RELATIONSHIP “Uppers” and “Downers”
Even relationships assumed to be "on" might be "off." Apparently 20 million American couples are in low- or no-sex relationships. January 28th’s View featured Bob Berkowitz discussing his (and his wife’s [Susan Yager-Berkowiz]) recent headline-attracting book, He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.
This topical text draws attention to a number of interesting questions about where men’s disinterest comes from, including:
1. Is it physical, emotional, psychological, or simple partner-boredom?
2. Is it an anger-response about other aspects of a (failing) relationship, or symptomatic of depression?
3. Is it due to too-easily accessible porn (some men becoming unable to be turned on without it)?
4. Is it an outcome of "natural causes"?
How sexless men’s partners might feel is also considered. Are they dejected, relieved, guilty or suspicious (of infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality)?
Whether there’s sex in a relationship or not, many still prefer being seen to be part of a "two" than "unchosen"/solo. Long-term solos (by chance or choice) have their own "going-sexless" challenges—and (usually) fewer viable alternatives, as well as less public empathy.
Even if a partnership is sexless, it might still be supportive and status-affirming. This was demonstrated to me recently, at lunch with a colleague. She announced, "Going to be 50 this summer, and I’ve more self-confidence and daring than ever—must come from being married with kids…" "How do you think those without marriage and kids might feel, the same "big birthday" coming up," I asked. "What keeps them going?" Quiet and visibly uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine or relate, and changed the subject.
