SINGLE Woman Syndrome (SWS)
The delightful movie, Miss Potter, debunks the myth that spinsters are truly whole and happy without a love interest—even those who are comfortably off and impassioned about their work. It also underscores the importance of not settling for the sake of it (at any point), just to please others and "fit in." The settings, acting, costumes, and artifacts, all contribute to a sad, inspiring, enchanting, and credible interpretation of Beatrix Potter’s life.
Whether viewers identify with the protagonist’s artistic dedication, oneness with nature, self-determination, or personal sorrows and frustrations, her journey, stage-by-stage, encourages hope and possiblity. A good person shines through in work and out of it, overcoming familial weaknesses and the social pressures of Victorian times.
Potter held true to who she was and what she liked to do, and along the way others saw that. They fell in love with her, herself, despite the "odds" (of her age and contrary to expectations).
Today, an insufficiently acknowledged illness, that I’ve termed Single Woman Syndrome (SWS), is rampant among never-married women in their mid 30s to late 40s. Often professional (and usually successful, attractive, intelligent, and sincere), they’re confused, exhausted, and embarrassed by their singlehood. When it seems like everyone else (younger males, especially) appear to be getting married and having children, why not them too?
SWS isn’t about momentary disappointments: one or two bad dates, three times a bridesmaid never a bride, or another Saturday night home alone. Here’s Hilary’s Story:
After close to 30 years of being on the relationship market, Hilary finds her accumulation of rejections devastating. Not only does this SWS sufferer feel like a social misfit, but she also struggles with self-criticism. Life for Hilary, at 46, has become purposeless, dry, and not what it’s supposed to be—without life-cycle stages and goals. Despite all her positive energy as a Humane Society volunteer and outdoors enthusiast, she still doesn’t have a satisfying personal life. The worry that the ideal of husband and children may be permanently out of reach makes complete happiness feel untainable.
A customer service manager by day, Hilary finds always having to put on a smile very tiring. Making believe she’s quite content with her lot is more draining than others imagine. This may sound silly to those who envy the freedom of a single without attachments or commitments. But, it shouldn’t. In the 1950s and ’60s, regardless of other social problems, a whole generation of women (and men) were brought up to believe that chronological life-cycle events mattered. No false expectations, this was just what was done, lived for, and taken for granted. Dating was time-limited and led to marriage and children.
SWS sufferers, like Hilary, don’t know where to put themselves if not in a marriage with children. Nights, weekends, dinners for one, and Sundays seem interminable—family- and couple-friendly places and activities not being an option. Hilary also feels that much has been assumed about her, inaccurately and unfairly—that she’s hard to get along with, eccentric, past her prime, and lesbian. Though chirpy in public, she actually spends many hours in bed, or in trance-like states hoping that a tolerable date might still materialize for a wedding she doesn’t want to go to alone.
Hilary cannot live the married life single and she’s tried extremely hard to live the single life happily, spontaneously, and without guilt. So, who understands and accepts her? Mostly others who have SWS ! At the office, when family photos are shown, or the Christmas party organized, co-workers have no idea how those who may be seen as strong and independent, like Hilary, really aren’t and feel very left out. Often, Hilary wants to hide in a hole till the day she’s able to appear more equal.
With acceptance lacking and understanding limited, change feels impossible. Occasionally, of course, Hilary will have a burst of energy: try again to make the most of things and find fresh interests and routines. But these are never as much fun alone—mere time-fillers, for her.
Finally, Hilary succumbs to medical examinations, hoping to find out what might really be wrong. Could she have a chronic health condition? After all, she has symptoms galore: fatigue, depression, too much or too little appetite, bad skin, bloating, backache, and headaches, for starters. Medications are prescribed, some needed, some not. More tests are suggested, but the only diagnosis she’s really worried about is the one that’s hardest to ask for, and creating most of the anxieties: can she still have children? For Hilary, after every menstrual cycle, one invasive thought surfaces: "What a waste!"
Most SWS sufferers, Hilary included, don’t like to speak up. It feels very awkward and shameful. It also destroys the everything’s (otherwise) okay facade they endeavor to project publicly. Regardless, the fatigue of being perpetually single and childless (not having been able to come close to reaching personal ideals) doesn’t go away. Life still goes on, and as society evolves, those with SWS make extra efforts not to be judgmental or take for granted what they have, especially if it’s what others don’t.
When another set of holidays go by, being seen alone (and scrutinized) at the church, synagogue, mosque, or temple can be enough to make SWS sufferers lose their faith. Though there are more ways for them to communicate their woes, they usually feel unsuccessful at being heard, understood, or accommodated. A little acknowledgment and empathy might not solve their problems, but SWS sufferers, like Hilary, would certainly appreciate the sense of hope (and feeling of "normalcy") it could prompt.
