The Today Show looked at a new buzz subject this morning, "secondhand stress"—the not being able to sleep at night because of worrying about other peoples’ problems.  This terminology is catchy, like "secondhand smoke."  But, "secondhand smoke," which is exactly that, is easier to define accurately. "Secondhand stress," when thought about carefully, could have extended and/or alternative meanings.  How others’ problems make us worry (about them) might not be as serious as how others (problematic) behavior (towards us) can give us our own fresh problems—first-, as well as secondhand, stress.  

Our interactions with other people, and the relationships they help make or break are key determinants of well-being.  Think about the ends of friendships and the misunderstandings and lack of resolution attached to them.  These can come about because of one person’s own (unrelated) issues, and actually have very little do with the other person at all.  Unfortunately, few ex-friends who instigate break-ups, provide chances for clarification.

"Friend A," who is typically quick to anger, jealousy, or assumption, might eliminate  "Friend B" instantly, no leeway for discussion or explanation.  In the aftermath, "Friend B" wonders what’s hit him.  What did he do wrong?  Perhaps nothing.  But, the ongoing stress from the loss of the friendship that seems impossible to repair still nags and gnaws.  Then there’s "passive aggression" in ongoing "friendships."  "Friend A" bottles things up for a long time, not telling "Friend B" what’s wrong. Instead, he acts out in different ways that make "Friend B" feel uncomfortable or unable to get things right.  Intentionally, or not, "Friend A" may be a bit of a "manipulator."  However, most "manipulators" often set out with a plan from the start, and "passive aggression" is often more unconscious than contrived.  Secrecy, is something else, and another friendship-barrier.

There’s a lot to say about how others make us feel, and how we handle our responses to stress generated by interactions with "used-to-be-friends".  This blog entry focuses on categorizing and listing the "frienemy-types" that can boost (secondhand) stress levels, as suggested in the scenarios just described:  

1.  The Quick-Ender:  This "frienemy" has a short fuse, quickly ignited by jealousy, anger, and/or assumption.  Being friends with this person can be an interesting/passionate ride, so long as they are on your side. However, once they develop a "hate," stand clear. If they do agree to talk things through, they won’t have much of a listening ear.  Their quickness to judgment is a bit of a handicap, and they’ll have to be right, and you’ll have to wrong…

2.  The Bottler:  This "frienemy" might not know how to act differently, and prefer to swathe in self-defensive behaviors that don’t bode well for open and adaptable friendships.  Bottling is a lengthy process, and preserved foods have shelf life.  What’s been happening over (an extended) period of time can’t be repaired in an instant.  Habits have formed, which may be hard to break, and expectations (and disappointments) linger.  The person who doesn’t seem like a troublemaker may actually cause more anguish than imaginable…

3.  The Controller:  This "frienemy" might not have been open or true from the start, having a one-sided notion of  "friendship requirements."  Most friendships, like it or not, happen on a "needs" basis.  "A" offers  "B" something, "B" offers "A" something.  There’s overlapping "interests" or "connection possibilities."  Friendships that don’t give "returns" mightn’t be valuable enough for "controllers" to maintain:  "friends" who can’t be made to do something are no longer "friends."  Self-esteem may determine how long manipulation can be endured—no one likes a "bully" but a "bully" often finds ways to stick around (especially when others are weak)…

4.  The Secretive:   This "frienemy" has "boundaries" that are extreme or unnecessary.  Caring and sharing are natural components of healthy friendships.  Not disclosing relevant information and keeping secrets jeopardizes and destroys potential to take things to the next level.  "Holding-patterns" don’t work.  When one person does all the talking and the other all the listening (and questioning), there’s an imbalance.  This doesn’t always happen because the talker is self-absorbed.  The listener simply wishes to keep the focus on the other person as a way of avoiding questions about his "own stuff"…

We don’t usually know, right away, how a friendship will play out—whether or not there’ll be problems with a "Quick-Ender," "Bottler," "Controller," or "Secretive" type.  But, like with other life-circumstances, before a final fallout, there are often warning signs, to which we may, or may not, pay attention.  So, when friendships are dissolved, there may be a lot more pain than surprise.  Also, making (satisfying) peace with the types listed above isn’t, generally, a viable option. 

Earlier Blog Entries about Friendship include:

• "A" and "B" List FRIENDS (July 8, 2007)
• FRIENDS Help Friends (December 7, 2006)

Earlier Blog Entries about Relationship Stressors Include:

• Mixed Messages and Contradictions (September 29, 2008)
• PLAY NICE—Near and Far! (John Edwards too…) (August 13, 2008)
• MANIPULATION (August 9, 2008)
• RECIPROCITY (February 8, 2008)
• CONFIDENCE (February 1, 2008)
• RELATIONSHIP “Uppers” and “Downers” (January 29, 2008)
• GIVING: Give to Give (September 5, 2007)
• Keep Your Word (July 25, 2007)
• ABUSE Checklists (May 26, 2007)
• TRUTH Matters (May 8, 2007)
• Make Things CLEAR—Avoid MISUNDERSTANDINGS (April 17, 2007)
• Handle with CARE—IDENTIFY, EXPOSE, and GET HELP for Those Who Can Do Harm (like at Virginia Tech) (April 17, 2007)
• A “NO” REPLY is Better than NO REPLY (April 13, 2007)
• REJECTION Protection (February 25, 2007)
• TIME is Precious (December 15, 2006)