On Saturday, for sentimentality’s sake, I took a ferry across the Mersey.  The round trip is 50 minutes, and we hardly saw the time pass.  There were two main distractions:  

1. A Long Haired Miniature Dachshund puppy called Sam sat next to us.  He was doing a homework assignment for "puppy school":  taking a ride on public transportation.  Not only was he very relaxed, he enjoyed a lot of attention and strokes from everyone around, nestling in my lap for a good portion of the trip.  (No nervousness, unlike my older dog Lev who can shake terribly on boats, as in thunderstorms. Sage, my younger dog, on the other hand, is just as calm as Sam was.)  All dogs have their own ways, like humans.  Some things you can’t change, even with training.  We look forward to reading more about Sam’s progress on his blog: samlamb.wordpress.com

2. After pulling out of Seacombe dock and turning around, the river got choppy (The commercial ship that was adjacent to us shows this, inserted below.  Also, please note the Liverpool skyline in the background.) A big wave shot across the upper deck and we were drenched. Quite a surprise! Wet through to our undies, it took most of the rest of the day to dry out!

 

Whatever you do that involves others requires a shift from "me" to "we" thinking.  Simple in theory, harder in practice.

Keeping everyone happy—and challenges to that—are usually based on three fundamentals, in most instances. Here is a brief  "how to" overview of fundamentals that seem to matter:

Consider:
1. How and why you’ve come together. Are goals similar?
2. What the rules might be—what’s  right and wrong, ethically, morally, circumstantially.
3. Where clarifications are necessary (if rules are bent), so misunderstandings don’t happen, and one party isn’t misled.

Be:
1. Fair and honest
2. Open and respectful
3. Flexible and considerate

…as best you can.  Most people know when they are taking advantage of someone else, and the person being taken advantage of knows too!  Don’t keep (the idea of) a relationship going at any cost in the hope that it’ll get better—because you’re the one who’ll be paying afterwards.

Upsets come from:
1. Being out of synch/selfishness—one person putting their own needs first (saying and doing differently or vice versa).
2. Expectations of both parties not being expressed or agreed upon (in advance or as they shift).  Avoidance isn’t a solution, just a way to upset someone else.  
3. Distractions being allowed to take over (one person changing their priorities, but not telling the other, and not putting in equal effort).

Long distance relationships have higher stakes and extra obstacles:
1. Trust, openness and communication matter even more.
2. Out of site should not be out of mind. (Excuses are easy!)
3. Practical, financial, and emotional realities are all stretched, tested, and differ.

Bottom lines:
1. It’s not all about you!  Never was!
2. Everyone has limited time and energy. Please don’t waste another’s!
3. Consequences happen.  We might not realize at the time how we affect someone else, but a lot of damage can come about from what might be considered "trivial."  As much as you might not be hurting, someone else could be in agony…

Cliché but apt: "Put the shoe on the other foot!"  We all have hopes and dreams, and it takes courage to make oneself vulnerable—even though life is short, and there are only so many opportunities for happiness.  If you know that you are jeopardizing someone else’s well-being by not being upfront and playing things out because it suits you, think again…

Alas!  If things are "too good to be true," they too often can be…  No matter how one conducts oneself in other circumstnaces (or is seen to be to the oustide world), it’s daily enounters, and opporunities for genuine intimacy that reveal who they really are and can be (or not).
 
The most powerful, wealthy, or good-looking among us have the greatest responsibilities and weaknesses, since they may have more possibilites to get away with things. Because of who they are or what they have (regardless of where it comes from) and their bigger-picture "do good" deeds, they can raise the loudest alarm bells!  Entitlement may be an outcome, but not a justification…  

Though news of the the "John Edwards Sex Scandal" is only just breaking, and details and coverage aren’t all clear, this is just another example of what we see not always being what we get.  Or, what we imagine could be possible (and wonder why not) actually being so.  Role models are hard to find, and "everyday people" imitate and get away with much more (than before) just because they can.  Sad, but true, this is something that’s become almost unremarkable socially.

Those who may be seen to have "less going for them" are invariably more reliable—and better at "playing nice!" On-line daters, take heed when making selections!  What impresses and allures on screen, might not in real life!

These days, individuals can end up more isolated and self-involved than ever, with the shift from a "me-focus" to a "we-focus" proving difficult. Attention of any type, even if it’s harmful, tends to allure. This is when judgment gets clouded and mistakes are made. Age-old problems, like manipulation, take on fresh force.  No matter how technologically savvy we are—how many "friends" we have on Facebook—basic human-to-human "communication glitches" abound. These need to be dealt with in real-world time, and have real-world consequences. 

Manipulation comes from those whom we least suspect and expect  It creeps up and masquerades as kindness and generosity. Then, suddenly, there’s a wakeup call—a financial, emotional, or physical price to pay to the person who claims to be offering assistance/friendship "out of the goodness of their heart." Alas! The one who’d encouraged us to count on them really had their own agenda all along.  But, ultimately, even this manipulator loses too. The relationship needs to be severed and things can never be the same again. Trust and respect is gone, as well as a whole lot more. Time to move on, as this poetic reflection explains…

Dear Manipulator

You were so nice, so kind
I was so blind

You wanted to be there for me
Talk to me
Look out for me
Help me

Solve each and every problem you thought I had
All those things others never noticed

I don’t know where you came from
But suddenly you were there.

You were everywhere

I couldn’t do without you
But, in reality, you couldn’t do without me

I gave you purpose and cause
You thrived on applause
Being wanted, needed, and knowing

The more I tried to disentangle,
The more you tried to strangle

Disengaging was hard to do
Caused me more angst than you know

Disengaging was hard to do
But it enabled me to grow

When self-esteem is down and we don’t have adequate support networks, we are all the more vulnerable and susceptible to those who survive/thrive on manipulative behavior.  Manipulatolrs usually seek attention to help assuage their own wounds, longings, and lackings.  Exagerated gestures and finding ways to become indispensable may be a ploy to help the manipulator appear valuable to others, as well as important in the wider world.  But, tension mounts when the manipulated feels trapped or deceived.  Self-protection (hopefully) kicks in.  Breaking free takes courages.  It also leads to loss. But loss leads to learning.  Know better for next time!

Earlier blog entries that discuss related topics include:

Reciprocity, Feb 8, 2008

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006

An evening stroll along one of Newport’s beaches, last Friday night, led us to a sandcastle.  From the front, it was a work of art.

Around the back, there was a marriage proposal inscribed (to which the answer was "yes," of course)

The shore line and waves looked pink, as did seaweed deposits washed up there—part of the red tide phenomenon.  

Then there were the clams; their shells, at least.  Gulls were fat, happy, and plentiful!

 

Older dogs are like well-worn gloves. They fit perfectly, but shouldn’t be taken forgranted.   We don’t know when they’ll fall apart, or how. But, if we are careful with them, they can enjoy long happy and healthy lives.  

As shown throughout the DocSusan blog and website, Lev and Sage are my best friends, room-mates, editors, studio assistants, exercise coaches, and a whole lot more.  Most days, all is well with them. They know my quirks and I know theirs. But, as they’ve gotten older, I’ve become a little more cautious and concerned at the least sign of illness. Because of their size and age, I realize that things can happen very quickly, and signs and symptoms must be taken seriously and acted on without delay. On April 2nd 08, I posted a blog entry about this, Veterinary Emergencies. Three months later, I’m already reporting fresh developments…

From the end of May through June, Sage had had a strange sneeze. First it was every few days. Then it was a couple of times a day, and only coming from his left nostril. His eating and walking seemed normal, and he was sleeping well at night (not snoring, as others with congestion might). However, I was still anxious. Round one of trips to the vet led us to Children’s Benadryl.  Doctor Rachel Wolfson, a dedicated young vet at Rosedale Animal Hospital was very attentive.  As well as presribing this allergy medication, she also took bloodwork. We stayed in touch as Sage’s condition, despite clear bloodwork (and the Benadryl) didn’t seem to change. Doctor Cindy Kneebone at East York Animal Hospital added homeopathy to the mix, as well as giving Sage a head Xray, where nothing unusual was found. For three weeks after this, we carefully monitored developments. Then, finally, no improvement, and with more obvious discomfort shown by Sage—not being able to walk more than a few steps without sneezing—we sought specialist help.

Doctor Doug Mason at Toronto’s Veterinary Emergency Clinic gave us a same day appointment, and performed investigative surgery. After a Catscan and numerous other tests, an abscess (and related build-up) were removed from behind one of Sage’s teeth (which had to come out). A complete course of antibiotics and pain killers followed. Now, we are looking more closely at Sage’s entire mouth and gums, to determine if other teeth need to be extracted or not. Doctor Sharon French, a veterinary dental specialist who consults with Toronto Zoo (and is also at Toronto’s Veterinary Emergency Clinic) is now involved with Sage’s case, and has prescribed Maxiguard Oral Cleansing Gel.  So far, so good. We like her, and her approach!

Apparently, gum disease is not an uncommon problem with older small dogs, like Sage.  Unfortunately, undetected, it can be life-threatening.  I realize, because of the expediency and caring of a diverse group of of vets, and my constant vigilance and concern, Sage’s life has been saved.  I caution other pet owners not to overlook any of their pets’ symptoms, however fussy they may believe other people think they are. Our pets mean so much to us!

Unfortunately, veterinary interventions come at a price. Future blog articles will look at typical pet healthcare costs.  It is sad to know how many dogs are put to sleep, owners (understandably) unable to keep up with the bills for  treatment, or prepared to administer (complicated) medications.

p.s.  End of August update: Our claim through PetCare (all parts of it, including those not related to dental/mouth conditions) was denied.  There will be a lot more in future blog entries about this, as well as a closer look at veterinary practice, procedures, and accountablity, as well as insurance company savvy.

Boston and New England are craft-enthusiast-friendly.  Each time I’m there, I want to start working on a new project.  For basics, Windsor Button (open since 1936), close to Boston Common, has every supply you can possibly need.  This includes a vat of buttions at the entrance, from which I display a selection in my 2004 painting, "Memories."

 

Then, on Newbury Street, the more recent 1154 Lill Studio offers a few short cuts—assisting with the assembly of custom designer bags and accessories.  I checked it out, packed with clients the day before Mother’s Day.  Such a neat concept—for a personal visit, group party, or special gift!  Their prices range from $26 - $185, and there’s something to suit almost everyone’s taste. 1154 Lill came into being in Chicago in 1999 (where its headquarters are), and a local boutique in Lincoln Park.  Additional boutiques are located in Philadelphia and Kansas, and there’s in-home party opportunities as well!  Congratulations to founder Jennifer Velarde!

Earlier this week, I was excited to be part of a quartet that attended Dirty Dancing, at the Royal Alex Theatre in Toronto.  We took advantage of a mid-week special (four tickets for the price of three), making a spontaneous same-day purchase.  Sometimes, the best night’s entertainment happens when you don’t have long-term plans for it, but break routine.

Not only were the sets and costumes superb, but the cast was consistent and well-chosen.  This wasn’t the kind of show that had you wondering when the interval was going to happen. And beyond the actual performance, we were also struck by deeper story-lines, like that of a nuclear family with two adult-children.  

Siblings often have distinct personalities (and outcomes), and the daughters, Frances and Lisa, were excellent examples of this.  Sometimes, one child can be seen to do no wrong, and the other child, no right.  One has "higher goals" and she is misunderstood. The other ’s behavior is less commendable, but she’s more likely to get away with it (though not grow from her mistakes).  Also, parents often seem to forget their own pasts when making suppositions and demonstrating differential treatment.  Not knowing (or attempting to learn) all the facts, and making judgments for the wrong reasons can be problematic, unless non-family members have a chance to intervene.

Though much of the music was familiar, and there was a strong urge to want to go home and get dancing lessons, this staging of Dirty Dancing, it was clear, offered more than the immediately obvious.  Seeing the movie years ago, I’d been more focused on visual and auditory effects.  This time around (perhaps helped by the stellar performances of the leads) it was refreshing to be able to consider deeper messages and meanings. Lively afer-show discussion ensued!

I have been touched, today, by all the remarkable tributes to Tim Russert, NBC Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press.  Most Sunday mornings, his voice has been "background entertainment" while I’ve done household chores.  He was a fixture whom it was hard to imagine wouldn’t grace television news and debate well into old age. 

Tim’s sudden heart attack yesterday was yet another reminder to all of us that life is precious and we can’t have complete control, especially over its endings.  When someone as unique and admired as Tim is gone from our world in moments, without warning or preparation, we are stunned and ache.  From President Bush to regular viewers, everyone seems to have a reflection to offer, a deep fondness for this role model and outstandingly successful professional who remained a very down-to-earth family man and personal friend to so many.  My sincere condolences to all those dear to him.  He will be sorely missed.

At times like this, it’s hard not to think of more private individuals too, and their endings—those who haven’t enjoyed public success or recognition in their lives, those without family and friends who’ve supported and encouraged them. When their time comes, will it be recognized how their lives were meaningful or how much they could be missed?   How might things have played out differently for them, given a chance, voice, or simple luck?

It’s clear that we all leave our mark on the world in different ways, others’ impressions shaped by how we’re remembered or forgotten.  The following poem is dedicated to those who pass in greater silence and anonymity.  Maybe there was more to say about them, but there was no one to say it? Maybe their lives could have been happier and more fulfilled, but there was no one to spur them on? What might they have said if they could have written their own eulogies?  Perhaps this is one possibility?

AFTERWARDS

I was on top of the world
Or so you thought

Had achieved milestones,
Or so you thought

You didn’t know me well
You didn’t want to

You didn’t take me seriously
Though I asked you to…many times

You thought that I had more bounce-back than I did
You thought that I was stronger than I was

You thought that the day would never come
The day when I would succumb

I never did give up
Until now

I never did know how
Until now

I never wanted to
Hung on in the hope that things could change

More active
Less reflective
No, that didn’t work

More reflective
Less active
That didn’t work either

Needed, yes I was
If it was all about you

Admired, yes I was
If I lost myself in what I did

It was all up to me.

 

It’s like Liverpool hit the fast-forward button all of a sudden!  As somebody who hasn’t lived there for more than a quarter of century, its a lot easier for me to see this.  First came the Albert Dock complex, then the Capital of Culture, and now Liverpool One. 

Though there’s still hard hats, cranes, and construction everywhere, on a beautiful sunny day, this week, I was thrilled to see my hometown revived and bustling.

 

Please check out some of the posters inserted below that tell a little more about this new landmark.

 

Better still, go visit Liverpool.  You will be surprised, delighted, and entertained.  The shopping isn’t bad either…

When more carefully manicured cities, like Toronto, feel bereft of ambiance and energy in comparison, it’s clear something is working right in Liverpool.  The graphic design for its construction posters (inserted above), also helps with mood.  I couldn’t think of a city where the heart symbol fits better. You can say a lot else about Liverpudlians, but you can’t deny their friendliness, directness, humor, spirit and heart.  HeArTs off to them!  

Christopher Hart (no heart-typo) made this interesting comment in a Times Culture supplement after Paul McCartney’s recent Liverpool concert, "It’s a battered and bleeding heavyweight of a city, struggling to haul itsel off the canvas.  But it has an astonishing charisma—and I can still hear the sound of 35,000 voices ringing in my ears, singing about "times of trouble" and "all the lonely people" and "take a sad song and make it better."

A comment on the Liverpool 08 home page by Alexei Sayle states, "I’ve been all over the world looking for excitement, and it turns out that the most thrilling town I’ve ever visited is the one I was born in."  Right now, many non-resident Liverpudlians will find it hard not to agree!

 

With extended trips to Chicago in April and May, I have a growing list of recommendations for visitors. Even without much time to get out and about, because of "show schedules," I’ve been very impressed by what this city has to offer, and the well-known friendliness and kindness of locals.
 
You can’t have a bad meal, as the following easy-dining eateries demonstrated (in no particular order):

• Fulton’s On the River (fish)
• Ben Pau (Asian)
• Tizi Melloul (Mediterranean)
• The Brick House (fun)
• Shaw’s Crab House (fish)
• Lou Malnatis (pizza)
• McCormick & Schmick’s (fish)

And, for take-out, Fox and Obel (gourmet foods), close to Navy Pier, is hard to beat.

Spectacular architecture is everywhere. Don’t miss the legendary architectural boat tour that has the best views. You might even notice a city kayaker alongside.

 

Then, for a spot of exercise, check out the incredible East Bank Club (Oprah’s gym). A friend kindly invited me to a yoga class there.  The studio it was held in overlooked the river as the sun went down, making the experience all the more pleasurable.

And, for animal-lovers, missing pets or thinking of adoption, a visit to The Anti-Cruelty Society (157 Grand Avenue) is encouraging.  It occupies a whole city block and has a "transparency policy," domestic animals in-care viewable through all windows. 

 

Alternatively, a quick walk through Lincoln Park Zoo, in easy-reach of downtown, offers a more exotic break.

Nature and entertainment aren’t forgotten outside of parks, either—even on ("Magnificent") Michigan Ave.  Check out the Saturday afternoon street-performers. And then there’s all those shops…

 

But, if you are in town for "business," like I was, there’s other priorities, and staying at the Holiday Inn Merchandise Mart Plaza helped—consistently a comfortable, caring, and convenient environment.

Though I haven’t tried it yet, a Segway Tour is on my list of "must-dos" for next time.  I’d also like an evening out on Rush, which seems like a lot of fun…

With all Chicago’s summer festivals, as well as museums, galleries, parks, and lakefront, I really look forward to more visits to this super-friendly city, that’s clearly a shining example to others in so many ways.

Many tourists seem to be impressed with Toronto’s cleanliness. However, unfortunately, its warmth, joie de vivre, welcome, and energy aren’t quite as remarkable.  Locals point out obstacles too, like in Peter Kultenbrouwer’s May 10, 08 National Post article about Yonge-Dundas Square, "A public square that isn’t public."

"That’s nice!", "Well done!"  "Good for you!" "Great job!" "Keep up the good work!" Kudos is always appreciated, with a little encouragement going a long way.  However, it’s not always forthcoming—especially at times when needed most, and from those we’d like to have issue it.  And then there’s that magical two-word phrase, frequently forgotten, "Thank you!"  

Whether you’ve cooked for dinner guests, made matches between acquaintances, or looked after a friend’s cat, it’s always nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.  But, the more you give out, too often, the less this happens.  Feeling overlooked and taken for granted, continually, can take its toll—make us behave in ways we might not instinctively.  Enter the era of the "cautious" and "jaded."  Sadly, the notion of "once bitten, twice shy", can ring louder than ever.  

Self-absorption, becoming a predominant character trait in western society, today, it’s not surprising that "Please" is missing from many people’s requests.  And, without a "Please," it’s unlikely there’ll be a "Thank you."  Positive change happens one person at a time—personal displays of good manners and respect helping more than might be realized.  Seeing how giving the gift of a "Please," Thank you," or "Well done" can boost someone else’s spirits, can be a great first step in feeling better about yourself too!

It was great to be back in Boston last weekend, albeit just for an overnight visit.  This city stirs so much positive energy for me.  Good friends and an environment that’s quaint, cultured, and progressive seems to entice locals as well as travelers.  Spring blossoms and time with special friends, of course, were bonuses!  

The last time I was in Boston was Labor Day weekend, and much has changed since then.  Soon-to-be landmarks are now open—or almost:

• The Liberty Hotel, on Charles Street, with its bars and restaurants.

Check out the unique refurbished jail cells, with "light shows."  Then, go downstairs for a meal at Scampo. The food is well-prepared and presented. It’s just the acoustics that need a little work.  You may lose your voice tying to have a conversation with dining companions!

• The Mandarin Hotel, on Boylston Street

• The New Apple Store, on Boylston Street scheduled to open today (May 14, 08).

Although I (like many others) have found the Macbook Air to have a few unexpected kinks, I am still a big fan of everything Apple, and this is a super location.

Saturday lunch was at Stephanie’s. But, unfortunately memories were better than actualities.  Somewhat disorganized and dirty, and not quite as delicious, I wondered what was happening there. Sunday breakfast was at the Panficio Cafe. Clean, efficient, and very delicious, this is definitely a must-try.

Boston has something for everyone, and it certainly loves its parades.  I came across two of them, by chance.  On Saturday, "Youth Pride" on Boston Common.  On Sunday, "Duckling Day Parade," along Charles Street and on to Boston Public Garden.

 

A quick Google search to find other artists’ impressions of Toronto Art Expo (08) led me to the Artists Toronto blog.  After agreeing with some of the commentaries posted there about the event, I thought I’d look into membership.  Sharon Barr welcomed my "application."  What happened next was curious.  10 days later, she sent me a friendly-solicitation for ideas to help grow their site.  Suggestions wanted included the donation of e-mail lists and industry connections as well as initiative to devise a group show.  26 days later, I received an anonymous  "jury" rejection from a personal e-mail address that had the name "Jones" in it. A quick Facebook search enabled me to deduce that It was Stan Jones who’d provided the "glad tidings." It simply stated:  "It is the consensus of our committee that the images you have submitted for approval do not meet the subjective objectives of our committee."  I wasn’t sure what that actually meant, or what they could really be looking for.  All I was aware of were inconsistencies.  Note the time line for communications.  Application, solicitation, rejection.  Also note that they don’t have a 2-week application response turn-around, as posted.  One would expect elitism/run-arounds in the wider art world, but not from a parochial group that touts itself, in correspondence, as a "viable grassroots undertaking." By the way, you’ll find the Artists Toronto blog piece about Toronto Art Expo under the header "The Big Spring Art Shows."  The date given for it, right now, is March 8, 2009.  Of course, we know it must be 2008—and will likely be corrected, eventually.

p.s. Since posting this blog entry, I have received clarification from Mr. Jones about the AT "committee."  Apparently, it has five members (including him).  He states, "’Subjective objectives’ reflect the consensus of our jury in what we feel is a degree of artistic merit that we’re collectively comfortable with.  But it is only our opinion."  Unfortunately, still no explanation of the application, solicitation, rejection procedure.  Only a remark about  familiarity with "entrepreneurial drive."  If they do really intend their site to be "the main connection between Toronto artists and the art loving community" (as announced on their home page), they’ve demonstrated an interesting modus operandi with a target audience.
Perhaps it’s personal artist-artist-friendly experiences in the US, Europe, and beyond that make me all the more sensitive to Toronto artists’ (unnecessary) obstacles.

…and mine is Lev. Please check out the silouhette in the bottom left hand corner of the image below.

I, also, have the responsiblity to watch over Lev, and Poodle pal, Sage.  This morning’s Today Show discussed the alarming rise in dognapping, giving lists of recommendations on how to protect our canine companions.  The information provided is worth checking out.  Its in the form of an article called, Pets as Prey:  Alarming rise in dognapping:  Smart advice on how you can protect your canine companions from theft. 

  

Even after studying beginner Italian for three semesters at the Toronto’s Italian Cultural Institute, and buying a bunch of self-help books and tapes, I wasn’t confident enough to speak the language once in Florence (for the Biennale). However, this didn’t detract from my enjoyment of being there, and sensing what was said and written—taking in the ambiance, mood, and energy. In Italy, la dolce vita (the good life) is energizing, especially when a stark Canadian winter sets in.  At a quick glance, here is some of what seems to matter:  art(s), food, hairdressers, individuality, laughter, playfulness, style, uniqueness

Food tastes different—fruit and vegetables smell like they’re supposed to (haven’t been forced or altered), and time is taken over meals. Friends gather in large groups and share what’s on the table—at home and in restaurants.  There’s a lot there, but servings are adequate, not excessive.  People learn how to dine, course by course, and interact while eating, from an early age.  They also are seen out walking on a daily basis.

There may be chaos surrounding organized events and activities, but everything gets done, just in time, and happens how it’s supposed to.  Along the way, it might be realized that biggest isn’t necessarily be best.  More intimate gatherings and personal/neighborly relationships prevail.  Instead of being home alone, many are out doing their daily grocery shop, or frequenting destinations in easy reach, by foot.  The streets bustle with locals engaged in habitual activities that have existed for generations:  going to mass, errecting and taking down market stands, or standing up for an aperitif and antipasto at a corner bar. Even well-known bursts of rain don’t stop everyday life, or visitors.

 

A few local tried and proven recommendations in Firenze include:  Carlo Bay: haircare; Cellai: hotel accomodation; Grom: gelato;  Madova: gloves; Muniaciello: pizza, cocktails, music, Rivoire: lunch, pastries, home-made chocolate; Zaza: fun, central trattoria; Zechhi: art supplies.

The organizers of Artropolis have kindly given their Artist Project participants a link to share with friends and clients. By clicking on this, you will be able to download free passes for all five shows making up the Artropolis weekend. If you do attend the Artist Project, please stop by my booth (8-4123A) and say "hi." Look forward to seeing you there! The DocSusan Artist Project Gallery will have further updates and images closer to the time!

 

Please take a moment to be in touch with a friend who doesn’t have a Valentine, and let that person know how much they mean to you/you care about them.  A simple phone call or e-mail may be just enough!  If you’re happy—and fortunate to have attention from a "special other"—try to be extra sensitive to whose circumstances are different.  Though Valentine’s Day (February 14), gives many a cause to celebrate (and for commercialism), more folks than seems fair feel uncomfortable as it looms. This poem tells a little more:

VALENTINE’S DAY

Loved?
I’m not sure about that

What is love anyway
If you haven’t felt it?

What is love anyway
If another person hasn’t meant it?

What is love anyway
If you’re all alone?

If it’s you who makes the calls
If it’s you who cares about everyone else

What is love?

Please tell me
Because I don’t think I know

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

Add to Valentine’s Day, Ontario’s first annual Family Day, four days later, February 18, 2008.  Apart from proving an inconvenience for some in the business world, this second "relationship-rejoicing" day may add to singles feeling more out-of-place (a significant percentage of the local population).  According to February’s Village Post, its very name is "puritanical," and just begs for satire!

Reciprocity can be tricky sometimes. There are those who give in order to receive, those who give in order to mutually benefit, and those who like to take but not give back.  Those who give to give, no strings attached, are exceptional.

In real life, we see this with dinners, gifts, phone calls, and so much else.  Certain individuals always seem to offer a whole lot more for a whole lot less.

In cyberspace, gaining "reciprocal links"—like having "friends" on Facebook—has become a supposed indicator of success, popularity, and networking ability.  In recent weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in offers to exchange links, so as to raise Google rankings. But, what might "virtual-reciprocity" imply to the non tech-savvy? Because we exchange a link and list another web address on our site, does it mean that we endorse it too? If we decline a request to exchange a link, what is the message that we’re giving back?  That we don’t like or approve of it?  Will someone list us without us having to list them?

Because, for now, I don’t have distinct link lists, I try to include as many links as possible in blog entries and website text.  Requesters who’ve taken time to review my sites usually understand—and see a place where they might be inserted.

A Florence Biennale artist who has just requested a reciprocal link exchange is Ann Haessel. A fiber artist from Alberta, Canada, you might like to check out her site.  Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to see her work at the Biennale.

Other entries on this blog also offer perspectives on RECIPROCITY.  These include: 

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007 

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006 

The "January blues" are legendary. Then comes February, and moods sink lower. Is there anything that can be done to help? Some are too familiar with the pain (not just in January or February, but year round) and don’t need to have it explained (like in the poem below). Others are able to escape it— supports, special advantages, or attitude making things easier.  Living in warmer friendlier climates (or taking a sun break) can also be helpful.  But this isn’t always possible.  In cities such as Toronto, known more for aloofness and coldness than ambiance and joie de vivre, extra efforts need to be made.  It’s important to be aware of those around us, and check-in on them—include, invite, encourage, or reciprocate.  At least, try and offer a smile or "hello," even to someone you don’t know.

FEBRUARY FUNK

Looking good on the outside
Doesn’t dull the pain within

Do you know that pain?

Under the nose
In the throat
Around the eyes

An upset that you feel
Even if others don’t see

Do you know that pain?

Maybe you don’t
Likely you won’t

Do you know the sadness of
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair?

Seeing that others, clearly, don’t care

A "Please"
"Thank you"
"Sorry"
"Well done"
Might pick up someone else’s day

Few brave enough to show the way

Don’t ask "Why?"
Ask, "Why not?"

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is driven by others
Not just ourselves

We know, ourselves, what we do, feel, think
What’s right, wrong, uncomfortable, or easy

Others affirm, deny, encourage, avoid
Enable and disable

Contribute to who we are and can be

It’s who surrounds us
And who doesn’t

It’s what they say
And what they don’t

How they respond
Or not

No matter our strengths and weaknesses
Failures and successes
Feedback and allegiance matter
 
Others indicate the worthwhile, and the not so
Include and exclude
 
What we’re left with is up to us.

I’m thrilled to be contacted by those who enjoy my poetry. Earlier this month, Susan Kusel, of the Wizards Wireless Blog, wrote to ask permission to include excerpts from my Kilimanjaro series on her "Poetry Friday." Her brother, Russ, was due to climb Kilimanjaro, and she wanted to provide him with inspiration. How wonderful! Last week, after Russ returned from his successful ascent, Susan posted her own poem to honor his journey. Comments back to both blog posts, by readers, and Russ, himself, were, affirming, touching, and thought-provoking. Siblinghood at its best!

Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off."  Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships.  January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.

This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1.  Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2.  Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3.  Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4.  Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?

How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered.  Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?

Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo.  Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.

Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague.  She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…"  "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?"  Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.

New relationships used to get off to more comfortable starts because respect, consideration, and life-cycle stages seemed to matter.  Each person involved (or wanting to be) had incentive to keep things going—sought greater interdependence and collaboration (believed in a better quality of life as a "two").  Today, distractions and alternative options are more alluring than working on what’s infront of you—and got good possiblities.  Eyes wander more than ever before—if not in actuality, virtually.  

Cyber—cheating prevents many new connections from growing as they might have, easy "escapism" too available. High potential matches are stumped before they are started.  Serious daters (looking for a monogomous long-term relationship) dance with serial daters (those ever-seeking perfect and better). Once serial daters get what they think they want, it looses appeal and the chase becomes more exicting than the catch. On to the next!  Some endings are abrupt.  Others "fade away," one (cowardly) person knowing what they’re doing, the "worthier other" being left disappointed or surprised.

There used to be a commonly followed "three-date" practice (not to judge too quickly). Today, even second chances are hard to come by.  If someone isn’t perfect—better quality than the person ruling them out, from the very first encounter or because of an "off-moment"—there’s no hope for continuity or tolerance.  Why waste time with someone who might be human—have as many flaws as you do?  A quick fix, rather than hard work (as necessary for most everything else) prompts expectations…and disappointments.

Bravo to "Bravo" for alerting us to Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker team!  Thanks for displaying that guys one would think "apppropriate" aren’t necessarily ready—still fantasizing over unrealistic catches, or need "fine-tuning."  A show that is "out-of-the-box" in its showcasing of a service that attempts to coddle those who pay to seek what even money can’t buy. That aside, Patti’s Dating Commandments are worth checking out (millionaire or not).

Heath Ledger’s unfortunate death has generated much discussion about its nature—whether it was accidental or not. From the LA Times to Time (and beyond), it’s become a major news story!  Close family and friends of the deceased insisted right away on "accidental causes." Noone likes to think about, admit to, or acknowledge the "S"(uicide) possiblity, at anytime.

Media have provided a lot of extra/invasive hype, with many presumptive questions.  Naturally, suggestions of foul play abound, with analyses of the actor’s distresses.  Whatever the truth might actually be, we’ll never really know. Sadly, the one person who could have told us isn’t around anymore.  Apparently, he was found alone, face-down and naked on his bed, by service providers (his housekeeper and his masseuse).  Close family were thousands of miles away, and the face that Ledger gave to the world in his many outstanding film performances was, obviously, not the face he wore privately (of late).

Ledger was famous. That’s why we get to hear, see, and read about him, and his final days and hours.  But, there are many other individuals, just like this movie star, dying every day—and in our own midst. Their burnout, despair, frustration, and loneliness cannot be remedied effectively.  Accidents and non-accidents happen, closer to home and all the time…

No matter the nice things said and done after a "loved one" is gone, nothing can make up for what was not said and done when he or she was alive (manifesting that all wasn’t right). The "take-home message" is to be more mindful of those around us continually—and sensitive to our interactions with them.  We truly never know how we might affect someone else, and what the consequences might be.  What’s not a big deal for you, might be for someone else. Everything adds up.  And, sometimes, just one more disappointing encoounter may be that one more too many…

This following simple poem, "Depression Alert," is an important one to remember. I included it (below) in tribute to Ledger. His untimely death provides an opportunity to share sentiments that might not have gained exposure otherwise.  Think of those with whom your life intersects. Perhaps they need a little more attention, consideration, and follow-up than you’ve been able to give them till now.  We may all be "busy," but…

DEPRESSION ALERT!

The places you don’t go
Clothes you don’t wear
People you don’t see

Others’ imaginings…

A life of ease
Please don’t tease

The pain
Nothing you can explain

Torment deep within
Understanding thin

Not who they think you are
Distance very far

Spoken up and not heard
Silent and more congenial

Another funeral.

 

Interactions with other artists tended to involve those positioned at close proximity. But, quick wanderings around the exhibition gave an overall feel of atmosphere, energy, artwork, and personalities.  

12 artists I’d not met before, and spent time with during the Biennale are listed below (in alphabetical order). You might like to check out their work:

• Jeff Beier (sculpted painting)
• Joy Engelman (environmental painting)  
• Jim van Geet (figurative painting)  
• Pam Ingalls (Russian impressionist painting)   
• Olga Karpeisky (still life and portrait painting)
• Rian Kerrane (sculpture/installation)
• Janice Lawrence (joyful painting)  
• Charlotte Lugt (abstract painting)
• Mary Medrano (painting)  
• Miriam Pet-Jacobs (mixed media)  
• Danish Saroee (photography)  
• Mona Youseff (realist painting)  

12 artists I didn’t get to meet at the Biennale, but whose work I enjoyed viewing, are listed below (in alphabetical order):

• Ina Bartelds (floral painting)
• Karima Ben Otmen (painting with Arabian influences)
• Gina Blickenstaff (mother/child portraits)  
• Maria Catuogno (sculpture)  
• Cheri Christensen (Russian impressionist painting)
• Ann Dunbar (watercolour painting with embroidery) 
• Kimmo (Kimmo style painting)
• John van der Kolk (sculpture)
• Bria Kromm (painting with layers and symbols)  
• Nancy Lamb (figurative landscapes) 
• Maria Isabel Parra (multi-media artist)
• Sergei Zlenko (Russian figurative painting)

Some artists, attached to causes, were able to be more visible because of this:

• Pomm Hepner (watercolor painting) got extra wall exposure and mention due to her Artists for Human Rights membership. She is also a prominent Scientologist.
• Josie Taglienti (abstract pastels) promoted the Fine Art Registry, having been sponsored by them.

My Biennale display neighbors were two painters with very distinct styles and techniques:

• Denise Faegenburg  
• Amy Swartelé  

Having had a chance to review Biennale artists’ websites since the exhibition, I realize that while some had their best work on show there, others didn’t. The Biennale was, in many cases, an opportunity to sample a small piece from much larger pies and gain exposure.

Of course, there are many other artists I’d like to link in this blog entry, but that’s what the official catalogue is for, and where most participants were given equal space. Painter Nafisa Naomi, however, got a double-page spread—in advance of her winning first prize for her four canvas display, "Regeneration".  Unusual coincidence!  So did mixed media artist, Jackie Sleper—in advance of her winning first prize for her sculpture, "Modestia," given pride of place in the Biennale main foyer area (as shown here).

We don’t often know what will end up as an award winning work, or exactly why. A closer look at "Regeneration" (segment pasted below) may appear a tad disappointing—have viewers wondering how the canvases joined together (or whether they were supposed to).

Some nationalities weren’t as apparent at the Biennale as others. The Dutch had a huge contingent—97 (maybe).  840 artists from 76 countries were present, I believe.  There were also a lot of transplanted artists (those who found it hard to say which country they actually represented), like Plein Air Cottage artists, Helen Tilston and Violeta Shtumeyzen.  One evening, six of us went out for dinner, and found, by chance, that what we all had in common was being from one place but living in another.  Some had changed countries two or three times.  I could relate!  Is it the artistic spirit that encourages these moves, or modern day life?

Poems 15 and 16 provide closure to my Tanzanian travels—reveal their legacy and an after-trip evaluation of sorts.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)  Next, I’ll share the lessons of Kilimanjaro, which, I believe, helped prepare me for the Florence Biennale experience!

15.  From JRO to YYZ

It wasn’t paradise
But it was very nice

To feel, do, see without a care
In the moment
Just to be there

Coming home, not as fun
Things have changed
Inspiration won

No more half-measures
New ideas as treasures

Different perspective
More reflective

Attitude of mind
No longer to be left behind

Taking chances out of reach before
Fresh possibilities
Wide open door

Wanting more
Needing less

Pushing harder
Evaporating stress

What matters
Finding happiness

Goals simplified
Reality intensified.

16.  Trip Evaluation

Missed what was in front  
When looking behind

Missed what was within
When looking without

Regrouping, regathering
Soaping up and lathering

Coming home’s been a process
Messages mixed
Needing to be fixed

Coming home’s been a rebirth

Opportunities to do not as before
Paving the way for a whole lot more

Magic in the moment
Risk ahead of reason

Adventure needs to live
So much to give

Magic in the moment
Life is short

If we don’t do it soon
Chance is we never will

Staying with the feeling of the climb
Not wanting to run out of time

Need to make it to the top again
No matter when

No more struggle
No more muddle

Some know how
Others know now

Never want to say
I knew then

Power of doing
No more brewing

Living each new day
In a special way

Recognizing what’s good
The important understood.

 

 
Poem 14 was written on the journey home.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

14.  2 Degrees C in Toronto—Light Snow Falling

It’s a long way back from Africa
Dreams fade to realities
Magical moments diluted in airports

Travel companions shift gear
Though you’d like to hold them near

What’s been put on hold has time to unfold

2 degrees Celsius in Toronto, light snow falling
Announcement on landing

Welcome back to a world where simple pleasures easily lose focus
Ready to journey away again

Planning for what, where, when
Already.

 

Poem 13 describes final game sightings, heralding the trip’s conclusion.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

13.  Day 9

Penultimate game drive
Not as alive

Sightings less prolific
Nothing scientific

Simply, the end of the trip is nigh
Almost time to say goodbye

From more to less populous parks
Expectations and excitement, less sparks

Nature full of wonder
At the right place
In the right moment

We’ve felt it
We’ve been there
We long for it
We’ll remember it

Big beast of a jeep
Adrenaline rush
Hush!

Two cheetahs to the right
Lolling under a tree
New feeling of glee

When it’s over it’s over
Or so you think

"Hakuna Matata!"
Staying cool helps

"Caribou!"
A welcome that lasts

A family of giraffes to the left
Mother, father, three calves

Gracefully and elegantly close our trip
Of magic a real sip.

 

Poems 11 and 12 describe personalities we met along the way—highlight less typical cultural exchanges and adaptations.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

11.  Safari—Day 7

Bats by night
Bows by day

Our last tented camp
Another sleep entertained rest
Malarone dreams, the best

Wildlife squawking and screeching
Tent solid
No breaching

Electricity and water rationed
Camp hostess impassioned

Lovely Argentinean married to German
Children speak Swahili

A goddess in beads and white linen
Male travelers’ heads spinen

With the Hadzabe tribe they get to strut their stuff
Shoot arrows—just enough

Another cultural exchange

Bracelets and necklaces at a price
Reciprocity nice

Journey back
Dust hard to swallow.

12.  Safari—Day 8

Masai village resort
A transitional place
Others set the pace

Texan in charge
Enables aspiring talent to live large

Neither country nor city folk
A different life they know

A cultural exchange, quick training
Everyone gaining…or not

Masai musicians and acrobats at dinner
Later they guard our rooms
With spears, not brooms

What are they thinking?
What are we thinking?

Merging the ancient with the modern
The affluent with the down-trodden

Begging inevitable
Who are the culpable?

A future that’s hard to surge
Paths diverge

For me, not a happy feeling
We lie in our cozy beds at night
Their experience, more of a fight.

 
Poem 9 explains how campers’ fatigue had set in.  Poem 10 describes a more active way of taking in the landscape and meeting its people—cycling.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

9.  Safari—Day 6

Chips, spaghetti, canned veg and mince
Usually food that would make me wince

Last tented lunch
Ready to munch

At this point
Anything tastes good
Stomach understood.

10.  Safari—Day 7

African biking
Like its hiking

Dust, gravel, and rocks
Patience and caution
With the posterior so much contortion

The morning wind makes the awkward feel easy
A ride that’s surprisingly breezy

But, then comes the midday sun
For now, nature has won

After lunch under a shady tree
Enough for me

Banana stop
Chapatti stop
Along the way, lost en route, the momentum to stay

Village children draw near
No fear
Our food they’ll hold dear

And so our uneaten lunch we pack into a box
Gently, sweetly, the little ones share
Then comes the fox
Out of his lare

Village bully grabs what he can
That wasn’t our plan

The afternoon sun scorches
Our support vehicle hot as torches

A puncture needs to be fixed
Another adventure
Nothing nixed

Another day in Africa
Luxuriating in the moment
Not thinking about what might be elsewhere
Details swirl, but no heavy care.

 

Poems 6, 7, and 8 describe experiences in the Ngorongoro Crater area, where wildlife was more sparse and a slight safari-fatigue was manifesting.  (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

6.  Safari—Day 4

Into the crater we go
Flat topped Acacias
Then burnt brush
Followed by a nothingness

Hush, hush

An arid plain
Wind blowing
Few animals showing

A solitary ostrich struts her stuff
Finally a photo op.
No fears

Two old lions peruse
One ready to snooze
The other leaves to wander
Has us gazing yonder

A couple of bull elephants take a drink
"They’re old," our guide tells us
That this is a retirement area, it makes us think

Today, the energy’s not there
Day four, our expectations higher, for more to see
But that’s not reality

The Serengetti had us in another place
A faster pace
Multiple herds
More than just a trace.

7.  Monkey Picnic

Monkey picnic
Very slick

Jeeps move in
Monkeys too

Closed the roof too late
Monkey in
Monkey out
No time to hesitate
Monkey see
Monkey do

Cookies from the front seat gone
Greedy monkey eats every one

Other monkeys surround
No contest
He knows how to play the round

And soon the pack is gone

Working each hand
He makes a stand

A snarl as the camera nears
Really upped my fears

Bold male
Cannot fail

Young mother near
But away they steer

Tiny babies suckle
One of nature’s wonders
We chuckle.

8.  Afternoon Drive

Look and you shall see
If it’s meant to be

Pressure on to find a Rhino
Or, to let it go

An on the way, so much more found
By chance
Hyenas, Flamingos, Wildebeest abound

From a distance,Rhino finally spotted
Photos taken of profile

Though not close
Of excitement provides a dose.

 

Poem 5 describes the most potent people experience—with the Masai. (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

5.  Masai

Masai Masai everywhere

Truck in ditch
Makes them rich

One jeep pulls over to help another
Then smother smother

Children on backs of other children
The breast fed
The underfed
The snottied nose
The rings on toes

Picture, picture
Bracelet, bracelet

Haraka, haraka
Quickly, quickly

Little girls pushing sales
Make interesting tales.

Three or free
Hard to understand

From our end
Nothing planned
Clearly a routine
Can’t be mean

Dust fills the air
Nearly there

Tow chain breaks
Up go the stakes

3 jeeps hooked together
Now drizzly weather

2 pet dogs play
While in the company of the Masai we stay

Fantasies of passing the night in their huts
Could think of worse ruts

Small change spent
Time for the sinking sand to relent

Spontaneous visit done
A lot of fun
Everyone won.

 

Poems 3 and 4 are the second two Serengeti poems. (Please don’t forget to check out the other Tanzania Safari Poetry blog posts before and after this one.)

3.  Safari—Day 3/1

Warm breeze
Flapping tails
Zebras relaxing
Nothing taxing

A third game drive
The bush comes alive

Golden glow of changing light
Snow far out of site

Clear pale blue sky
Faint dustings of clouds

Another day in the life of the bush
Hush, hush

Jeep chatter
It really doesn’t matter

Nature all around
Not a sound

Waiting for something to be
Scouring for something to sight

A fight
A kill
Whatever will

Procreation
Defecation
Sensation
Elation

Ours or theirs?

Worries and cares
This hour we have none
Except with nature
To be at one.

4.  Safari, Day 3/2

From vegetation
To arid plain

From pale blue skies
To billowing clouds

From brush
to rocks

Hush in the jeep
The talkative one’s asleep

Too much excitement for one morn’
Lion cubs newly born and suckling
Lionesses devouring prey
Nothing very far away

Buffalo resting under trees
Buffalo drinking, not thinking
Diet coke can floating down stream
Garbage in a wilderness shattering a dream

Driving fast to leave the park
The vista becomes more stark

A tree here and there
Impala without a care
It’s shade they share

Alone or en groupe
They’re quite a troop

Then nothing for a while
Till jamming of breaks
Up go the stakes

Cheetah under tree

National Geographic yellow jeep
Wide angled lens pops out
Not a peep.

 

Many Kilimanjaro climbs are followed by a safari, and ours was no exception.  Also, poetic reflections kept on coming, and will be included in the blog posts immediately following.  You might also like to look back at my other poetic safari experiences from 2006:  general observations, as well as those specific to experiences in Botswana and Zambia. 

The 16 poems from the Tanzania trip have slightly different emphases and perspectives. Though there are many aha moments, the magic of first-time marveling isn’t quite as pronounced.  Also, having just climbed Kilimanjaro, any experience, no matter how special, is hard to juxtapose.

All 16 poems will be posted chronologically (over 9 blog pieces, which includes this one).  The first four poems were written in the Serengeti, which, for me, was the most potent wildlife experience. 

Poems 1 and 2 are the first two Serengeti poems.

1.  Safari, Day 2

The chorus starts well before dawn
Songs and signals
The volume rises

And still it’s dark outside
Beyond our tents so many animals hide

It’s their space
Not ours
We’re visitors here

Zipped in for the night
Nothing should we fear

Escort with bow an arrow led the way
And, in our tents, we’re supposed to stay

Window canvas open, mesh protecting
A dark clear sky is all we see
Starry, starry, starry night.

2.  Safari Recap—Day 1 - 2

Antelope, gazelles, jackals
Warthogs, lions with cubs
Hyenas and leopard
Elephants, giraffes, zebra
Wildebeest
Hippos, swallows, vultures…

To name but some that we saw
A thirst for more

And, disappointed we weren’t
Next day, a whole day drive
The feeling of being so alive

Watching in wonder and awe
Just as you thought you’d seen the best
Then came more

Dead zebra and hypo
Natural deaths

Dead jackal
Road kill

Wounded and bloodied zebra
Lion kissed but missed

Another lion charging for prey
Not fast enough
All ran away

At the watering hole they knew what to do
Flap their tails, grunt, and cry
None of them were going to die

Solitary bull giraffes
Gave us interesting views
But, a herd of elephants, our very best news

Monkeys preened
Baboons watched over lionesses and their cubs

Tourist-contained jeeps gathered in hubs

Hippos—a hundred or more
Wallowing in their pooh
The biggest outdoor loo

Crocodiles and birds provided picturesque backdrops
So many stops!
A Hamerkop’s giant nest
Oxpacka birds’ symbiosis with giraffes

So many herds
So many terds.

 
The two poems that follow look at transitioning back to reality—our own world of others and the Tanzanian roadscape that we found ourselves traveling through (Kilimanjaro, behind and above the clouds and the meaning it may imbue, personally and locally).

8.  Explaining to Others

Explaining to others
Is hard to do

The pain, the gain
The fight, the plight

The keeping going
The inner knowing

The turning of day into night
And night into day

Snow, ice, wind
Burned our faces
Wounds as traces

We know we were there
Our bodies too

But, pinch me now
To put into words
That others can understand

Peek experiences
Intended to be shared

Special moments are private
But things done together
No matter the weather
Give other rewards

A chance of a lifetime experience
Something to hold dear
Especially when others with you have been near.

9.  On the Road

Dust and dirt
Fumes and noise

Back to a reality of sorts

The adventure continues

Skinny goats and cows
Bones protruding

Roadside huts and store fronts
Locals milling
Even for a shilling

Coca Cola clearly the drink of choice
Celtel the monopoly for text and voice

The two biggest advertisers influence
But, where’s the opulence?

You decide

Rich dyes and prints
Each unique
Make wonderful clothes

Women with basket trays of bananas on head
Make a colorful scene
As do their children
School uniforms pristine

About the rest
It’s hard to know yet

Smiles on faces
Police checkpoints enforced

An order amid chaos
Slowly, slowly—pole, pole

Donkeys travel the same road as cars
But many locals walking and talking
Active and out there

Not the most progressive place in the world
But, does that matter?

Western eyes quick to judge
Western minds quick to nudge

Leave these people be
If they’re in harmony

The vibrancy of the plants say it all
Potted for purchase on the curbside
Jacarandas high above
A haze of blue and mauve

Bougainvillea
Dashes of pink
Makes you think.

 
The following two poems look at impact:  after-climb thoughts and reflections.

6.  Day 8—After Climb

Up there
Down here

Down here
Up there

Losing the fear

What once seemed difficult
Might not longer be

What once was out of reach
Attainable in reality

2 days on
The climb is but a dream

2 days on
Thoughts of home flow in

The wanting to stay in this space
Not that

The wanting more time away
Just to play

The wanting to shift
From an environment that doesn’t gel
Where the air is stale
And people pale

The wanting to be in the now, not just today
Feel alive in every way

Vital, intense, passionate, active
The Kili climb reminded me…

Who I was and how I can be.

7.  Day 8—Camaraderie

With some you can
And others you can’t

With some you will
And others you won’t

There’s no knowing who, where, what, when
Except by how you feel
And what you’re enabled to do

The right group
At the right time
In the right moment

Being confident of others around
Made everything feel sound

Knowing we were on the same team
Made hurdles a dream

Familiar and not
About each other we learned a lot

But, oh so much more to know

Seeds of friendship to grow
Or, just right for the circumstance

A special connection, no matter what
A great beginning
Kindred spirits as they are
Not fancied up in a jar

Bonds that’ll mature
Or, bonds that’ll slow?

Magic and mystery surround
Coincidence and luck abound

Staying open is what counts

Continuing onward, upward, forward
No markings on the trail ahead
Spontaneity instead.

 
The first of the next two poems describes approaching the final ascent.  The second records having made it to the top.

4.  Day 5

Nearly there
In the world without a care
Except getting there

What an accomplishment to make it
Real and raw
No way to fake it

What a dream to be above the clouds
See the winding paths we have traveled

Step by step
Minute by minute
Ache by ache
We’re closer to our goal

This time tomorrow
Pole by pole
To the top of Kili we’ll stroll

Winded, worn, and wary
There’ll be nothing scary

What a climb
What a rhyme
Just in time

To complete something others don’t dare to try
Cautiously
Carefully
And with a sigh

What an opportunity
A privilege
A gift

From doing nothing else there can be such a lift

In the moment
Or telling what was
No need for any because

And, what comes next
Who knows?

Applying lessons learned along the Machame Way
To a very different N. American every day.

5.  Day 6, Kili Ascent:  Success

Strong in body
Strong in mind

Strong in mind
Strong in body

To do things out of the ordinary
In ways that are extraordinary

To watch others trying them too

Those who can
Those who can’t

Those who could
Those who would

Those who did.

 
The two poems that follow here are mid-climb, on a long Day 4.

2.  Kilimanjaro, Day 4/1

Equal when challenged
Challenged when equal

The day is long
The body becomes strong

And so too the mind

Others’ responses you can’t always gage
Except with Kilimanjaro as stage

Those who like to talk
And those who don’t

Those who give signals in other ways
A posture, a glance, a shrug
Even a little tug

Camaraderie versus competition
Encouragement versus criticism
Affection versus rejection

A group spirit endures
To everyone, a round of applause.

3.  Kilimanjaro, Day 4/2

Candy wrappers show the way
Who would have thought?
Toilet paper marks the spot
Who would have known?
Cell phone signals around most bends
Who would have guessed?

All true—no jest

Then there’s nature…

Volcanic scree
Treacle scented flowers
Cactus palms that look like people
Caves and rocks
Clouds moving in and out
And through the mist, a burst of blue
The bluest blue you’ve ever seen
In reality, or on screen

A movie this climb is not
It’s so much more

Altitude sickness
Drug reactions
Freezing cold
And outdoor toilets
Offer experiences never had before

The challenge
The fear
The relief
The satisfaction

Each has its place and time

Nearly there
Nearly there
Pole, pole
Slowly, slowly

The final ascent is but 24 hours away
Oh what a day—though it’ll be night through early morn’

Each trail we’ve taken to get to this point
Has tested every joint

The long, the short, the in between

And now the even longer
For the even stronger

The will is there
And so is the way

Pole, pole
Slowly, slowly
The best plan
Woman or man

Contrary to the N. American way
Something to remember
A take-home gift with which to play.

 

Climbing Kilimanjaro was truly a life-changing experience—one I’ve been savoring almost daily since returning.  Some of the details are fading and the final hours of the ascent are a little sketchy.  Only talking with those who were there with me helps, and explaining to others properly is difficult sometimes.  However, from Day 3 of the climb, my wordscapes (poetic ramblings) started up, and I’m very glad to have them to look back at now.  These are where I record details and  feelings in the moment (or shortly afterwards). Even those who weren’t with us on the climb, I’ve found, have the opportunity to get a better sense of what transpired by giving this poetic journal a quick look.   

All poems will be entered chronologically.  The first Kilimanjaro poem is included below, and eight more will be divided between the next four blog posts.

1.  Kilimanjaro, Day 3

No I can’t
Yes I can

No I won’t
Yes I will

Climbing the mountain
Or going to the bathroom
Hesitation
Then elation

Every sensation counts
Tension mounts

Nothing to worry about
Except getting there

About the rest of life
Not a care

The body is what matters
All its pitter-patters

From drug reactions
Tingles and jingles
To rumblings and mumblings

Food and drink
Give us a lot to talk about
As do other folk along for the climb

The mood is high
Pain we want to deny

The humor is good
Most jokes understood

Personalities emerge
Memories surge

Our reality is the now we are in

Nights are cold
Sleep interrupted

Dreams in pieces
Time to think or not

Just the packing
Unpacking
Sorting
And rearranging
Gives us enough to do

Onward and up
We hope to go
Nausea, headaches and all
A thought to appall

The mind is willing
Challenged
The body too

Can we, will we?
Yes please!
Thrill me.

I’ve developed an interesting (and practical) habit of being in one place but posting blog entries about another.  When my paintings shipped to Florence at the end of October, in preparation for the December Florence Biennale, I shipped myself to Africa (Tanzania).

It was a long-time special dream to be able to climb Kilimanjaro, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I, or the the mountain, would have to realize it.  What perfect timing to get out of the mind and into the body!  After 10 months of uninterrupted painting and related duties, I was ready for a different type of physical challenge—something I didn’t know would test my mental and emotional strength too.  

If you look back to my blog entries for the end of October, 07, you’ll notice the one from the 24th is entitled Endurance, and the one from the 28th is entitled Stamina.  Ironic!  On reflection, I’m clear that my best training for climbing Kilimanjaro might have been painting for the Florence Biennale! Please check out my Candid Artist Ramblings list, posted on my birthday/rebirth (October 19), the day I set out for Africa.  My sudden and acute awareness of transferable skills and attitudes has been eye-opening and educational since.  

I wasn’t the fittest person in the group, I also hadn’t done enough (almost any) training.  So, how did I make it to the top (be in the 50% who do, and the only woman among peers)?  I think three factors helped:  

1. I had the proper clothing (and wore it)—really took time to organize packing and followed all formal instructions from guidebooks and informal instructions from travellers who’d succeeded previously.

2. I didn’t try to be clever or take chances in any way—used poles, ate and hydrated well, listened to the guides in going "pole, pole" (slowly, slowly), and took the necessary meds.  Thank you Diamox (altitude sickness inhibitor)!  Even though this drug made my hands and feet tingle relentlessly, it was a very good friend and support.  

3.  I didn’t go on the climb with the idea that I had to make it all the way.  I was aware that I might not have the capacity to do so, and could forgive myself weaknesses.  Competition was not what this journey was about for me.  It was more of a spiritual quest about being there and experiencing whatever was meant to be—and accepting it, while still fit and young enough to get myself over there.  

The lead-up days to the final ascent were a honeymoon of sorts.  The final ascent was a whole different story—nothing similar—the most challenging physical endeavor I have ever faced (and no one had informed me about properly).  What kept me going on the final ascent?  Three gifts:

1. The camaraderie of those with whom I was climbing and our attentive guides.  

2. The not knowing what was coming next and not having been prepared for the worst—being in a situation I could do nothing about and just getting on with it.

3.  The not-giving up factor, once I was so close, and because there was no real reason to.  How could I go down (in still bad weather conditions) if I hadn’t made it up?  We’d been climbing for six days and, at the 11th hour, I couldn’t justify turning back. It was the same way down if you made it up or not,  and I couldn’t find a good enough reason to turn around.  Not thinking about what I was actually doing or the discomfort of continuing also helped.  Automatic movements and focusing on other thoughts—and struggles—became a lot more meaningful and empowering. I acknowledged that I never really give up, no matter how awful the task is, making the climb a metaphor for so much more.

For the last hour I wept my way up, partly out of pain, partly out of emotion—maybe more out of emotion. I couldn’t turn off my tears or howls. The tears froze and the howls got absorbed by the wind.  The feelings were intensely private.  But, as discussed later with climbing peers, appropriately universal.  These guys had had their own emotional releases too!  Reaching the top, we all embraced.  It was a magical moment in a glacial wonderland where we were too cold and tired to take photos or stick around.

On October 29, 07, back in Moshi, I was able to check e-mail, and saw that a friend had forwarded a New York Times Sunday Magazine feature article by Tom Bissell about his own Kilimanjaro climb, "Up the Mountain Slowly, Very Slowly." It had been published the day before, on October 28, 07.  What a coincidence!  And, even more interesting, Bissell had been based in Rome, pre-trip—unable to fully-prepare himself, either…

Looking for fun "stocking stuffers," Chanukah ideas, house-warmers, and shower, kicthen, or "just because" gifts?

Please be aware that souvenir reproductions of "Buon Appetito!’s"’ twenty images are being sold by the Good Neighbours’ Fund (mangaged by TD Waterhouse, Yonge/St. Clair branch).  This is to help support Buon Appetito! showing at the Florence Biennale.

Please contact the Good Neighbours’ Fund, directly, if you would like to purchase few-of-a-kind souvenir reproductions of "Buon Appetito!" Your interest is much appreciated.

Items being offered currently are listed below. Please click on the image included here, as guide, or go to the "Buon Appetito!" exhibit page to see more.

 
• Five-card greeting card packs are $20 (Fruit-y, Sweet-ie, Vegg-ie, and Fun-ky).

• Individual greeting cards are $4.50 each.

• Bookmarks (with four images) are $2.00 each (Berrries, Fruit+Veg, Sweets, Italian, Tropical).

• Ceramic fridge magnets (measuring 2.5" square) are $10 each.

• 12" unframed prints are $15 each.

• Decorative ceramic tiles are, per tile: 3"—$15, 4"—$20, 6"—$30, 8"—$40.

• Decorative marble tiles are, per tile: 4"—$20, 6" —$35, 8"—$45.

p.s.  DocSusan’s exhibit overview page is now posted on the Biennale’s World Fine Artists’ Site 

Last night, the newly launched Yonge/St. Clair Good Neighbours’ Fund held its first community celebration/fundraiser at Grano, which from all reports in was a great success.  The event was on behalf of my Florence Biennale exhibit.

Here are some quotes included in the Good Neighbours’ Fund brochure: 

"St. Clair to ArtWalk and the new Wychwood Barns project, to the recent success with Luminato, we have a great deal to be proud of here in Toronto. I am proud to be part of a small effort to make up for the misguided cancellation of the Public Diplomacy Program which used to help fund artists to show their works abroad.   We are truly blessed to have such a talented artist in Susan Makin living and working in our Riding of St. Paul’s.” 
CAROLYN BENNETT
Member of Parliament
St. Paul’s, Toronto

"I have always felt that all arts (and crafts) benefit by rubbing elbows with one another, so I am happy to see food and the visual arts doing just that at The Good Neighbours’ Fund Celebration.  Congratulations on your launch!  Having had significant support from my own community over my life, I am a firm believer in initiatives like this one.  There’s no better place to discover and
support talent than close to home. Very best of luck to you!"
LAURA CALDER
French Food at Home
Food Network, Canada

(Earlier related blog entries include:  Toronto Preview—Florence Biennale Exhibit, Yonge/St. Clair Innovation—The Good Neighbours’ Fund, and Why Canadian Talent Moves Away from Canada.)

Instead of giving a thank-you speech, I read the poem that follows—written especially for the event.  For those who weren’t able to make it to the event, and those who’d like to know more about it, I thought this was the best place to share what I said:

From Boston, to Toronto, to Florence—and Back?

Painting happily in Boston
An invitation arrived

You’ve been chosen by an International Committee of Judges
The President of the Biennale wrote

Which country will you represent?  he needed to know

Canada, of course!  No hesitation

I was ready to come "home"

26 years ago, I settled here
And, to me, this place has become very dear

But, in order to succeed, as many do
A forée across the border broadened my scope
Prompted opportunities
Enabled fresh hope

Thus my work began
To make Canada proud, or so I thought
To become an "emerging Canadian artist," or so I wished

Alas, barely started, I nearly stopped
The painting was my passion, but not the expense
The painting was my vocation, but not the run-around

After close to ten months of rejections
A thousand e-mails and phone calls unanswered
I’m still here to tell the tale
and say THANK YOU

I don’t give up easily
And nor do you!

From one little lead
There got planted a valuable seed
When all else fails, neighbors can be there to help you out
Hear you shout
Stand by your side
Protect another Canadian hyde

An idea for a celebration/fundraiser came into being
Thank you Dr. Carolyn Bennett, MP for St. Paul’s

That idea for a celebration connected to a venue
Thank you Roberto Martella, proprietor of Grano

Next, a committee formed
Thank you David, Danny, Graham, Peter, Ryan and Saverio
My men in shining armour, who’ve enabled this happening

Thank you also to all the business keepers, friends, and acquaintances
who understood the plight

I aplologize if anyone is missed
Please don’t be that little word that rhymes—P-I-S-S-E-D

From those who donated prizes
to those who provided rereshments
to those who volunteered time and energy before and on this night
to those who displayed and forwarded posters and invitations
put up with me…and more

An Academy Awards Speech this is not, but to remember there’s a lot

Off to Florence my precious collection will go
And in six weeks, I will join them

For now, that’s all we know

Looking to the future, no one really can predict what’s ahead

Long live the Good Neighbors’ Fund
For whatever assistance it can provide
Nurture the dreams of other talented Canadians
that they stay in Canada
Not feel forced in other countries to reside.

Tonight’s the big night!  Our Yonge/St. Clair Good Neighbours’ Fund celebration/fundraiser is happening at Grano—on behalf of my Florence Biennale exhibit.  Please join us—from 7pm, 2035 Yonge Street.  Also, please check out the Florence Biennale website for updates about what will be happening in Italy in December.

There are many people to thank—and prizes and suprises.  Since this has been a real community/team effort, I wanted to list and acknowledge who’s been involved and how:

SPECIAL GUESTS
• Hon. Dr. Carolyn Bennett, MP for St. Paul’s
• Kim McBrien, New Director, Visual Arts Ontario
• Yonge/St. Clair neighbours and friends

SPECIAL THANKS
• Hon. Dr. Carolyn Bennett, MP:  suggesting such a celebration
• Roberto Martella:  hosting the celebration at Grano
• TD Waterhouse (Yonge/St. Clair Branch):  staff/logistical support
• The Town Crier:  making this a "local news story"
• Neighbours, friends, and businesses (Eglinton to Bloor and beyond):  publicity assistance
• Laura Calder, Food Network Canada for her terrific endorsement (for the Fund brochure)

SPECIAL DONATIONS
• Grano (2035 Yonge Street):  the venue and refreshments
• World Class Bakers (690 St. Clair Ave. W.):  refreshments
• $300 fund kick-off cheque:  an "anonymous friend"
• Pansies painting for silent auction: Susan Makin

DOOR AND RAFFLE PRIZES
• Alexia Von Beck (1228 Yonge St.)
• All The Best Fine Foods (1101 Yonge St.)
• Dimmi Bar and Trattoria (140 Cumberland St.)
• Home Hardware (1420 Yonge St.)
• Indoors and Out ( 2045 Yonge St.)
• Jivamukti Yoga (5 Shuter Street, 3rd floor)
• Laywine’s Pens and Organizers (25 Bellair St.)
• Petplan Insurance (Winnipeg, Manitoba)
• Picture Me (128 Cumberland St.)
• Printziples Fine Art (1470 Yonge St.)
• Spa - Nails (1244 Yonge St.)
• The Spice Room (55 Avenue Rd.)
• TDWaterhouse (Yonge/St. Clair Branch)

TALENT/EXPERTISE
• Product Photo,technical/practical support (productphoto.on.ca)
• Lindsay Goldman, photography
• Armor Media, product development (armormedia.com)
• Gary Wiseman, magic

TIME, ENERGY, AND PATIENCE
• Ryan and Sonia Shapiro, Armor Media
• David Bernstein, Product Photo
• The Good Neighbours’ Fund Executive
(Ryan Green, Graham Kennedy, Susan Makin,
Peter Paz, Danny Pivnick, Saverio Veltri)

Last Sunday evening, I enjoyed a very "fine dining" opportunity at ONE—Toronto’s latest hot-spot restaurant.  Usually, I’m not such a "fine diner" or restaurant reviewer.  But, the visiting couple who invited me to join them there—as an extra special treat—thought our experience might make an interesting blog entry…

Our reservation was put through a month ago, when ONE first opened.  However, when we arrived at the restaurant, though confirmation had been given earlier that day (after I returned a hang-up on my cell phone) there was no indoor table for us.  As a result of insisting, several times, that we had not booked and did not want an outside table (it being a cooler evening), we were obliged with the "best table in the house."

Despite it really being the "best table in the house" (nestled in a corner), the acoustics still made hearing each other difficult.  When you’re with older folk, hearing can be a delicate matter at the best of times.  So can eyesight (though even I, with 20/20 vision, couldn’t manage to read the small-print menu in dim light without straining). That said, ONE was prepared to not have its clientele stress over "failing faculties."  Noticing our awkwardness, a server delivered a box of Josephson spectacles to the table (four pairs arranged in order of lense intensity).  My gentleman host tried on two of the pairs and gave up.  The only alternative was for me to recite the entire menu to him.

My recitation was interrupted several times by a very eager server who told us that the restaurant’s intention was that we share our food tapas-style.  My lady host insisted that she had no desire to do that.  Brits can get to the point fast—we all knew what we wanted and we all wanted the same thing—basically fish, chips, and salad…  Since we weren’t sharing a variety of different foods, we’d now just wished to be advised about quantities.  Three fish, two salads, and two chips could work nicely, we were told.  In actuality, we might have done better with only one order of chips.  While the fish portions were petite, the chips portions weren’t.  The salad portions were just right.

My hosts would have preferred to have all the food come out together, but the server who’d instructed us on being supposed to eat tapas-style, also insisted that salads should come before the rest, and couldn’t be dissuaded.  Finally, came the desserts:  a chocolate truffle of sorts, Timbit-like donuts infused (or stuffed) with "cheesecake" (a liquidy substance), and ice-cream.  We each chose differently, and it was the simplest (plain ice cream) that was the best liked.  The desserts weren’t as special as what came before, we all agreed.

Since I’m not much of a drinker, I stuck with water.  My hosts, however, wanted to try two different Canadian wines.  After deliberation, the sommelier did them an (off-the-menu) favor.  Apparently, a reprint of the wine list, which would be out the next day, was going to include more Canadian wines, as well as by-the-glass selections.

Brits like to ask questions, especially when they’re in atypical environments.  We were all intrigued (and, as animal-lovers, somewhat disturbed) by the decor.  Apparently, it was the work of Yabu Pushelberg. We felt overwhelmed by the cow or horse hair(?) walls in the main dining area (dyed gray), and pig skin suede (?) around the reception foyer (already looking worn in parts).  Aligator print (?) embossed leather covered wrap around seating.  Exact details were uncertain since each employee gave different answers.

The servers and receptionists were all young and sweet, and tried hard to please, but weren’t as polished as one might have expected for a venue where it’s easy to run up a $350 tab for modest food and drink selections.

Finally, came the "loo"—or "luna landscape" as my lady host came to call it. She insisted on going there before we left, and I accompanied her.  As we exited our separate cubicles, we both had the same response.  "Do you know the doors are see-through?!"  Whether this effect was meeting a trend, or simply an accident, she was more taken aback than impressed.

All in all we had a very fun evening at ONE—even if it was so for reasons we weren’t anticipating.  And, as my hosts told me on the drive back to their more conventional/elegant accommodations at the Royal York, they’d have hours of dinner stories to share with other friends, here and back home.

p.s.  After reading this blog entry to a friend, before posting, she alerted me to Amy Pataki’s professional restauant review from last weekend.  It seems our findings about ONE weren’t unusual —though Amy speaks with more bluntly and authoritatively than I do.  Regardless of what’s been shared, I am confident that Mark McEwan will be able to turn things around, quickly.  Every beginning is hard, and he certainly is a lot more ambitious and risk-taking than most of us would ever dare to be.  Best of luck to him!

Let’s be realistic—and honest.  Standards are set very high these days by what we think is true, but actually isn’t.  Magazine touch-ups are an obvious way to recognize how what’s raw and real gets distorted and embellished. 

Lindsay Lohan is an over-played but obvious example. First, let’s take a look at her Elle (September 2007) cover photo, which is only the latest in a series of magazine cover photos.  Then, let’s take a look at her July 24 (07) police mug shot.  Show business would have her appear one way. The law clearly shows her another way…  

How has Lohan gone from that to this or this to that?  Is it fair to blame someone/thing else? Is it even fair to blame her, or her family, friends, and entourage? Is it our business, anyway? Not really—except if she’s a danger to others, which is highly likely with an arrest for drunk driving and cocaine possession.  But, then again, DUI, is no big deal these days—or so it seems for young celebrities.

Paris Hilton, after her promises to stop partying after her DUI jail time, was soon back to her frivolities. Then there’s her off-on "best friend," Nicole Richie, also up for DUI jail time.  Apparently, a boyfriend and pregnancy are the "two major influences" that will break the "bad ‘pattern’" in her life.  Imminent motherhood, she believes, will make her more responsible.  But, shouldn’t she be more responsible first, in order to merit being a mother?  A tad confusing! Or, maybe, not.  We’ve all heard about Britney Spears, and seen how she defends her motherhood foibles.

Sadly, in a society where decent role models don’t seem to get the news coverage they deserve and appropriate consequences are sorely lacking, anything seems to go and be acceptable.  No press is bad press, especially when it can generate $$$$$.

Some people are seen to have it all, and squander what they have.  Others have very little, but are genuine—turn out better human beings, no limelight necessary.

Why would we want to emulate images/icons that are contrived and fleeting—represent actualities that only exist on a glossy page, offering glimpses of what might never be possible or sustainable?

The "too good to be true" is around us everywhere.  Sometimes, we ignore it.  Other times, we’re ready to be taken in by it.  It all depends on how vulnerable (and/or gullible) we are. Self-esteem, need, greed, and fear can cloud judgment, as does peer pressure and bullying.  So, finding ways to keep things in perspective—not relying on perception being reality—is important. Be aware:

1.  Promises are only as good as those who make them.
2.  What happens quickly can unhappen more quickly.
3.  Even it’s free now, you’ll be paying for it later (and probably a lot more).
4.  The easier it is, the less value and longevity it might have.
5.  Telling the truth might get you into trouble.  Not telling it can get others into trouble.  And, when others are in trouble, you may no longer call the shots—they will.
6.  Just because you’re sure of yourself, it doesn’t mean others are sure of you.  And, when you’re sure of others, you might not be sure of yourself.

We all want to think the best, dream of a better tomorrow, and have hope for the future.  It’s a natural survival instinct!  However, what’s more important is to know where, how, and when to draw the line—not be taken in by ourselves, as well as others.  Regardless, we never know how long we have, or how forces beyond our control might change everything in an instant.  Take, for instance, the bridge collapse in Minnesota—a sad reminder and wake-up call, like most unexpected tragedies, to stop dwelling on the superficial (and those who are impressed by it).

The "best things in life" are said to be "free,"
but sometimes there’s reason to wonder,
especially if single and looking…

 

RELUCTANT = Not wanting to be in a particular situation but not really having a choice, so having to get on with it, however possible…

Singles Who Are "Reluctant" Are Easily Identifiable:

1. They don’t want to be single at all, short or long-term—know singlehood to be a lonely/inadequate state, no matter the positive spin put on it for others’ benefit.
2. They are concerned about being different to all their coupled friends—left out, as well as left behind.
3.  They regret and are preoccupied with missing "developmental stages"—marriage and children.
4.  They recognize that some are more equal than others—a wedding band is still seen as a "ring of success" by most.
5. They are tired of singles’ gimmicks/an exploitative "singles market"—merchandise and media that don’t respect who singles are and can be as people, just profit from and/or make fun of their vulnerabilities.
6. They’re familiar with getting excluded by couples (and family members)—those who used to be single (and singles-friendly) when they were trying to move on from that status, themselves.

"Reluctant Singles" Realize:

1. Complaining doesn’t help—just makes them appear bitter/whiney—seen to be deserving to be single.
2. Non-singles might not care about their single friends’ single status as much as others who are single.  Being in a relationship can often make it harder to empathize—there are other more pressing problems (which is, usually, true).
3. Society doesn’t properly accommodate its singles majority—it’s still a "couples’ world," for the most part.
4. Singles need to make a lot of fuss in order to be heard when their (true) messages and issues aren’t upbeat—funny, inspirational, or entertaining.
5. What’s hard to acknowledge (about singles’ struggles) is more readily ignored.
6. Only "reluctant singles" really know what’s challenging about their circumstances—what needs to change to help those looking, or how singlehood might be made more agreeable.  However, their ideas aren’t always good for business.  ("Singles’ businesses" are, for the most part, profit- not people-oriented, or charities.)

When The Price is Wrong:

For singles not sure about which singles’ businesses to trust—who’s not simply looking to make a quick buck from them—it’s important to be aware of these common occurences:

1.  Event/trip planners who don’t let clients know exactly who might be attending (ratio of men to women, ages, intellects/interests)?  They’ll have a participant along, even if they know the mix isn’t suitable.  An unsuspecting client starts out by trying to enjoy the activity, but that can’t suffice.  The activity was only a mechanism, not the purpose for attendance or outlay.
2.  Matchmakers who offer unsuitable matches repeatedly, or who misrepresent personal profile information (like age, interests, empoyment, appearance, etc.).  Then, clients are told they’re too picky for declining them.  Those who don’t have the inventory and take clients’ money, anyway, "in the hope that…" can have even the smartest fooled.
3.  Websites and singles’ groups where clients have to sign on for a specific number of dates or events, paying a lump sum up front.  Then, after one, two, or three not-as-advertised experiences, it’s clear things aren’t going to change for the better and nothing can be done about the loss.  Plus, the organizers, who were super reassuring in the beginning, aren’t nearly as nice later on…
4.  For dating sites, especially, are there small-print roll over possibilities, that if you don’t cancel, formally, for next month you’ll be paying out indefinitely?  Then, signing off doesn’t mean signing out.  Previous members may still be bombarded with mailings and their canceled profiles for ever visible.
5.  "Special helpers" and "teachers’ pets" seem to be given first dibs on the "hottest" suitors.  When a singles’ group has a volunteer workforce, rules may be meant to be broken. 
6.  Singles’ operators who are "single operators" can build their business around their own search.  This means, they too often, can put their own, rather than their clients’, needs first.
7.  Groups/websites that don’t have a "manners protocol"—that those written to should respond, even to say "no"—don’t always display the customer-friendly behaviors themselves.
8.  Groups that favor numbers over quality may be more concerned with their own profit margin, than pleasing the customer.  Helping someone to meet their "basherte" is a blend of skill, patience, luck and expertise—requires humanity and humility.  Often, the more flash and anonymous the website, the more cause to be suspicious. 

When the Price is Fair:

Recommendations/A few "singles’ connectors" that stand out from the rest:

• For Travel:  Backroads’ agents, generally, will give potential clients an idea of the make up of their solo travelers’ groups—also, they’re not for singles per se, which is why singles probably gravitate to/enjoy them.

• For Matchmaking/Event Organizing:  Elsa, Malinsky, founder and operator of Besherte, puts  heart and soul into her vocation.  Her "success stories" and obvious interest in clients’ wellbeing make this clear.

• For On-Line Dating: RightStuff has a "manners protocol" in place, and Dawne (its founder) encourages reporting non-responders.  There’s also a pay-per-profile-view billing system.

Please help add to this list of "Recommended Singles’ Connectors."  Of course, there may be more that are not recommended.  If you have a tale to tell, others who are "newer to the ‘game’" will appreciate being alerted.  A list can also be made of those to avoid… 

"Reluctant Singles’" Allies (Friends, Acquaintances, and Community/Faith-Based Groups) Might:

1. Risk creating opportunities for singles to share their feelings, unedited—in ways that don’t have to be funny or fantastical (just true).
2. Help change the rules (written and not)—make provisions for greater singles’ inclusion, privately as well as in public.  For instance, "two for the price of one" hasn’t been the best deal in town for a long time.
3. Try to bring about "matches" for singles in their lives, wherever appropriate and practical—put in the extra effort even when they’re not asked to do so.
4. Take initiatives to include and/or match-make—especially if/since they’ve been there too and should still understand.
5. See the whole picture—be aware of social change and how successful relationships aren’t always a given, healthful alternatives/good friends and supporters being all the more necessary.
6. Not do what others do—do what needs to be done.  Be welcoming, helpful, resourceful, and creative, even if few can be seen to be setting that example.

Reminder:  Singles’/Dating Businesses are Businesses—and News-Makers:

Generally, no matter how altruistically "singles’ operators" present themselves or their services, they’re chief goal is, usually, to make money.  As much of it as possible—quickly.  If, along the way, singles hook up, or find happiness in their single status, it’s a bonus/good pr!

Some singles’ businesses are known to be more of a rip off than others—what you pay out can’t  guarantee what you’ll get back.  Sometimes, when you pay more you get less.  Though many think the more the better—the greater their chance of meeting the perfect upscale "Mr. or Miss Right."

A "Singles’ Business," Dinnerworks, was featured in the Toronto Star’s 2007 Build a Business Challenge.  Susan Kates, Dinnerworks’ owner, wrote about her business issue in January: "Dinnerworks is in a very hot and very sexy market, the singles market…It’s a billion dollar industry. Dinnerworks should be exploding like wildfire. But it’s not."

Kates realized, as the Star noted, that Dinnerworks was "more complicated to run than she’d thought—and a lot more labour intensive."  She’d bought Dinnerworks in 2004 from its original owner, when its focus was "four men," "four women," and "dinner." According to a quick Google search, that’s similar to what the Toronto Dinner Club’s website advertises now. (Confusing!) Kates is trying to develop other foci. "Good Taste, Good Times, Good Company" and "Eat, Drink, and Meet Mary" are Dinnerworks’ new bylines, and dinners for six to twelve just one of three types of offerings. She’d also welcome US franchises.

In February, only one month into the "Challenge," Kates was reported as "glowing with a new-found sense of growth."  She’d met with a variety of advisors. Lifecapture Interactive, who helped her with the the redesign of her website, thought she’d be able to build up her database, from 12,000 to 20,000 people, within a few months…

Curious about Dinnerworks, and how it appears to be doing since its makeover?  Check out the revamped website, and go to the In the News Page.  Interestingly, there’s no reference to the Toronto Star’s Build a Business Challenge involvement (or thanks)—just old news clippings and links from 2002 and 2003.

Dinnerworks is just one example of a business poising itself to pounce on a lucrative market of those ever-hoping to be convinced that somebody else can (be paid to) provide them safe passage from "reluctant singlehood."

While the Toronto Star exposed Dinnerworks’ business struggles this winter (07), the National Post, displays other Canadian singles’/introductory services’ successes this summer (07).  Its weekend financial section had a front-page header, "Why Canada is Capital of the Online Dating Business."  This showed how lucky and lucrative the singles’/dating market can prove business-wise, with the right tools, timing, and market sensibility. 

Grant Surridge’s feature article, "Kingdom of the Online Cupids," describes Canadian dating site, Plentyoffish.com, as the third most popular in North America (according to Hitwise, the traffic tracker).  Plentyoffish’s founder/sole operator, Markus Frind, works out of his apartment.  While his site is completely free for users, the text ads appearing alongside profiles bring in US$5-million per annum. Very clever!  With the cost of looking being on someone else’s tab, profile posters don’t feel taken advantage of financially.

Noel Biderman (chief operating officer of AshleyMadison.com), on the other hand, gives justification for charging consumers as much as possible.  He is quoted as saying, "The more you actually make your site cater to people of like mind, the more you can charge.  So, from a business perspective, there’s a lot of value there."  Apparently, AshleyMadison (a service for "wandering partners and spouses") has earned "around $20-million" since its start, five years ago.

Former Lavalife employee, Mitchell Solway also believes that "niche-development" is the way to go, noting that "25% of North American singles are parents, and 40% of online daters are single parents."  However, Solway’s charges do try to be consumer-sensitive.  His new site, SingleParentLoveLife.com’s "low subscription fee" is "to weed out people who just want to look."  Advertisers are targeted to "bring in the lion’s share of revenue."

How many things do you say you’re going to do for yourself, but don’t do?  How many things do you say you’re going to do for other people, but don’t do?  When you disappoint yourself, no one else has to know.  When you disappoint others, the consequences can be wider. 

What was the intention behind offering what you did?
1. To impress?
2. To connect?
3. To meet a challenge?
4. To get someone off your back—temporarily, at least? 

Had you not offered to do something for someone else, what might have been different in their response to you?  Would they have:
1. Thought less of you?
2. Ceased to engage with you?
3. Made you feel powerless?
4. Spoken badly of you to others?

Had you admitted you couldn’t follow through, could things have been worse?  Probably not:
1.  Honesty is still, always, the best policy.
2.  Respect is earned from being up front (acknowledging and explaining limitations), not generating false hopes—"spoofing" your way through.
3.  Showing you have the will but not the way (this one time) doesn’t preclude future opportunities.
4.  Pride that comes before a fall might have helped create it.

Intentions matter—what’s behind our words.  Are they empty, or are they supposed to lead to actions/help change outcomes/really assist others? 

When someone who’s supposed to be helping you behaves "out of character"—doesn’t return phone calls or e-mails, and is (indefinitely) unavailable—you know there’s a problem.  They’ve offered more than they can do.  Under pressure, and in fear of failure, a "sayer" becomes a "player," and trust is gone.

There’s "sayers" and "doers."  "Doers" don’t often say very much.  They’re too busy doing.  Also, you’re less likely to know their names.  "People in the news," or in positions of authority are seen to promise a lot, increasing their own exposure/power.  But, that’s all, sometimes…

Do you have something you’d like to tell someone, but find it difficult to do so?

Sometimes, saying it in verse, and/or with a doodle, can soften things up a little, and enable you to share what you need to.  You might like to give it a try!  But, remember, less can be more…

THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP

 
Some think it, but don’t say it
Others say it, but don’t think it
 
Some care too much about what others think
Others don’t care at all
 
We can only be who we are
Trying to be who we’re not confuses a lot
 
Life is tough—some put on a brave face
Life is tough—others show they’ve had enough
 
Be yourself, and let yourself be
Risk saying and doing what you need to (within reason)
 
For everything there is a season
A time to reveal, a time to conceal
 
Those unable to respond may lack the courage required
Putting others down for their efforts is not to be admired.

 

"Friends" is a term that’s very loosely used today.  On My Space and Face Book, and other social networking sites, you can make oodles of "friends" in moments.  But, who are any of these people to you, really?  Do we look better if we’re seen to have a lot of friends?  And, how many genuine friends can one have?  

"Acquaintance" might be a better description for many of those with whom we have relationships.  They’re people we might know because of a common interest or need at a particular point in time, but nothing more.  They’re not indispensable, and we can live without them/find others to take their place as quickly as they appeared in our lives.

Some who say they’re our "friends" really are not.  Others, who don’t say anything, but act in ways that demonstrate loyalty/the capacity for a proper relationship may better merit the description.

Think about those in your life who claim to be "friends," and determine the list to which they might belong.

"A—List" Friends are truer friends. "B—List" friends are, usually, more clearly "contacts for convenience"—their convenience.  Once you know where, how, and why they rate, it’s your choice whether to keep them in your life, or not.  If they’re on the "B-List" and not causing you problems, just coast.  If they’re on the "B-List" and are a source of regular pain/disappointment, address matters directly, or move on indirectly… 

"A—List " Friends

1.  Call to see how you are.
2.  Share their life’s pleasures, as well as pains.
3.  Don’t just talk about how great you are or how they’ll help you out.  They actually do so.
4.  Don’t keep you on hold—waiting or wondering—give you reasons/answers and let you know where you stand (honestly).
5.  Include you at all types of gatherings—not just the ones where you’ll be good "filler."
6.  Make plans with you in advance because you’re a priority/special, and they want to spend "quality time" with you/are proud to know you.

"B—List" Friends

1.  Call you for favors any time that’s good for them, no hesitation.  But, there’s no two-way street….
2.  Tell you what’s wrong with their lives, not what’s right.  Have you feel sorry for them, no matter what…
3.  Talk  to you in superlatives about how much they like you, what they’re going to do for you, what you mean to them.  Then, nothing…
4.  Keep you waiting for answers.  Sometimes they have time to "fit you in," other times they’re simply too busy…
5.  Let slip that they arrange and/or attend gatherings—ones they (sometimes) tell you about after the fact.  You didn’t make any "list"…
6.  Start calling or trying to make plans when they have nothing better to do, have a spare last-minute ticket, or their partner’s out of town…

It’s a lonely life without friends.  But, keeping too many straggling  "B—List" friends can make you feel worse rather than better:

1.  Lowers self-esteem.
2.  Leaves you empty inside.
3.  Challenges faith, hope, and trust.

Surely you are worthy of more…  Truer friends know that!

p.s.  You may like to check out an earlier DocSusan blog entry, Friends Help Friends. 

 

The last four years, I was in Boston for July 4th.  This year, I’m missing being there!  The United States may be a very big country.  But, on holidays such as Independence Day and Thanksgiving, it can feel more like a small town, most people being encouraged to be involved in some way.  Because of this, I experienced a much greater sense of community/patriotism/belonging/spirit, consistently, (even as an "alien") than I have ever done in Canada.   

For most Canadians, it seems that Canada Day/Thanksgiving are non-events, with individuals often left floating alone.  Many stores/restaurants remain open, and there’s a chance for time off.  But, sharing festivities (public or private) isn’t, generally, a huge priority, especially if you’re not part of a particular group—and the impression of aloofness some home-grown Canadians can give isn’t heartening.

Each year, in Boston, I was invited to a variety of gatherings, usually in people’s homes.  Some, I knew well.  Others, I didn’t know at all.  Hosts encouraged their friends to bring friends. All were concerned that everyone, strangers in particular, be involved.  Inclusion and wanting to be included seemed important. And, even if I’d stayed home, I could see fireworks in every direction, from my own apartment.  Most neighbors, it appeared, were doing something to celebrate/acknowledge the day—and each other!

In Canada, my impression, overall, since coming back, is that there just doesn’t appear to be the traditional group energy/pride or warmth/openness that there is in the US.  This is a shame, especially for newcomers and visitors.  Sometimes, you can’t put your finger on what’s missing. But, my stay in the US has given me an alternative perspective—shown where/how/why other (friendlier) ways are possible…

Vacations open our eyes. Acutally living somewhere else, day-to-day, for a longer period, helps us see/understand more clearly, causgin our comfort levels and tolerances, as well as expectations, to change.

Start the work week by saying, doing, and thinking nice things and you’ll feel much better.  Sure, bad things (and people) happen, but if you fester over them unnecessarily you’ll stay stuck in a mode that’s counterproductive.  If you smile, others are more likely to smile back.  If you frown, you will get a different response—possibly making things worse…

re. Surroundings:  Keep them as upbeat as possible and your mood will be similar.

re. Health and Nutrition:  Stay informed and make wise choices—you’re important too!

re. Relationships:  Favor harmony over confrontation and reconciliation over isolation.

re. Activities:  Proceed like everything is going to work out, and your journeys will be easier, whatever their destinations/results.

Don’t put yourself, or others, down and welcome and encourage compliments!  By setting yourself, and others, up for feeling better/successful we’ll all be in more agreable mind-sets to cope with disappointments should they occur.  Bouncing back repeatedly is hard, but that’s what most of us have to do.  Some people just make things look easier…

 

I might have tried to paraglide, but you don’t have to—and you don’t know why I really did it, or whether I actually enjoyed the experience… 

In competitive environments, many of us feel like we lag behind—are not where others are, or where we want to or should be.  Also, role models who have their priorities in the right places, are harder to find and emulate.  Then there’s milestones that are missed by some and bigger pieces of the pie taken by others.

Life might have felt unfair before, but social pressures to conform, do better than, or defy the odds make a lot of hard-working individuals very unhappy. Circumstances get blown out of proportion when all the facts aren’t known, and what’s on the surface might not reflect what’s really going on—be true or have merit.   

Comparison-making/envy usually hurts

1.  Helps us feel inadequate.
2.  Has us focus on other people rather than ourselves.
3.  Creates jealousies that leave us stuck and/or hopeless.

Self-Help

1. Don’t let yourself feel inadequate. Mix with those who understand your situation, or who have similar circumstances.
2. Don’t focus on others. Really acknowledge who you are and what you, yourself, want and can do.
3. Don’t  have jealousy take over. Think about what’s actually bothering you, and work on remedying that.

So as not to envy others…

1. Their possessions—Consider how and why they might have them, as well as other aspects of their life.  Are they better people for what they have, and do they share or care?  Are they happy, healthy, honest, and kind? Do they ever include or help those who don’t have as much as them?
2. Their professional/educational accomplishments—Consider how and what might have got them there, as well as other aspects of their life.  Are they better people for what they can do, and do they share and care?  Are they happy, healthy, honest, and kind? Do they every include or help those who are not as accomplished as them?
3. Their relationships—Consider how their relationships might have come about, and whether they’re good ones.  Are they better people because of their social status, or do they take it for granted?  Do they ever include or help those who are by themselves?

Keep things in perspective…

Everything is relative, and perhaps, there’s a bigger plan—one that we haven’t been able to map out. We can’t always be in control of what we have or do and who’s in our lives, even if we’d like to be.  So, beating ourselves up for particulars we seem unable to change or equal might only make things harder.  If we know that we try our best in everything we do, we’re less likely to have regrets or feel guilty.  Staying true to ourselves—our hopes and dreams—despite the odds, is essential.  Then, if and/or when we get a lucky break, we’ll be ready, willing, and able to make the most of what could happen next.

Please note:  These lists are in random order and not comprehensive. They’re simply a start in helping identify what might prompt and perpetuate abuse, as well as enable recovery from it…

How an abused person might feel or react:

1. Unable to tell friends/family/authorities what’s happening, because of feeling too awkward, ashamed, or foolish.

2. Uncertain what might happen next, because trust and predictability are gone.

3. Without words to explain what’s happening because it’s too unbelievable, or hard to describe.

4. Violated, physically or emotionally, or both.

5. "Out of character"—angry, upset, or violent, which isn’t typical.

6. Pushed to the limits and exhausted.

7. Out of ideas and resources.

8. Disorganized—like a tornado’s passed through.

9. Concerned about making too much/not enough of things.

10. Disappointed, sad, and let down—and worried about the future.

How an abuser might act:

1. Display behaviors that change from minute to minute without reason (show public displays of affection one minute and be a raging monster the next).

2. Not be able to be calmed down or stopped when in a tirade.

3. Act, the next day, like nothing’s happened—be oblivious to abusive tendencies.

4. Never be wrong—put it all on the other person as never getting it right.

5. Turn a perfectly enjoyable day into a nightmare for no real reason.

6. Find fault with everything the victim does or says, taking advantage of vulnerabilities.

7. Give gifts and/or be overly nice 24 hours after, just to get back into favor.

8. Be the source of great pleasure as well as pain—becoming indispensable.

9. Suggest that everyone else (any supports the victim might have) are wrong or should be stayed away from.

10. Think that they’re the best—or know better, most of the time (always giving lessons and offering "protection").

Abuse happens when an abused person has:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. A poor support network.

3. Other difficulties.

4. Become cut off or is isolated from friends and/or family.

5. Been abused before.

6. Has a personality that you wouldn’t think could be abused (is strong in other aspects of life).

Abusers are often:

1. Known by the victim already.

2. Relations on whom the victim depends emotionally and/or financially.

3. Individuals who are respected in the community and/or at work (and are in power positions)—appear charming, wise, and kind to others.

4. Used to abuse or familial dysfunction already, and have a history of family problems.

Abuse isn’t only physical, it’s emotional too:

1. Once the victim is beaten down emotionally, who knows what might happen next?

2. There are things that are permissible to say to someone else, and there are things that are not. Know what’s unacceptable is essential.

Abuse doesn’t usually come about, or go away, by itself.  Pro-activity is necessary:

1. Stay away from the abuser.

2. Inform others about what’s going on, and build a support network.

3. Tell "authorities" (the police, social agencies) and take (legal) action where necessary.

4. Get counseling and/or protection.

5. Move on by doing feel-good activities with feel-better others.

6. Take time out to heal and regroup—remember that you’re worth the best, as well as others’ support.

7. Accept that a situation might not be your fault.

8. Be strong and brave even if you don’t think you can.

9. Acknowledge the power of the abuser—nothing else might work very well until then.

10. Be less predictable—count on yourself, by changing some of the things you do and ways you do them (regain independence and creativity).

Understanding Your Sleep Needs

The power of sleep can’t be underestimated.  But, keep in mind, some of us need more of it than others.  Also, some of us function better at different times of the day.  There are "morning people" and "night owls," as well as schedules that aren’t always comfortable .

There’s nothing like being able to live in rhythm with—and respect—your sleep clock if you can.  

Recognizing if You’re a Morning Person or Night Owl

I am most definitely a morning person, and can get more done between 5 and 10 am than any other time of the day.  After 5 pm, it’s a lot more difficult.  The things that I struggle to complete at night, I might as well have not attempted.  When I take a fresh look at them in the morning, I realize I can complete them much more quickly and easily.  Sometimes I’m more able to do physical tasks at night, but not anything that requires thinking power.

Others might have an opposite experience, and I appreciate that.

Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

We all have different ways for getting a good night’s sleep, and some of them can be seen as "finicky" by those who say they can "sleep on a clothes line."

I put these strategies high on my list:

1.  A room that’s as dark and silent as possible

2.  Bedding that’s comfortable and cozy, that covers you properly, and isn’t too light or heavy

3.  A clock that’s visible and shows the time, for any awake moments that have you wondering the hour (without having to get out of bed) then being able to fall right back to sleep

4.  Not having eaten just before going to bed

5.  Being organized for the next day before going to bed

6.  No late-night in-bed phone calls that might send you to sleep while chatting or be upsetting

7.  Turning the television or radio off (or other interruptions), and not falling asleep to them

8.   Sufficient good food, exercise, and emotional support

9.  A sense of hope or gratitude about something—anything

10. Congenial bed company—like poodle pals, Lev and Sage—who know when to snuggle up and/or give space

Others might have different strategies.  Whatever works!

Re. Sleep Aids

While sleeping pills, sedatives, and alchol help many people temporarily, sometimes they can make things harder in the long-run.  Dependencies/addictions can start quite innocently.  Just like with diet pills and food restrictions, it’s important to try to find other ways to overcome difficulties, even if they might seem harder at first.

Others might believe differently.  They have the right to do so, so long as they’re not endangering anyone else.

Mother’s Day was last weekend.  Another hard holiday for many—those who don’t have a mother, or are at odds with her, and those who long to be a mother but haven’t been able to have that experience happen.  Just like on other holidays such as Valentine’s Day and New Year’s, more people than you might imagine feel left out or envious of those en route to gatherings or carrying flowers.  

Options that might provide distraction or relief on Mother’s Day, for those who aren’t part of the celebration, include:

1.  Catching up on work.
2.  Getting together with friends in similar situations.
3.  Enjoying something fun (like a sports activity, shopping trip, or massage).

Places that it might be better for non-celebrators to stay away from include:

1.  Family style restaurants and other solo-unfriendly gathering places.
2.  Family parties (if they’re uncomfortable).
3.  Stores that are full of memorabilia (gifts and cards) specific to the day.

It’s amazing how one "special day" can become a huge dread and ordeal for some, and bring about immense joy and happiness for others.  Also, it’s often hard for those who aren’t familiar with loss or longing to understand those who are.
 
Those who are lucky enough to be able to celebrate "special days" might like to:
 
1.  Not assume anything about, or judge, those who could be having a difficult time.
2.  Appreciate the privilege of being able to celebrate with others and not take this for granted.
3.  Be mindful of non-celebrators’ feelings, selecting sharings (about personal celebrations) carefully.

When we’re not clear we risk being more easily misunderstood—upsetting ourselves and other people (finances and well-being).  Don’t cause trouble when it’s not necessary to do so.

When you arm yourself with the right protection (attitude and and strategies) no one gets hurt —has to to attack or defend, unnecessarily.

1. Put things in writing.

2. Repeat, repeat, repeat—and get feedback and acknowledgment.

3. (Formal) confirmation and agreement should come with a signature or payment.

4. Follow protocols that are tried and proven (for contracts, events, and shared arrangements).

1. If it’s not mentioned, it might not exist in actuality—only in your head.

2. Just because you do things one way, it doesn’t mean others will follow suit naturally.

3. You can’t know for sure that another person understands/agrees unless he tells you he does.

4.  Some situations require discussion and compromise—need to be addressed upfront, not put on hold in the hope they’ll go away.

1. Look at what you and the other party could have done differently, separately and together.

2. Realize that if you didn’t protect yourself in advance, there’s little you can do later for reparation.

3. If deception by the other party was intentional (took advantage of your weaknesses), you know who to avoid in the future.

4. Protect yourself:  learn from your mistakes, and others’ manipulations.  Plan, do, and think differently for future happenings and encounters.

1. There are two sides to every story and many interpretations of what actually occurs.

2. There’s only one actual truth (and set of facts).  That truth might reveal that no party is entirely wrong or right in their reactions.  If guidelines are vague, outcomes might be too.

3. Consider all sides and angles and know and try to act in good faith.  If you do that, you can’t blame yourself—and no one else should blame you.

4.  Try your very best every time, even if you’ve been burned before.  Outcomes can’t always be taken personally.  Others mistakes are, sometimes, inevitable.

When we, ourselves, take responsibility—make the extra effort to be clear— fewer misunderstandings will occur with others. Energy doesn’t get wasted needlessly, with plain sailing offering fresh possibilities and hope.

We never know how we touch other people with a word, action, look, or silence.

On the surface, we believe we know who others are.  But, deep down, do we really? Only when a crisis happens, do we get a wake-up call.  "If only…" really doesn’t matter then.  Sadly, it’s too late.  Right now we’re all too well aware of the Virginia Tech massacre, and wonder who the killer was—what could have motivated this benign looking loner to commit such horrific carnage.  

It was just an ordinary day.  Then, out of the blue, lives were ended or changed for ever.  Even those of us who don’t know individuals who had the bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time feel grief, pain, and hopelessness—question whether or not authorities could have responded differently (saved more innocent lives).

It’s all too easy to look at events that don’t involve us directly and be amazed and scared by what we see and hear.  However, often, we overlook extremely harmful circumstances happening day after day in our own homes—with family, friends, and acquaintances.  There are many "time-bombs" waiting to go off—that are hard to talk about/do something about—till it’s too late.

For those who know individuals who are close to them that might be a danger to themselves and others, perhaps it’s time to speak up—be proactive not reactive.  

Usually people don’t speak up because they’re afraid of the consequences.  They:
1.  already feel bullied enough and have no more energy.
2.  worry about someone else getting hurt, instead of them (which could be worse).
3.  are in a financial bind, and risk losing all (perhaps because the abuser holds the purse strings).
4.  feel embarrassed, awkward and ashamed—don’t want to lose face.

Those who do speak up often suffer horrible consequences.  They’re:
1.  outlawed by the abuser as well as other family and/or friends (who might not want to acknowledge the problem).
2.  victimized further—made to suffer beyond all reason (to the point at which their own mental faculties start failing).
3.  all alone—have a poor support network, because their stories are too incredible to share, or the abuser has succeeded in isolating them from outsiders.
4.  deemed to be the one with the "issues" because they won’t accept the status quo—feel isolated/estranged in this struggle and many more.

It doesn’t matter who you are.  Everyone, regardless of education, class, or finances can fall prey to someone who is as destructive as (s)he is deranged.  We never realize how bad things are till we’re able to step out of a situation, or have others witness it.  Those who are dysfunctional and dangerous are very manipulative and clever at hiding what they’re capable of achieving—especially if they’re supposed to be "near and dear" to us.

Our gut tells us when something’s wrong, but whether or not we’re able to stop the inevitable is another matter.  In order to tackle a monster, it’s not possible to go the journey alone.  Allies are necessary—individuals who believe in the person they’re backing—that (s)he is reasonable and right.  At the end of the day, what they think of the potential perpetrator is secondary.  So long as one person is struggling alone against him/her, (s)he will not be properly identified, weakened, or put down.

It’s important to be more mindful of those around us—where and how they might be struggling and suffering—and heed warning signs.  At a time when family ties and close friendships seem to be less reliable, it should no longer be every (wo)man for her/himself.  Social responsibility and action need to come into play.  Also, in a society whose members come from many different backgrounds, no one can be sure with whom and what they’re actually dealing.  Right and wrong lack conventional bounds (as do reason and respect).

Most people who are not personally affected by situations don’t want to get involved because they:
1. don’t have time.
2.  see there’s nothing in it for them.
3.  accept it’s none of their business.
4.  admit they don’t really care.  

Others shouldn’t be expected to meddle in the personal business of those they do not know.  But, when they pick up on how something doesn’t sound or look right, perhaps they can try and lose the fear by:
1.  speaking to authorities or connected others.
2.  showing concern to those involved/seeking help—be there for them in whatever small way possible.
3.  not fading away, assuming the problem is someone else’s and will go away by itself.
4.  being a support or resource if at all reasonable.

There’s no particular message in this blog entry other than to affirm that there are a lot of angry, upset, vindictive, and toxic individuals ready to ignite anytime—and they’re all around us.  We worry about terrorism and war, accidents and natural disasters.  But, in actuality, we’re less likely to be destroyed by them, personally, than by a neighbor, brother, boss, co-worker, or stranger in the street.  Armed and dangerous (emotionally and/or physically), they can do us more harm than we’d like to imagine, or can endure.  

Some of us suffer in silence, already realizing this.  Others live in denial, not believing anything bad will ultimately happen—if we play their game/do everything required.  So long as nothing is done, said, pushed, or provoked, it’s possible to keep on treading water—or so many think. 

We’d like to dream on, but can we any longer?

Rejection is hard.  Not knowing why you’ve been rejected is harder, especially when explanations could be more educational than painful.  They would help make you more aware for next time, or learn that you weren’t a fit anyway—might have had a close escape.  

Those who send back insincere form letters, more often than not, don’t read applications properly (if at all).  Larger companies might not have time for the little guy seeking help.  But, it’s probably that little guy, gutsy enough to approach them, who’s helped their business get where it is—buying their products or engaging their services, year after year. Then, there are the dates who don’t want to see you again, or the clients that don’t call back. 

In most situations, there’s no way of knowing your competition.  But, is your competition better?  Perhaps they just have superior marketing techniques, friends in "high places," or luck and timing?  Unfortunately, there are many better ideas, products, and people out there than the ones that actually end up getting recognized!

People who don’t know rejection are extremely fortunate.  People who are familiar with multiple rejections are more fortunate.  The greater number of rejections you’ve had, the lower your expectations.  Disappointments are a natural part of life and make you try all the harder.  The less rejections you’ve had, the more shocked and personally hurt you are by them.  A first miinor rejection can trigger a major crisis.

Rejections toughen you up.  Nevertheless, there is a point when even the tough have had enough.  Those around us applaud success, but aren’t always aware of the effort (and failures) it might have taken to get there—or be stuck not getting there.  If you’ve had a bumpy ride you’re usually more appreciative of making it.  Success is not just about the end destination, it’s about the journey too.  The process of not giving up makes being accepted (finally) all the sweeter.

People who reject frequently can be oblivious to the impact of a poorly delivered rejection.  They can’t imagine the repercussions sometimes sparked.  The rejected are generally good at putting on a brave face and not revealing their disappointment.  Cudos, however, to those who do speak up—ask for clarification and express their surprise or sadness.  What’s the worst thing that can happen?  You know who, where, and what to avoid in the future, especially if circumstances change and you become the decision-maker.

Energy is precious and time passes quickly.  That’s why it’s important not to brood on what’s been/can’t be.  Even if you don’t win (keep on getting rejected), know that you’ve tried as hard as you can.  Your conscience is clear!  Your rejection isn’t just about you—the other side might have made a mistake.  Over time, you might step back and see the whole picture—have your ideas evolve.  You’re more able to recognize why things happened the way they did, even if the end results aren’t ideal.

No one gets all they want all of the time.  Some don’t get any of what they want any of the time.  If you keep comparison-making  or constantly feel entitled to rewards and recognition, you’re going to have a lot harder time living with rejection. 

• Pursue other avenues—stop going where (and to whom) you’re not welcome.  Identify your comfort zones/people, and test those first.

• Take a break:  stop reaching out till the dust settles.  Appreciate what can be, even if it’s not what you really want, and hope for the best.

• Believe in, like, and improve yourself.  Perhaps, those who rejected you will change their minds.

• Engage in positive activities and relationships, where you don’t have to pass or fail—are acceptable just the way you are.  Capitalize on the possible, not the impossible!

• Join peer groups for those experiencing similar circumstances.  You’ll find you’re not alone!

• Discuss, research, and network, and share what you’re thinking, feeling, or wishing.  Fresh ideas and helpful feedback will pop up along the way.

 

We hear a lot about knitting and how popular it’s become, but less about crochet.  Ready-to-wear crocheted garments have been trendy the last few years.  However, knitting’s still better known than crochet. I find knitting frustrating—can never count my stitches accurately, and lose or add more than are supposed to be there.  With crochet, there’s only one stitch to think about and hold onto:  the one that’s on the hook! Crochet is a stress-reducer supreme for me—very portable, easy to pick-up/put down, a conversation starter/avoider. Sometimes, it even helps me fall asleep at night or stay awake at a movie. Also, it’s often one of my best friends when traveling, or at a meeting. No matter my reasons for crocheting, I’m usually relaxed by the process, and have a growing collection of one-of-a-kind outfits to wear as a bonus. Give crochet a try! It’s not as difficult as you might think. If you’re in the Boston area, pass by Brookline Booksmiths. The Knitsmiths’ group meets there on Sunday afternoons, and has a crocheter or two attending. In Toronto, you might like to contact Toronto Hook Ups, an organization dedicated to crochet. 

In the spirit of the season…

It’s hard to understand why "friends" don’t help each other—even when they have opportunities to do so.  If you have a date and that person’s not for you, think if you know someone else who may be more suitable. If you know someone looking for work, and have others they can talk to, tell them. 

Even your "best friends" (who usually owe you the most) are likely to be the ones handicapping your greatest dreams and goals.  Very often they have the links and connections you need, but are reluctant to share them.  Sometimes, they make innocent oversights—just don’t think creatively or altruistically enough.  Other times, they ignore your needs intentionally, whether you’ve voiced them or not.

Realistically, how long does a quick phone call or e-mail take to make an arrangement for someone else—pass on a name or number.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  There isn’t a fit between the parties you bring together.  What’s the best thing that could happen?  You might put someone else on the road to happiness and success.  Many believe "no good deed goes unpunished" and prefer to abstain because of this.  However, should they need support, what would they do?  Who would they approach?

Torah, from over 2000 years ago (Pirkei Avot 1:14), records Hillel’s famous questions:  "If I’m not for myself, who is for me?  And when I’m for myself only, what am I?  And if not now, when?"  True friends should want to help each other in any way they can (providing it’s legal).  Acquaintances turn into friends when they take initiative—make special efforts on others’ behalfs, no prompts necessary.

We never know when, how or why loss is going to hit us.  It happened to me the other week in the strangest of ways.  For the last three years, I’ve nurtured a beautiful fig tree.  She’d grown to five feet high, and was happy and healthy.  Unfortunately, though many plants are shipped across the US/Canadian border commercially, when you move house you have to leave them behind. 

I wanted my cherished tree to go to a special friend, someone who’d be thrilled to look at her every day, and reminisce on our good times together.  A mutual friend with a pick-up truck offered to help with transportation.  We piled on a load that included other items not allowed for personal cross-border shipment (like mattresses—lest there be bed bugs).  Our journey to my friend’s office was short.  But, when we arrived, the fig tree was nowhere to be found:  on the truck or on our route, when we backtracked.  Its pot was still there—empty and secure.

The mystery of the missing fig tree preoccupied me all day and beyond.  Out of the blue, something that meant more to me than I’d realized was gone—for ever.  What happened to her?  Did she suffer?  Would she be taken care of?  Why was she missing?  Was there a message in her disappearance—greater meaning and symbolism.  How my mood shifted, in a heartbeat, indicated that there was.  Pining over the loss of a tree, had me reflecting on my coping skills for other losses—past, future, and ongoing.

Life is full of loss, and sometimes we never miss something or someone till they’re gone.  Only later do we realize what they represent(ed) to us.  Many of us fear the loss of close ones, and worry about not giving them enough time due to busy day-to-day schedules.  Many losses are expected, but many aren’t.  It’s the ones that take us by surprise that remind us we can’t control everything or everyone.  There’s a bigger plan, and it’s not one that we might have put together.

Sometimes, looking back, we’re better able to understand what’s happened.  Other times, we constantly seek explanation (and relief).  Again, how things play out and are understood or accepted is also not always in our control.  However, our attitude is:  having the fortitude to go on and recognize wake-up calls.  The loss of my fig tree certainly put me on alert—to be more cautious, careful, and appreciative.  Although, a fig tree is a living organism, it’s still a material object, and replaceable (despite any sentimental value).  Human loss, on the other hand, is far less easily resolved.