We never know how we touch other people with a word, action, look, or silence.
On the surface, we believe we know who others are. But, deep down, do we really? Only when a crisis happens, do we get a wake-up call. "If only…" really doesn’t matter then. Sadly, it’s too late. Right now we’re all too well aware of the Virginia Tech massacre, and wonder who the killer was—what could have motivated this benign looking loner to commit such horrific carnage.
It was just an ordinary day. Then, out of the blue, lives were ended or changed for ever. Even those of us who don’t know individuals who had the bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time feel grief, pain, and hopelessness—question whether or not authorities could have responded differently (saved more innocent lives).
It’s all too easy to look at events that don’t involve us directly and be amazed and scared by what we see and hear. However, often, we overlook extremely harmful circumstances happening day after day in our own homes—with family, friends, and acquaintances. There are many "time-bombs" waiting to go off—that are hard to talk about/do something about—till it’s too late.
For those who know individuals who are close to them that might be a danger to themselves and others, perhaps it’s time to speak up—be proactive not reactive.
Usually people don’t speak up because they’re afraid of the consequences. They:
1. already feel bullied enough and have no more energy.
2. worry about someone else getting hurt, instead of them (which could be worse).
3. are in a financial bind, and risk losing all (perhaps because the abuser holds the purse strings).
4. feel embarrassed, awkward and ashamed—don’t want to lose face.
Those who do speak up often suffer horrible consequences. They’re:
1. outlawed by the abuser as well as other family and/or friends (who might not want to acknowledge the problem).
2. victimized further—made to suffer beyond all reason (to the point at which their own mental faculties start failing).
3. all alone—have a poor support network, because their stories are too incredible to share, or the abuser has succeeded in isolating them from outsiders.
4. deemed to be the one with the "issues" because they won’t accept the status quo—feel isolated/estranged in this struggle and many more.
It doesn’t matter who you are. Everyone, regardless of education, class, or finances can fall prey to someone who is as destructive as (s)he is deranged. We never realize how bad things are till we’re able to step out of a situation, or have others witness it. Those who are dysfunctional and dangerous are very manipulative and clever at hiding what they’re capable of achieving—especially if they’re supposed to be "near and dear" to us.
Our gut tells us when something’s wrong, but whether or not we’re able to stop the inevitable is another matter. In order to tackle a monster, it’s not possible to go the journey alone. Allies are necessary—individuals who believe in the person they’re backing—that (s)he is reasonable and right. At the end of the day, what they think of the potential perpetrator is secondary. So long as one person is struggling alone against him/her, (s)he will not be properly identified, weakened, or put down.
It’s important to be more mindful of those around us—where and how they might be struggling and suffering—and heed warning signs. At a time when family ties and close friendships seem to be less reliable, it should no longer be every (wo)man for her/himself. Social responsibility and action need to come into play. Also, in a society whose members come from many different backgrounds, no one can be sure with whom and what they’re actually dealing. Right and wrong lack conventional bounds (as do reason and respect).
Most people who are not personally affected by situations don’t want to get involved because they:
1. don’t have time.
2. see there’s nothing in it for them.
3. accept it’s none of their business.
4. admit they don’t really care.
Others shouldn’t be expected to meddle in the personal business of those they do not know. But, when they pick up on how something doesn’t sound or look right, perhaps they can try and lose the fear by:
1. speaking to authorities or connected others.
2. showing concern to those involved/seeking help—be there for them in whatever small way possible.
3. not fading away, assuming the problem is someone else’s and will go away by itself.
4. being a support or resource if at all reasonable.
There’s no particular message in this blog entry other than to affirm that there are a lot of angry, upset, vindictive, and toxic individuals ready to ignite anytime—and they’re all around us. We worry about terrorism and war, accidents and natural disasters. But, in actuality, we’re less likely to be destroyed by them, personally, than by a neighbor, brother, boss, co-worker, or stranger in the street. Armed and dangerous (emotionally and/or physically), they can do us more harm than we’d like to imagine, or can endure.
Some of us suffer in silence, already realizing this. Others live in denial, not believing anything bad will ultimately happen—if we play their game/do everything required. So long as nothing is done, said, pushed, or provoked, it’s possible to keep on treading water—or so many think.
We’d like to dream on, but can we any longer?
