Portia de Rossi was asked about the best (relationship) advice she’d been given prior to her wedding with Ellen de Generes.  Recorded in a People Magazine’s September 1 08 exclusive about their nuptials, she said it came from Wayne Dyer:

"’ Just be kind to each other and be very respectful and considerate.’"

Whether for romantic/intimate relationships, or between friends (close or not), similar "rules" apply.  Kindness, respect, and consideration matter.  Cliché but true, "By doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves, we can each, in our own special ways, help to make the world a better place, two (people) at a time.

Possible relationship-glitches (listed in random order) come from "happiness blockers" like:

1.  Over-attention to "me" not "we"

2.  Secrecy and manipulation

3.  Jealousy and envy

4.  Broken promises and elusiveness/evasiveness

5.  Lies and deception

6.  Game-playing and mixed messages

7.  Quickness to anger and judgment

8.  "Me" first

Even if someone else treats you badly, or you feel jaded or pessimistic, these are not good enough excuses for acting out/treating others unfairly.  Life is short and precious, and most of us are looking for the same basics—to love and be loved.  How we get there (if we are at all able to), might not be quite as simple or definable, unfortunately.

Possible relationship-glitch-fixers (listed in random order) include "happiness unblockers" like:

1.  Greater attention to an "us"

2.  Openness and consultation/frequent friendly "check-ins"

3.  (Personal) contentment and (genuine) goodwill to others

4.  Word-keeping and being upfront

5.  Honesty and directness

6.  Playing fair and being clear—keeping everyone’s well-being in mind

7.  Patience and flexibility

8.  "You" first

Earlier blog entries on related subjects include:

• Play Nice—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)

• Manipulation (August 9, 2008)

• No "Please," No "Thank-You," No "Happy" (May 30, 2008)

• Reciprocity (Feb 8, 2008)

• Confidence (Feb1, 2008)

• Give to Give (poem) (Sept 5, 2007)

• Too Good to Be True?  It Is! (August 7, 2007)

• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)

• The Courage to Speak Up—Use Poetry (July 10, 2007)

• A and B List Friends (July 8, 2007)

• Make Things Clear—Avoid Misunderstandings (April 17, 2007)

• Abuse Checklists (May 26, 2007)

• Rejection Protection (February 25, 2007)

• Friends Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

• Comparison-Making, Envy, Jealousy (June 23, 06)

Whatever you do that involves others requires a shift from "me" to "we" thinking.  Simple in theory, harder in practice.

Keeping everyone happy—and challenges to that—are usually based on three fundamentals, in most instances. Here is a brief  "how to" overview of fundamentals that seem to matter:

Consider:
1. How and why you’ve come together. Are goals similar?
2. What the rules might be—what’s  right and wrong, ethically, morally, circumstantially.
3. Where clarifications are necessary (if rules are bent), so misunderstandings don’t happen, and one party isn’t misled.

Be:
1. Fair and honest
2. Open and respectful
3. Flexible and considerate

…as best you can.  Most people know when they are taking advantage of someone else, and the person being taken advantage of knows too!  Don’t keep (the idea of) a relationship going at any cost in the hope that it’ll get better—because you’re the one who’ll be paying afterwards.

Upsets come from:
1. Being out of synch/selfishness—one person putting their own needs first (saying and doing differently or vice versa).
2. Expectations of both parties not being expressed or agreed upon (in advance or as they shift).  Avoidance isn’t a solution, just a way to upset someone else.  
3. Distractions being allowed to take over (one person changing their priorities, but not telling the other, and not putting in equal effort).

Long distance relationships have higher stakes and extra obstacles:
1. Trust, openness and communication matter even more.
2. Out of site should not be out of mind. (Excuses are easy!)
3. Practical, financial, and emotional realities are all stretched, tested, and differ.

Bottom lines:
1. It’s not all about you!  Never was!
2. Everyone has limited time and energy. Please don’t waste another’s!
3. Consequences happen.  We might not realize at the time how we affect someone else, but a lot of damage can come about from what might be considered "trivial."  As much as you might not be hurting, someone else could be in agony…

Cliché but apt: "Put the shoe on the other foot!"  We all have hopes and dreams, and it takes courage to make oneself vulnerable—even though life is short, and there are only so many opportunities for happiness.  If you know that you are jeopardizing someone else’s well-being by not being upfront and playing things out because it suits you, think again…

Alas!  If things are "too good to be true," they too often can be…  No matter how one conducts oneself in other circumstnaces (or is seen to be to the oustide world), it’s daily enounters, and opporunities for genuine intimacy that reveal who they really are and can be (or not).
 
The most powerful, wealthy, or good-looking among us have the greatest responsibilities and weaknesses, since they may have more possibilites to get away with things. Because of who they are or what they have (regardless of where it comes from) and their bigger-picture "do good" deeds, they can raise the loudest alarm bells!  Entitlement may be an outcome, but not a justification…  

Though news of the the "John Edwards Sex Scandal" is only just breaking, and details and coverage aren’t all clear, this is just another example of what we see not always being what we get.  Or, what we imagine could be possible (and wonder why not) actually being so.  Role models are hard to find, and "everyday people" imitate and get away with much more (than before) just because they can.  Sad, but true, this is something that’s become almost unremarkable socially.

Those who may be seen to have "less going for them" are invariably more reliable—and better at "playing nice!" On-line daters, take heed when making selections!  What impresses and allures on screen, might not in real life!

These days, individuals can end up more isolated and self-involved than ever, with the shift from a "me-focus" to a "we-focus" proving difficult. Attention of any type, even if it’s harmful, tends to allure. This is when judgment gets clouded and mistakes are made. Age-old problems, like manipulation, take on fresh force.  No matter how technologically savvy we are—how many "friends" we have on Facebook—basic human-to-human "communication glitches" abound. These need to be dealt with in real-world time, and have real-world consequences. 

Manipulation comes from those whom we least suspect and expect  It creeps up and masquerades as kindness and generosity. Then, suddenly, there’s a wakeup call—a financial, emotional, or physical price to pay to the person who claims to be offering assistance/friendship "out of the goodness of their heart." Alas! The one who’d encouraged us to count on them really had their own agenda all along.  But, ultimately, even this manipulator loses too. The relationship needs to be severed and things can never be the same again. Trust and respect is gone, as well as a whole lot more. Time to move on, as this poetic reflection explains…

Dear Manipulator

You were so nice, so kind
I was so blind

You wanted to be there for me
Talk to me
Look out for me
Help me

Solve each and every problem you thought I had
All those things others never noticed

I don’t know where you came from
But suddenly you were there.

You were everywhere

I couldn’t do without you
But, in reality, you couldn’t do without me

I gave you purpose and cause
You thrived on applause
Being wanted, needed, and knowing

The more I tried to disentangle,
The more you tried to strangle

Disengaging was hard to do
Caused me more angst than you know

Disengaging was hard to do
But it enabled me to grow

When self-esteem is down and we don’t have adequate support networks, we are all the more vulnerable and susceptible to those who survive/thrive on manipulative behavior.  Manipulatolrs usually seek attention to help assuage their own wounds, longings, and lackings.  Exagerated gestures and finding ways to become indispensable may be a ploy to help the manipulator appear valuable to others, as well as important in the wider world.  But, tension mounts when the manipulated feels trapped or deceived.  Self-protection (hopefully) kicks in.  Breaking free takes courages.  It also leads to loss. But loss leads to learning.  Know better for next time!

Earlier blog entries that discuss related topics include:

Reciprocity, Feb 8, 2008

Give to Give, (poem), Sept 5, 2007

Keep Your Word, July 25, 2007

A and B List Friends, July 8, 2007

Friends Help Friends, December 7, 2006

An evening stroll along one of Newport’s beaches, last Friday night, led us to a sandcastle.  From the front, it was a work of art.

Around the back, there was a marriage proposal inscribed (to which the answer was "yes," of course)

The shore line and waves looked pink, as did seaweed deposits washed up there—part of the red tide phenomenon.  

Then there were the clams; their shells, at least.  Gulls were fat, happy, and plentiful!

 

Older dogs are like well-worn gloves. They fit perfectly, but shouldn’t be taken forgranted.   We don’t know when they’ll fall apart, or how. But, if we are careful with them, they can enjoy long happy and healthy lives.  

As shown throughout the DocSusan blog and website, Lev and Sage are my best friends, room-mates, editors, studio assistants, exercise coaches, and a whole lot more.  Most days, all is well with them. They know my quirks and I know theirs. But, as they’ve gotten older, I’ve become a little more cautious and concerned at the least sign of illness. Because of their size and age, I realize that things can happen very quickly, and signs and symptoms must be taken seriously and acted on without delay. On April 2nd 08, I posted a blog entry about this, Veterinary Emergencies. Three months later, I’m already reporting fresh developments…

From the end of May through June, Sage had had a strange sneeze. First it was every few days. Then it was a couple of times a day, and only coming from his left nostril. His eating and walking seemed normal, and he was sleeping well at night (not snoring, as others with congestion might). However, I was still anxious. Round one of trips to the vet led us to Children’s Benadryl.  Doctor Rachel Wolfson, a dedicated young vet at Rosedale Animal Hospital was very attentive.  As well as presribing this allergy medication, she also took bloodwork. We stayed in touch as Sage’s condition, despite clear bloodwork (and the Benadryl) didn’t seem to change. Doctor Cindy Kneebone at East York Animal Hospital added homeopathy to the mix, as well as giving Sage a head Xray, where nothing unusual was found. For three weeks after this, we carefully monitored developments. Then, finally, no improvement, and with more obvious discomfort shown by Sage—not being able to walk more than a few steps without sneezing—we sought specialist help.

Doctor Doug Mason at Toronto’s Veterinary Emergency Clinic gave us a same day appointment, and performed investigative surgery. After a Catscan and numerous other tests, an abscess (and related build-up) were removed from behind one of Sage’s teeth (which had to come out). A complete course of antibiotics and pain killers followed. Now, we are looking more closely at Sage’s entire mouth and gums, to determine if other teeth need to be extracted or not. Doctor Sharon French, a veterinary dental specialist who consults with Toronto Zoo (and is also at Toronto’s Veterinary Emergency Clinic) is now involved with Sage’s case, and has prescribed Maxiguard Oral Cleansing Gel.  So far, so good. We like her, and her approach!

Apparently, gum disease is not an uncommon problem with older small dogs, like Sage.  Unfortunately, undetected, it can be life-threatening.  I realize, because of the expediency and caring of a diverse group of of vets, and my constant vigilance and concern, Sage’s life has been saved.  I caution other pet owners not to overlook any of their pets’ symptoms, however fussy they may believe other people think they are. Our pets mean so much to us!

Unfortunately, veterinary interventions come at a price, and we are thankful to have pet insurance.  Pet Care is covering a chunk (but with limitations)!  Future blog articles will look at typical pet healthcare costs.  It is sad to know how many dogs are put to sleep, owners (understandably) unable to keep up with the price of treatment, or prepared to administer (complicated) medications.

p.s.  End of August update: Our claim through PetCare (all parts of it, including those not related to dental/mouth conditions) was denied.  There will be a lot more in future blog entries about this—a closer look at veterinary practice, procedures, and accountablity, as well as insurance company savvy.

Summertime in Canada, (particularly Ontario), at first glance, seems to divide the population into two:  those who have cottages and those who don’t.  Those who have cottages enjoy miles of private shorelines.  Those who don’t can find it hard to gain access to a lot of areas—no parking allowed without resident permit and scant public facilities.  Even when a beach is public, regulations can be prohibitive—with limited hours, no pets, parking and entry charges, and more. A  Sunday afternoon trip to West Kirby, last month, prompted me to think about summertime phenomena and marvel at the old-world charm and simplicity of the setting—few obvious restrictions and daytrip fun for all without fees or memberships.  Please look below to glimpse (on-going) pleasures of British yesteryear:  families, dogs, adult kids, fisherman, and sailors welcome.

 

 

Earlier this week, I was excited to be part of a quartet that attended Dirty Dancing, at the Royal Alex Theatre in Toronto.  We took advantage of a mid-week special (four tickets for the price of three), making a spontaneous same-day purchase.  Sometimes, the best night’s entertainment happens when you don’t have long-term plans for it, but break routine.

Not only were the sets and costumes superb, but the cast was consistent and well-chosen.  This wasn’t the kind of show that had you wondering when the interval was going to happen. And beyond the actual performance, we were also struck by deeper story-lines, like that of a nuclear family with two adult-children.  

Siblings often have distinct personalities (and outcomes), and the daughters, Frances and Lisa, were excellent examples of this.  Sometimes, one child can be seen to do no wrong, and the other child, no right.  One has "higher goals" and she is misunderstood. The other ’s behavior is less commendable, but she’s more likely to get away with it (though not grow from her mistakes).  Also, parents often seem to forget their own pasts when making suppositions and demonstrating differential treatment.  Not knowing (or attempting to learn) all the facts, and making judgments for the wrong reasons can be problematic, unless non-family members have a chance to intervene.

Though much of the music was familiar, and there was a strong urge to want to go home and get dancing lessons, this staging of Dirty Dancing, it was clear, offered more than the immediately obvious.  Seeing the movie years ago, I’d been more focused on visual and auditory effects.  This time around (perhaps helped by the stellar performances of the leads) it was refreshing to be able to consider deeper messages and meanings. Lively afer-show discussion ensued!

I have been touched, today, by all the remarkable tributes to Tim Russert, NBC Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press.  Most Sunday mornings, his voice has been "background entertainment" while I’ve done household chores.  He was a fixture whom it was hard to imagine wouldn’t grace television news and debate well into old age. 

Tim’s sudden heart attack yesterday was yet another reminder to all of us that life is precious and we can’t have complete control, especially over its endings.  When someone as unique and admired as Tim is gone from our world in moments, without warning or preparation, we are stunned and ache.  From President Bush to regular viewers, everyone seems to have a reflection to offer, a deep fondness for this role model and outstandingly successful professional who remained a very down-to-earth family man and personal friend to so many.  My sincere condolences to all those dear to him.  He will be sorely missed.

At times like this, it’s hard not to think of more private individuals too, and their endings—those who haven’t enjoyed public success or recognition in their lives, those without family and friends who’ve supported and encouraged them. When their time comes, will it be recognized how their lives were meaningful or how much they could be missed?   How might things have played out differently for them, given a chance, voice, or simple luck?

It’s clear that we all leave our mark on the world in different ways, others’ impressions shaped by how we’re remembered or forgotten.  The following poem is dedicated to those who pass in greater silence and anonymity.  Maybe there was more to say about them, but there was no one to say it? Maybe their lives could have been happier and more fulfilled, but there was no one to spur them on? What might they have said if they could have written their own eulogies?  Perhaps this is one possibility?

AFTERWARDS

I was on top of the world
Or so you thought

Had achieved milestones,
Or so you thought

You didn’t know me well
You didn’t want to

You didn’t take me seriously
Though I asked you to…many times

You thought that I had more bounce-back than I did
You thought that I was stronger than I was

You thought that the day would never come
The day when I would succumb

I never did give up
Until now

I never did know how
Until now

I never wanted to
Hung on in the hope that things could change

More active
Less reflective
No, that didn’t work

More reflective
Less active
That didn’t work either

Needed, yes I was
If it was all about you

Admired, yes I was
If I lost myself in what I did

It was all up to me.

 

It’s like Liverpool hit the fast-forward button all of a sudden!  As somebody who hasn’t lived there for more than a quarter of century, its a lot easier for me to see this.  First came the Albert Dock complex, then the Capital of Culture, and now Liverpool One. 

Though there’s still hard hats, cranes, and construction everywhere, on a beautiful sunny day, this week, I was thrilled to see my hometown revived and bustling.

 

Please check out some of the posters inserted below that tell a little more about this new landmark.

 

Later, I will create a link to a page of images, showing Liverpool One’s construction in greater detail.  Best of all, go visit Liverpool.  You will be surprised, delighted, and entertained.  The shopping isn’t bad either…

When more carefully manicured cities, like Toronto, feel bereft of ambiance and energy in comparison, it’s clear something is working right in Liverpool.  The graphic design for its construction posters (inserted above), also helps with mood.  I couldn’t think of a city where the heart symbol fits better. You can say a lot else about Liverpudlians, but you can’t deny their friendliness, directness, humor, spirit and heart.  HeArTs off to them!  

Christopher Hart (no heart-typo) made this interesting comment in a Times Culture supplement after Paul McCartney’s recent Liverpool concert, "It’s a battered and bleeding heavyweight of a city, struggling to haul itsel off the canvas.  But it has an astonishing charisma—and I can still hear the sound of 35,000 voices ringing in my ears, singing about "times of trouble" and "all the lonely people" and "take a sad song and make it better."

A comment on the Liverpool 08 home page by Alexel Sayle states, "I’ve been all over the world looking for excitement, and it turns out that the most thrilling town I’ve ever visited is the one I was born in."  Right now, many non-resident Liverpudlians will find it hard not to agree!

"That’s nice!", "Well done!"  "Good for you!" "Great job!" "Keep up the good work!" Kudos is always appreciated, with a little encouragement going a long way.  However, it’s not always forthcoming—especially at times when needed most, and from those we’d like to have issue it.  And then there’s that magical two-word phrase, frequently forgotten, "Thank you!"  

Whether you’ve cooked for dinner guests, made matches between acquaintances, or looked after a friend’s cat, it’s always nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.  But, the more you give out, too often, the less this happens.  Feeling overlooked and taken for granted, continually, can take its toll—make us behave in ways we might not instinctively.  Enter the era of the "cautious" and "jaded."  Sadly, the notion of "once bitten, twice shy", can ring louder than ever.  

Self-absorption, becoming a predominant character trait in western society, today, it’s not surprising that "Please" is missing from many people’s requests.  And, without a "Please," it’s unlikely there’ll be a "Thank you."  Positive change happens one person at a time—personal displays of good manners and respect helping more than might be realized.  Seeing how giving the gift of a "Please," Thank you," or "Well done" can boost someone else’s spirits, can be a great first step in feeling better about yourself too!

At the end of December (07), I was on a another transatlantic flight.  I’d just visited a family member who was sick and ended up sitting next to someone who was returning from her mother’s funeral. Personal experience with funeral trips, as well as long-distance illness concerns, compelled me to pull out my notebook and record these poetic reflections.

Planes

Planes are for vacations
celebrations

They’re also for illnesses
and deaths

They carry passengers in all kinds of states
At all kinds of rates

No everyone’s planned to be there
Not everyone’s without a care

Life doesn’t just happen on the ground
Feelings gush all around

Tear stained faces
Of heavy sorrow reveal ample traces

Planes for pleasure
And planes for purpose

Planes for good memories
And planes for bad

Planes for happy
And planes for sad

Distance and time
Time and distance

From one reality to another
Time and distance

From one reality to another
Planes transport us

To places we want to know
And to places we’d wish never to go

Some journeys are not ours to decide
But, from them, impossible to hide

Some journeys may seem worse than they are
All that thinking while traveling far

Neither here no there
There nor here

Landscape changing
Mental rearranging

Flight out
Don’t know what to expect

Flight back
Time to reflect

Planes are for all kinds of reasons
Of life, reveal the many seasons.

It was great to be back in Boston last weekend, albeit just for an overnight visit.  This city stirs so much positive energy for me.  Good friends and an environment that’s quaint, cultured, and progressive seems to entice locals as well as travelers.  Spring blossoms and time with special friends, of course, were bonuses!  

The last time I was in Boston was Labor Day weekend, and much has changed since then.  Soon-to-be landmarks are now open—or almost:

• The Liberty Hotel, on Charles Street, with its bars and restaurants.

Check out the unique refurbished jail cells, with "light shows."  Then, go downstairs for a meal at Scampo. The food is well-prepared and presented. It’s just the acoustics that need a little work.  You may lose your voice tying to have a conversation with dining companions!

• The Mandarin Hotel, on Boylston Street

• The New Apple Store, on Boylston Street scheduled to open today (May 14, 08).

Although I (like many others) have found the Macbook Air to have a few unexpected kinks, I am still a big fan of everything Apple, and this is a super location.

Saturday lunch was at Stephanie’s. But, unfortunately memories were better than actualities.  Somewhat disorganized and dirty, and not quite as delicious, I wondered what was happening there. Sunday breakfast was at the Panficio Cafe. Clean, efficient, and very delicious, this is definitely a must-try.

Boston has something for everyone, and it certainly loves its parades.  I came across two of them, by chance.  On Saturday, "Youth Pride" on Boston Common.  On Sunday, "Duckling Day Parade," along Charles Street and on to Boston Public Garden.

 

Children enjoy my artwork, at The Artist’s Project, too—strollers being rolled up to low hanging pieces, like Majesty and Flirt, the Giraffes.

Men really seemed to like my painting, Passion.  One man was happy to pose  for photos.  He just happened to be wearing a shirt that color-coordinated.  Pink-obsessed little girls were also drawn to this piece.

 

  

Even after studying beginner Italian for three semesters at the Toronto’s Italian Cultural Institute, and buying a bunch of self-help books and tapes, I wasn’t confident enough to speak the language once in Florence (for the Biennale). However, this didn’t detract from my enjoyment of being there, and sensing what was said and written—taking in the ambiance, mood, and energy. In Italy, la dolce vita (the good life) is energizing, especially when a stark Canadian winter sets in.  At a quick glance, here is some of what seems to matter:  art(s), food, hairdressers, individuality, laughter, playfulness, style, uniqueness

Food tastes different—fruit and vegetables smell like they’re supposed to (haven’t been forced or altered), and time is taken over meals. Friends gather in large groups and share what’s on the table—at home and in restaurants.  There’s a lot there, but servings are adequate, not excessive.  People learn how to dine, course by course, and interact while eating, from an early age.  They also are seen out walking on a daily basis.

There may be chaos surrounding organized events and activities, but everything gets done, just in time, and happens how it’s supposed to.  Along the way, it might be realized that biggest isn’t necessarily be best.  More intimate gatherings and personal/neighborly relationships prevail.  Instead of being home alone, many are out doing their daily grocery shop, or frequenting destinations in easy reach, by foot.  The streets bustle with locals engaged in habitual activities that have existed for generations:  going to mass, errecting and taking down market stands, or standing up for an aperitif and antipasto at a corner bar. Even well-known bursts of rain don’t stop everyday life, or visitors.

 

A few local tried and proven recommendations in Firenze include:  Carlo Bay: haircare; Cellai: hotel accomodation; Grom: gelato;  Madova: gloves; Muniaciello: pizza, cocktails, music, Rivoire: lunch, pastries, home-made chocolate; Zaza: fun, central trattoria; Zechhi: art supplies.

 

We research some hotels in advance.  Others, are found by chance.  When the Florence Biennale travel agent billeted me at the Hotel Cellai, I didn’t know what to expect, but ended up being surprised and delighted. This boutique hotel, I think, might enhance any arts enthusiast’s visit to Florence—epitomizes the Florentine spirit and its evolution. 

Originally, a small bed and breakfast, the premise has been in the Carvallo family for three generations—passing from grandmother to daughter to son.  Francesco, the current owner/manger credits his three decades of "international renaissance education" with strongly influencing his hotel’s remodeling and expansion.  The Cellai now has 70 rooms, and is brimming with artwork, ornaments, fine furnishings, and old-world charm. Each room is different from the next and the lounge areas are comfortable and intriguing.  Magazines and books are are in key locations throughout, opened on pages with special quotes, images and articles.  Also, various contemporary artists’ canvases are exhibited on a rotating basis in a living room area.

Although the hotel looks complete the way it is, Carvallo is in the process of adding three more common areas:  a billiard room (with a purple-clothed table).  Geometry is one of this designer’s passions, and the room’s intention will be to give a sense of the "forces of the universe." The second addition will be a "love room"—one that’s not really intended for use, but to be viewed as an installation of sorts, built around a red velvet sofa (from a 1890 - 1905 "pleasure house").  "It cost a fortune," Carvallo admitted, reminding that people will be looking at it, not sitting on it.  There’ll also be special mirrors (from another "pleasure house").  Finally, there’ll be Libertine prints, showing people flirting. The third, and final, new space, will be a wine bar with books and silk curtains.  20th century style will be set off to advantage here, with black and white photos from 1920 - 1970 being an important decoration (from Carvallo’s extensive personal collection).

Interior design, according to Carvallo, is like "a medicine" for him.  His own home celebrates the 1940s - 60s, but has paintings from the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries as well.  Carvallo especially loves still-lives from the nineteenth century that have dark backgrounds and Italian origins—mostly from Florence and Naples.

Carvallo appears a modest and diligent man, and blushes when telling that his interior designs have been featured in niche magazines. He is also very excited about another space, adjacent to the hotel, that is also nearing completion.  It is to be called the "Spazio Bianco" (White Space).  This is where his designs will have a chance to leap into the contemporary world (beyond the 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries).  He loves the idea of covering centuries, room by room, as he has done so far.  The "Spazio Bianco" (White Space), as its name indicates, will be totally white and have a wooden floor, also painted white.  Carvallo is particularly looking forward to creating special effects in there.  The simplicity of the decor, he thinks, will offer unique possibilities, like to change the color of the air.  

The event space/gallery is 150 square meters, and will be the hotel’s cinema, if there’s no special event or exhibition happening.  Carvallo plans to show Italian black and white movies from 1948 - 1968 (from his personal collection).   He’s also looking forward to playing there once a week, with his band, "The Pink Freuds."  Carvallo is the vocalist.  In the band, there’s vocal, piano, guitar, electric guitar, and drum.  Apart from a female lawyer, all the other band members are male—and professionals with significant day jobs:  an architect, economist, town planner, and geologist (responsible for Florence’s public water systems).

Carvallo’s attention to detail shows everywhere, and not least in his agenda for the event space/gallery.  The product line "San Zanobi" (local oils and wines) will be available for tastings.  Then, once a month, vintage dresses will be shown, from a flee market close by.   And, there’ll be a salon-type atmosphere with literary readings and art shows.  Carvallo is "connected," so the offerings are guaranteed to be interesting!  Cecco Mariniello, the number one (and reclusive) Italian childrens’ book illustrator is the Cellai’s postcard designer—and, right now, these postcards are "giveaways"!

Carvallo doesn’t have a secretary, and says he makes all his own decisions and designs.  His days are long and guests catch him fluffing cushions early morning, or with papers all over his desk well into the evening. In the day, he drifts in and out, covered in dust from construction. Carvallo explains how, in Italy, "Everyone wants to change things themselves, and put in their soul…and then there’s Italian mothers who ‘kill’ Italian boys…"  His own mother, at 83,  went paragliding in Florida recently, and his father lived a healthy life until his passing at 90.  Carvallo’s mother still helps out at the Cellai, and he says he’s appreciative of that.  "Traditionally, Italian men talk but don’t do.  Women do…," he stresses.  Carvallo might just be an exception to his own rule!

Carvallo is hoping to open all his new additions this spring.  Then, he’s planning to start selling artifacts that he’s collected, as well as artworks from displays.

 

 

Please take a moment to be in touch with a friend who doesn’t have a Valentine, and let that person know how much they mean to you/you care about them.  A simple phone call or e-mail may be just enough!  If you’re happy—and fortunate to have attention from a "special other"—try to be extra sensitive to whose circumstances are different.  Though Valentine’s Day (February 14), gives many a cause to celebrate (and for commercialism), more folks than seems fair feel uncomfortable as it looms. This poem tells a little more:

VALENTINE’S DAY

Loved?
I’m not sure about that

What is love anyway
If you haven’t felt it?

What is love anyway
If another person hasn’t meant it?

What is love anyway
If you’re all alone?

If it’s you who makes the calls
If it’s you who cares about everyone else

What is love?

Please tell me
Because I don’t think I know

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

Add to Valentine’s Day, Ontario’s first annual Family Day, four days later, February 18, 2008.  Apart from proving an inconvenience for some in the business world, this second "relationship-rejoicing" day may add to singles feeling more out-of-place (a significant percentage of the local population).  According to February’s Village Post, its very name is "puritanical," and just begs for satire!

The "January blues" are legendary. Then comes February, and moods sink lower. Is there anything that can be done to help? Some are too familiar with the pain (not just in January or February, but year round) and don’t need to have it explained (like in the poem below). Others are able to escape it— supports, special advantages, or attitude making things easier.  Living in warmer friendlier climates (or taking a sun break) can also be helpful.  But this isn’t always possible.  In cities such as Toronto, known more for aloofness and coldness than ambiance and joie de vivre, extra efforts need to be made.  It’s important to be aware of those around us, and check-in on them—include, invite, encourage, or reciprocate.  At least, try and offer a smile or "hello," even to someone you don’t know.

FEBRUARY FUNK

Looking good on the outside
Doesn’t dull the pain within

Do you know that pain?

Under the nose
In the throat
Around the eyes

An upset that you feel
Even if others don’t see

Do you know that pain?

Maybe you don’t
Likely you won’t

Do you know the sadness of
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Despair?

Seeing that others, clearly, don’t care

A "Please"
"Thank you"
"Sorry"
"Well done"
Might pick up someone else’s day

Few brave enough to show the way

Don’t ask "Why?"
Ask, "Why not?"

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is driven by others
Not just ourselves

We know, ourselves, what we do, feel, think
What’s right, wrong, uncomfortable, or easy

Others affirm, deny, encourage, avoid
Enable and disable

Contribute to who we are and can be

It’s who surrounds us
And who doesn’t

It’s what they say
And what they don’t

How they respond
Or not

No matter our strengths and weaknesses
Failures and successes
Feedback and allegiance matter
 
Others indicate the worthwhile, and the not so
Include and exclude
 
What we’re left with is up to us.

I’m thrilled to be contacted by those who enjoy my poetry. Earlier this month, Susan Kusel, of the Wizards Wireless Blog, wrote to ask permission to include excerpts from my Kilimanjaro series on her "Poetry Friday." Her brother, Russ, was due to climb Kilimanjaro, and she wanted to provide him with inspiration. How wonderful! Last week, after Russ returned from his successful ascent, Susan posted her own poem to honor his journey. Comments back to both blog posts, by readers, and Russ, himself, were, affirming, touching, and thought-provoking. Siblinghood at its best!

Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off."  Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships.  January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.

This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1.  Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2.  Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3.  Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4.  Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?

How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered.  Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?

Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo.  Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.

Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague.  She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…"  "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?"  Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.

New relationships used to get off to more comfortable starts because respect, consideration, and life-cycle stages seemed to matter.  Each person involved (or wanting to be) had incentive to keep things going—sought greater interdependence and collaboration (believed in a better quality of life as a "two").  Today, distractions and alternative options are more alluring than working on what’s infront of you—and got good possiblities.  Eyes wander more than ever before—if not in actuality, virtually.  

Cyber—cheating prevents many new connections from growing as they might have, easy "escapism" too available. High potential matches are stumped before they are started.  Serious daters (looking for a monogomous long-term relationship) dance with serial daters (those ever-seeking perfect and better). Once serial daters get what they think they want, it looses appeal and the chase becomes more exicting than the catch. On to the next!  Some endings are abrupt.  Others "fade away," one (cowardly) person knowing what they’re doing, the "worthier other" being left disappointed or surprised.

There used to be a commonly followed "three-date" practice (not to judge too quickly). Today, even second chances are hard to come by.  If someone isn’t perfect—better quality than the person ruling them out, from the very first encounter or because of an "off-moment"—there’s no hope for continuity or tolerance.  Why waste time with someone who might be human—have as many flaws as you do?  A quick fix, rather than hard work (as necessary for most everything else) prompts expectations…and disappointments.

Bravo to "Bravo" for alerting us to Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker team!  Thanks for displaying that guys one would think "apppropriate" aren’t necessarily ready—still fantasizing over unrealistic catches, or need "fine-tuning."  A show that is "out-of-the-box" in its showcasing of a service that attempts to coddle those who pay to seek what even money can’t buy. That aside, Patti’s Dating Commandments are worth checking out (millionaire or not).

Heath Ledger’s unfortunate death has generated much discussion about its nature—whether it was accidental or not. From the LA Times to Time (and beyond), it’s become a major news story!  Close family and friends of the deceased insisted right away on "accidental causes." Noone likes to think about, admit to, or acknowledge the "S"(uicide) possiblity, at anytime.

Media have provided a lot of extra/invasive hype, with many presumptive questions.  Naturally, suggestions of foul play abound, with analyses of the actor’s distresses.  Whatever the truth might actually be, we’ll never really know. Sadly, the one person who could have told us isn’t around anymore.  Apparently, he was found alone, face-down and naked on his bed, by service providers (his housekeeper and his masseuse).  Close family were thousands of miles away, and the face that Ledger gave to the world in his many outstanding film performances was, obviously, not the face he wore privately (of late).

Ledger was famous. That’s why we get to hear, see, and read about him, and his final days and hours.  But, there are many other individuals, just like this movie star, dying every day—and in our own midst. Their burnout, despair, frustration, and loneliness cannot be remedied effectively.  Accidents and non-accidents happen, closer to home and all the time…

No matter the nice things said and done after a "loved one" is gone, nothing can make up for what was not said and done when he or she was alive (manifesting that all wasn’t right). The "take-home message" is to be more mindful of those around us continually—and sensitive to our interactions with them.  We truly never know how we might affect someone else, and what the consequences might be.  What’s not a big deal for you, might be for someone else. Everything adds up.  And, sometimes, just one more disappointing encoounter may be that one more too many…

This following simple poem, "Depression Alert," is an important one to remember. I included it (below) in tribute to Ledger. His untimely death provides an opportunity to share sentiments that might not have gained exposure otherwise.  Think of those with whom your life intersects. Perhaps they need a little more attention, consideration, and follow-up than you’ve been able to give them till now.  We may all be "busy," but…

DEPRESSION ALERT!

The places you don’t go
Clothes you don’t wear
People you don’t see

Others’ imaginings…

A life of ease
Please don’t tease

The pain
Nothing you can explain

Torment deep within
Understanding thin

Not who they think you are
Distance very far

Spoken up and not heard
Silent and more congenial

Another funeral.

 

 

 

 

 

Last week, I celebrated my parents’ golden wedding anniversary in Liverpool—a real privilege.  This is a personal milestone, I’m aware, sadly, I will never be able to enjoy, not being married (yet).  I also marvel over my parents’ wonderful circle of lifelong friends and old-world values—neighbors who’ve known each other and remained in close contact, acting as extended family for generations.  Regrettably, few of my parents’ contemporaries’ children are still in town.  Like me, some have traveled abroad.  Others are based in London.  A couple of parents have been able to follow their children…  

Hometown roots are always important, especially to Liverpudlians.  These days, my home town is very proud of its heritage and accomplishments.  2007 - 2008 are banner years for Liverpool.  Not only does it have its 800th anniversary, it was also named as European Capital of Culture.

The weekend of Sept 15 -16, 07,  saw the city hosting many amazing events, including:
• The Big History Show at St. George’s Hall (photo below)
• The Hope Street Festival
• The Clipper Yacht Launch at the Albert Dock

 

 

 

 

 

It was impossible for me to do and see everything, but the few activities I had the chance to experience were exciting.  For the history event, I was happy to be able to hear my elderly father, Professor Rex Makin, give his Saturday presentation.  He is a free man of the city, and spoke to a sell-out audience.  At the clipper yacht launch, I was surprised to meet Sir Robin Knox Johnston. Standing right next to him, I was able to watch him seeing off the fleet with personal attention to detail and delight.

 

 

 

 

 

Liverpool is changing fast, as the cranes in front of the landmark Liver Buildings/Three Graces show.

 

Seasons of change happen externally and environmentally, as well as internally and spiritually.  My trip to Liverpool also coincided with Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).  On the days in between, I thought of what was and what could be, who I am and who I am not, where we are in the world and how I can help make it a better place.  Am I doing the best job I can?  What are my intentions and actions? Will they harm or help others? How can I live a more fulfilling, altruistic, and satisfying life? 

Values, morals, ethics, and acting mindfully and carefully were prominent in my thoughts.  A time for introspection and reflection is also a time for sharing and caring—"doing the right thing" and nurturing a healthy mindset.  Alas, not all of us succeed as often as we hope to, and some make more mistakes than others.  Intentions matter as does self-knowledge and sensitivity to and consideration for others and our planet.

When we’re able to overcome petty differences, we’re more inclined to take the bigger picture into account—not just act in our own best interests.  Life is short and every day has the potential for positive happenings.  Those who have the health, means, and family with which to enjoy what’s possible are blessed—should take nothing and no one fore granted.

A "Shana Tova" (Good Year!) to everyone!

Please note:  These lists are in random order and not comprehensive. They’re simply a start in helping identify what might prompt and perpetuate abuse, as well as enable recovery from it…

How an abused person might feel or react:

1. Unable to tell friends/family/authorities what’s happening, because of feeling too awkward, ashamed, or foolish.

2. Uncertain what might happen next, because trust and predictability are gone.

3. Without words to explain what’s happening because it’s too unbelievable, or hard to describe.

4. Violated, physically or emotionally, or both.

5. "Out of character"—angry, upset, or violent, which isn’t typical.

6. Pushed to the limits and exhausted.

7. Out of ideas and resources.

8. Disorganized—like a tornado’s passed through.

9. Concerned about making too much/not enough of things.

10. Disappointed, sad, and let down—and worried about the future.

How an abuser might act:

1. Display behaviors that change from minute to minute without reason (show public displays of affection one minute and be a raging monster the next).

2. Not be able to be calmed down or stopped when in a tirade.

3. Act, the next day, like nothing’s happened—be oblivious to abusive tendencies.

4. Never be wrong—put it all on the other person as never getting it right.

5. Turn a perfectly enjoyable day into a nightmare for no real reason.

6. Find fault with everything the victim does or says, taking advantage of vulnerabilities.

7. Give gifts and/or be overly nice 24 hours after, just to get back into favor.

8. Be the source of great pleasure as well as pain—becoming indispensable.

9. Suggest that everyone else (any supports the victim might have) are wrong or should be stayed away from.

10. Think that they’re the best—or know better, most of the time (always giving lessons and offering "protection").

Abuse happens when an abused person has:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. A poor support network.

3. Other difficulties.

4. Become cut off or is isolated from friends and/or family.

5. Been abused before.

6. Has a personality that you wouldn’t think could be abused (is strong in other aspects of life).

Abusers are often:

1. Known by the victim already.

2. Relations on whom the victim depends emotionally and/or financially.

3. Individuals who are respected in the community and/or at work (and are in power positions)—appear charming, wise, and kind to others.

4. Used to abuse or familial dysfunction already, and have a history of family problems.

Abuse isn’t only physical, it’s emotional too:

1. Once the victim is beaten down emotionally, who knows what might happen next?

2. There are things that are permissible to say to someone else, and there are things that are not. Know what’s unacceptable is essential.

Abuse doesn’t usually come about, or go away, by itself.  Pro-activity is necessary:

1. Stay away from the abuser.

2. Inform others about what’s going on, and build a support network.

3. Tell "authorities" (the police, social agencies) and take (legal) action where necessary.

4. Get counseling and/or protection.

5. Move on by doing feel-good activities with feel-better others.

6. Take time out to heal and regroup—remember that you’re worth the best, as well as others’ support.

7. Accept that a situation might not be your fault.

8. Be strong and brave even if you don’t think you can.

9. Acknowledge the power of the abuser—nothing else might work very well until then.

10. Be less predictable—count on yourself, by changing some of the things you do and ways you do them (regain independence and creativity).

Understanding Your Sleep Needs

The power of sleep can’t be underestimated.  But, keep in mind, some of us need more of it than others.  Also, some of us function better at different times of the day.  There are "morning people" and "night owls," as well as schedules that aren’t always comfortable .

There’s nothing like being able to live in rhythm with—and respect—your sleep clock if you can.  

Recognizing if You’re a Morning Person or Night Owl

I am most definitely a morning person, and can get more done between 5 and 10 am than any other time of the day.  After 5 pm, it’s a lot more difficult.  The things that I struggle to complete at night, I might as well have not attempted.  When I take a fresh look at them in the morning, I realize I can complete them much more quickly and easily.  Sometimes I’m more able to do physical tasks at night, but not anything that requires thinking power.

Others might have an opposite experience, and I appreciate that.

Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

We all have different ways for getting a good night’s sleep, and some of them can be seen as "finicky" by those who say they can "sleep on a clothes line."

I put these strategies high on my list:

1.  A room that’s as dark and silent as possible

2.  Bedding that’s comfortable and cozy, that covers you properly, and isn’t too light or heavy

3.  A clock that’s visible and shows the time, for any awake moments that have you wondering the hour (without having to get out of bed) then being able to fall right back to sleep

4.  Not having eaten just before going to bed

5.  Being organized for the next day before going to bed

6.  No late-night in-bed phone calls that might send you to sleep while chatting or be upsetting

7.  Turning the television or radio off (or other interruptions), and not falling asleep to them

8.   Sufficient good food, exercise, and emotional support

9.  A sense of hope or gratitude about something—anything

10. Congenial bed company—like poodle pals, Lev and Sage—who know when to snuggle up and/or give space

Others might have different strategies.  Whatever works!

Re. Sleep Aids

While sleeping pills, sedatives, and alchol help many people temporarily, sometimes they can make things harder in the long-run.  Dependencies/addictions can start quite innocently.  Just like with diet pills and food restrictions, it’s important to try to find other ways to overcome difficulties, even if they might seem harder at first.

Others might believe differently.  They have the right to do so, so long as they’re not endangering anyone else.

Mother’s Day was last weekend.  Another hard holiday for many—those who don’t have a mother, or are at odds with her, and those who long to be a mother but haven’t been able to have that experience happen.  Just like on other holidays such as Valentine’s Day and New Year’s, more people than you might imagine feel left out or envious of those en route to gatherings or carrying flowers.  

Options that might provide distraction or relief on Mother’s Day, for those who aren’t part of the celebration, include:

1.  Catching up on work.
2.  Getting together with friends in similar situations.
3.  Enjoying something fun (like a sports activity, shopping trip, or massage).

Places that it might be better for non-celebrators to stay away from include:

1.  Family style restaurants and other solo-unfriendly gathering places.
2.  Family parties (if they’re uncomfortable).
3.  Stores that are full of memorabilia (gifts and cards) specific to the day.

It’s amazing how one "special day" can become a huge dread and ordeal for some, and bring about immense joy and happiness for others.  Also, it’s often hard for those who aren’t familiar with loss or longing to understand those who are.
 
Those who are lucky enough to be able to celebrate "special days" might like to:
 
1.  Not assume anything about, or judge, those who could be having a difficult time.
2.  Appreciate the privilege of being able to celebrate with others and not take this for granted.
3.  Be mindful of non-celebrators’ feelings, selecting sharings (about personal celebrations) carefully.

When we’re not clear we risk being more easily misunderstood—upsetting ourselves and other people (finances and well-being).  Don’t cause trouble when it’s not necessary to do so.

When you arm yourself with the right protection (attitude and and strategies) no one gets hurt —has to to attack or defend, unnecessarily.

1. Put things in writing.

2. Repeat, repeat, repeat—and get feedback and acknowledgment.

3. (Formal) confirmation and agreement should come with a signature or payment.

4. Follow protocols that are tried and proven (for contracts, events, and shared arrangements).

1. If it’s not mentioned, it might not exist in actuality—only in your head.

2. Just because you do things one way, it doesn’t mean others will follow suit naturally.

3. You can’t know for sure that another person understands/agrees unless he tells you he does.

4.  Some situations require discussion and compromise—need to be addressed upfront, not put on hold in the hope they’ll go away.

1. Look at what you and the other party could have done differently, separately and together.

2. Realize that if you didn’t protect yourself in advance, there’s little you can do later for reparation.

3. If deception by the other party was intentional (took advantage of your weaknesses), you know who to avoid in the future.

4. Protect yourself:  learn from your mistakes, and others’ manipulations.  Plan, do, and think differently for future happenings and encounters.

1. There are two sides to every story and many interpretations of what actually occurs.

2. There’s only one actual truth (and set of facts).  That truth might reveal that no party is entirely wrong or right in their reactions.  If guidelines are vague, outcomes might be too.

3. Consider all sides and angles and know and try to act in good faith.  If you do that, you can’t blame yourself—and no one else should blame you.

4.  Try your very best every time, even if you’ve been burned before.  Outcomes can’t always be taken personally.  Others mistakes are, sometimes, inevitable.

When we, ourselves, take responsibility—make the extra effort to be clear— fewer misunderstandings will occur with others. Energy doesn’t get wasted needlessly, with plain sailing offering fresh possibilities and hope.

We never know how we touch other people with a word, action, look, or silence.

On the surface, we believe we know who others are.  But, deep down, do we really? Only when a crisis happens, do we get a wake-up call.  "If only…" really doesn’t matter then.  Sadly, it’s too late.  Right now we’re all too well aware of the Virginia Tech massacre, and wonder who the killer was—what could have motivated this benign looking loner to commit such horrific carnage.  

It was just an ordinary day.  Then, out of the blue, lives were ended or changed for ever.  Even those of us who don’t know individuals who had the bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time feel grief, pain, and hopelessness—question whether or not authorities could have responded differently (saved more innocent lives).

It’s all too easy to look at events that don’t involve us directly and be amazed and scared by what we see and hear.  However, often, we overlook extremely harmful circumstances happening day after day in our own homes—with family, friends, and acquaintances.  There are many "time-bombs" waiting to go off—that are hard to talk about/do something about—till it’s too late.

For those who know individuals who are close to them that might be a danger to themselves and others, perhaps it’s time to speak up—be proactive not reactive.  

Usually people don’t speak up because they’re afraid of the consequences.  They:
1.  already feel bullied enough and have no more energy.
2.  worry about someone else getting hurt, instead of them (which could be worse).
3.  are in a financial bind, and risk losing all (perhaps because the abuser holds the purse strings).
4.  feel embarrassed, awkward and ashamed—don’t want to lose face.

Those who do speak up often suffer horrible consequences.  They’re:
1.  outlawed by the abuser as well as other family and/or friends (who might not want to acknowledge the problem).
2.  victimized further—made to suffer beyond all reason (to the point at which their own mental faculties start failing).
3.  all alone—have a poor support network, because their stories are too incredible to share, or the abuser has succeeded in isolating them from outsiders.
4.  deemed to be the one with the "issues" because they won’t accept the status quo—feel isolated/estranged in this struggle and many more.

It doesn’t matter who you are.  Everyone, regardless of education, class, or finances can fall prey to someone who is as destructive as (s)he is deranged.  We never realize how bad things are till we’re able to step out of a situation, or have others witness it.  Those who are dysfunctional and dangerous are very manipulative and clever at hiding what they’re capable of achieving—especially if they’re supposed to be "near and dear" to us.

Our gut tells us when something’s wrong, but whether or not we’re able to stop the inevitable is another matter.  In order to tackle a monster, it’s not possible to go the journey alone.  Allies are necessary—individuals who believe in the person they’re backing—that (s)he is reasonable and right.  At the end of the day, what they think of the potential perpetrator is secondary.  So long as one person is struggling alone against him/her, (s)he will not be properly identified, weakened, or put down.

It’s important to be more mindful of those around us—where and how they might be struggling and suffering—and heed warning signs.  At a time when family ties and close friendships seem to be less reliable, it should no longer be every (wo)man for her/himself.  Social responsibility and action need to come into play.  Also, in a society whose members come from many different backgrounds, no one can be sure with whom and what they’re actually dealing.  Right and wrong lack conventional bounds (as do reason and respect).

Most people who are not personally affected by situations don’t want to get involved because they:
1. don’t have time.
2.  see there’s nothing in it for them.
3.  accept it’s none of their business.
4.  admit they don’t really care.  

Others shouldn’t be expected to meddle in the personal business of those they do not know.  But, when they pick up on how something doesn’t sound or look right, perhaps they can try and lose the fear by:
1.  speaking to authorities or connected others.
2.  showing concern to those involved/seeking help—be there for them in whatever small way possible.
3.  not fading away, assuming the problem is someone else’s and will go away by itself.
4.  being a support or resource if at all reasonable.

There’s no particular message in this blog entry other than to affirm that there are a lot of angry, upset, vindictive, and toxic individuals ready to ignite anytime—and they’re all around us.  We worry about terrorism and war, accidents and natural disasters.  But, in actuality, we’re less likely to be destroyed by them, personally, than by a neighbor, brother, boss, co-worker, or stranger in the street.  Armed and dangerous (emotionally and/or physically), they can do us more harm than we’d like to imagine, or can endure.  

Some of us suffer in silence, already realizing this.  Others live in denial, not believing anything bad will ultimately happen—if we play their game/do everything required.  So long as nothing is done, said, pushed, or provoked, it’s possible to keep on treading water—or so many think. 

We’d like to dream on, but can we any longer?

Rejection is hard.  Not knowing why you’ve been rejected is harder, especially when explanations could be more educational than painful.  They would help make you more aware for next time, or learn that you weren’t a fit anyway—might have had a close escape.  

Those who send back insincere form letters, more often than not, don’t read applications properly (if at all).  Larger companies might not have time for the little guy seeking help.  But, it’s probably that little guy, gutsy enough to approach them, who’s helped their business get where it is—buying their products or engaging their services, year after year. Then, there are the dates who don’t want to see you again, or the clients that don’t call back. 

In most situations, there’s no way of knowing your competition.  But, is your competition better?  Perhaps they just have superior marketing techniques, friends in "high places," or luck and timing?  Unfortunately, there are many better ideas, products, and people out there than the ones that actually end up getting recognized!

People who don’t know rejection are extremely fortunate.  People who are familiar with multiple rejections are more fortunate.  The greater number of rejections you’ve had, the lower your expectations.  Disappointments are a natural part of life and make you try all the harder.  The less rejections you’ve had, the more shocked and personally hurt you are by them.  A first miinor rejection can trigger a major crisis.

Rejections toughen you up.  Nevertheless, there is a point when even the tough have had enough.  Those around us applaud success, but aren’t always aware of the effort (and failures) it might have taken to get there—or be stuck not getting there.  If you’ve had a bumpy ride you’re usually more appreciative of making it.  Success is not just about the end destination, it’s about the journey too.  The process of not giving up makes being accepted (finally) all the sweeter.

People who reject frequently can be oblivious to the impact of a poorly delivered rejection.  They can’t imagine the repercussions sometimes sparked.  The rejected are generally good at putting on a brave face and not revealing their disappointment.  Cudos, however, to those who do speak up—ask for clarification and express their surprise or sadness.  What’s the worst thing that can happen?  You know who, where, and what to avoid in the future, especially if circumstances change and you become the decision-maker.

Energy is precious and time passes quickly.  That’s why it’s important not to brood on what’s been/can’t be.  Even if you don’t win (keep on getting rejected), know that you’ve tried as hard as you can.  Your conscience is clear!  Your rejection isn’t just about you—the other side might have made a mistake.  Over time, you might step back and see the whole picture—have your ideas evolve.  You’re more able to recognize why things happened the way they did, even if the end results aren’t ideal.

No one gets all they want all of the time.  Some don’t get any of what they want any of the time.  If you keep comparison-making  or constantly feel entitled to rewards and recognition, you’re going to have a lot harder time living with rejection. 

• Pursue other avenues—stop going where (and to whom) you’re not welcome.  Identify your comfort zones/people, and test those first.

• Take a break:  stop reaching out till the dust settles.  Appreciate what can be, even if it’s not what you really want, and hope for the best.

• Believe in, like, and improve yourself.  Perhaps, those who rejected you will change their minds.

• Engage in positive activities and relationships, where you don’t have to pass or fail—are acceptable just the way you are.  Capitalize on the possible, not the impossible!

• Join peer groups for those experiencing similar circumstances.  You’ll find you’re not alone!

• Discuss, research, and network, and share what you’re thinking, feeling, or wishing.  Fresh ideas and helpful feedback will pop up along the way.

Babies are the best "Hollywood accessories" today.  Think about it:  Angelina and Brad, Jen and Ben, Britney, Julia, Madonna, and Sharon Stone, even Nancy Odel.  Everyone’s doing it (naturally or by adoption).  Then there’s all the revenue generated from photo ops and interviews.  

Babies, it seems, give the impression of strength and power—public relations possibilities galore.  With a baby in your arms, you have more chance of looking  like a good, loving, caring person than not.  There is, however, a more awkward and distressing side to baby-making, one that caused a squabble between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields: Post Partum Depression. Also, what about those who have no baby to talk about in any context? A "(non-)baby condition" I call, "No Partum Depression" (NPD), seldom gets enough airing.

NPD, which mightn’t differ from Post-Part