

p.s. Regular readers might remember my Potty Pots in Rosedale (three-entry) series, from last year. Elections in Canada, it appears, can coincide with interesting displays of how tax payers’ money is allocated, locally as well as nationally. (For more links, please check out the third entry in the series: Potty Post in Rosedale, Part Three—As Elections Near, September 15, 2007).

Fed up with Air Transat’s/Thomas Cooke’s Toronto-Manchester (UK) service (described in a previous blog entry, Charter Flights, May 26, 08), I’ve been fortunate to be able to try a different Manchester-bound routing.  Happening to be in Chicago last month, I flew BMI from there to Manchester, direct (and back).  The results were positive:  a more comfortable plane, friendlier crew, better baggage allowance and food, a nice variety of free magazines, personal entertainment systems in each seat, and less fuss at booking and check-in, also 20-minute early arrivals (both ways) with speedy baggage delivery.

The only disappointment was Chicago O’Hare’s International Terminal, where there are limited nutrition options once you go through security. (Bring your own food!)  Toronto’s renovated Pearson can definitely set an example here (if you are up for paying the price).  BMI doesn’t have a Toronto service, unfortunately. 

Interesting to note:  BMI crew stay at the Holiday Inn, Chicago Mart Plaza—another favorite of mine!

Portia de Rossi was asked about the best (relationship) advice she’d been given prior to her wedding with Ellen de Generes.  Recorded in a People Magazine’s September 1 08 exclusive about their nuptials, she said it came from Wayne Dyer:

"’ Just be kind to each other and be very respectful and considerate.’"

Whether for romantic/intimate relationships, or between friends (close or not), similar "rules" apply.  Kindness, respect, and consideration matter.  Cliché but true, "By doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves, we can each, in our own special ways, help to make the world a better place, two (people) at a time.

Possible relationship-glitches (listed in random order) come from "happiness blockers" like:

1.  Over-attention to "me" not "we"

2.  Secrecy and manipulation

3.  Jealousy and envy

4.  Broken promises and elusiveness/evasiveness

5.  Lies and deception

6.  Game-playing and mixed messages

7.  Quickness to anger and judgment

8.  "Me" first

Even if someone else treats you badly, or you feel jaded or pessimistic, these are not good enough excuses for acting out/treating others unfairly.  Life is short and precious, and most of us are looking for the same basics—to love and be loved.  How we get there (if we are at all able to), might not be quite as simple or definable, unfortunately.

Possible relationship-glitch-fixers (listed in random order) include "happiness unblockers" like:

1.  Greater attention to an "us"

2.  Openness and consultation/frequent friendly "check-ins"

3.  (Personal) contentment and (genuine) goodwill to others

4.  Word-keeping and being upfront

5.  Honesty and directness

6.  Playing fair and being clear—keeping everyone’s well-being in mind

7.  Patience and flexibility

8.  "You" first

Earlier blog entries on related subjects include:

• Play Nice—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)

• Manipulation (August 9, 2008)

• No "Please," No "Thank-You," No "Happy" (May 30, 2008)

• Reciprocity (Feb 8, 2008)

• Confidence (Feb1, 2008)

• Give to Give (poem) (Sept 5, 2007)

• Too Good to Be True?  It Is! (August 7, 2007)

• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)

• The Courage to Speak Up—Use Poetry (July 10, 2007)

• A and B List Friends (July 8, 2007)

• Make Things Clear—Avoid Misunderstandings (April 17, 2007)

• Abuse Checklists (May 26, 2007)

• Rejection Protection (February 25, 2007)

• Friends Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

• Comparison-Making, Envy, Jealousy (June 23, 06)

Whatever you do that involves others requires a shift from "me" to "we" thinking.  Simple in theory, harder in practice.

Keeping everyone happy—and challenges to that—are usually based on three fundamentals, in most instances. Here is a brief  "how to" overview of fundamentals that seem to matter:

Consider:
1. How and why you’ve come together. Are goals similar?
2. What the rules might be—what’s  right and wrong, ethically, morally, circumstantially.
3. Where clarifications are necessary (if rules are bent), so misunderstandings don’t happen, and one party isn’t misled.

Be:
1. Fair and honest
2. Open and respectful
3. Flexible and considerate

…as best you can.  Most people know when they are taking advantage of someone else, and the person being taken advantage of knows too!  Don’t keep (the idea of) a relationship going at any cost in the hope that it’ll get better—because you’re the one who’ll be paying afterwards.

Upsets come from:
1. Being out of synch/selfishness—one person putting their own needs first (saying and doing differently or vice versa).
2. Expectations of both parties not being expressed or agreed upon (in advance or as they shift).  Avoidance isn’t a solution, just a way to upset someone else.  
3. Distractions being allowed to take over (one person changing their priorities, but not telling the other, and not putting in equal effort).

Long distance relationships have higher stakes and extra obstacles:
1. Trust, openness and communication matter even more.
2. Out of site should not be out of mind. (Excuses are easy!)
3. Practical, financial, and emotional realities are all stretched, tested, and differ.

Bottom lines:
1. It’s not all about you!  Never was!
2. Everyone has limited time and energy. Please don’t waste another’s!
3. Consequences happen.  We might not realize at the time how we affect someone else, but a lot of damage can come about from what might be considered "trivial."  As much as you might not be hurting, someone else could be in agony…

Cliché but apt: "Put the shoe on the other foot!"  We all have hopes and dreams, and it takes courage to make oneself vulnerable—even though life is short, and there are only so many opportunities for happiness.  If you know that you are jeopardizing someone else’s well-being by not being upfront and playing things out because it suits you, think again…

Alas!  If things are "too good to be true," they too often can be…  No matter how one conducts oneself in other circumstnaces (or is seen to be to the oustide world), it’s daily enounters, and opporunities for genuine intimacy that reveal who they really are and can be (or not).
 
The most powerful, wealthy, or good-looking among us have the greatest responsibilities and weaknesses, since they may have more possibilites to get away with things. Because of who they are or what they have (regardless of where it comes from) and their bigger-picture "do good" deeds, they can raise the loudest alarm bells!  Entitlement may be an outcome, but not a justification…  

Though news of the the "John Edwards Sex Scandal" is only just breaking, and details and coverage aren’t all clear, this is just another example of what we see not always being what we get.  Or, what we imagine could be possible (and wonder why not) actually being so.  Role models are hard to find, and "everyday people" imitate and get away with much more (than before) just because they can.  Sad, but true, this is something that’s become almost unremarkable socially.

Those who may be seen to have "less going for them" are invariably more reliable—and better at "playing nice!" On-line daters, take heed when making selections!  What impresses and allures on screen, might not in real life!

These days, individuals can end up more isolated and self-involved than ever, with the shift from a "me-focus" to a "we-focus" proving difficult. Attention of any type, even if it’s harmful, tends to allure. This is when judgment gets clouded and mistakes are made. Age-old problems, like manipulation, take on fresh force.  No matter how technologically savvy we are—how many "friends" we have on Facebook—basic human-to-human "communication glitches" abound. These need to be dealt with in real-world time, and have real-world consequences. 

Manipulation comes from those whom we least suspect and expect  It creeps up and masquerades as kindness and generosity. Then, suddenly, there’s a wakeup call—a financial, emotional, or physical price to pay to the person who claims to be offering assistance/friendship "out of the goodness of their heart." Alas! The one who’d encouraged us to count on them really had their own agenda all along.  But, ultimately, even this manipulator loses too. The relationship needs to be severed and things can never be the same again. Trust and respect is gone, as well as a whole lot more. Time to move on, as this poetic reflection explains…

Dear Manipulator

You were so nice, so kind
I was so blind

You wanted to be there for me
Talk to me
Look out for me
Help me

Solve each and every problem you thought I had
All those things others never noticed

I don’t know where you came from
But suddenly you were there.

You were everywhere

I couldn’t do without you
But, in reality, you couldn’t do without me

I gave you purpose and cause
You thrived on applause
Being wanted, needed, and knowing

The more I tried to disentangle,
The more you tried to strangle

Disengaging was hard to do
Caused me more angst than you know

Disengaging was hard to do
But it enabled me to grow

When self-esteem is down and we don’t have adequate support networks, we are all the more vulnerable and susceptible to those who survive/thrive on manipulative behavior.  Manipulatolrs usually seek attention to help assuage their own wounds, longings, and lackings.  Exagerated gestures and finding ways to become indispensable may be a ploy to help the manipulator appear valuable to others, as well as important in the wider world.  But, tension mounts when the manipulated feels trapped or deceived.  Self-protection (hopefully) kicks in.  Breaking free takes courages.  It also leads to loss. But loss leads to learning.  Know better for next time!

Earlier blog entries that discuss related topics include:

Reciprocity, Feb 8, 2008

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006

An evening stroll along one of Newport’s beaches, last Friday night, led us to a sandcastle.  From the front, it was a work of art.

Around the back, there was a marriage proposal inscribed (to which the answer was "yes," of course)

The shore line and waves looked pink, as did seaweed deposits washed up there—part of the red tide phenomenon.  

Then there were the clams; their shells, at least.  Gulls were fat, happy, and plentiful!

 

Summertime in Canada, (particularly Ontario), at first glance, seems to divide the population into two:  those who have cottages and those who don’t.  Those who have cottages enjoy miles of private shorelines.  Those who don’t can find it hard to gain access to a lot of areas—no parking allowed without resident permit and scant public facilities.  Even when a beach is public, regulations can be prohibitive—with limited hours, no pets, parking and entry charges, and more. A  Sunday afternoon trip to West Kirby, last month, prompted me to think about summertime phenomena and marvel at the old-world charm and simplicity of the setting—few obvious restrictions and daytrip fun for all without fees or memberships.  Please look below to glimpse (on-going) pleasures of British yesteryear:  families, dogs, adult kids, fisherman, and sailors welcome.

 

 

Earlier this week, I was excited to be part of a quartet that attended Dirty Dancing, at the Royal Alex Theatre in Toronto.  We took advantage of a mid-week special (four tickets for the price of three), making a spontaneous same-day purchase.  Sometimes, the best night’s entertainment happens when you don’t have long-term plans for it, but break routine.

Not only were the sets and costumes superb, but the cast was consistent and well-chosen.  This wasn’t the kind of show that had you wondering when the interval was going to happen. And beyond the actual performance, we were also struck by deeper story-lines, like that of a nuclear family with two adult-children.  

Siblings often have distinct personalities (and outcomes), and the daughters, Frances and Lisa, were excellent examples of this.  Sometimes, one child can be seen to do no wrong, and the other child, no right.  One has "higher goals" and she is misunderstood. The other ’s behavior is less commendable, but she’s more likely to get away with it (though not grow from her mistakes).  Also, parents often seem to forget their own pasts when making suppositions and demonstrating differential treatment.  Not knowing (or attempting to learn) all the facts, and making judgments for the wrong reasons can be problematic, unless non-family members have a chance to intervene.

Though much of the music was familiar, and there was a strong urge to want to go home and get dancing lessons, this staging of Dirty Dancing, it was clear, offered more than the immediately obvious.  Seeing the movie years ago, I’d been more focused on visual and auditory effects.  This time around (perhaps helped by the stellar performances of the leads) it was refreshing to be able to consider deeper messages and meanings. Lively afer-show discussion ensued!

I have been touched, today, by all the remarkable tributes to Tim Russert, NBC Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press.  Most Sunday mornings, his voice has been "background entertainment" while I’ve done household chores.  He was a fixture whom it was hard to imagine wouldn’t grace television news and debate well into old age. 

Tim’s sudden heart attack yesterday was yet another reminder to all of us that life is precious and we can’t have complete control, especially over its endings.  When someone as unique and admired as Tim is gone from our world in moments, without warning or preparation, we are stunned and ache.  From President Bush to regular viewers, everyone seems to have a reflection to offer, a deep fondness for this role model and outstandingly successful professional who remained a very down-to-earth family man and personal friend to so many.  My sincere condolences to all those dear to him.  He will be sorely missed.

At times like this, it’s hard not to think of more private individuals too, and their endings—those who haven’t enjoyed public success or recognition in their lives, those without family and friends who’ve supported and encouraged them. When their time comes, will it be recognized how their lives were meaningful or how much they could be missed?   How might things have played out differently for them, given a chance, voice, or simple luck?

It’s clear that we all leave our mark on the world in different ways, others’ impressions shaped by how we’re remembered or forgotten.  The following poem is dedicated to those who pass in greater silence and anonymity.  Maybe there was more to say about them, but there was no one to say it? Maybe their lives could have been happier and more fulfilled, but there was no one to spur them on? What might they have said if they could have written their own eulogies?  Perhaps this is one possibility?

AFTERWARDS

I was on top of the world
Or so you thought

Had achieved milestones,
Or so you thought

You didn’t know me well
You didn’t want to

You didn’t take me seriously
Though I asked you to…many times

You thought that I had more bounce-back than I did
You thought that I was stronger than I was

You thought that the day would never come
The day when I would succumb

I never did give up
Until now

I never did know how
Until now

I never wanted to
Hung on in the hope that things could change

More active
Less reflective
No, that didn’t work

More reflective
Less active
That didn’t work either

Needed, yes I was
If it was all about you

Admired, yes I was
If I lost myself in what I did

It was all up to me.

"That’s nice!", "Well done!"  "Good for you!" "Great job!" "Keep up the good work!" Kudos is always appreciated, with a little encouragement going a long way.  However, it’s not always forthcoming—especially at times when needed most, and from those we’d like to have issue it.  And then there’s that magical two-word phrase, frequently forgotten, "Thank you!"  

Whether you’ve cooked for dinner guests, made matches between acquaintances, or looked after a friend’s cat, it’s always nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.  But, the more you give out, too often, the less this happens.  Feeling overlooked and taken for granted, continually, can take its toll—make us behave in ways we might not instinctively.  Enter the era of the "cautious" and "jaded."  Sadly, the notion of "once bitten, twice shy", can ring louder than ever.  

Self-absorption, becoming a predominant character trait in western society, today, it’s not surprising that "Please" is missing from many people’s requests.  And, without a "Please," it’s unlikely there’ll be a "Thank you."  Positive change happens one person at a time—personal displays of good manners and respect helping more than might be realized.  Seeing how giving the gift of a "Please," Thank you," or "Well done" can boost someone else’s spirits, can be a great first step in feeling better about yourself too!

Sometimes, a charter is the only way to go, like it or not. Flying during the Christmas rush (unless we have a choice not to) might not be a good idea, as this poem tells…  

The Charter Flight

Screaming, screaming kids
Anxious chatter
Little air
Heavy care

A plane that feels like a cattle truck
Floor full of muck

Toilet worse
The "holiday flying" curse

Crew as kind as can be
Just doing their job

Trying to locate a Dr. on board
Of calamities there’s a hoard

Eventful flight
Calm not in sight

A long eight hours
Bitter morning coffee overpowers

To wake up from a sleep not had
Taste very bad

Knees sore
No space infront

Back bent
Toddler’s kicking behind won’t relent

Is the destination worth the journey?
Or the journey worth the destination?

Hesitation

Drunken woman mouthing off
Good thing we’re landing
Louder and louder she gets

Because she won’t remember
For her, no regrets

And, at Passport Control
Another pushing soul
Sniveling and shifting
Infront of me drifting

Let her go
Manners
Many travelers do not know

Or, under stress
Easier to expect less.

In case you’re wondering which airline this poem was written on, it was Air Transat.

A quick Google search to find other artists’ impressions of Toronto Art Expo (08) led me to the Artists Toronto blog.  After agreeing with some of the commentaries posted there about the event, I thought I’d look into membership.  Sharon Barr welcomed my "application."  What happened next was curious.  10 days later, she sent me a friendly-solicitation for ideas to help grow their site.  Suggestions wanted included the donation of e-mail lists and industry connections as well as initiative to devise a group show.  26 days later, I received an anonymous  "jury" rejection from a personal e-mail address that had the name "Jones" in it. A quick Facebook search enabled me to deduce that It was Stan Jones who’d provided the "glad tidings." It simply stated:  "It is the consensus of our committee that the images you have submitted for approval do not meet the subjective objectives of our committee."  I wasn’t sure what that actually meant, or what they could really be looking for.  All I was aware of were inconsistencies.  Note the time line for communications.  Application, solicitation, rejection.  Also note that they don’t have a 2-week application response turn-around, as posted.  One would expect elitism/run-arounds in the wider art world, but not from a parochial group that touts itself, in correspondence, as a "viable grassroots undertaking." By the way, you’ll find the Artists Toronto blog piece about Toronto Art Expo under the header "The Big Spring Art Shows."  The date given for it, right now, is March 8, 2009.  Of course, we know it must be 2008—and will likely be corrected, eventually.

p.s. Since posting this blog entry, I have received clarification from Mr. Jones about the AT "committee."  Apparently, it has five members (including him).  He states, "’Subjective objectives’ reflect the consensus of our jury in what we feel is a degree of artistic merit that we’re collectively comfortable with.  But it is only our opinion."  Unfortunately, still no explanation of the application, solicitation, rejection procedure.  Only a remark about  familiarity with "entrepreneurial drive."  If they do really intend their site to be "the main connection between Toronto artists and the art loving community" (as announced on their home page), they’ve demonstrated an interesting modus operandi with a target audience.
Perhaps it’s personal artist-artist-friendly experiences in the US, Europe, and beyond that make me all the more sensitive to Toronto artists’ (unnecessary) obstacles.

  

Even after studying beginner Italian for three semesters at the Toronto’s Italian Cultural Institute, and buying a bunch of self-help books and tapes, I wasn’t confident enough to speak the language once in Florence (for the Biennale). However, this didn’t detract from my enjoyment of being there, and sensing what was said and written—taking in the ambiance, mood, and energy. In Italy, la dolce vita (the good life) is energizing, especially when a stark Canadian winter sets in.  At a quick glance, here is some of what seems to matter:  art(s), food, hairdressers, individuality, laughter, playfulness, style, uniqueness

Food tastes different—fruit and vegetables smell like they’re supposed to (haven’t been forced or altered), and time is taken over meals. Friends gather in large groups and share what’s on the table—at home and in restaurants.  There’s a lot there, but servings are adequate, not excessive.  People learn how to dine, course by course, and interact while eating, from an early age.  They also are seen out walking on a daily basis.

There may be chaos surrounding organized events and activities, but everything gets done, just in time, and happens how it’s supposed to.  Along the way, it might be realized that biggest isn’t necessarily be best.  More intimate gatherings and personal/neighborly relationships prevail.  Instead of being home alone, many are out doing their daily grocery shop, or frequenting destinations in easy reach, by foot.  The streets bustle with locals engaged in habitual activities that have existed for generations:  going to mass, errecting and taking down market stands, or standing up for an aperitif and antipasto at a corner bar. Even well-known bursts of rain don’t stop everyday life, or visitors.

 

A few local tried and proven recommendations in Firenze include:  Carlo Bay: haircare; Cellai: hotel accomodation; Grom: gelato;  Madova: gloves; Muniaciello: pizza, cocktails, music, Rivoire: lunch, pastries, home-made chocolate; Zaza: fun, central trattoria; Zechhi: art supplies.

 

Walking through the Yonge/St. Clair Centre (Toronto) to purchase a treat at Timothy’s, Easter Friday morning, I wasn’t surprised to notice that Ziggy’s/St. Clair Market (Loblaws flagship supermarket) was closed (grills down).  What did catch my attention was their display of floral merchandise that wasn’t locked away. Even if there are hidden cameras, and this is the way things are left daily, I still find it remarkable.  Perhaps that’s because I grew up in Liverpool.  Even though it’s the European Capital of Culture for 2008, most stores (and their goods) still have to be boarded up when businesses aren’t open.

This morning, I can hear the birds singing, a treat I’ve not been aware of in a long time.  It’s a sunny but crisp Sunday, and I think I can feel spring in the air.  I don’t know if this is true, but can only hope that we could actually be in for some milder weather and related mood changes.  To quote a familiar Beatles’ song, "It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter."  In a climate like Toronto’s, when snow is heavy, situations arise that would be unusual elsewhere, like the one described here…

Adequate and accessible parking for the genuinely disabled is essential, but not when be hazardous.  For too long, vehicles with disabled stickers (not necessarily disabled drivers) have been allowed to park on busy mid-town cross streets, like Balmoral.  These roadways that get even narrower when snowbanks pile up, like this past February. When a Wheel-Trans vehicle tried to squeeze between a parked Mini (with disabled sticker) and an iced over snowbank there was a wedging, and neither vehicle could be moved without tow truck assistance and police intervention.  Consequence, the street was inaccessible to regular traffic for three hours.  What are the chances  that a Wheel-Trans vehicle should squish a car displaying a disabled sticker.  Perhaps there’s a message in the irony?

Police vehicle cutting off the "accident area, parked vertically—shows how narrow the street is

Typical family size SUV arriving at "accident area"—shows the street can only really accommodate one lane of traffic

Typical street traffic congestion:  snow or no snow

 

Reciprocity can be tricky sometimes. There are those who give in order to receive, those who give in order to mutually benefit, and those who like to take but not give back.  Those who give to give, no strings attached, are exceptional.

In real life, we see this with dinners, gifts, phone calls, and so much else.  Certain individuals always seem to offer a whole lot more for a whole lot less.

In cyberspace, gaining "reciprocal links"—like having "friends" on Facebook—has become a supposed indicator of success, popularity, and networking ability.  In recent weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in offers to exchange links, so as to raise Google rankings. But, what might "virtual-reciprocity" imply to the non tech-savvy? Because we exchange a link and list another web address on our site, does it mean that we endorse it too? If we decline a request to exchange a link, what is the message that we’re giving back?  That we don’t like or approve of it?  Will someone list us without us having to list them?

Because, for now, I don’t have distinct link lists, I try to include as many links as possible in blog entries and website text.  Requesters who’ve taken time to review my sites usually understand—and see a place where they might be inserted.

A Florence Biennale artist who has just requested a reciprocal link exchange is Ann Haessel. A fiber artist from Alberta, Canada, you might like to check out her site.  Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to see her work at the Biennale.

Other entries on this blog also offer perspectives on RECIPROCITY.  These include: 

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007 

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006 

The "January blues" are legendary. Then comes February, and moods sink lower. Is there anything that can be done to help? Some are too familiar with the pain (not just in January or February, but year round) and don’t need to have it explained (like in the poem below). Others are able to escape it— supports, special advantages, or attitude making things easier.  Living in warmer friendlier climates (or taking a sun break) can also be helpful.  But this isn’t always possible.  In cities such as Toronto, known more for aloofness and coldness than ambiance and joie de vivre, extra efforts need to be made.  It’s important to be aware of those around us, and check-in on them—include, invite, encourage, or reciprocate.  At least, try and offer a smile or "hello," even to someone you don’t know.

FEBRUARY FUNK

Looking good on the outside
Doesn’t dull the pain within

Do you know that pain?

Under the nose
In the throat
Around the eyes

An upset that you feel
Even if others don’t see

Do you know that pain?

Maybe you don’t
Likely you won’t

Do you know the sadness of
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair?

Seeing that others, clearly, don’t care

A "Please"
"Thank you"
"Sorry"
"Well done"
Might pick up someone else’s day

Few brave enough to show the way

Don’t ask "Why?"
Ask, "Why not?"

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is driven by others
Not just ourselves

We know, ourselves, what we do, feel, think
What’s right, wrong, uncomfortable, or easy

Others affirm, deny, encourage, avoid
Enable and disable

Contribute to who we are and can be

It’s who surrounds us
And who doesn’t

It’s what they say
And what they don’t

How they respond
Or not

No matter our strengths and weaknesses
Failures and successes
Feedback and allegiance matter
 
Others indicate the worthwhile, and the not so
Include and exclude
 
What we’re left with is up to us.

Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off."  Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships.  January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.

This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1.  Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2.  Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3.  Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4.  Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?

How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered.  Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?

Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo.  Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.

Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague.  She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…"  "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?"  Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.

New relationships used to get off to more comfortable starts because respect, consideration, and life-cycle stages seemed to matter.  Each person involved (or wanting to be) had incentive to keep things going—sought greater interdependence and collaboration (believed in a better quality of life as a "two").  Today, distractions and alternative options are more alluring than working on what’s infront of you—and got good possiblities.  Eyes wander more than ever before—if not in actuality, virtually.  

Cyber—cheating prevents many new connections from growing as they might have, easy "escapism" too available. High potential matches are stumped before they are started.  Serious daters (looking for a monogomous long-term relationship) dance with serial daters (those ever-seeking perfect and better). Once serial daters get what they think they want, it looses appeal and the chase becomes more exicting than the catch. On to the next!  Some endings are abrupt.  Others "fade away," one (cowardly) person knowing what they’re doing, the "worthier other" being left disappointed or surprised.

There used to be a commonly followed "three-date" practice (not to judge too quickly). Today, even second chances are hard to come by.  If someone isn’t perfect—better quality than the person ruling them out, from the very first encounter or because of an "off-moment"—there’s no hope for continuity or tolerance.  Why waste time with someone who might be human—have as many flaws as you do?  A quick fix, rather than hard work (as necessary for most everything else) prompts expectations…and disappointments.

Bravo to "Bravo" for alerting us to Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker team!  Thanks for displaying that guys one would think "apppropriate" aren’t necessarily ready—still fantasizing over unrealistic catches, or need "fine-tuning."  A show that is "out-of-the-box" in its showcasing of a service that attempts to coddle those who pay to seek what even money can’t buy. That aside, Patti’s Dating Commandments are worth checking out (millionaire or not).

Last Sunday evening, I enjoyed a very "fine dining" opportunity at ONE—Toronto’s latest hot-spot restaurant.  Usually, I’m not such a "fine diner" or restaurant reviewer.  But, the visiting couple who invited me to join them there—as an extra special treat—thought our experience might make an interesting blog entry…

Our reservation was put through a month ago, when ONE first opened.  However, when we arrived at the restaurant, though confirmation had been given earlier that day (after I returned a hang-up on my cell phone) there was no indoor table for us.  As a result of insisting, several times, that we had not booked and did not want an outside table (it being a cooler evening), we were obliged with the "best table in the house."

Despite it really being the "best table in the house" (nestled in a corner), the acoustics still made hearing each other difficult.  When you’re with older folk, hearing can be a delicate matter at the best of times.  So can eyesight (though even I, with 20/20 vision, couldn’t manage to read the small-print menu in dim light without straining). That said, ONE was prepared to not have its clientele stress over "failing faculties."  Noticing our awkwardness, a server delivered a box of Josephson spectacles to the table (four pairs arranged in order of lense intensity).  My gentleman host tried on two of the pairs and gave up.  The only alternative was for me to recite the entire menu to him.

My recitation was interrupted several times by a very eager server who told us that the restaurant’s intention was that we share our food tapas-style.  My lady host insisted that she had no desire to do that.  Brits can get to the point fast—we all knew what we wanted and we all wanted the same thing—basically fish, chips, and salad…  Since we weren’t sharing a variety of different foods, we’d now just wished to be advised about quantities.  Three fish, two salads, and two chips could work nicely, we were told.  In actuality, we might have done better with only one order of chips.  While the fish portions were petite, the chips portions weren’t.  The salad portions were just right.

My hosts would have preferred to have all the food come out together, but the server who’d instructed us on being supposed to eat tapas-style, also insisted that salads should come before the rest, and couldn’t be dissuaded.  Finally, came the desserts:  a chocolate truffle of sorts, Timbit-like donuts infused (or stuffed) with "cheesecake" (a liquidy substance), and ice-cream.  We each chose differently, and it was the simplest (plain ice cream) that was the best liked.  The desserts weren’t as special as what came before, we all agreed.

Since I’m not much of a drinker, I stuck with water.  My hosts, however, wanted to try two different Canadian wines.  After deliberation, the sommelier did them an (off-the-menu) favor.  Apparently, a reprint of the wine list, which would be out the next day, was going to include more Canadian wines, as well as by-the-glass selections.

Brits like to ask questions, especially when they’re in atypical environments.  We were all intrigued (and, as animal-lovers, somewhat disturbed) by the decor.  Apparently, it was the work of Yabu Pushelberg. We felt overwhelmed by the cow or horse hair(?) walls in the main dining area (dyed gray), and pig skin suede (?) around the reception foyer (already looking worn in parts).  Aligator print (?) embossed leather covered wrap around seating.  Exact details were uncertain since each employee gave different answers.

The servers and receptionists were all young and sweet, and tried hard to please, but weren’t as polished as one might have expected for a venue where it’s easy to run up a $350 tab for modest food and drink selections.

Finally, came the "loo"—or "luna landscape" as my lady host came to call it. She insisted on going there before we left, and I accompanied her.  As we exited our separate cubicles, we both had the same response.  "Do you know the doors are see-through?!"  Whether this effect was meeting a trend, or simply an accident, she was more taken aback than impressed.

All in all we had a very fun evening at ONE—even if it was so for reasons we weren’t anticipating.  And, as my hosts told me on the drive back to their more conventional/elegant accommodations at the Royal York, they’d have hours of dinner stories to share with other friends, here and back home.

p.s.  After reading this blog entry to a friend, before posting, she alerted me to Amy Pataki’s professional restauant review from last weekend.  It seems our findings about ONE weren’t unusual —though Amy speaks with more bluntly and authoritatively than I do.  Regardless of what’s been shared, I am confident that Mark McEwan will be able to turn things around, quickly.  Every beginning is hard, and he certainly is a lot more ambitious and risk-taking than most of us would ever dare to be.  Best of luck to him!

Please don’t poach/steal DocSusan’s sharings.

My post, Painting and Perseverance, seems to be the most popular one on this blog (so far). Therefore, I’m sure many of you will identify with what I’m about to discuss…

My artwork (visual and written) takes hours to develop. That means, what’s posted here doesn’t come cheaply or painlessly. My time, effort, imagination, and resourcefulness have value. And, poachers know that, even if they claim ignorance and innocence.

This popular copyrighted image has been on tour—without permission or supervision. I’m delighted that it has a wider audience in a variety of locations like this one. But, credit needs to be given where credit is due—to its originator, MOI!

 
The wonder and dedication with which I created this painting will always be mine—part of its spirit, value, and specialness (perhaps why it appeals to so many others). Lazy others’ quick mouse clicks can’t be compared in any way—and don’t transfer ownership or authority over it.

This is a gentle reminder to respect the contents of the DocSusan website and blog. Please enjoy viewing them, and send links to others so they can enjoy them (directly) too. Please don’t simply click, drag and repost or reproduce, in your own or another’s name or anonymously. You will be found out—eventually!

If you like my images or written entries, please know better than to take without asking. It’s clearly stated throughout the website and blog that permission needs to be sought to (re)use them in any form. And, if it’s granted, you should give proper credit to the source—direct links to their originator and the DocSusan website and blog. This is only FAIR and reasonable.

Also, please remember that many of my creations are available for sale. Purchase requests are gladly received at blogs@docsusan.com.

THANK YOU for your understanding, cooperation, and support!

Art-making (visual arts, music, dance, or writing) is a risky business.  Much is stolen before it ever gets out there.  Competitive, jealous, and sneaky others have no qualms putting their name to something that’s not theirs, and running to make money or gain from it in other ways. 

Sometimes, the true creator can take action.  Often, not.  Litigation costs money, time, and emotional energy.  Then, there’s the case that needs to be built, and loop holes that wrong-doers successfully identify and take advantage of…

The victory might be the thief’s in terms of securing the actual creation/idea stolen.  But, even if that person is very clever, he or she is unlikely to be able to replicate the true creator’s style, process, or thoughts.  There’s an essence/spirit that will never be anyone else’s, and this, ultimately, will be clear, somehow. 

Maybe thieves’ marketing/redevelopment skills will help procure cash/recognition rewards.  But, even then, they can’t give genuine meaning or authentic sparkle to what is and was never theirs. At the end of the day, they do know that, as do the real creators, and those familiar with them and their work…

p.s. Coincidentally, CARFAC Ontario’s Spring 07 newsletter (Vol 10, no. 1) has two articles that are well worth checking out, "Fair is Fair, (COPY) RIGHT?  Living Without Fear as an Appropriation Artist," and "VISUAL ART PHYSICAL PROPERTY, COPYRIGHT, AND MORAL RIGHTS, A Canadian Overview."

Any office is only as good as its front line receptionists and administrative assistants.  Because of them, some communications never make it to the person they’re supposed to reach.  In some offices instructions are given that those who are high up don’t want to be bothered by trivia.  But, consider those who decide which clients are worthy of a call-back.  Certain employees might not be gifted at assessing this. 

When you suspect your messages might not be making their way to the person you’re trying to reach, or nothing seems to be happening, solutions might include:

1.  Showing up at the office in person, to see face-to-face what’s happening—if anything.
2.  Finding other ways to make direct contact (like in an out-of-the-office setting, or through a home number).
3.  Informing and getting others involved (like peers, colleagues, friends, or media).

Of course, the solution choosen will depend on the size and nature of the office involved—and why the initial approach was made.  If the office is smaller and private, access will probably be easier.  If the office is larger and public, access will probably be more complicated.  Then there are the offices of public officials where specific protocols/accountability are supposed to matter.

Regardless of the type of office being dealt with, or the role of the individual who’s unreachable, keeping calm and trying to stay focused on the initial request (not newly associated frustrations) is important.  In the beginning, follow instructions in accord with an office’s requirements.  Then, if there’s no response, consider there could be something wrong internally.  Look at possible solutions (like those listed above).  Finally, if the office (and employees working in it) are committing misdemeanors, let this be known to the necessary authorities, legislators, or publicists—like (disciplinary) associations, the police, and the media.  Avoid any/further confrontation with staffers who have already shown themselves to be incapable or powerless.

Do keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes—has bad days and weeks, even months. However, during the waiting period, the one who is dissatisfied isn’t getting paid for the time and energy put into contacting and recontacting.  The one who is at fault in not passing on the message /following through appropriately is.  

No one wants anyone else to lose their job unnecessarily.  But, employers need to decide who enhances their organization’s reputation and who detracts from it.  Since quality staff are hard to find, decisions can’t be made flippantly.  So, are expectations for lower paid, more menial workers (that are often scape-goated) too high?  Some get lazy, even if they love or need their job’s benefits.  Then there’s the one who’s a little too smug, whom you’d least suspect of being the problem, until she’s dismissed—productivity and client satisfaction suddenly improving.

Lastly, let’s talk about bosses for a moment.  Office staff may only be as good as the one who’s in charge of them—and the one in charge of them might be the only one able to do "damage control" properly. Also, consider the example he might set when he’s there (with respect to efficiency, punctuality, organizational and people skills).  Does he practice what he preaches?  Can he be counted on? 

If a boss is frequently absent and/or extremely busy, he has to hope that he has a staff that have his organization’s better interests in mind—that they can make smart decisions when he’s absent.  This may be where some of the biggest (and needless) difficulties (and loss of business) arise.