Solos who who haven’t settled seldom get enough credit for their strength, adaptability, and resourcefulness. Instead, a typical opinion is that there’s got to be something wrong with them.  Perhaps it’s the other way round—something’s right with them. Those who can’t handle solitude seem to hop from one relationship to the next, choosing less than "good enough" partners over their own company.  Ironically, outsiders might believe that the coupled are more "normal," socially acceptable, and easier going. They also overlook tell-tale signs that partnerships aren’t working:  criticsm or envy of those who "don’t realize how lucky they are to be single."
 
Do people partner because they want to, or because they have to?   Since many relationships happen on a needs basis, once needs change (for money, status, sex, children, or to fit in), what’s left?  Does attraction die? Was chemistry genuine?  Do shared goals, values, and interests (that may or may not have been present initially) matter anymore?  If you are with someone for the right reasons, love might conquer all. If not, you might soon be found out, or have to admit there’s a price to pay for everything: separation, divorce, or staying "unhappy ever after."

True love is rare and special.  Those who chance upon/work to sustain it are extremely lucky.  Healthy partnerships can help bring out the best in them. Nevertheless, as individuals, they might have difficulty understanding and appreciating how others can end up living their lives alone—not know or enjoy the often taken for granted benefits of shared experiences, histories, and activities.

It’s fun to celebrate the new year with someone you care about.  But, for the many who are by themselves, yet again, it’s more likely to be a time for reflection, loneliness, longing, and sadness.  I suspect more people can identify with these states than not.  Unfortunately, few retailers and commentators (traditional media especially) tend to pay too much attention to this growing group, despite the necessity to do so.

p.s.  "Behind Closed Doors, A Woman’s Day/AOL Survey" (January 07) reports, "We took a look inside American marriage and the results were shocking." Its headline paragraph elaborates:  "More than half of 3,000 married women polled by Woman’s Day magazine and AOL were not sure that they would marry their husband again. In addition, more than a third said they would definitely not pick the same spouse. Ouch!" How many of those surveyed do you think "settled" because they thought it would be better than staying single—and with what consequences?

 

We hear a lot about knitting and how popular it’s become, but less about crochet.  Ready-to-wear crocheted garments have been trendy the last few years.  However, knitting’s still better known than crochet. I find knitting frustrating—can never count my stitches accurately, and lose or add more than are supposed to be there.  With crochet, there’s only one stitch to think about and hold onto:  the one that’s on the hook! Crochet is a stress-reducer supreme for me—very portable, easy to pick-up/put down, a conversation starter/avoider. Sometimes, it even helps me fall asleep at night or stay awake at a movie. Also, it’s often one of my best friends when traveling, or at a meeting. No matter my reasons for crocheting, I’m usually relaxed by the process, and have a growing collection of one-of-a-kind outfits to wear as a bonus. Give crochet a try! It’s not as difficult as you might think. If you’re in the Boston area, pass by Brookline Booksmiths. The Knitsmiths’ group meets there on Sunday afternoons, and has a crocheter or two attending. In Toronto, you might like to contact Toronto Hook Ups, an organization dedicated to crochet. 

We’ve put together an album of our favorite puppy (baby) pictures.  Perhaps you’ll notice something about them?  There are more of Lev than Sage!  Any idea why?  Just like with human babies, sometimes there’s greater enthusiasm camera-wise for the first born. By the time the second one comes along, parents know better what to expect.  Not every experience is an "ooh ah" moment!  Sage being the happy-go-lucky personality that he is doesn’t have a problem with this.  Lev, on the other hand, might have, had there been less photos of her…

p.s. This photo was taken at Georgian Bay, Ontario, Canada 

 

Step onto a crosswalk in Brookline (a Boston suburb) and you take your life in your hands.  One day, it was a number 66 Harvard Avenue bus.  Racing to the next stop, the driver wasn’t looking at the road ahead.  Living in Boston for nearly four years, I learned how pedestrians can expect to be ignored.  Had I not paused and stepped back, my dogs and self wouldn’t be around to tell the tale!

Drivers of private cars, we know, break the rules of the road frequently.  In Boston, everyone does (including those who drive for a living—in buses, cabs, police cars, delivery vans, and more).  There’s even a book on the subject, The Boston Driver’s Handbook:  Wild in the Streets—The Almost Big Dig Edition. 

Boston boasts the largest number of Ph.D.s per capita, but it’s less proud of its shockingly high percentage of dangerous and discourteous drivers.  Their routines are infamous:

1.  Give a "no-look look," making believe you haven’t seen other drivers or pedestrians.

2.  Speed up to go through lights that have just turned red.

3.  Never let anyone change lanes who’s indicated well in advance that they’d like to do so.

4.  Turn right at a red light when the sign next to it says "no right turn on red."

5.  When parking, don’t worry about denting others’ bumpers or scraping their doors. Spaces can be tight!

6.  Sound your horn frequently, especially if you want to run the "within-the-speed-limit driver" who’s infront of you off the road.

7.  Never keep the speed limit, unless you know there’s a speed trap.

8.  When squeezing by, don’t worry about scratching someone else’s car (or knocking their side-mirrors).  What’s not yours doesn’t matter!

9.  Multi-task!  Drink a coffee, have a cigarette, put your makeup on, chat on the phone, eat a donut—all at the same time, while driving.  You can do it!

10.  If you see someone else waiting to reverse into a parking space, cut in behind them and grab it.  When there aren’t that many spaces around, a little selfishness helps.

When I first moved to Boston, I didn’t understand why there were so many cars with gashed corners and sides, left unrepaired.  Very soon, I was aware numerous accidents happen daily.

For the most part, Boston drivers are aggressive, not defensive.  And the longer I lived in their city, the more easily I understood why.  The pace of life is very fast.  To beat the competition, or to show that you have it in you to do so, there’s no time for pleasantries, especially with strangers.  It’s about getting from A to B, and not worrying too much about who and what’s along, or in, the way.

The more time you’re in Boston the more likely you are to assume Bostonians’ ways, particularly when driving.  It’s a matter of survival!  However, when you do leave town, it’s important to readjust. You realize you might not be cut off trying to get where you want to go, and can give others the right of way.  In more relaxed cities, (like Toronto?), drivers still seem to be a little more mindful of others.

Time is precious—others’ as well as your own.  However, many people seem to forget this. Whether they behave like jugglers, procrastinators, cowards, or egotists, they have their reasons, even if they’re not conscious of them.

Jugglers have many balls in the air—people as well as events and circumstances.  They also have their own best interests in mind:  are either looking for the "bigger better deal" or an easier way out.

Procrastinators put everything off till the last minute, or until it’s too late.  Even if they intend otherwise, indecision and lack of commitment are an end result, for others as well as themselves.

Cowards look to see how they can avoid situations, no matter how others might be impacted.  They find indirect, evasive, or manipulative ways to keep on going, lest details be discovered.

Egotists think only of themselves, and how they stand to gain.  Others’ feelings and needs or repercussions don’t concern them. Their own well-being is all important—nobody else’s.

Those who don’t respect your time (or you), might not:
    • give straight answers
    • call back
    • confirm plans
    • give clear explanations

Those who don’t respect your time (or you), might prefer to:
    • delay
    • avoid
    • pass responsibilities/blame to someone else
    • change the subject

Everyone is innocent till proven guilty.  If someone wastes your time by accident, it’s unfortunate.  We all make mistakes!  Someone who wastes your time, not by accident, signals greater dangers—especially if you stumble on the truth later.

Those who waste your time, and know that they are doing it, might:
    • lie to you
    • misrepresent information
    • make things appear different than they are
    • use you/situations for their own advantage

There’s often more to the story, when your time gets wasted by other people.  Unfortunately, it’s always hard to accept that those you trust with your time (and beyond) might behave this way—that the root issue is not just about loss of time.  
Being cautious/prepared to walk away from people who don’t have your best interests in mind is usually the wisest solution.  Those whom you let get away with wasting your time (and beyond) once, will likely do so again.  It’s up to you to stand up for yourself, and let others know that it’s not okay/you’ve found them out, however challenging that might be.  If they decide to have no more to do with you, no matter how difficult it is to accept at the time, it’ll be to your benefit in the long-run.  Time is precious.  Once gone, you don’t get it back!

December 7, 2006, I felt like I officially came home to Canada, due to the  Portrait Society of Canada’s Portrait Arts Festival, "The Miracle of the Portrait."  Their biennial 4-day event (initiated in 2001) opened with a rousing version of "Oh Canada,"  which took me by surprise and delight.  Standing up for our anthem, I felt happy to be Canadian, as well as an artist—alert, open to, and appreciative of how the next few days would unfold.  

A dozen individuals (judges, board members, sponsors, and gallery officials) formed a row on the stage at the Jackman Hall, Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO), while the very industrious and talented chairwoman, Veronica Tsyglan, gave introductions and explanations.  Right away, slides were shown from the annual portraiture competition.  There’d been 150 submissions this year, and 15 "top finalists" chosen. 

The quality of the artwork presented was exceptional—and more traditional in technique than contemporary.  I took a deep breath as my own slides appeared—whimsical, expressionistic, and primitive compared to the majority.  Regardless, I didn’t feel as out of place or awkward as I thought I might.  The audience demonstrated appreciation and respect for every piece shared.  

A ballot was in attendees’ welcome packages, and there’d be a one-vote-per attendee first-place "people’s choice" winner (Andrew Atroshenko for "Julie").  Simultaneoulsy, Steven Rosati would be announced as the judges’ top choice at the conference’s closing gala (with a portrait of his son, "Looking Ahead").

The competition’s finalists, as determined by the judges, were:

James Ian McDougall (Ontario, Canada)
Andrew Atroshenko (Russian Federation)
Wei Min Tang (Republic of China)
Edward J. Reed (Virginia, USA)
Donna Surprenant (Ontario, Canada)
Marina Dieul (Quebec, Canada)
Guangbo Tang (Ontario, Canada)
Raphael Tchetyshov (Ontario, Canada)
Melody Kozmeniuk  (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Sam Hester (Alberta Canada)
Dongmin Lai (British Columbia, Canada)
Steven Rosati (Quebec, Canada)
Yetvart Garbis Yaghdjian (Ontario, Canada)
Judith Elasser (Ontario, Canada)
Hans Holtkamp (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Being a "newer Canadian" I was struck by how many other "newer Canadians" were at the festival—as well as among the finalists. 95 people had registered to attend the festival, which was open to art lovers and promoters as well as artists, locally and internationally.  The first Portrait Arts Festival (in 2002) had just 30 attendees, so numbers were climbing slowly but surely.  Tsylgan explained to me that since portrait artists are a small highly skilled group, organizers were very happy with participation statistics. 

The master artists presenting included two from Canada (Andrew Benyei and Juan Martinez), two from the US (Koo Schadler and Dan Everett Thompson), one from Switzerland (Gwenneth Barth) and one from China (Yuqi Wang).  They demonstrated portraiture techniques in clay, oil, egg tempera, pastel, and charcoal, respectively.  This met the society’s mandate to cover as many media as possible, while helping to improve members’ skills and knowledge.

Foreign involvement is vital to the Portrait Society of Canada’s activities and membership.  Tsyglan describes Canada as a "young country" in terms of numbers of artists professionally involved with portraiture.  Therefore, professional development/peer support can’t have borders or boundaries.

One of the most enjoyable aspects of the conference, for me, was the ambiance:  the camaraderie, mentorship, community feeling, and lightheartedness.  Portrait painters have an obvious love of people, and are good at connecting with them—offer plenty of direct eye-contact, focus, and attention.  It was very exciting to be surrounded by so many peers eager to share similar vocational desires and frustrations.  

I was very relieved to not be alone in complaining about the lack of time left to actually make art—the "business" of art seeming to take over (especially when your brain isn’t wired that way).  Andrew Benyai, in fact, listed four types of artists:

    1.  Those with technical skills but no creativity.
    2.  Those with creativity but no technical skills.
    3.  Those with both.
    4.  ??  Those with "business skills"…

No matter a portrait artist’s type, all speakers concurred that portraiture is "hot," as proven by recent art auction sales.  John Ryerson, Director of the Varley Art Gallery,  and Bill Pickering, Chair of the Varley McKay Art Foundation (sponsor of the "best in show" prize) talked of their organizations’ commitment to find, support, expose, and recognize portrait artists.  

Eva Major-Marothy, Senior Curator of the Portrait Gallery of Canada, explained its background and mission, describing how it emerged from the Library and Archives of Canada and future relocation options.  She also mentioned a $20,000 acquisitions budget and her specific interest in acquiring artists’ self portraits or portraits of other artists (in any media, including computer art and video).  She pointed out how commission work usually has "3rd party restrictions," suggesting that work might be a lot more creative without these.

Unfortunately, a lot less enthusiasm was evinced for depictions of animalkind as "portraiture" (by both galleries represented at the festival).  I found this surprising in view of the value Canadians attach to the great outdoors and its wildlife—as well as their pets.  Other artist participants agreed, so I wasn’t discouraged with respect to my own animal art-making aspirations.

I’m usually a restless conference participant, but at the Portrait Society’s festival, I didn’t need to check my watch once.  Time just flew by, with so much to see, learn, and process—a great motivator for starting up in my studio first thing Monday morning.  Having recently moved back to Toronto after a four-year absence, I’d been procrastinating.  Now, I couldn’t wait!

In the spirit of the season…

It’s hard to understand why "friends" don’t help each other—even when they have opportunities to do so.  If you have a date and that person’s not for you, think if you know someone else who may be more suitable. If you know someone looking for work, and have others they can talk to, tell them. 

Even your "best friends" (who usually owe you the most) are likely to be the ones handicapping your greatest dreams and goals.  Very often they have the links and connections you need, but are reluctant to share them.  Sometimes, they make innocent oversights—just don’t think creatively or altruistically enough.  Other times, they ignore your needs intentionally, whether you’ve voiced them or not.

Realistically, how long does a quick phone call or e-mail take to make an arrangement for someone else—pass on a name or number.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  There isn’t a fit between the parties you bring together.  What’s the best thing that could happen?  You might put someone else on the road to happiness and success.  Many believe "no good deed goes unpunished" and prefer to abstain because of this.  However, should they need support, what would they do?  Who would they approach?

Torah, from over 2000 years ago (Pirkei Avot 1:14), records Hillel’s famous questions:  "If I’m not for myself, who is for me?  And when I’m for myself only, what am I?  And if not now, when?"  True friends should want to help each other in any way they can (providing it’s legal).  Acquaintances turn into friends when they take initiative—make special efforts on others’ behalfs, no prompts necessary.

Previously, The Rules and The Code made dating protocols a joke.  Today, a reasonable guide to "dating dos, don’ts and won’ts" is overdue.  Even if others behave inappropriately, there are ways to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.  Recognize Dating Danger-Signs and react promptly with Date-Wise Solutions—even if this means staying solo.  Better to be alone and still available than stuck clinging to those who treat you badly.  Also, be conscious of how you treat others.  Social change comes about through individual responsibility—one person at a time making a difference.

(*Serious daters really want to be in a relationship—aren’t interested in playing the field.)

Beware!  Check if your date shows any of these Dating Danger-Signs:

Dating Danger-Sign #1—Mixed Signals
One day you think your date is interested, the next day you’re not sure.  One day your date suggests another plan, kissing you passionately.  The next day, their answer machine is on and e-mails aren’t returned.  Where is your date?  Busy with what or whom?  Consistency is key.  If you feel something doesn’t make sense, there’s a reason.  Funny how we let some people get away with anything, hoping that things will get better if we don’t create a fuss!  The book, He’s Just Not That Into You, explains more…

Dating Danger-Sign #2—Misassumptions
Don’t assume anything, unless your date confirms it, no hesitation.  
Elementary information to be shared as soon as possible:  
    Social status:  single, divorced, separated, widowed, or involved?
    Kids:  any, how many, custody arrangements and obligations?
    Intimacy:  dating or sleeping with anyone else?
    Health status:  (most people lie about sex/the risks they’ve taken…)

Dating Danger-Sign #3—Different Needs
Everyone seeks to connect for different reasons:  Some peoples’ needs are clearer than others’, which is why the relief of being out on a date with somebody you want to be with should never cloud judgment.  Do you both have the same intentions:  want a "quick fix," a friend, or to build a long-term bond?  Discussing this right away can be awkward, but to feel used later is worse.  The people you’d like to believe, trust, or make exceptions for can get you into the most trouble.  Do take into account if someone is newly separated, recently divorced/widowed, or unable to commit.  Even if you’re a terrific person, that’s not always enough to hook a date who’s unready, unwilling, or unable to accept and adapt to another’s schedule and desires.  

Dating Danger-Sign #4—Two-Timing
A two-timer sees one person behind another’s back.  "Two-timing" has always happened.  Today, however, it’s more taken for granted (and acceptable) than ever.  But this doesn’t make it right!  The nicest of people get hurt in the nastiest of ways by those who are only looking out for themselves.  At the getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship, it might be hard to decide to be exclusive, especially when serial dating.  Nevertheless, circumstances and efforts shouldn’t be abused.  Those ready for involvement, and who like another person a lot, might take risks, even if they sense there’s competition.  Not a good idea!  Better not to let anyone lead you on, despite urges for instant physical gratification (theirs or your own).  The greater the lack of reciprocity (time, energy, or sacrifice), the harder the fall.  

Dating Danger-Sign #5—Inequality
Unless it’s been declared, never believe you’re "the one" or "the only one."  Having the self-respect to not let someone use you—even in the hope of winning them over—is very important.  Others know when you like them a lot and are ready to do anything to solidfy a relationship.  Their power grows, and they don’t have to put effort into being with you, because it’s clear you’ll take whatever scraps of attention they toss.  Inevitably, that empty feeling/pit in the stomach comes—hopes, dreams, and longings turning to anger, upset, and disappointment.  Yes, someone else is to blame, but you’ve allowed them access.  If you’re uncertain about what’s happening, and your date’s calling all the shots, there’s probably something wrong.

Dating Danger-Sign #6—Superficialities
Are people popular for the right reasons?  The cuter, wealthier, or more professionally successful someone appears, the more people they’re likely to appeal to.  Also, the more possibilities there are for them to get away with treating those they date poorly—replacements usually waiting and willing in the wings. On the other hand, there’s a good chance that those with more modest means, average looks, or less powerful jobs, will work a lot harder to attract interest and make connections. Their dates are often handled with greater care and consideration.

Dare to Protect Yourself!  Heed Dating Danger-Signs with Date–Wise Solutions:

Date-Wise Solution #1—Speak Up
Express any confusion, doubts, or concerns, right away, and request explanations and accountability.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  If your date dumps you, be relieved.  Short-term pain provides long-term gain.  Anyone who’s not going to be direct, honest, and open, without a good push, isn’t worth it—unless you like games (and losing at them).

Date-Wise Solution #2—Ask Questions/Get Answers
If you’re afraid to ask a question because of what the answer might be, you’re hurting anyway.  Also, if answers can’t be given, what might that be about?  Why be with a non-communicator, who doesn’t appear to care about your feelings or concerns.  Even if a date does have their own problems, that’s not reason enough for them not to have your best interests in mind.  

Date-Wise Solution #3—Fact Check
Don’t rush into a relationship without all the facts—unless you’re okay with being someone else’s one-night stand, affair, babysitter, or caregiver.  If you go along with what your date wants you to do, when trust hasn’t yet been earned, you’re taking risks that could get you into more trouble than just a sudden break-up.  If your date isn’t cooperative sharing who they really are, that should be evidence enough.  If it’s not, google or ask around. There’s also numerous "people search sites," like zoominfo.com, intelius.com, whowhere.com, people-search.com, and Yahoo people search.

Date-Wise Solution #4—Forget Denial
The effort it takes to make out that something isn’t as it seems does a lot to help increase insecurity and lower self-esteem.  Respect yourself and have others respect you by facing realities head-on without procrastination.  The cliché that moving on is hard to do is well founded.  But, if you stick around where and when you’re not wanted, you’ll be the only one suffering  You can’t force others to be with you/what can’t be!  You can only make things worse—for yourself.

Date-Wise Solution #5—Observe Carefully
Usually, all the evidence is there, whether you choose to see or believe it or not.  Don’t just go on what people say, but how they look at you and hold themselves.  Are they able to give direct eye-contact?  Are they demonstrative in front of other people?  Are they easily angered?  Are they reliable?  Do they keep their word?  There are a lot of clues, but the more infatuated we become, the harder it is to find them.

Date-Wise Solution #6—Treat Others How You Would Yourself
Be less selfish/self-centered.  Care about and respect others’ feelings, not just your own.  Be open and direct, and say what you’re looking for—not leading anyone else on for the sake of it.  This means being patient, kind, and making allowances—giving others a chance, especially if there’s no reason not to.  Taking a good look at yourself might help you realize how realistic you are over who you choose to date and how you treat them.