When I write, it’s often to deal with challenging subjects.  Sorting them out on the page gives them voice and meaning.  My writing makes me (and others) think—dares to express what we don’t always want to hear or know and acknowledge. It’s raw and real, and gets to the heart of matters that can be far from funny. This doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing.  Honestly, it takes courage!

When we put ourselves out there and share, positive happenings can follow.  Also, the opportunity to share is valuable in itself.  Usually, what’s important to one person, is to another. And, those who had no previous knowledge of what’s been revealed may have some "aha moments."

A Today Show concert series interview with Tom Higgenson (July 24, 07)  of Plain White T’s fame, focused on the group’s breakthrough number one hit of the summer, "Hey There Delilah" (from the album "Every Second Counts").  Higgenson explained that his song-writing changed after a car accident.  He’s come to realize, "The more personal that you get in what you write about, the more people have probably gone through those same things, so they can relate to it more…"
 
When I paint, it’s often to escape from and provide relief for the challenging times focused on in my writing—whether I realize it at the time, or not.  I have a natural inclination to create something that’s pleasing to the eye and change the mood (mine and others’)—picture things more optimistically.  Whimsy, bright colors, and pleasing subject matter drive me to new places, making others smile along the way.

Listening to "Hey There Delilah," I realize how words put to music can take the heaviness out of what’s being said, while still getting intended messages across.  I’m less able to do this because of the way I divide my words and visuals.  The words that I write are presented separately from the paintings that I paint (for now), offering two distinct impressions—and moods.  Though I, myself, realize I’m not just sad or happy at any one time, readers and audiences taking in one or other modality, by itself, might not recognize this. 

Life is a constant balancing act for most of us, something that makes finding and developing a variety of outlets for creative self-expression (that work separately or together) a natural instinct and survival mechanism.

The "best things in life" are said to be "free,"
but sometimes there’s reason to wonder,
especially if single and looking…

RELUCTANT = Not wanting to be in a particular situation but not really having a choice, so having to get on with it, however possible…

Singles Who Are "Reluctant" Are Easily Identifiable:

1. They don’t want to be single at all, short or long-term—know singlehood to be a lonely/inadequate state, no matter the positive spin put on it for others’ benefit.
2. They are concerned about being different to all their coupled friends—left out, as well as left behind.
3.  They regret and are preoccupied with missing "developmental stages"—marriage and children.
4.  They recognize that some are more equal than others—a wedding band is still seen as a "ring of success" by most.
5. They are tired of singles’ gimmicks/an exploitative "singles market"—merchandise and media that don’t respect who singles are and can be as people, just profit from and/or make fun of their vulnerabilities.
6. They’re familiar with getting excluded by couples (and family members)—those who used to be single (and singles-friendly) when they were trying to move on from that status, themselves.

"Reluctant Singles" Realize:

1. Complaining doesn’t help—just makes them appear bitter/whiney—seen to be deserving to be single.
2. Non-singles might not care about their single friends’ single status as much as others who are single.  Being in a relationship can often make it harder to empathize—there are other more pressing problems (which is, usually, true).
3. Society doesn’t properly accommodate its singles majority—it’s still a "couples’ world," for the most part.
4. Singles need to make a lot of fuss in order to be heard when their (true) messages and issues aren’t upbeat—funny, inspirational, or entertaining.
5. What’s hard to acknowledge (about singles’ struggles) is more readily ignored.
6. Only "reluctant singles" really know what’s challenging about their circumstances—what needs to change to help those looking, or how singlehood might be made more agreeable.  However, their ideas aren’t always good for business.  ("Singles’ businesses" are, for the most part, profit- not people-oriented, or charities.)

When The Price is Wrong:

For singles not sure about which singles’ businesses to trust—who’s not simply looking to make a quick buck from them—it’s important to be aware of these common occurences:

1.  Event/trip planners who don’t let clients know exactly who might be attending (ratio of men to women, ages, intellects/interests)?  They’ll have a participant along, even if they know the mix isn’t suitable.  An unsuspecting client starts out by trying to enjoy the activity, but that can’t suffice.  The activity was only a mechanism, not the purpose for attendance or outlay.
2.  Matchmakers who offer unsuitable matches repeatedly, or who misrepresent personal profile information (like age, interests, empoyment, appearance, etc.).  Then, clients are told they’re too picky for declining them.  Those who don’t have the inventory and take clients’ money, anyway, "in the hope that…" can have even the smartest fooled.
3.  Websites and singles’ groups where clients have to sign on for a specific number of dates or events, paying a lump sum up front.  Then, after one, two, or three not-as-advertised experiences, it’s clear things aren’t going to change for the better and nothing can be done about the loss.  Plus, the organizers, who were super reassuring in the beginning, aren’t nearly as nice later on…
4.  For dating sites, especially, are there small-print roll over possibilities, that if you don’t cancel, formally, for next month you’ll be paying out indefinitely?  Then, signing off doesn’t mean signing out.  Previous members may still be bombarded with mailings and their canceled profiles for ever visible.
5.  "Special helpers" and "teachers’ pets" seem to be given first dibs on the "hottest" suitors.  When a singles’ group has a volunteer workforce, rules may be meant to be broken. 
6.  Singles’ operators who are "single operators" can build their business around their own search.  This means, they too often, can put their own, rather than their clients’, needs first.
7.  Groups/websites that don’t have a "manners protocol"—that those written to should respond, even to say "no"—don’t always display the customer-friendly behaviors themselves.
8.  Groups that favor numbers over quality may be more concerned with their own profit margin, than pleasing the customer.  Helping someone to meet their "basherte" is a blend of skill, patience, luck and expertise—requires humanity and humility.  Often, the more flash and anonymous the website, the more cause to be suspicious. 

When the Price is Fair:

Recommendations/A few "singles’ connectors" that stand out from the rest:

Please help add to this list of "Recommended Singles’ Connectors."  Of course, there may be more that are not recommended.  If you have a tale to tell, others who are "newer to the ‘game’" will appreciate being alerted.  A list can also be made of those to avoid… 

"Reluctant Singles’" Allies (Friends, Acquaintances, and Community/Faith-Based Groups) Might:

1. Risk creating opportunities for singles to share their feelings, unedited—in ways that don’t have to be funny or fantastical (just true).
2. Help change the rules (written and not)—make provisions for greater singles’ inclusion, privately as well as in public.  For instance, "two for the price of one" hasn’t been the best deal in town for a long time.
3. Try to bring about "matches" for singles in their lives, wherever appropriate and practical—put in the extra effort even when they’re not asked to do so.
4. Take initiatives to include and/or match-make—especially if/since they’ve been there too and should still understand.
5. See the whole picture—be aware of social change and how successful relationships aren’t always a given, healthful alternatives/good friends and supporters being all the more necessary.
6. Not do what others do—do what needs to be done.  Be welcoming, helpful, resourceful, and creative, even if few can be seen to be setting that example.

Reminder:  Singles’/Dating Businesses are Businesses—and News-Makers:

Generally, no matter how altruistically "singles’ operators" present themselves or their services, they’re chief goal is, usually, to make money.  As much of it as possible—quickly.  If, along the way, singles hook up, or find happiness in their single status, it’s a bonus/good pr!

Some singles’ businesses are known to be more of a rip off than others—what you pay out can’t  guarantee what you’ll get back.  Sometimes, when you pay more you get less.  Though many think the more the better—the greater their chance of meeting the perfect upscale "Mr. or Miss Right."

A "Singles’ Business," Dinnerworks, was featured in the Toronto Star’s 2007 Build a Business Challenge.  Susan Kates, Dinnerworks’ owner, wrote about her business issue in January: "Dinnerworks is in a very hot and very sexy market, the singles market…It’s a billion dollar industry. Dinnerworks should be exploding like wildfire. But it’s not."

Kates realized, as the Star noted, that Dinnerworks was "more complicated to run than she’d thought—and a lot more labour intensive."  She’d bought Dinnerworks in 2004 from its original owner, when its focus was "four men," "four women," and "dinner." According to a quick Google search, that’s similar to what the Toronto Dinner Club’s website advertises now. (Confusing!) Kates is trying to develop other foci. "Good Taste, Good Times, Good Company" and "Eat, Drink, and Meet Mary" are Dinnerworks’ new bylines, and dinners for six to twelve just one of three types of offerings. She’d also welcome US franchises.

Former Lavalife employee, Mitchell Solway also believes that "niche-development" is the way to go, noting that "25% of North American singles are parents, and 40% of online daters are single parents."  However, Solway’s charges do try to be consumer-sensitive.  His new site, SingleParentLoveLife.com’s "low subscription fee" is "to weed out people who just want to look."  Advertisers are targeted to "bring in the lion’s share of revenue."

Rooftops and windows are something we seldom notice till traveling—and looking.  Visit any historic European town and it’s easy to be mesmorized by its architecture and design—old world charm.  In the new world, a rooftop or window, and their juxtapositions, might get less attention day-to-day. As a tourist in foreign lands, being aware of, and having time to, take in  "details" can enrich experiences and recollections.  Click on these vacation shots, as example.

Rooftops 

Windows

A painting doesn’t work out every time.  So, how do you know when to give up and when to keep persevering?  What keeps me going?  And, what have I learned through trial and error?

My experiences have been to:

1.  Try, try and try again.  If you’ve tried your hardest, and still feel stuck, or are not getting anything else done, move on.  I usually put a two-week limit on such a process!

2.  Do things in small chunks.  Work on it.  Leave it.  Go back to it.  Bit by bit, changes happen, and hard work and patience pay off.  Some of my better pieces are an outcome of such a methodology!

3.  Never throw anything out right away.  If you don’t like how something’s going, leave it for a while.  Over time you may feel differently, and be prepared to go back to it—with fresh eyes and hand.  At a later stage, if you still see things the same way, you’ll be more justified in moving on.  Nevertheless, someone else might enjoy it, just the way it is!  There’s a gut instinct that’s hard to deny.  When I know something’s "wrong" for me, it usually is—even if it is not for somebody else…

4.  Take a break from certain subject-matter, then go back to it fresh.  For instance, if you’re painting onions, and they haven’t been turning out how you were hoping, take an onion break.  When you come back to them, don’t think of the piece you did before.  Start fresh, and you might be surprised with the results.  By doing this, I realize, I’ve guided myself, quite naturally, away from previous pit-falls, putting more effort into areas that were problematic before and learning and growing on the way.

5.  Recognize that not every piece can be a great one.  A rhythm and energy emerges over which we have no control.  It effects creative powers, technical skills, and imagination, alike.  Regardless of what others think and favor, we, ourselves, know when we’re "on," and when we’re not.  I’ve had to accept that I need to go a little easier on myself—that painting has a for-ever learning curve…

6.  Step back and see the story that artwork may tell over time.  When I’m down on myself—usually for being technically incapable, I look at my journey, and recognize what I couldn’t do before, wondering how I got from there to here.  Practice, practice, practice, and not giving up, despite the time and effort required, usually, are what get me to the place I’d like to be (even if others don’t recognize it—or see the marketability of my work).

7.  Remember there’s art and there’s ?art.  Many galleries and dealers are only interested in your work’s $$$$$ value, and will tell you that quite bluntly.  However, true artists, don’t just paint with sales in mind.  Their non-scientific brains won’t let them work that way.  I have come to hope that what I produce will find or create a market.  It’s what I know and can do, authentically, and anything else would be forced—probably not work out as others might like (at least for me).  

8.  Accept that art is more of a "business" than ever.  To "get there," it seems, you don’t just need to know how to paint, you need to be computer/internet/ marketing savvy, as well.  Some artists who appear to be more "successful" have teams of assistants behind them—able to put them out there/turn them into "brands"  with multi-media clout.  I do what I can as a one-woman operation, and ache when spending less time painting and more time on all the other "administrivia  necessities"…

9.  Marvel when a painting works, or surpasses expectations.  Being able to paint is a gift that not every one is able to develop to its full potential.  Be thankful for managing to fit in the time and application to be able to take the calling/talent as far as it can go.  I am truly grateful each time a piece comes anywhere close to meeting my unreasonable "standards."  Sometimes, I don’t realize it at the time, but others (positive) feedback often helps keep me going…

10. Know that we all have limits and options.  Not everyone makes the choice to try and paint/values the vocation.  Some shudder at even the thought of holding a brush.  Others announce, quite categorically, that an experience in elementary school has put them off for life.  It’s not good to always be making comparisons with other people.  But, sometimes, I realize that showing the courage to pursue painting is something many others shy away from—even before experiencing all the struggles entailed.  I know I need to pat myself on the back, more often, simply for not giving up!

How many things do you say you’re going to do for yourself, but don’t do?  How many things do you say you’re going to do for other people, but don’t do?  When you disappoint yourself, no one else has to know.  When you disappoint others, the consequences can be wider. 

What was the intention behind offering what you did?
1. To impress?
2. To connect?
3. To meet a challenge?
4. To get someone off your back—temporarily, at least? 

Had you not offered to do something for someone else, what might have been different in their response to you?  Would they have:
1. Thought less of you?
2. Ceased to engage with you?
3. Made you feel powerless?
4. Spoken badly of you to others?

Had you admitted you couldn’t follow through, could things have been worse?  Probably not:
1.  Honesty is still, always, the best policy.
2.  Respect is earned from being up front (acknowledging and explaining limitations), not generating false hopes—"spoofing" your way through.
3.  Showing you have the will but not the way (this one time) doesn’t preclude future opportunities.
4.  Pride that comes before a fall might have helped create it.

Intentions matter—what’s behind our words.  Are they empty, or are they supposed to lead to actions/help change outcomes/really assist others? 

When someone who’s supposed to be helping you behaves "out of character"—doesn’t return phone calls or e-mails, and is (indefinitely) unavailable—you know there’s a problem.  They’ve offered more than they can do.  Under pressure, and in fear of failure, a "sayer" becomes a "player," and trust is gone.

There’s "sayers" and "doers."  "Doers" don’t often say very much.  They’re too busy doing.  Also, you’re less likely to know their names.  "People in the news," or in positions of authority are seen to promise a lot, increasing their own exposure/power.  But, that’s all, sometimes…

Last week, I was surprised and thrilled to receive an e-mail from British publishing house, Jessica Kingsely, the publisher of my book, Therapeutic Art Directives and Resources:  Activities and Initiatives for Individuals and Groups.  This book came out in 2000, but appears to still be going strong.  Sigma Press, I was informed, are going to publish a Korean version shortly!

Curious about art therapy in Korea, I did a quick Google search.  In her May 07 bulletin, Paula Howie, President of the American Art Therapy Association, mentions having been keynote speaker for the Korean Academy of Clinical Art Therapy.  There are now thousands of art therapists in South Korea!  I also found a feature article in AsiaNews.it.

It’s easy for an opposition party to make promises.  Being able to carry them through, if they’re reelected, is what will really count.

A July 5, 07 media release was headed, "Liberals Would Restore Funding to Promote Canadian Culture Abroad."  This round-table, headed up by Stéphane Dion (Liberal opposition leader) was a great initiative, and suggests hope for the future. That said, it might have been nice to see a more representative sampling of creative types quoted—including some who weren’t invited to participate and aren’t already famous.

While Canadian Liberals, it appears, are anxious to boost funding for the arts, Canadian Conservatives are preoccupied with their endorsement of Nascar…

CBC television’s week-nightly show, Today on Politics’ last episode before the summer break included much joviality about the Nascar backing.  So, afterwards, I perused Prime Minister, Steven Harper’s, governmental website to see what his most striking personal interests seem to be.  Cat foster care and hockey, apparently.  His wife, Laureen, is described as enjoying riding her new motorcycle in her "spare time"…

Did you know that, according to the Toronto Star newspaper, Dashan Mark Roswell is China’s best-known performer?  A weekly Star feature asks Canadian expatriates what it is like to live abroad, and invites readers to send in their own stories.  

Roswell was asked if he still sees the world through Canadian eyes.  He responded that he’s not sure  what "Canadian eyes" are. He admits that there are parts of his personality that have been shaped by China.  But, he is still as Canadian as he’s ever been. He thinks that one of Canada’s greatest assets is its lack of a strong national identity.  He stated, "I have no clearer idea of what it means to be a Canadian than anyone else…"

Just wondering:  Had Roswell remained in Canada to work, would his talents have developed in the same way?  Could he have had such a successful and original career in the arts here? 

I’d been feeling very tired lately—more so than usual.  What had I been doing differently?  Drinking coffee. 

I’d let the occasional small soya latte turn into a daily large—something I’d allowed to have happen before, with similar results.  For a few weeks, I’d feel great.  Then, suddenly, exhaustion overwhelmed.  It’d be hard to sleep and hard to get up. 

Right now, I’m a week coffee-free, and more awake. Nevertheless, I miss the habit—and have been pondering why…

It’s not so much about the coffee, itself.  All the rituals surrounding a "coffee-tude" are even harder to give up.

Usually, whatever one person is feeling or talking about, others are too.  The morning after writing my "coffee poem," (pasted in below), I had the TV on as background, while painting.  A rerun of Rachel Ray’s Valentine’s Day show caught my attention.  Her guest, Dr. Timothy Brantley, the author of a book called, The Cure:  Heal Your Body. Save Your Life, was giving a more scientific explanation of "coffee habit consequences."
 
It was clear that what was happening to me wasn’t in my imagination, and the treatment plan I’d put myself on (to abstain, for now) was the right one.  Just a week in, I feel a lot less groggy!
 
Like with anything else, it’s important to remember that tolerances and responses can vary—and moderation is always good.  What works (or doesn’t) for me, might be different for you.  Also, don’t forget, a lot of coffee shops have become cozy daily hang-outs for many—kind of like pubs used to be in Britain.  They’re not popular just because of their coffee…