Please note:  These lists are in random order and not comprehensive. They’re simply a start in helping identify what might prompt and perpetuate abuse, as well as enable recovery from it…

How an abused person might feel or react:

1. Unable to tell friends/family/authorities what’s happening, because of feeling too awkward, ashamed, or foolish.

2. Uncertain what might happen next, because trust and predictability are gone.

3. Without words to explain what’s happening because it’s too unbelievable, or hard to describe.

4. Violated, physically or emotionally, or both.

5. "Out of character"—angry, upset, or violent, which isn’t typical.

6. Pushed to the limits and exhausted.

7. Out of ideas and resources.

8. Disorganized—like a tornado’s passed through.

9. Concerned about making too much/not enough of things.

10. Disappointed, sad, and let down—and worried about the future.

How an abuser might act:

1. Display behaviors that change from minute to minute without reason (show public displays of affection one minute and be a raging monster the next).

2. Not be able to be calmed down or stopped when in a tirade.

3. Act, the next day, like nothing’s happened—be oblivious to abusive tendencies.

4. Never be wrong—put it all on the other person as never getting it right.

5. Turn a perfectly enjoyable day into a nightmare for no real reason.

6. Find fault with everything the victim does or says, taking advantage of vulnerabilities.

7. Give gifts and/or be overly nice 24 hours after, just to get back into favor.

8. Be the source of great pleasure as well as pain—becoming indispensable.

9. Suggest that everyone else (any supports the victim might have) are wrong or should be stayed away from.

10. Think that they’re the best—or know better, most of the time (always giving lessons and offering "protection").

Abuse happens when an abused person has:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. A poor support network.

3. Other difficulties.

4. Become cut off or is isolated from friends and/or family.

5. Been abused before.

6. Has a personality that you wouldn’t think could be abused (is strong in other aspects of life).

Abusers are often:

1. Known by the victim already.

2. Relations on whom the victim depends emotionally and/or financially.

3. Individuals who are respected in the community and/or at work (and are in power positions)—appear charming, wise, and kind to others.

4. Used to abuse or familial dysfunction already, and have a history of family problems.

Abuse isn’t only physical, it’s emotional too:

1. Once the victim is beaten down emotionally, who knows what might happen next?

2. There are things that are permissible to say to someone else, and there are things that are not. Know what’s unacceptable is essential.

Abuse doesn’t usually come about, or go away, by itself.  Pro-activity is necessary:

1. Stay away from the abuser.

2. Inform others about what’s going on, and build a support network.

3. Tell "authorities" (the police, social agencies) and take (legal) action where necessary.

4. Get counseling and/or protection.

5. Move on by doing feel-good activities with feel-better others.

6. Take time out to heal and regroup—remember that you’re worth the best, as well as others’ support.

7. Accept that a situation might not be your fault.

8. Be strong and brave even if you don’t think you can.

9. Acknowledge the power of the abuser—nothing else might work very well until then.

10. Be less predictable—count on yourself, by changing some of the things you do and ways you do them (regain independence and creativity).